Reason You Initially Got Involved With Your BPD Ex? What Did You Learn?

[ZeusRLX]

Here is something I've been thinking about for some time.

What was the reason (as far as your characteristics) that got you initially involved with your ex? Obviously, there was attraction/romance. But why do you think for all of us it happened with someone with BPD and not some other non personality disordered person? Was it an accident? (It wasn't an accident in my case).

And what was your main take away from your breakup as far as your actions?

I think the reason I got involved was... .I was longing for a stabilizing relationship that would make me feel on top of the world. I think I thought (mistakenly) that I needed to be in this incredible fairy tale relationship to be happy. I think subconsciously I was looking for something that was "too good to be true" to give me this permanent incredible happiness. And the chemistry didn't hurt, of course as well as my white knight tendencies.

So I think a big part of it was that I tried to look to someone outside of myself to feel happy about my life and wanted a fairy tale. It took a while but I think I've learned it's a mistake for me personally. It is my choice to be happy and at peace with my life regardless of whether I'm in a relationship or not. Then it's just a matter of allowing someone who understands me, has attraction both ways and doesn't mess up the peace and happiness already have. It's a matter allowing that person into my life IF they do come along (and it's a big if). And by "allowing" I mean long term relationships that are serious, not just dates. S o it's that and I don't really believe in fairy tales or Hollywood happy endings outside of movies anymore. I still enjoy them but don't really believe anymore.

What was your experience regarding this?

[once removed]

hey zeus, sure enjoy your threads lately. want to answer, but was hoping you could clarify "and what was your main take away from your breakup as far as your actions" first. not sure what you meant by that.

[Mutt]

I have difficulties with relationships and not letting my guard down for the fear of being rejected or abandoned. I'm an adoptee and I didn't understand how my behavior impacts relationships.

My feelings were no different when I met my ex partner and I found comfort and validation with the idealization of a person that has traits of BPD. I just had this feeling that she "got me" and I didn't fear that she would reject or abandon me. She alleviated a lot of anxiety.

I found it curious that she has a narcissistic wound and a fear of abandonment. She may abandon a partner to avoid real or imagined abandonment.  I held a belief in the r/s that she wouldn't leave and I hung in there as bad as things where. What I learned and realized is that I had deeper issues that were unresolved.

[Arcturus81]

The truth is that you were targeted. It is because of the reasons you mentioned. I was targeted the same way because of the same symptoms you mentioned. They FEED off people pleasers and those with white knight syndrome. It is because there are way more with our symptoms then there are BPD. That is about as far as I have gotten with my research. The reason behind this is because they will always have a replacement when they leave. Not if, when. They are literally intoxicating. I will never doubt a BPD's ability to absorb someone. They have it down to a science. Yet all the wisdom and education on the matter will not help when they paint you black and leave. When that happens it is up to you to fix that empty space in yourself and move on. It is a lot harder than it sounds but you will be a better person for it. The strongest steel is forged from the hottest fires.

[FannyB]

What was the reason (as far as your characteristics) that got you initially involved with your ex? Obviously, there was attraction/romance. But why do you think for all of us it happened with someone with BPD and not some other non personality disordered person? Was it an accident? (It wasn't an accident in my case).

And what was your main take away from your breakup as far as your actions?

I suppose I am extremely superficial and she looked like the prototype 'perfect woman' to me.   In addition I almost felt a sort of instant recognition the first time I saw her - which was weird, and intrigued me enough to pursue matters.  Her veneer of perfection made me aspire to be the best version of myself I could be and I liked that. I enjoyed 'the game' of being good enough to deserve her and my success at this made me feel good.

When I realised it was a 'game' I couldn't win it soured things for me. Like Captain Kirk I don't like 'no win' situations! 

[zundertowz]

I was in a 8 year relationship two years prior and my social life was pretty much dormant... .i was very lonely.  I have been around the block and always avoided crazy but even though there were a ton of red flags and I avoided her for a few months I asked her out on one sunny sunday when i was bored.  We hit it off... .she had a calmness initially that was attractive to me... .she hid her crazy well.  I was basically filling a void within myself.  I thought worst case senerio she was a liar or a cheat I never knew this sort of evil illness even excested.  Next time ill be prepared.

