I'm not going to be GAGGED

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This just happened AGAIN... but this time... .I voiced myself.

She had been trying to train me to BE QUIET... dont rock the boat... .dont argue or fight... .

Meanwhile, that means I must swallow my words, beliefs and feelings... .

Well... tonight... I had it.

Something just broke inside me... like a Dam.

We were the texting.

And when she texted me... .because I didn't respond faster than 5 mins... .she begin to ho into her... "Here We Go Again" thing... about how I dont answer her text and I'm ignoring her etc etc.

So I just fired back. I'm through walking on eggshells...

I just dont give a crp anymore...

She made a threat ... .and I told if... Go Ahead... .

BUT IF YOU DO, Dont Blame ME!

So, I'm everything evil (dont give a sht... .saw her last night before she went yo work, and she treated me so coldly... .couldn't believe it... .on the drive home I kept saying "This is how you treat your 'boyfriend'?"... .a term she kept using for me.

I was reading some posts on here earlier today that gave me the strength to say ENOUGH!

I KNOW this is not going anywhere... .will not be any different... .

That I'm falling for a Mirage... .a Make-Believe relationship.

It just boggles my mind.

[JohnnyShoes]

This just happened AGAIN... but this time... .I voiced myself.

She had been trying to train me to BE QUIET... dont rock the boat... .dont argue or fight... .

Meanwhile, that means I must swallow my words, beliefs and feelings... .

Well... tonight... I had it.

Something just broke inside me... like a Dam.

We were the texting.

And when she texted me... .because I didn't respond faster than 5 mins... .she begin to ho into her... "Here We Go Again" thing... about how I dont answer her text and I'm ignoring her etc etc.

So I just fired back. I'm through walking on eggshells...

I just dont give a crp anymore...

She made a threat ... .and I told if... Go Ahead... .

BUT IF YOU DO, Dont Blame ME!

So, I'm everything evil (dont give a sht... .saw her last night before she went yo work, and she treated me so coldly... .couldn't believe it... .on the drive home I kept saying "This is how you treat your 'boyfriend'?"... .a term she kept using for me.

I was reading some posts on here earlier today that gave me the strength to say ENOUGH!

I KNOW this is not going anywhere... .will not be any different... .

That I'm falling for a Mirage... .a Make-Believe relationship.

It just boggles my mind.

[workinprogress]

JS, I approve of this thread.

[Darsha500]

JS, I also approve of this thread. 

[Loosestrife]

Quote:She had been trying to train me to BE QUIET... dont rock the boat... .dont argue or fight... .

I can relate to this. It's tantamount to being a slave. It's dominating and controlling.

[JohnLove]

Hello JohnnyShoes, I believe you are completely justified in your reaction. SET, validation, and the other tools here are extremely valuable but sometimes you just got to tell it like it is... .and if that "causes" the relationship to fracture then so be it.

I have used SET, validation, empathy, and a host of other tools but sometimes it gets a bit much, sometimes seeing you fail is the primary objective of the BPD, and enough becomes ENOUGH as you have said. You can always take a time out but standing up for yourself when your partner won't is most telling and somewhat satisfying as you are being true to yourself and living an authentic life. Sometimes the bullshyt becomes over the top and way too much.

Interestingly, sometimes the relationship coming to crisis point or extinction burst like this is exactly what is needed to improve or make progress in the relationship. Crunch time.

It's a funny old world.

[Darsha500]

Yah, really.

That was me as well. Always wearing a muzzle. I was always so scared to speak my mind because of the unpredictability of her reactions. I mean, seriously, sometimes i would make some genuine, kind, considerate comment (at least in my mind) to her and she would freak out - always finding fault in what I had to say.

One time I pointed out the polarization of her thought process, the black and white thinking, and she snapped at me saying, "Your invalidating me!" It was as if there was just no getting through to her.

In fact, there was another time where she said, "All you ever do is argue in response to me." and I said "No I don't." So she says, "SEE!" Then I'm like, "what was i suppose to say, "Yes thats true, all i do is argue." Then she started cracking up because she realized how she had put me in a double bind.

