Is BPD causing the problem in our marriage.

[Depression = 72% of members]

We have been married now for three years but things are quickly falling apart. In discussion with close friends they suggest that my wife has some BPD trends but I am seeking more informed advice.  When we first met and were courting she seemed a perfect fit - everything I liked she also enjoyed - or at least said she did. If I enjoyed trainspotting, hangliding or eating prunes and custard then, that was exactly what interested her. Sex was frequent, frantic and adventurous. It seemed a perfect match - then we got married and suddenly everything changed. Almost immediatly a total collapse. No longer does she like what I like, she criticises everybody and everything almost non stop. Whatever I do or say is always negated - cook a meal and the comment is "too much spice" or "not enough spice" - put on some music and its "too loud" or "too soft" or "distracting" - but give her a task, however simple, she cannot, or will not, do it. She tries to control all those around her and this seems to give her satisfaction and confidence. Most evenings she has a long phone argument with one of her family - most of the bellowing and shouting is from her. Go on holiday and the hotel staff are "incompetent" and she will start an argument with any who come within range. Sex is a distant memory, for me a daylong argument does not leave me in a loving mood, and for her she would rather watch TV - but I can also accept that maybe an absence of sex does not leave me in the most tranquil of moods.

So the questions in my mind - was her mirroring of interests a suggestion of BPD - is her need to supress and dominate others a sign of BPD.

[sistem]

We have been married now for three years but things are quickly falling apart. In discussion with close friends they suggest that my wife has some BPD trends but I am seeking more informed advice.  When we first met and were courting she seemed a perfect fit - everything I liked she also enjoyed - or at least said she did. If I enjoyed trainspotting, hangliding or eating prunes and custard then, that was exactly what interested her. Sex was frequent, frantic and adventurous. It seemed a perfect match - then we got married and suddenly everything changed. Almost immediatly a total collapse. No longer does she like what I like, she criticises everybody and everything almost non stop. Whatever I do or say is always negated - cook a meal and the comment is "too much spice" or "not enough spice" - put on some music and its "too loud" or "too soft" or "distracting" - but give her a task, however simple, she cannot, or will not, do it. She tries to control all those around her and this seems to give her satisfaction and confidence. Most evenings she has a long phone argument with one of her family - most of the bellowing and shouting is from her. Go on holiday and the hotel staff are "incompetent" and she will start an argument with any who come within range. Sex is a distant memory, for me a daylong argument does not leave me in a loving mood, and for her she would rather watch TV - but I can also accept that maybe an absence of sex does not leave me in the most tranquil of moods.

So the questions in my mind - was her mirroring of interests a suggestion of BPD - is her need to supress and dominate others a sign of BPD.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxen]

hi sistem    welcome to bpdfamily. i'm very sorry for the situation you're in, but i'm happy you've found us. we have a wealth of resources that may help you to understand the dynamics of what you're experiencing.

nobody here can make a diagnosis, but your wife's behaviors do conform to patterns characteristic of BPD. we have a few articles that may explain some elements of what you're seeing: How a Borderline Relationship Evolves, and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. please have a look at those. we also have many articles about communication shyles; here's one to start. Communication Skills - Validation.

have you considered marital counseling? do you have friends who see what's going on? please keep posting sistem!

[ptilda]

As I've told others, whether she is BPD or not, the advice here will largely apply. It sounds very similar to my husband (also undiagnosed).

Hang in there, you're in good company.