My introduction- I tried to keep it short, but I failed.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello-  I have been following these blogs since December, but this is my first post.  My divorce with uxwBPD will be finalized any day now.  I did not want a divorce and still do not.  I am Catholic and I would do anything to keep the marriage alive.  My vows to her are the most important thing I have ever done in my life and to be honest, I would remarry her if she seeks help.

I will try to be as brief as possible on our background.  We were together for five years and married for three.  There were episodes of BPD traits throughout our relationship, but we always chalked it up to anger issues, or as she calls it, her “Italian temper.”  She is very good at hiding her temper and I am sure you could count the people who have seen her demonic like rages on one hand.  Her friends and co-workers have no clue what I have seen or experienced with her and probably would not believe me if I told them.  She is highly educated and very high functioning.  She is a medical doctor.

She has an emotionally abusive mother and a father that enabled her mother’s behavior. According to my ex-wife, her mother had a demanding job and was not around at home as much as she wished she had been.  Work was a priority over the family.  She provided for the family financially, but did not provide for the family in a nurturing way. On top of not being there, when she was there she often belittled her two children.  They always had to be the best and showcased her two daughters like they were show dogs.  My uexBPDw used to say that she had PTSD from her childhood.

I will jump ahead to the last year.  About a year ago, my ex suffered a horrible hiking accident.  She fell and broke her jaw and later suffered excruciating nerve pain from the accident.  At the time her pain was the greatest, she was told by some doctors that the pain may be permanent. Every day was a struggle for her and we had to make several visits to the ER for pain meds.  It was horrible to see her go through that.  At the time she would make comments to me that the pain was too severe and that she wanted to end her life.  I responded to her that the pain would get better and that she shouldn’t end her life.  Looking back, I realize that my responses were not validating to her.  Her mother on the other hand responded to her by saying “If you take your life, I will take mine too.”  My wife interpreted my comments as uncaring while her mother’s comments were exactly what she wanted to hear.  My wife said, “You have no idea what I am going though.  My mother is willing to kill herself if I die and all you said is “you will get better.”  You don’t know how show empathy.”

My in-laws then decided to take my wife away to another state to receive medical care (apparently there are no doctors in our state).  For the first week I received texts that said I was the greatest love she had ever known and that our plans of having kids and starting a life together were over because of her pain.  She said she could not continue living and that she wanted to say goodbye to me.  She said I should divorce her so that I could live a normal life.  I said I would not do that.  After I told her no that I would not divorce her, her tone changed and she started blaming me for all her pain and said I was not there for her while her parents were so great and not leaving her side.  I continued to get suicide threats from her, even when I was at work.  I wanted to call police, but her dad told me not to as that “would ruin her career.”  I responded by saying “there is no career if she carries out her suicide threat.”  I then went to her primary care doctor and showed her the texts.  She was able to convince the parents to bring her home.

My wife was never the same at that point.  When I picked her and her parents up at the airport, she gave me the most evil stare imaginable. Her parents did not know how long she would need help so they decided to get an apartment in the SAME complex as us.  This made it very easy for my wife to leave two weeks later when she left and never came back.  About a month later, my wife’s parents filed for divorce.  That is not a typo.  They were the ones who filled out the paperwork, took her to visit with an attorney, drove her to the notary, and filed the paperwork on Christmas Eve!  I know they did this because the paperwork was in her father’s handwriting! 

I don’t think my wife would have filed if it wasn’t for the help of her parents.  There were other times during our engagement or marriage that she stated she wanted to call things off.  I was always able to calm her down.  Once she calmed down she would tell me that “I wasn’t really going to break off the wedding, or divorce you.  I was testing you.”

I did not know about BPD until this past year.  I only learned about it after my ex moved out of our apartment.  I currently see a therapist and a nurse practioner for my own issues.  They have not met my wife, but from what I have told them, they say my stories are consistent with BPD.

I have several questions to throw out but I will start another thread that isn’t so long.  I do want to add that I think my wife is a good person, but I do believe she is hurting a lot on the inside.  I don’t think there is a replacement, and I don’t think she will actively seek out a replacement for a long time. 

Sorry for the rant.  It was difficult to summarize the past year in just a few pages.  I am posting on the leaving board because the divorce is going to be final any day and I currently have no contact with her.  I do wish I was posting on the staying board as I would weather the storm with her if she would get help.

[abq1980]

Hello-  I have been following these blogs since December, but this is my first post.  My divorce with uxwBPD will be finalized any day now.  I did not want a divorce and still do not.  I am Catholic and I would do anything to keep the marriage alive.  My vows to her are the most important thing I have ever done in my life and to be honest, I would remarry her if she seeks help.

I will try to be as brief as possible on our background.  We were together for five years and married for three.  There were episodes of BPD traits throughout our relationship, but we always chalked it up to anger issues, or as she calls it, her “Italian temper.”  She is very good at hiding her temper and I am sure you could count the people who have seen her demonic like rages on one hand.  Her friends and co-workers have no clue what I have seen or experienced with her and probably would not believe me if I told them.  She is highly educated and very high functioning.  She is a medical doctor.

