DIL

[Fandangle]

This is new to me to join a mental health support group as I work in mental health. I have come to the conclusion that my DIL has traits of BPD- I have resisted saying this until I recently received a letter from my DIL's mother (who lives in an Asian country) about her daughter's anger and intolerance of any perceived critism- apparently this has been going on for a long time. My DIL frequently leaves my son for months and takes my two young grandsons with her then returns to the USA. Of note, my DIL has a serious mental illness and had to be hospitalized while my DIL visited- too much anger and stress for the sister.

She has been difficult from the start- she got pregnant as she needed a green card. She has been very disrespectful to me as her mother-in-law, hits my son and is belittling and cruel to him. She expects my son to do the bulk of childcare- she does not work. At this time she is not communicating with me and has control of my son and grandchildren who I am desperately worried about- they recently moved to the opposite coast of where I live. She will not get help and blames everything that makes her unhappy on my son- including the recent premature birth of my second grandson. I know my son is very depressed but will not listen to what I am aware of. He is trying to keep his children and family together at any cost- he was able to admit this. By the way, they are both very intelligent and creative people who are well educated.

I will retread Walking on Eggshells and start reading the other books recommended on this site. Right now I am depressed myself- in fact everyone is in a tizzy except my DIL. Something we note when working with the syndrome in the workplace- whenever the staff are split- watch out. I just needed to share this as my heart is broken and I can not be objective right now- I am sick about what is happening to my son and grandsons- mood switches and anger.

[Kwamina]

Hi Fandangle

Welcome to bpdfamily

I am sorry to hear about this difficult situation you are finding yourself in. BPD can be quite a challenging disorder. Have you shared your believe that she has BPD with your son?

She has been difficult from the start- she got pregnant as she needed a green card.

What makes you think this was the reason she got pregnant? Did you or anyone else ever hear her say this? Does your son also think this is the reason she got pregnant?

She has been very disrespectful to me as her mother-in-law, hits my son and is belittling and cruel to him.

In what ways do you feel she has been disrespectful to you? Could you give of some examples?

Being belittled is very unpleasant and cruel by itself. Are there also other ways in which you feel your DIL is being cruel to your son?

The fact that she hits your son is very concerning. Do you believe your son is currently (physically) safe with her?

He is trying to keep his children and family together at any cost- he was able to admit this. By the way, they are both very intelligent and creative people who are well educated.

It sounds like she might be using things such as fear, obligation and guilt to try and control your son. Would you sat that's an accurate assessment? If so, you might want to check out this article we have here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Regardless of what your DIL does, your son is still an adult and responsible for his own actions. Why do you think he goes along with his wife and lets his wife treat him this way? Does he also let other people treat him like this?

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting here and reading the stories of other members

[mother in law]

hi Fandangle. I also am sorry you are going through this, it really is horrible and does tear families apart. Fandangle, when I read your thread it sounded like my story- DIL (now ex for me), DIL Asian -is yours? (NOT the reason she has BPD but the cultural mores can make it much harder to communicate), you work in mental health-I worked in healthcare as a nurse, we wonder if DIL got pregnant sooner than planned to get out of going to work (hates work and won't do any of it of any kind both inside and outside the home), VERY disrespectful to me (difficult to explain this- but it is rudeness face to face, won't talk unless it suits her, body language, expectations that I will do all and she nothing, takes all for granted when you help-including money. Painting me VERY black. She has admitted this-once and other people have commented on it). She was physically abusive towards my son and continues to be verbally and emotionally abusive. Her one saving grace is that she never used to deny us access of our granddaughter. She did however do it last holidays. Her mother also rang my son after they separated and told him she was sorry he had had such a difficult time. So a lot of similarities.

Sometimes I think she was and is tough on me because I am a nurse and she realises that I am aware of her mental health problems and therefore a threat. This may also be the same for you, due to our backgrounds we are much more aware. The only thing I can say is to read as much as you can on this site and get your worries out in writing. It really helps and I have had good advice here. I found that my friends and sometimes family do not understand the level of stress, abuse and general mayhem that is occurring and the general consensus is that females are not abusive, Asian females are submissive and I am the mother in law so must be the problem! Stereotypes can be very dangerous!

My other advice is stick by your son and gently give advice/help if you can. My son who is now divorced knows his ex is abusive etc but will not go near the BPD diagnosis which makes it hard to get him to learn to deal with her successfully. He is a very lovely man, but naïve and she uses the fear, obligation and guilt card a lot to get her own way and he succumbs. He is getting stronger but there is no short term answer I am afraid. I read as much as I can here and gently incorporate it into conversation where applicable.

There seem to be a few MIL on this site with the same problems. Sometimes I have cried (lots), worried lots and generally become consumed with it. Now when she says things I tend to try and find some humour in it (not laughing at her) as humour makes me feel better and some situations are totally ridiculous! It has taken a long time to get to this stage.

Kwamina I agree they are adults and my son stayed 10 years living the same sort of life. He says he stayed because he desperately wanted a happy family like he had as a child and he wanted it to work. I think it takes some courage to set yourself free. He said he realised he could give his daughter a happier life in weekends and show her positive role models if they were no longer married but it takes a while to think this through you only have to read the staying or leaving board here.

Good luck.