[ZeusRLX]

hey zeus, sure enjoy your threads lately. want to answer, but was hoping you could clarify "and what was your main take away from your breakup as far as your actions" first. not sure what you meant by that.

Hey!

Well, I guess I meant like as far as your responsibility for what occurred. Because I mean my first reaction was "she is bad/evil, I hate her etc etc" and then I started to think "what role did I play to participate in this with her?"... .so that's what I meant by that.

[ZeusRLX]

What I learned and realized is that I had deeper issues that were unresolved.

Do you feel like you were able to resolve those issues through these experiences?

I don't even want any relationship now or at any point in the future but as time goes by I will usually start craving it more and that's when there is an opportunity for a new one to show up.

Right this moment I feel very happy/relieved that my last one is over. Will I feel the same way a year/two years later and not start craving again for someone to make me feel a certain way again? I hope so.

[ZeusRLX]

The truth is that you were targeted. It is because of the reasons you mentioned. I was targeted the same way because of the same symptoms you mentioned. They FEED off people pleasers and those with white knight syndrome. It is because there are way more with our symptoms then there are BPD. That is about as far as I have gotten with my research. The reason behind this is because they will always have a replacement when they leave. Not if, when. They are literally intoxicating. I will never doubt a BPD's ability to absorb someone. They have it down to a science. Yet all the wisdom and education on the matter will not help when they paint you black and leave. When that happens it is up to you to fix that empty space in yourself and move on. It is a lot harder than it sounds but you will be a better person for it. The strongest steel is forged from the hottest fires.

Yeah, great post, I agree completely.

[dobie]

 Idealisation pure and simple that and she was smart and liked me for my ideas she chased me on fb and in real life even though I had a gf 

She made me feel like I could trust her a 100% that her "infatuation of me " was lasting

It did not hurt as well that  she was a skinny young blonde , bisexual, had massive boobs and pretty  

Tbh though from day one I felt something off about her though like a gut feeling she was not right for me .

I tried to end if a few times in the first few months but she kept coming back saying "I feel we are meant to be "     

After six years I got "I feel we are NOT meant to be "

I should have trusted my gut and not my intellect on that one  from day one

[ZeusRLX]

Idealisation pure and simple that and she was smart and liked me for my ideas

It did not hurt she was a skinny young blonde , had massive boobs and pretty as well

That combination always works! 

Tbh though from day one I felt something off about her though like a gut feeling she was not right for me .

I tried to end if a few times in the first few months but she kept coming back saying "I feel we are meant to be "  

After six years I got "I feel we are NOT meant to be "

I should have trusted my gut and not my intellect on that one  from day one

Were there major red flags before you guys moved in (I'm assuming you lived together)? There must have been some problems since you've decided to end it, right?

And yeah, the eerie feeling that something is off is very familiar to me too.

[dobie]

Idealisation pure and simple that and she was smart and liked me for my ideas

It did not hurt she was a skinny young blonde , had massive boobs and pretty as well

That combination always works!  

Tbh though from day one I felt something off about her though like a gut feeling she was not right for me .

I tried to end if a few times in the first few months but she kept coming back saying "I feel we are meant to be "  

After six years I got "I feel we are NOT meant to be "

I should have trusted my gut and not my intellect on that one  from day one

Were there major red flags before you guys moved in (I'm assuming you lived together)? There must have been some problems since you've decided to end it, right?

And yeah, the eerie feeling that something is off is very familiar to me too.

She said she was leaving as her feelings had changed and wanted time to think but I officially ended it .