She has an emotionally abusive mother and a father that enabled her mother’s behavior. According to my ex-wife, her mother had a demanding job and was not around at home as much as she wished she had been.  Work was a priority over the family.  She provided for the family financially, but did not provide for the family in a nurturing way. On top of not being there, when she was there she often belittled her two children.  They always had to be the best and showcased her two daughters like they were show dogs.  My uexBPDw used to say that she had PTSD from her childhood.

I will jump ahead to the last year.  About a year ago, my ex suffered a horrible hiking accident.  She fell and broke her jaw and later suffered excruciating nerve pain from the accident.  At the time her pain was the greatest, she was told by some doctors that the pain may be permanent. Every day was a struggle for her and we had to make several visits to the ER for pain meds.  It was horrible to see her go through that.  At the time she would make comments to me that the pain was too severe and that she wanted to end her life.  I responded to her that the pain would get better and that she shouldn’t end her life.  Looking back, I realize that my responses were not validating to her.  Her mother on the other hand responded to her by saying “If you take your life, I will take mine too.”  My wife interpreted my comments as uncaring while her mother’s comments were exactly what she wanted to hear.  My wife said, “You have no idea what I am going though.  My mother is willing to kill herself if I die and all you said is “you will get better.”  You don’t know how show empathy.”

My in-laws then decided to take my wife away to another state to receive medical care (apparently there are no doctors in our state).  For the first week I received texts that said I was the greatest love she had ever known and that our plans of having kids and starting a life together were over because of her pain.  She said she could not continue living and that she wanted to say goodbye to me.  She said I should divorce her so that I could live a normal life.  I said I would not do that.  After I told her no that I would not divorce her, her tone changed and she started blaming me for all her pain and said I was not there for her while her parents were so great and not leaving her side.  I continued to get suicide threats from her, even when I was at work.  I wanted to call police, but her dad told me not to as that “would ruin her career.”  I responded by saying “there is no career if she carries out her suicide threat.”  I then went to her primary care doctor and showed her the texts.  She was able to convince the parents to bring her home.

My wife was never the same at that point.  When I picked her and her parents up at the airport, she gave me the most evil stare imaginable. Her parents did not know how long she would need help so they decided to get an apartment in the SAME complex as us.  This made it very easy for my wife to leave two weeks later when she left and never came back.  About a month later, my wife’s parents filed for divorce.  That is not a typo.  They were the ones who filled out the paperwork, took her to visit with an attorney, drove her to the notary, and filed the paperwork on Christmas Eve!  I know they did this because the paperwork was in her father’s handwriting! 

I don’t think my wife would have filed if it wasn’t for the help of her parents.  There were other times during our engagement or marriage that she stated she wanted to call things off.  I was always able to calm her down.  Once she calmed down she would tell me that “I wasn’t really going to break off the wedding, or divorce you.  I was testing you.”

I did not know about BPD until this past year.  I only learned about it after my ex moved out of our apartment.  I currently see a therapist and a nurse practioner for my own issues.  They have not met my wife, but from what I have told them, they say my stories are consistent with BPD.

I have several questions to throw out but I will start another thread that isn’t so long.  I do want to add that I think my wife is a good person, but I do believe she is hurting a lot on the inside.  I don’t think there is a replacement, and I don’t think she will actively seek out a replacement for a long time. 

Sorry for the rant.  It was difficult to summarize the past year in just a few pages.  I am posting on the leaving board because the divorce is going to be final any day and I currently have no contact with her.  I do wish I was posting on the staying board as I would weather the storm with her if she would get help.

[Michelle27]

Welcome to the board. 

I held out hope for a very long time (most of a decade) that my stbxh would get help and we could get back to the early days of our relationship.  It took me a very long time to reach the point of accepting that he won't and admitting to myself that I couldn't handle the uncertainty of never knowing whether I'd be raged at that day or not.  I put up so many walls around myself and my feelings out of protection and finally realized that this is no way for someone like me to live.  It wasn't easy to admit defeat on my marriage, but I know it had to be done for my own mental health and for my kids. 

Your ex wife's background is a lot like my ex's although my ex was also beaten into a coma by his father in addition to the belittling and constant criticism. He claims he is over it and has forgiven his father but he has 8 out of the 9 traits of BPD so even though by the end of the marriage he was undiagnosed (although going through the motions of getting help at least until I called it quits... .I believe he decided not to pursue it further because he was only doing it to keep me). It's a tough road, and the only way to heal is to take a close look at yourself.  That was hard for me, but from what I've read here, it's essential to not repeat the patterns.  I believe that most of us "nons" attract these partners for a reason and without coming to an understanding of what those reasons are, we will never truly heal and move on.

I wish you luck and continue to hang out here and read.  It really does help.

[abq1980]

Thanks Michelle for your kind words.  I am sorry you had a similar experience.  Even though the divorce is final, I am still hopeful (maybe foolishly).  I know that I am a stronger person than I was a year ago and it sounds like that it is true for you as well. 

You talked about not knowing if you were going to be raged at or not every day.  I had a similar experience too.  On top of a demanding job, I did almost all of the cleaning, cooking, and errands for the house.  I'd like to think I did that out of love, but looking back, I think part of that was to put her in a better mood so I wouldn't be yelled at. 

[Michelle27]

It was that uncertainty that finally broke me.  I realized I was experiencing PTSD symptoms never knowing what the chaos in my life was going to bring me.  Also realizing that no one deserves to live like that, especially my kids.