Is it ok to NEVER "initiate" contact?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have found with my BPD, that it's best if I pretty much always let her come to me.

Any form of "chasing" tends to drive her away, while sitting back, acting somewhat aloof tends to draw her in.

The last time she had high attraction for me was off the back of me being aloof and slow to respond, she said she wished that i'd text her first so i started doing it and she backed away.

It feels bad to not be able to reach out first, but if i do i often get ignored or low interest response, At least if I only respond I know she wants to talk to me.

I do miss the idealisation days, never had these bloody problems back then

[Infern0]

I have found with my BPD, that it's best if I pretty much always let her come to me.

Any form of "chasing" tends to drive her away, while sitting back, acting somewhat aloof tends to draw her in.

The last time she had high attraction for me was off the back of me being aloof and slow to respond, she said she wished that i'd text her first so i started doing it and she backed away.

It feels bad to not be able to reach out first, but if i do i often get ignored or low interest response, At least if I only respond I know she wants to talk to me.

I do miss the idealisation days, never had these bloody problems back then

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[MaroonLiquid]

The better question is, "are you ok with never initiating contact?"  I think that is unhealthy and creates a power dynamic in them.  They deal with NPD traits and that just makes it worse.  R/S's are two way streets.  If it's not, I would look at doing something different.  I don't ncessarily mean ending it either.

[an0ught]

Hi Infern0,

as ML said - this is neither healthy for you nor does it help the relationship in the long term. It is worth trying to do some things differently.

Keep in mind however:

- surprises are always bad, the SET format soothes before something more meaty comes. Meaty can be really also just a small positive but surprising thing.

- respect is key. Are there times, areas or situations where she is particular super sensitive?

- ask her when the best time is to approach her and hold her to that commitment.

- be clear what you want and keep it short. Attention is fickle with pwBPD. Don't come with a laundry list.

- remember emotions transfer. If you are anxious you have lost. Establish boundaries/retreat strategy so you feel safe (you feel safe and she senses you are safe).