It was like something was missing with her I can't explain it even now  

The red flags were her constant moaning , dysrythmia , etc etc but i always made excuses or she had her reasons at first i would explode with anger when I had enough of her crap but in the end she wore me down I became her caretaker and her punch bag I was burnt out broken powerless conquered

[once removed]

Well, I guess I meant like as far as your responsibility for what occurred. Because I mean my first reaction was "she is bad/evil, I hate her etc etc" and then I started to think "what role did I play to participate in this with her?"... .so that's what I meant by that.

okay, that makes perfect sense, thanks. in that case, a great deal.

What was the reason (as far as your characteristics) that got you initially involved with your ex? Obviously, there was attraction/romance. But why do you think for all of us it happened with someone with BPD and not some other non personality disordered person? Was it an accident? (It wasn't an accident in my case).

i was three years out of high school, and id never had a healthy relationship. i think i had learned a lot, some of it the wrong lessons, and some of it applied badly. i had an attitude, more or less, that "all women are a little crazy". i was also searching for an emotionally corrective experience. after three years of being single and licking wounds, i decided it was time to find a girlfriend, and i consciously thought "even if its another crazy one." i told myself "this time it will be different. this time ill walk away if i need to." famous last words

i had been friends with my ex for those three years. met her on facebook/myspace through a mutual friend. the mutual friend would refer to her as hilarious. i scoped her out and was immediately very powerfully attracted to her. my parents actually met (through mutual friends, when my father saw a picture of my mother) and so i decided this could be history repeating itself. i decided i HAD to talk to this girl (ex). i did. we became friends and very flirty. at the time i knew she was going through a breakup and to some extent recycled a few times (didnt know enough to recognize or call it that). sometimes in the middle of being flirty shed bring him up and start carrying on, id get uncomfortable and back away, shed get flirty with me again. i remember wanting the opportunity to prove i was different and "better" than this guy. i was already dancing. i could go on forever about the very stark red flags even at the time. ultimately nothing happened, we hadnt even met in person, she got with another guy and i was happy for her. we kept in touch on and off. fast forward about six months and im pretty positive i was a replacement. this was the conclusion of those three years, and after the whole thought process of "even if its another crazy one" i basically chose her, believing that she was. she vented to me about some sexual escapade that she was hurt over, and the next day i vented back that this was inappropriate given she knew i was interested in her (the first actual confession of feelings between us). within a week or so, i went to her apartment, and we were official. she basically moved herself into my house which was crossing a boundary, and for three months i failed to get her out. rages and disproportionate anger started within the first week or two. knock down drag out fights basically every day for those three months. somewhere in there i tried to follow my own advice, told her it was over, until she apologized. that quickly became my solution to so many things. we also spoke of marriage pretty quickly. fast forward about three years later and i was replaced.

so as you can see, ive already touched on "And what was your main take away from your breakup as far as your actions?"

but in three years, i can find plenty more. after learning about BPD and my role in the relationship, i have a visual of a "dance" as many refer to it as. as we all know, it takes two to tango. with that in mind, i more or less see it as 50/50. its hard not to. even if she started a given incident (perhaps in response to something else entirely), my reaction, good or bad, was part of the dance. we never had a recycle, but the two of us declared it "over" probably hundreds of times. my ex was diagnosed bipolar, and so i chalked any and everything up to that and unknown to me at the time, used it against her a few times (expecting her to appreciate that i was "supporting" her mental illness). that dynamic kind of made me her therapist. made it very difficult to see my fault or role at the time, especially when she was initially willing to take on the blame, and just made me mad when she wasnt. i sent an inappropriate message to a girl during the relationship which she found out about. she found out because unknown to me she was getting into all of my accounts. that was a major boundary of mine, the constant privacy invasion, but i wouldnt leave. for that matter, i snooped on her to see if she was snooping on me. i compromised too many boundaries to name, though i kept some, restored a couple (she could never get past this). at my worst, i called her names like "psycho" and "crazy". i remained with her when shed try to come between my family and me. i walked on eggshells in terms of maintaining friendships with other females. i was a willing participant in each and every circular argument, which is frankly to me a metaphor for the relationship. the list just goes on and on. specifically what led to the breakup? several things ive mentioned, but two months before we broke up she said some things i couldnt forgive her for and i needed space. she sent little messages for my attention, i ignored them. she had cheated by this point (red flags i ignored but on some level partly a response to me relishing any extended period of time i got away from her, as well as the inappropriate message i sent.) but this is when she actually lined up the replacement (a guy i had met and talked to at a party one year earlier! see? my role is everywhere ' )

