My mother has cancer and I am conflicted

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello. This is my first post to a message board for this. I am 30, recently married, and my mother has BPD. I've been in therapy for the last three years trying to sort through what healthy relationships are and how to maintain boundaries. My mom is not thrilled about the therapist, the boundaries, the husband and his support.

And my mom has cancer, stage 3. She's in chemo now, after having had her tumor removed. And she only just told me what's going on. It's not the first time she's held back information about her health until such time as she could use it manipulatively, but it is hitting me really hard on a number of levels. Not the least of which is the one where she told me she didn't tell me because I clearly don't love her anymore (this at the special birthday event I planned for her). I am so conflicted. Part of me wants to give in and to be the daughter she wants me to be, to prove that I love her and want to take care of her like I always have before. Part of me is horrified at the idea that this is the third cancer she's had in my lifetime and, with the way things are looking, it may be the last. I'm scared of losing her, sad we don't have the close relationship I wish we could have, and just... .I'm rambling.

Has anyone else had experience caring for a BPD with an illness? How do you do it? I'm feeling guilty and awful for not calling her and checking in, but I don't want to fall into her traps again. Help?

[Crivvit]

Hello. This is my first post to a message board for this. I am 30, recently married, and my mother has BPD. I've been in therapy for the last three years trying to sort through what healthy relationships are and how to maintain boundaries. My mom is not thrilled about the therapist, the boundaries, the husband and his support.

And my mom has cancer, stage 3. She's in chemo now, after having had her tumor removed. And she only just told me what's going on. It's not the first time she's held back information about her health until such time as she could use it manipulatively, but it is hitting me really hard on a number of levels. Not the least of which is the one where she told me she didn't tell me because I clearly don't love her anymore (this at the special birthday event I planned for her). I am so conflicted. Part of me wants to give in and to be the daughter she wants me to be, to prove that I love her and want to take care of her like I always have before. Part of me is horrified at the idea that this is the third cancer she's had in my lifetime and, with the way things are looking, it may be the last. I'm scared of losing her, sad we don't have the close relationship I wish we could have, and just... .I'm rambling.

Has anyone else had experience caring for a BPD with an illness? How do you do it? I'm feeling guilty and awful for not calling her and checking in, but I don't want to fall into her traps again. Help?

[Kwamina]

Hi Crivvit

I am very sorry that your mother is so sick now. It's never easy when a close family-member has a serious illness.

Has your mother been officially diagnosed with BPD? Has she ever gotten any targeted treatment or therapy for her mental health issues?

I am glad you have a support network in the form of your therapist and husband, that can really help when dealing with a BPD parent.

Guilt is something many children of BPD parents often struggle with. Based on your post it seems your mother might be using things such as obligation and guilt to try to get you to behave in a certain way. Would you say this is an accurate assessment? If so, you might find the following article interesting:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG): How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Here's a short excerpt:

fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.