How to behave when BPDgf comes back

[mindwise]

Hi,

I would like to know how others behave when their BPD loved one comes back from "time out" or "silent treatment".

In my experience so far I have noticed the following:

1 - BPDgf gives hints she needs space.

- I let her know I understand and will be there when she needs me

- She does come back pretty quickly and I agree to engage her right away

2 - BPDgf refuses to see me for several days without explanation and avoids responsibility.

- I know it has to do with her fear of intimacy but disengaging in this manner feels disrespectful to me and our relationship. When she behaves this way I usually remove my attention (I don't reply) and wait for her to come back at her own pace.

- When she does comes back I tend to engage her pretty quickly. If I don't or give a hint I'm not satisfied with her behavior she gives me "silent treatment"

I'm wondering if the silent treatment is an "extinction burst". I never ever pursue or chase her if she gives me silent treatment. The longest silent treatment lasted for 10 days and when she came back she asked me how long would I have waited before contacting her, to which I replied "as long as it took you to come back". I think she learned ST didn't have any impact on me and from then on ST have lasted no more than 1 - 2 days max.

When she refuses to see me for several days she kind of expects us to text "as a friends" or "brothers". I state clearly that I'm about sharing quality time together in person, not through texting and that I'm not interested in just friendship. Something I've notice is how many guy friends, ex-lovers she has blowing up her phone and I understand this gives her a huge ego boost while maintaining them at arms length.   

I guess I would like others to comment on my post, sharing experiences and giving feedback.

My goals are to better the way I state and enforce boundaries and to improve communication skills on both sides.

Thanks in advance,

MW

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[an0ught]

Hi mindwise,

1 - BPDgf gives hints she needs space.

- I let her know I understand and will be there when she needs me

- She does come back pretty quickly and I agree to engage her right away

2 - BPDgf refuses to see me for several days without explanation and avoids responsibility.

- I know it has to do with her fear of intimacy but disengaging in this manner feels disrespectful to me and our relationship. When she behaves this way I usually remove my attention (I don't reply) and wait for her to come back at her own pace.

- When she does comes back I tend to engage her pretty quickly. If I don't or give a hint I'm not satisfied with her behavior she gives me "silent treatment"

Makes all sense to me. She is doing because she has to. It sucks but there is nothing gained in heaping shame to it. Once in a while you should be talking about it not to judge but to better understand however... .

I'm wondering if the silent treatment is an "extinction burst". I never ever pursue or chase her if she gives me silent treatment. The longest silent treatment lasted for 10 days and when she came back she asked me how long would I have waited before contacting her, to which I replied "as long as it took you to come back". I think she learned ST didn't have any impact on me and from then on ST have lasted no more than 1 - 2 days max.

... .in some sense you are communicating about it.

No, this is not an extinction burst. Extinction bursts are directly related to boundaries that are encountered.

When she refuses to see me for several days she kind of expects us to text "as a friends" or "brothers". I state clearly that I'm about sharing quality time together in person, not through texting and that I'm not interested in just friendship. Something I've notice is how many guy friends, ex-lovers she has blowing up her phone and I understand this gives her a huge ego boost while maintaining them at arms length.   

It is confusing and at times very painful to deal with a person who does not know what she wants. 

You seem to have common sense of what limits you put on yourself  Still she seem to be regularly blowing up. Avoiding invalidation in communication is important as invalidation is a major source for emotional overload trigger - we learn that by focusing on validation and learning from what did not work   . Keep in mind that avoiding her to storm off may not be a desirable goal - right now it works as a semi functional pressure valve. Boundaries are often also invalidating but serve some healthy purpose.

[mindwise]

Thanks for the support

We've made good improvements so far. For example, regulating my emotions has a huge impact on hers. Arguments or yelling or hanging up the phone never happens and we always listen to eachother and speak calmly and lovingly. What persists is her fears and the urge to distance herself or go "off". She speaks to me about her anxiety and frustration.

Also, something to watch out when regulating emotions. I sometimes tend to supress them. Like nothing she does can shake me. This is not healthy. I learned about this yesterday at the mindfulness training when we were asked to recall a displeasent event from a week ago. Back then I felt indifference and acceptance but yesterday I felt sadness and frustration.

So yes. The key is to find the best balance between validating, communicating healthy boundaries (although these might sound invalidating), lowering expectations, patience (lots) and hope that trust and participation will grow and become motivators for her to continue improving. 

     

[an0ught]

, communicating healthy boundaries (although these might sound invalidating),

we *may* communicate boundaries as part of an overall healthy and open communication. It helps when the other side is aware of our boundaries. But beyond awareness there is no point in communicating boundaries. And often it can be wise to *not* communicate exactly where the boundary lies - this leaves us maneuver space and it prevents the other side from game playing or systematically exploiting us - boundary space is usually smaller than what would be a fair share.

Boundaries are about our behavior when push comes to shove. It is unrealistic to expect a pwBPD not to bump into them once in a while. Communication before and afterwards helps to decrease frequency and limit fallout. However expect a pwBPD to test limits once in a while and more often than an average person. It is the nature of the condition. Dealing with the frustration of loosing control at the boundary is helping a lot to build a sound understanding of themselves and others.

[123Phoebe]

, communicating healthy boundaries (although these might sound invalidating),

we *may* communicate boundaries as part of an overall healthy and open communication. It helps when the other side is aware of our boundaries. But beyond awareness there is no point in communicating boundaries.

I'm not sure how to exactly articulate this, but here goes an attempt... .

In everyday conversations with my partner, I'm communicating the way I relate to the world.  So, if something happens at work or with a friend, let's say, and I'm telling bf about it and it's a situation that I was mad about or upset in some way-- bf is learning something about me, my reality, what makes me tick and how I handle things.

If I then cower, give him a "pass" or don't stand up for myself in a matter that concerns him or us, similar to the work/friend occurrence, he has then learned that my boundaries are pretty weak and I can't really be trusted with my words.  I would imagine he could feel pretty confused-- Who is this person?  What does she really mean?  Whether or not it's a conscious thought, there's a question mark floating around in there somewhere.  A feeling of unease.

When our boundaries are backed up by our values, we're consistently living true to ourselves.  It comes through.  We're better understood.

[mindwise]

When our boundaries are backed up by our values, we're consistently living true to ourselves.  It comes through.  We're better understood.

I agree 123Phoebe.

Eventually the pwBPD could even thank you for keeping a structure and strong boundaries. Recognizing that it works. This has happened to me on several occasions.