its a very important question you ask, that we all must answer. and i dont see it as blaming ourselves (not that you even implied that) to find our role, our mistakes, etc, or excusing our partner. had i been "perfect" the relationship might have lasted longer, or ended sooner, it doesnt matter to me. we come here asking "how did this happen"? and thats how we find the answer. really great thread.

edit: i think most of my story and role, and others, can be summed up in the ten beliefs that keep us stuck.

[WhatJustHappened?]

The truth is that you were targeted. It is because of the reasons you mentioned. I was targeted the same way because of the same symptoms you mentioned. They FEED off people pleasers and those with white knight syndrome. It is because there are way more with our symptoms then there are BPD. That is about as far as I have gotten with my research. The reason behind this is because they will always have a replacement when they leave. Not if, when. They are literally intoxicating. I will never doubt a BPD's ability to absorb someone. They have it down to a science. Yet all the wisdom and education on the matter will not help when they paint you black and leave. When that happens it is up to you to fix that empty space in yourself and move on. It is a lot harder than it sounds but you will be a better person for it. The strongest steel is forged from the hottest fires.

Agreed. I knew something was wrong quite quickly but CHOSE to ignore it. But BPDs are quite good at reeling you in and providing great ways for you to say "what the hell... .I'll do this". For me, this was a first love so it wasn't hard for me to fall in love again. It also didn't hurt that she already knew the basics about me.

The MOST important thing I learned was to pay attention to your instincts as best as possible. They are usually right. I also learned that I ALLOWED myself to fall for this deception so I have responsibility in this matter too.

[disorderedsociety]

Where do I start... .

Hooked up the same night I met her, I placed a boundary saying I didn't wanna be with her, she goes back to her 'evil horrible abusive' boyfriend, who was probably some of those things but I know how BPD people exaggerate. A few months pass, I need a place to stay, shes more than obliging, even says she's counting on me coming to be with her. Cool! Just what I needed!   Time goes by, I feel the need to be her caretaker, vicariously enjoying her transient peace. A few hypochondriacal spazms, she's in the hospital for this or that anxiety-related illness, her mom is (potentially NPD) criticizing an already broken young woman, I feel the need to protect her.

I get on my feet, start thinking of leaving but feel guilty, because look at what she's done for me, not realizing the unhealthy lack of boundaries in all of it. Stay another year after initially trying to leave. She continues to keep me isolated from my friends, goes through all of my accounts through the 3 year r/s, even talks about how she goes through my stuff, asks questions about girls who may have commented on a status on FB, ridiculous now that I think of it. Convinced I must have cheated on her at some point. Try reassuring her no, I didn't, I wanna make it work. She explains how she can't handle emotions or feelings of love without it slipping away, I can't imagine what she feels. Drinking every night. I start drinking with her because if I just do what she's doing and mirror her some more, maybe I'll feel better!  

So the next year, wallowing in indecision, ambivalence and apathy, having gained 40 pounds and smoking again, I finally decide to leave . A couple of weeks later she's f'd 4 other guys, starts drunkenly sending nude pics to a guy I was hanging out with. He's freshly out of a bad r/s, they end up together, hes badly hiding the fact they're talking when we hang out. He tells me I should free myself from it. Ok Mr. relationship expert, go ahead and jump in I'm sure you'll have fun

So looking back, yeah she's ill, but why did I ultimately fall in love with such a person? Why did I take comfort in her being too needy to leave me (so I thought?) How could I deny my feelings of wanting to leave and chalk them up to being bs, that I was the one to blame for not caring enough? Why did I tolerate demeaning remarks and behaviors?

