I believe that my husband suffers from BPD, and I'm looking for help coping with it. Things have been really hard ever since our son was born six years ago. He has been fired from several jobs since then, and he couldn't understand why. The most recent was last week, and I just lost it. I have been begging him to go to therapy but he doesn't see that there's any reason to, or that it will help. I try to be supportive but I feel manipulated and angry because of the emotional turmoil he's inflicting on me, our children, our friends, and extended family. I don't want to break up our family by separating, so I feel like I should find some ways to cope with it constructively.
Hello Farmday,
Welcome to the group ... .here you will find others who have or are experiencing what you're going through. There is NO judging here ... .only words of encouragement and education in one form or another. I have dealt with 2 ex gf who had BPD and in learning what it was all about have come to learn that my mother and my younger sister also have BPD ... .for the record ... .in my own search I've become self aware of my behaviors as well and through my own therapy, my own reading and consuming everything I could to learn about BPD ... .i have learned that I am a "care giver, people pleaser, knight in shining armor, the savior of the situation, the cowboy wearing the white hat". I want to fix everything ... .mine is a learned behavior from growing up in the house that i did where my mother is BPD and my father was absent, raging alcoholic. I sought to earn both their approval in anything and everything I did to at least get some positive feedback from either one ... .that never came. The good thing is I'm now self aware and I have learned to say no ... .no to the verbal & mental abuse. I'm learning to be responsible for myself and not for someone else. I've learned a lot via this website and a couple of other websites forums. I've learned from watching and talking to those who have BPD and why they are the way they are. I've read books, "Stop walking on egg shells & I Love you, I hate you don't leave me". Some websites out there are very brutal in their approach for a man to leave a woman who has BPD ... .but most are educational. I encourage you to learn EVERYTHING that is BPD ... .and encourage you to seek out your own therapist ... .your own counselor because you have to take care of yourself ... .if you don't or can't take care of yourself how do you plan on taking care of your child in this environment?
You didn't Cause this behavior ... .You can't Control this behavior ... .You can't Cure this behavior ... .YOU NEED TO READ IT, LEARN IT AND LIVE THAT MONTRA! it's like being an alcoholic ... .the first step to recovery is knowing you have a problem ... .there isn't anything you or anyone else will be able to say or do to get them to go to a therapist. They have to want to do it on their own. BPD is a learned behavior, it's like dealing with a 2 or 3 year old in an adult body. I bet if you go to your favorite quite spot ... .have a glass of wine and reflect on the years you've known him and especially since the birth of your child you can see the same behavior of acting out, lashing out, throwing temper tantrums as your child.
Somewhere in his childhood he had a traumatic event happen ... .maybe more than once ... .maybe weeks or months or even years worth. The person they were suppose to depend on for security, safety, the person to be there to make everything safe again wasn't there ... .time and time again ... .so they never really developed their behavior of an adult. Maybe his dad, mom or bigger brother or sister wasn't there to protect him, let him know everything was going to be ok ... .so it became a survival instinct ... .one of the biggest things you'll read about someone who has BPD is this huge fear of being abandon ... .whether it is real or not. They have learned though out their life that if they feel they are about to be abandon they will lash out, rage, become angry, abuse drugs, alcohol, extra relationships, they will cause themselves physical pain one way or the other, in the past it was cutting in a hidding area ... .today it can be a tattoo that they get because it causes physical pain and it helps dull the emotional pain they feel of being abandon. Example, my ex BPD gf has had 2 major bicycle crashes in less than a week ... .days before that she went into her mode and texted me she wanted to feel pain, she felt lost, she felt unworthy of love, etc ... .she was hurting again. The first one she rode down a embankment into bushes that caused scratches and some minor internal bruising. The second one just 3 days ago she rode into the leading edge of a concrete bridge ... .this caused major bruising, internal bruising, and some major scrapes. So watch for things like this. If they threaten suicide, call 911 ... .don't play. People with BPD have the most attempted suicides of any mental disorder and 8-10% actually complete the act.
I'm not a doctor, a clinical physiologist or therapist ... .but from what you've describe you've noticed a significant increase in this behavior since your son was born ... .it could be that you're giving most of your attention to your son and he feels as if you're not paying enough attention to him ... .that you've abandon him for someone else. It doesn't make since how a grown man who is educated can believe this or feel this way but people with BPD don't make since, it's an irrational fear that they've learned as a child ... .it's a defense mechanism to protect themselves.
the good news is ... .is that this behavior can be corrected over time ... .a lot of time. Someone with BPD will have to go through a couple of different types of therapy once a week for years to come. You have to see one yourself to help yourself heal, cope, learn about not only them, but learn about yourself as well. You have to learn to "train" your BPD ... .you have to set boundaries ... .it's like your son ... .you have had to set boundaries with him ... .the same goes for you S/O. It's like the child who acts out in the grocery store to get what they want ... .the parent is embarrassed, says no, says no, says no, the child knows if they continue with acting out, screaming, throwing a tantrum that you will eventually give in to give them what they want. I've had to set a boundary with the ex gf ... .one of the issues that are common with BPD is the need for "extra relationships" or bf, gf ... .I told her as long as she was seeing BF#2 I wasn't going to see her, sleep with her or be any part of her life. I will NOT be part of any type of 3 way triangle relationship. He didn't want to hear about the day to day drama from work or her children and see her only when he wanted to see her ... .basically casual care free sex on his schedule. She didn't want to loose the relationship with him so she gave him what she wanted. When she called me she would tell me about her day, the issues with the kids, true issues with the ex husband, etc and I would listen ... .when he didn't have time for her to come over she would call me and invite me over for the day, night or weekend. When I found out that she was still seeing him, I left and told her why ... .she continues to call me ... .but I have told her again I will not be in any part of a 3 way ... .if BF2 doesn't have time to hear about your ex that's not my problem ... .if bf2 doesn't want you to come over or has gone on a weekend get away with another woman and you want to spend the weekend with me ... .again not my problem. You know where I stand ... .and it's that type of boundaries they desire ... .they want ... .because they never learned it in the past. BTW, she makes it a point to call me to "let me know" that when she doesn't have the girls she's not at BF2 house. It's a work in progress, but like anyone who has dealt with someone who has BPD, learning new behavior for anyone will take a few up and downs. It's just like your son, he has to relearn the lesson or behavior you're trying to teach him ... .so it goes the same for your BPD S/O.
If you're S/O does indeed have BPD, read, learn, everything you can about it ... .i went to Youtube and watch video's ... .some good ... .some not so much. I watch video's from a young woman in her mid to late 20's who realizes she has BPD and she is trying to attempt to educate those of us who love someone with BPD and why they are they way they are. She rambles a lot ... .a lot like my ex BPD gf ... .but if you watch through the end of her video's you will take something away from each one. Alissia is a smart woman, but as you will see she has a lot of ink ... .it's to help dull the emotional pain she feels. I've known others like this as well. What I took away from her video's was to look at the situation from their perspective ... .it helped me learn more about the entire situation.
Other websites, video's are pretty brutal in helping me get away from this type of destructive relationship ... .going complete No Contact (NC). Again, I try to learn something from every site ... .but I keep an open mind. A couple of books are, "Stop walking on Egg shells and I love you, I hate you, don't leave me".
Above all else take care of yourself ... .somewhere ... .that you'll see often ... .a page on your cell phone ... .in your purse ... .somewhere ... .write down this, "I didn't CAUSE it. I CAN'T cure it. I CAN'T control it."
LEARN TO AND DO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF ... .and your child ... .
I hope that you find peace and strength to do what you need to do to find order and peace in your life and your sons life.
JQ
