Why Are We The Ones Who Care

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Does it bother anyone else that we are the ones that are abused throughout the entire relationship, it was our behavior that was what the relationship together while theirs ruined it, and when it is all said and done and over, we are the ones in hurt and in pain and they move forward like its no big deal with no thought or care as to our feelings.

Why is this?

[bjm]

Does it bother anyone else that we are the ones that are abused throughout the entire relationship, it was our behavior that was what the relationship together while theirs ruined it, and when it is all said and done and over, we are the ones in hurt and in pain and they move forward like its no big deal with no thought or care as to our feelings.

Why is this?

[Herodias]

I know... .I feel like a complete fool... .but I feel the same way! I guess we are co-dependant? That's the only thing I know of... .We don't have boundaries or we would not have put up with it in the first place. They know this and took advantage and/or something... .

[mrwigand]

I don't know though guys. I think boundaries and codependency are important things to look at in terms of self improvement, but my T, who is experienced with borderline personality, once told me, "the healthier person always hurts more.

[Beach_Babe]

It bothers me, but I have stopped asking "why"? Because they are disordered and it just is. I do think Bpds care and miss people, however the feeling is fleeting. I have a friend with BPD, and know this is true. The other cluster b varieties/comorbities however do not. Mine was npd, he does not give a &^/!  I know it's hard, I struggle with it too. How long has it been for everyone NC?

[cloudten]

My T told me just dont bother with asking why. I will never have the answer and it wont help the healing. She also said not to ask why me. So i havent. Seems to help this time. But i am blow away by thia "the healthier person always hurts more"... .that hits home... .not that i am a picture of mental health anymore... .because i def have fleas. He taught me how to be extremely insecure about everything from eyebrow hairs to motherhood.

[UserName69]

I did a lot for her, I gave her everything she wanted and I really loved her. And what did I get at the end? A big F you in the face. I did care a lot about her and I knew there was something wrong with her. She never wanted to talk about it, probably she was ashamed for being a BPD. If she was honest with me we could set boundaries and she still would be my gf, instead she made the wrong decision.

At one point I started to care less about her, and at the end I started to hate her more and more. I must admit it's wrong to hate someone but it made the BU and move on process easier.

We had 14 BU's in 6 months, and I forgave her every time till the last time she went way too far and I had enough of her games. I still can't believe what I did for my exBPD and how much I loved her.

I care a lot about friendship and relations, they mean a lot for me. It's something sacred, so you'll understand why I started to hate her when she disrespected everything I care about/believe in.

[Infared]

I don't know though guys. I think boundaries and codependency are important things to look at in terms of self improvement, but my T, who is experienced with borderline personality, once told me, "the healthier person always hurts more.

Based on that info... .I must be REALLY healthy!   LOL!

[Mutt]

Hey bjm,

it was our behavior that was what the relationship together while theirs ruined it,

I can understand how devastating a r/s break-up can be when our exe partners' suffer mental illness.

I'm sorry I can't blame my ex because I had my role in our marriage too. I felt frustrated and was fighting with her, she would emotionally dysregulate and wouldn't return to her baseline.

I thought that the louder and more inflexible that I would be would make her see things my way and I held the position of persecutor for too long and she emotionally collapsed. BPD is a persecution complex.

She taught me that I invalidated, I would make assumptions and that resistance make things harder whereas I can be flexible and non resistant and be more accepting.

I didn't know she was mentally ill and BPD taught me about myself and how I communicated and behaved.  I don't think that I had healthy emotional coping skills and I didn't know better from my FOO.

Everyone's experiences are different and BPD is a spectrum disorder and people display different traits and are all unique individuals.

It was an opportunity to take a look at the mirror, own my part of my marriage, rebuild myself, validate loved ones, realize that I had my own black and white thinking and life long emotional wounds to work through.

[fromheeltoheal]

Does it bother anyone else that we are the ones that are abused throughout the entire relationship, it was our behavior that was what the relationship together while theirs ruined it, and when it is all said and done and over, we are the ones in hurt and in pain and they move forward like its no big deal with no thought or care as to our feelings.

Why is this?

Why is this?

Because the alternative would be to melt into a puddle of debilitating shame.  Think about trying to live with emotions so strong that you can't handle them, a conviction that everyone you get close to will leave, no sense of self, and deep shame; what would you do?  One option is to develop mental tools, defense mechanisms, like compartmentalization, projection, cognitive distortion, whatever it takes to make the pain go away.  It doesn't go all the way away though; I used to catch my ex in unguarded moments, lying on the floor in a fetal position, rocking back and forth and moaning, pure mental anguish.  You don't want that.

So we have a choice.  We can weather the hurt and use it as fuel for growth, or we can learn to 'zone out' too; chances are we'll choose the former because we're trying to get back to what we know.  What a borderline knows is continuous pain so the tools seem like a good option, the only option.  So now that we've chosen to use the experience to grow, what can we make it mean?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  How can we use this to build a bright future of our own design?

[letmeout]

I am convinced they are able to walk away so easily because they can't really feel love, they can only pretend to when its necessary to get what they want. 

[Beach_Babe]

I am convinced they are able to walk away so easily because they can't really feel love, they can only pretend to when its necessary to get what they want. 

Good observation. Mine admitted he could not love back in 2007. Wish I had listened