Well, its a relationship dynamic that was imprinted at an early age from having to be the stable one for a mother who had BPD. Unfortunately, I had no father who would've given me the guidance that would have paralleled down into "GET OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP AND DO IT SWIFTLY CAUSE YOU DON'T BELONG THERE."

[eeks]

He was attractive, intelligent, emotionally aware (he really was! might have been primarily intellectual basis though) creative/artistic, good in bed, seemed like a motivated and energetic person.  I knew about the childhood trauma/abuse fairly early on, but somehow... .it passed my usual filters and I did not get a feeling of red flags... .it just evoked such empathy from me.  I thought we could heal each other... .because he seemed so precise and nuanced in his understanding of things.  I was also concerned about his drug use, I quickly got a sense that no, it was not just "to experience the music", it was an addiction, so as to not feel overwhelming trauma emotions.  Same situation, I can't imagine myself ever not seeing that as a dealbreaker in any other circumstance, so I still don't totally understand what it was about him specifically.

However, I have some pretty good ideas about the general susceptibility to pwBPD.

My therapist told me recently that he thinks my family used me as a "lightning rod".  That image, of people channelling their intense/unwanted energy into someone else, made me think of the idea of a scapegoat.  He called it projective identification.  I looked it up, and I'm not sure if I totally understand it, but there's this idea of "dumping unwanted feelings into someone else" and I associate this process with incidents in which I have felt shame.  So I have been wondering recently how much of the shame that I feel is actually mine, and how that's going to impact my self-esteem and sense of "worth" in relationships.

Also, I have a friend who lives in a small town in another province, and he has described to me a number of times behaviours by his ex/mother of his youngest daughter, and suddenly the lightbulb went on.  He told me a couple of years ago that she threw his phone to the ground really hard and broke it, and I forget what else he said but I remember telling him that the dynamic sounds abusive.  Recently he has been telling me about an unreasonable accusation when they broke up, and that she spread rumours about him around town and turned everyone against him, he's afraid to get into a relationship with someone else because he suspects she will retaliate and make things hard for him re: co-parenting... .He said she is "bipolar" but what I just described sounds too much like the stories I read on this discussion board!

His coping strategies are different (sort of "stoic martyr" rationalizing walking on eggshells, more co-dependent, similar to my mother) so everybody has different strategies, but it got me thinking if maybe a common factor for those who got involved with a pwBPD is people who carry shame, whether it's familial or due to trauma/abuse? (manifested as codependency, perfectionism, low self-esteem, etc.)  And there's something about the pwBPD that seems to promise the solution to that shame (but is really only going to end up reinforcing it)?  Maybe there's things about them (physical appearance, charm etc.) that seem like the draw, but others who don't resonate with that shame, and attempt (possibly unconscious) to alleviate it, don't get into a relationship with them?

[SummerStorm]

We were never actually in a relationship (she was cheating with me but promised me we would be together), but we started off as friends.  She student taught in my department and then got a long-term sub position.  I was the "odd woman out" in the department because everyone else was paired off and had a friend.  She and I had similar interests in TV shows.  I didn't have any other friends and didn't date.  She didn't have any other friends and had a new boyfriend but had a lot of bad relationships in the past.  She was pretty but edgy (lip ring, nose ring, three large tattoos) and so damn intelligent.  I mean, this girl could talk about philosophy as flawlessly as if she were reading the menu at McDonald's.  She thought I was "adorable" and funny.  I understood her and didn't judge her.  I didn't annoy her like everyone else did.  She didn't judge me.  She actually wanted to spend time with me.  She would text me for three or four hours straight.  As luck would have it, I came out to her as bisexual, and she came out to me at the same time.  After her first long-term position ended, she got a second one.  The romantic in me was convinced that this was obviously fate.  She started flirting with me.  No one had ever flirted with me before or had even expressed any interest in dating me.  It was intoxicating.  A month into our friendship, she asked me to live with her.  I thought it was odd and too soon, so I said no.  A month later, she asked again, and I said no.  A month later, she was bringing up marriage and how I was "the one."  It was everything I had hoped for and more.