Had a really contentious interaction with my dBPDexgf the other day, and it really had me feeling very cruddy, mainly because I feel like I legitimately overstepped my bounds.
My ex still owes me some money from when I bailed her out of jail, and maintaining communication because of that has been problematic, and I probably have as much to do with that as her. What can I say, it’s an awkward situation and she tends to have very extreme reaction to how I’ve “handled” things, even though I’ve tried to collect the money from her in as cordial and unobtrusive a manner as possible.
The last time I had seen and spoke to my ex we were actually on good terms, but I got the impression that she went out of her way to bring her new relationship to my attention (she told me she just wanted to show me some pictures of a costume party she went to, and she ended up showing me just a bunch of pictures of her and new boyfriend). From my perspective, that seemed like poor boundaries on her part, but I didn’t lash out at her or anything. I just told her after it happened that I had an emotional reaction to seeing that and that considering that I think I still needed some space for myself-that I cared about her but I needed the space because it was the less painful option for me at this point. Because of that I asked her if the next time she paid me back some money if she could just send me a check in the mail. She never responded to that email, but I didn’t read too much into that.
About a month or so later, I tried to send her a nice email asking if she could pay me back some money at the start of the next month. She didn’t respond for days, so I eventually texted her, said hi and asked her if she saw my email regarding the email Her response. “Yep.” Okay… I asked her if she could do that time frame. Response: “Yep.”
I thanked her and asked if she could send the check to my address. At first she asked my why she couldn’t just hand it to me, but before I could respond she politely but roundly refused to do anything other than hand me the check. I told her why I preferred it that way, that I wasn’t upset or trying to hurt her, just that it would be more helpful to me if that were possible. I told her that I had been very accommodating to her schedule in terms of paying me back and that I would appreciate if she could accommodate me in this regard and she texted me back something to the effect of: “There’s been accommodation by both parties. I’ve had to accommodate your frequent miscommunication and mixed messages in this endeavor.” Nothing too harsh, but I have to admit I did react sensitively to her words.
Also, at this point she started reverting back to this tone of “I just want to pay you back so you can be fully removed from my life.” That’s a sentiment that I think is perfectly fair on her part, but I definitely was hurt by the tone, not even necessarily rationally. I just was.
I eventually relented on her handing me the money in person, but I asked if in the future we could iron out the details over email (she might have thought that was a weird request, but at this point I had secretly given over control of my email to a close friend so someone else could interact with her about the details of the money… I know that’s a bit of a juvenile ploy, but after some of the strained communication with my ex I just gotten to the point where I wanted an invisible intermediary
).
Well, she never responded to that request. So after all that, feeling like she had dodged me on the initial email, wasn’t respecting my boundaries in regards to just mailing me the money, ignoring my communication, I was upset. Maybe not even fairly so, but I was upset. And in that frame of mind I made a mistake. I texted her later and basically tried to pick a fight.
I asked her if she was upset about anything, and she said she wasn’t. But I didn’t let it go – I basically said, “Okay, well you ignored my initial email about this, didn’t seem to have any intention of responding to me regarding email communication, and you said some pointed things about my “miscommunication”. She got really upset and told me she didn’t appreciate me trying to force a conversation, accused me of being passive aggressive.
I immediately felt pretty bad because I realized I hadn’t respected her boundaries on the issue, and I apologized and told her it wouldn’t happen again. She ended the conversation by saying, “I have nothing to discuss with you other than the payments, so let’s just exist on that civil plane.” The tone of that comment stung me, but I think that’s just because I’m pretty sensitive
. In truth, I obviously think that’s a fair position on her part, and it’s obviously for the best.
I sent her a text the next morning apologizing for my behavior and told her I would respect her boundaries on everything in the future. She didn’t respond to that, but I didn’t expect her to (although as pathetic as it might sound I was hoping she would validate my apology, even though I didn’t think she owed that to me in any regard).
So, I don’t know. I felt really bad about the situation for a couple of days, but I talked to some friends and my therapist about it and I’m feeling a little better. A big thing I’m still struggling with regarding the end of the relationship is the part where I have to look to myself for “forgiveness” and validation. Specifically, I have to become more comfortable with forgiving myself and validating myself after times like that when I feel like I apologized to the best of my ability, and I know I won’t get any kind of reassurance or validation from her.
Also, after speaking to my friends and therapist it’s easier to put things in perspective, in terms of not beating myself for lashing out one time when she’s subjected me to a lot more painful and unnecessarily hurtful behavior (and her current behavior I don't think helped things either).
I know I need to look to myself for validation, but I was wondering if anyone here could relate to being in a position where you felt you acted poorly, and if it was difficult for you that your ex wouldn't acknowledge your attempts to make amends?
