Cannot figure out why I didn't see it and why I still think of her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Red flags that i knew from the beginning and long term in nature:

Few friends

Multiple relationships

Cutting that started when we were in high school

Suicide attempts that started in high school with last one I am aware of happening at age 49

Alcoholism

Anorexia

Told me she cheated on her exes

Moodiness

Very low sex drive

History of sexual victimization

Constantly changing stories

Stressed about things like grocery shopping

Lots of rules

She is in my head today and i want her out of there.  Thanks for letting me share

[Hawk Ridge]

Red flags that i knew from the beginning and long term in nature:

Few friends

Multiple relationships

Cutting that started when we were in high school

Suicide attempts that started in high school with last one I am aware of happening at age 49

Alcoholism

Anorexia

Told me she cheated on her exes

Moodiness

Very low sex drive

History of sexual victimization

Constantly changing stories

Stressed about things like grocery shopping

Lots of rules

She is in my head today and i want her out of there.  Thanks for letting me share

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hawk Ridge,

You seem to be being rather hard on yourself here. It's easy to see things with hindsight.

I wonder if you are really saying that you think you shouldn't be thinking of her given all that has passed between you. But, why shouldn't you? Isn't it okay to think of someone who has been important to you? I know it hurts. It can hurt tremendously, but at least you are able to love and have compassion on a damaged and hurting fellow human being. It says a lot about who you are and it is these very qualities that will lead you to have successful relationships in the future.

Cherish yourself.

Love Lifewriter

[Hawk Ridge]

Thanks Love Lifewriter

You called it correctly - i am experiencing a poor self image today.  We have been apart for over a year so it is my 2nd fourth of July without her but today is one of those days I am struggling with What If's.  The reality is it wasn't a good relationship.  It didn't nurture either one of us and as much as I wish I could have done it differently and that I fear she'll succeed with my replacement, the truth is she hurt me deeply.  I still struggle with not taking it personally.  I still struggle with letting go and wishing them the best.  I know deep in my heart that I was and continue to be an amazing person who loved her deeply.  It baffles me how I could give that much and for her to have been so cruel when I am quite aware it was her disease that won.  Most days are so much better than last year... .today is filled with ghosts.  Thank your for wisdom and insight.  Thank you for reminding me of what i will bring to the table and accept in return next time... .thank you 

[Invictus01]

Relationships with personality disordered people often are described as being on drugs. I have never been on drugs, so I don't know what it takes to get off drugs but before I even heard of this comparison, that is exactly how I described this to my best buddy - I feel like I am coming off a crazy drug. Don't beat yourself up over this. Everything will be alright in the end. If it isn't alright, it isn't the end.

[UserName69]

Red flags that i knew from the beginning and long term in nature:

Few friends

Multiple relationships

Cutting that started when we were in high school

Suicide attempts that started in high school with last one I am aware of happening at age 49

Alcoholism

Anorexia

Told me she cheated on her exes

Moodiness

Very low sex drive

History of sexual victimization

Constantly changing stories

Stressed about things like grocery shopping

Lots of rules

She is in my head today and i want her out of there.  Thanks for letting me share

Thats my exBPD. It drove me crazy, the push pull made everything even worse. Let me tell you something you need to get over her. It can be done, you need to get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of her. Get rid of all the texts she send you, gifts etc. Block her from your life, block her phonenumber, Facebook, email. Focus on yourself, keep yourself busy. Go out with friends, go to clubs and bars, start new hobbies. Keep yourself busy, you'll get her out of your mind. I have almost forgot my exBPD completely, I was 6 months with her and now I'm starting to forget how she looked like. Simply I don't think about her anymore as I have found a new girlfriend.

Relationships with personality disordered people often are described as being on drugs. I have never been on drugs, so I don't know what it takes to get off drugs but before I even heard of this comparison, that is exactly how I described this to my best buddy - I feel like I am coming off a crazy drug. Don't beat yourself up over this. Everything will be alright in the end. If it isn't alright, it isn't the end.

Heh, I smoked weed once, did cocaine once, mushrooms, acid and peyote. I really didn't like the effects of the drugs. I really can't understand why people like all these things, when you're high you can't even function I asked my self how do people keep up with all this crap?

My RS was the same, I never liked I did love her but there was always something strange going on. Even at her place I felt something negative. Whenever I stayed at her place I just couldn't sleep, if I did I had only nightmares. When I think back I tell myself how did I keep up with my exBPD? How do other people stay in a long relationship with their pwBPD?

[Mutt]

Hey Hawk,

I can understand triggers and periods where we're susceptible to triggers. I think you may need more time behind you?

Was there something particularly significant with the 4th of July and your ex?

[Hawk Ridge]

I agree that I need more time to get her out of my system.  I deleted all of her pictures and I stay off of facebook (which has provided me with amazing relief). We don't live in the same city so distance is also helpful. It's likely that it's another holiday weekend and... .well, I was  very close with her and her family... .and not with my own.  I felt like I belonged with them.  Many times, I miss them more than her.  I know it's petty but it still hurts that my replacement is celebrating with her family and I am looking for ways to keep myself busy.  I think I am just in a pity party today ... .just missing what was even though I Fully believe I have an amazing life and it was a blessing that she left.  I am physically and emotionally healthier. I had developed a bad case of IBS.  I was dropping everything and I was constantly nervous and apologetic.  I have my confidence back. I walk slowly and am kinder than I have ever been as I now seek to give back to others.  I am truly blessed and, after receiving the gifts of understanding and patience from you all, I am choosing to be kinder to myself to know today was just one of those days.  I hope I can give back to others what you have all given to me in this past year and a half.  Thank you.

[Mutt]

I can understand missing being a part of her family that that it's not fair that your replacement is spending time with them.

I can relate that my exes family welcomed me like one of their own and I felt accepted, more so than my own family. I felt like I lost many loved ones, I felt like I lost a family.

I can understand that it feels like a pity party and I think it helps to talk about it.

[Hawk Ridge]

Mutt, from my heart, thank you.  Your wisdom gleaned from experience always helps.  Knowing you went ghrough the loss of family helps.  I know she never fully comprehended the pain that caused me, or perhaps didn't care.  On my good days, I don't take it as personally.  Today, it feels cruel. i know the disease is cruel but sometimes it is hard to separate it and, when I recall knowing what I knew about her history, I tend to do the self pity self blame game.  She raged within the first month and it drew me back but I dismissed it just as fast, wanted to believe all those things were over ir I could make them better.  Now, when I go to that place in my head that she and the replacement can succeed where I didn't, I Have to stop that tape right away.  It's nothing I know anything about and I have to lead my own life.  Anyway, thanks.  I Do feel better.  Thank you

[Mutt]

You're welcome and I am happy that you feel better HawkRidge. I think we have good and bad days and sometimes holidays don't help. I can see how it's a lack of empathy and invalidating your feelings because of the black and whitre thinking of disorder and how it may hurt you. I hope you find new traditions.


I do wish you a happy Independence Day.


----Mutt

[Hawk Ridge]

Ah yes... .Independence Day.

Happy Independence Day to you and the rest of the FREE people who come to these boards to gain insight, understanding and comfort.

[myself]

It's been said a million times because it's true:

Grieving does not go in a straight line.

Plus, how many of us have ever dealt with this kind of thing before, this depth of disorder? Idealization, projection, FOG... .Who saw these storms coming until they were already here? Add in love, and trying to make the best of everything, and you can't be too hard on yourself. So we live and learn, accept what we can, and let go of/change what's too negative (while with someone or not). We're all getting there. Let's keep going.