I'm 3 weeks out tomorrow. Its been so nice to reconnect with myself, and be free of the anxiety of constantly having to monitor what I say. A healthy relationship is not one in which we are stifled and feel unsafe expressing ourselves. Thats another gift this relationship has given me, It's shown me how amazing it is to be able to be myself again. Thats not something that I'm going to give up again. Because my self is all that I have.

[JohnnyShoes]

Yes...

Its very empowering to stand up for yourself and defend yourself... .

Even at the cost of Knowing what the reaction will be... but if I dont... .What do I have?

What am I gaining? A warm body to snuggle up to at night?

It basically comes down to a sick Adult version of playing "House"... .at MY expense, because its MY emotions that are placed in a blender.

So, this happened at 5pm this evening. Feeling ok. Like I did something good For ME... .and now cones the emptiness of the reality of being alone.

But... .I WANT what I had and what I was Into before I tangled with her.

I used to exercise every day... .I used to walk for mikes. I used to walk my dog early in the a.m. for 2 miles. Use to pray and enjoy my spiritual like (that bothered me most of all)

All these things I do not Blane her for... .but it just shows me more reasons why this wasn't Right!

I was sacrificing myself to the success of a relationship that was not capable of rewarding me with the very things I hoped to get from it.

She wanted someone to love and care for her... .and I chose to fill that role... .BUT... .

I had needs too... .and those I began to slowly... .slowly trade... .

Until I couldn't breath emotionally. Until I could not recognize myself... .

Until I was being filled with resentment... .and found myself either acting out... .or giving to her, what she was feeding me.

I then realized... .For What?

What am I doing?

Is this what I want?

I could feel myself get deeper in the mud with each new experience shared with her.

I realized I do Not want to share Life with her... .because, she will only take it from me.

I pray that I remember where I am right now... here in this moment... .And not be swayed by loneliness to want to dance with this again.

Johnny

[Mutt]

Hi JohnnyShoes,

I think that's good insight with remembering these moments  were our ex's want instant gratification when we feel that we may want to dance again down the road.

She has a side to her that's not going to change unless she recognizes that she needs to help herself and seek therapy.

[workinprogress]

Yah, really.

That was me as well. Always wearing a muzzle. I was always so scared to speak my mind because of the unpredictability of her reactions. I mean, seriously, sometimes i would make some genuine, kind, considerate comment (at least in my mind) to her and she would freak out - always finding fault in what I had to say.

One time I pointed out the polarization of her thought process, the black and white thinking, and she snapped at me saying, "Your invalidating me!" It was as if there was just no getting through to her.

In fact, there was another time where she said, "All you ever do is argue in response to me." and I said "No I don't." So she says, "SEE!" Then I'm like, "what was i suppose to say, "Yes thats true, all i do is argue." Then she started cracking up because she realized how she had put me in a double bind.

I'm 3 weeks out tomorrow. Its been so nice to reconnect with myself, and be free of the anxiety of constantly having to monitor what I say. A healthy relationship is not one in which we are stifled and feel unsafe expressing ourselves. Thats another gift this relationship has given me, It's shown me how amazing it is to be able to be myself again. Thats not something that I'm going to give up again. Because my self is all that I have.

I've been with my BPDW for around 26 years or so, married for 23.  My parents trained me well for life with BPD.  I learned at a young age to stuff in my feelings and thoughts.  Trust me, it is no way to live.

The more I break out of this mold, the more I can see my wife pulling away.

[Loosestrife]

Johnny - I rocked the boat by standing up for myself and instead of an extinction burst, my ex ended the r/s because she couldn't cope with it. I regret it. I know that my self esteem was at rock bottom by being so passive in the r/s. A friend said to me the other day to think if it as new house purchase and think about my emotions as the investment. You only have so much to invest in a run down property and then even when you get it into okay shap, it needs maintaining.

[JohnnyShoes]

All of this... .All our stories... .

It's so sad isn't it. I swear, what's even sadder to me is...

I could've picked her out blindfolded.

Goes to show my sub conscience is making choices ...

But there one thing I had... .

I had the ability to SEE the signs from the beginning and had the opportunity to Avoid this person.

It came down to a conscious choice... .I chose to Test the waters.