Letting go and finding it hard

[SadBPDdaughter]

I'm 44 and my Mum was diagnosed with BPD a year ago. Whilst it has been a horrendous year it has also made everything finally make sense.

I have tried so hard over the years to build a relationship with my Mum like the ones I see my friends share with their mothers.

The main issue for her over the years has been her insecurities over my Dad's first marriage. He had 2 kids by his first wife, who are now both nearly 60. They are unable to have a relationship with him because of her unreasonable behaviour towards them and he has the view that he should remain loyal to his wife. But over the years he switched off emotionally, partly because he generally finds emotions hard to deal with in general and partly because of his resentment of the situation.

Mum & Dad have been together 45 years;they had me, then 10 years later, my brother. My brother became my Mum's whole world and she made it perfectly clear that she hated any girlfriend that came along. Her love for him is obsessive.

I, on the other hand, feel like I must have got switched at birth. No matter how hard I have tried over the years, I just cannot get her to connect with me. On the rare occasion she visited my home, she would sit there literally on the edge of the seat, making the odd snide comment in the background, while my Dad and I chatted. Then find an excuse to leave as soon as possible. She was unable to join in a fun chat and just relax.

I've tried taking her out to lunch, inviting her on holiday, encouraging her to follow her interests like cookery, buying her all she would need to start a cake decorating course for example, for her to not bother going. She has never learned to drive, or been able to make friends. She is the eldest of 8 children and only speaks to 4 of them. She finds it impossible to forgive, or see things from other people's perspective. I have never once heard her say sorry.

I have tried to support her emotionally, and show her affection. I get it thrown back in my face because it's not me she wants it from. She wants it from my Dad & brother, who are both extremely selfish people.

Last May, after 35 years, my half sister made contact, wanting to make peace with my Dad before it's too late. He is 80 next month. Her daughter found me & my brother on facebook. I had not seen my sister since I was 18. I rang Dad and told him, who was absolutely over the moon. He wanted to see her, but my Mum went mad. I told him that this would be his last chance to see her, and although he has always been loyal to Mum, perhaps he should show that loyalty to his child. He agreed, and came to my house to see her. He met his grandchildren and great grandchildren. It was one of the most emotional days of my life, and even Dad got emotional.

Needless to say, he has not been able to see her since. Mum pulled out the whole trick bag. Half hearted suicide attempts, screaming matches, paranoia. I dashed up to hospital on one occasion for her to scream at me in the waiting room in front of lots of people how much she hated me, etc. It was all my fault. How could I betray her? I have had letters on a weekly basis telling me that 'her husband' has chosen her and made it quite clear that 'his first family' will not be getting their hands on him or his bungalow.

On my BIRTHDAY last year they came over for an hour, which was very strained, and I was handed a copy of their newly made Will, which Dad had been forced to write. She took great delight in giving that to me.

My half brother and sister have no interest in money. Neither do I. All we want is to be able to say Hi to our Dad now and again. Ironically, the only child of the 4 Dad has who is money orientated is my younger brother. And he is the one that they protect and idolise.

After many many years of being blamed, disregarded and left to fend for myself (I left home at 17 because they moved to a 2 bedroomed property, because of financial struggles : of course their 7 year old son couldn't leave home so it had to be me!) I have had to remove myself from her life. I just can't hear the words 'I hate your guts' from my mother's lips one more time. For around 30 years I always had hope that things would change. I now know and understand that my Mum will never be able to be the Mum I need. I feel like I am grieving for her death. It is very difficult. But I know that it's what I need to do. Sadly, it means losing my relationship with my Dad too as he is 'not allowed' to leave the house without her. She has literally stood in front of his car in her nightdress to stop him leaving. But we all have choices. And I've made mine.

[Kwamina]

Hi SadBPDdaughter

Thanks for sharing your story here. The way your mother treated you is very hurtful, I am very sorry you've had these difficult and painful experiences. It seems that your mother is engaging in so-called 'splitting' behavior when it comes to you and your brother. Treating you as the supposedly all-bad child and your brother as the supposedly all-good child. Are you familiar with the term 'splitting'? You can read more about it here:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

From the way you describe your mother's behavior, it appears she uses fear and guilt to try and control your father (and others). We have an article here about how certain people with BPD use fear, obligation and/or guilt (FOG) to try and control the people in their lives:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like this description of 'FOG' applies to your mother's behavior towards your father and others? You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

Your mother has been officially diagnosed with BPD. This is a challenging disorder but at least now you do know what you are dealing with. Accepting the reality of a BPD parent isn't easy and indeed feels like grieving a loss. Acceptance includes letting go of the 'fantasy parent' you never had and unfortunately probably won't ever have.

Take care and welcome to our online community

[SadBPDdaughter]

Yes these two articles, Splitting and FOG, are my Mum down to a T. Although she seems to be a mixture of a 'punisher' and a 'self punisher'.

For example, her instant reaction to something she doesn't like is to hack her hair off, for example. I always know when an explosion is about to happen when she has done that in the past. Or she binge eats / starves herself.

The punisher examples are : when I let my half brother stay with me when his marriage broke up, she told me that I was no longer her daughter, and that she had thrown away everything I had ever bought her. (some pretty expensive items over the years as well !)

When I had my son, I had a C section & blood transfusion so was quite poorly afterwards. The doctors told my husband that I could only have 2 visitors at a time on that first day. He rang my parents and passed this on, asking them to tell him when they were coming so that he could arrange everyone else around that. Clearly prioritising THEM. My Dad came on his own. She didn't see my son until he was 10 weeks old, because she'd had a tantrum at having to 'make a booking to see her own Grandson'. She lived a stones throw away from me. I had a 3 year old daughter and could have done with some help when I came home. But that was her 'punishment'.

She doesn't see either of those grandchildren now. I have given them the choice. They are 17 and 20 now, and have decided that they can't tolerate the fact that we are not important enough for her to think of anyone other than herself or her own feelings. They have witnessed so much over their short life. It's all very sad

[Kwamina]

It's all very sad

The reality of being a child of a BPD parent often is very sad indeed. Being treated as the 'all-bad child' can be particularly painful. There are people with BPD who have learned to better deal with this disorder after acknowledging their issues and fully committing to working on them. It's very unfortunate that this isn't the case with your mother and also not with my own uBPD mother. It is what it is though.

What led up to your mother getting diagnosed last year? Did she get any targeted treatment for her BPD?

[SadBPDdaughter]

It's all very sad

What led up to your mother getting diagnosed last year? Did she get any targeted treatment for her BPD?

The trigger of diagnosis is all detailed in my initial post above after Dad met up with his eldest daughter after 35 years, but yes she is still having treatment. As in, anti depressants and counselling. However it seems to have made her worse. Or almost given her a free pass to act this way because she can say it's 'her illness'. She has never been as hysterical or unbalanced as she is now.

I am thinking that she understands perfectly what is going on but is refusing to take the steps to heal because right now, she has Dad right where she wants him. Too scared to leave her side for fear of another suicide attempt. When I was considering NC, I spoke to a member of the mental health team that is treating her and I asked if this would be the wrong thing to do and set her recovery back a step. He said, absolutely not. That he felt it was the ONLY thing I could do right now to protect myself and my children. When I voiced my concerns of her manipulation of my Dad, and the whole situation, he said EXACTLY. It is not in her best interests to get better. The people that she sees as a threat are out of the way.

So in my eyes, this treatment has not been a positive thing. Although the diagnosis has. Because now I am learning about it and it is making things much clearer. Reading about other's experiences on here is very helpful. I now realise I'm not the only one. That helps ALOT