Paranoia/delusions -- how long do they last?

[GreenEyedMonster]

My exBPD broke up with me two weeks ago.  He is still actively seeking ways to block me online because I might "stalk" him.  I have made no attempt to contact him directly since the breakup, but clearly he is spending a lot of time thinking about this eventuality.

He had an obsession with the fact that his previous ex was going to stalk him and perhaps kill him.  He still believes this over a year later. 

Can I expect this to end at some point?  Or is he trapped in a permanent psychotic delusion?

[rotiroti]

I don't think anyone can answer this question, but past behavior is indicative of a pwBPD's future behavior, especially a pwBPD not undergoing therapy.

With that said, what does it mean for you if you are painted black by him? Are you trying to re-connect or disconnect?

[GreenEyedMonster]

I am not sure.

He told me that after he blocked his ex and made her disappear, he went through a period where he "forgot" she was bad and had to go to some trouble to keep her painted black. 

I am not sure if he actually tried to find her back or not -- he was always vague on that point.

Also, that was a LDR and mine was in person.

[rotiroti]

I am not sure.

He told me that after he blocked his ex and made her disappear, he went through a period where he "forgot" she was bad and had to go to some trouble to keep her painted black.  

I am not sure if he actually tried to find her back or not -- he was always vague on that point.

Also, that was a LDR and mine was in person.

Do you have a set of characteristics or a pro/con list for what you look for in a relationship? How does an ideal relationship look to you? What are some 'deal-breakers' for you?

Having that base sorted out for me helped me take action with my pwBPD. At the end of the day it didn't really matter if our partners have BPD or not, it was a matter of incompatibility, or rather too many incompatibles despite the good ones. I had gone into the relationship expecting to be at the same emotional level and staying meant I would have full knowledg of being committed while accepting the role of emotional care-taker - it wasn't a life I found appealing in the long run.

I am not sure of your back story but it seems unfair to be accused of stalking.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I made no attempt to contact him after he blocked me on social media.  I contacted a mutual friend who is a clergyman in confidence to talk about the situation, and the clergyman betrayed me by sharing the fact that I had contacted him with my exBPD.  Other than that, I have done nothing to show up where he is or contact him electronically.  Suffice it to say, I am not a stalker.  But this seems to be how he handles his ex girlfriends.

He said that last time he spent about 5-6 weeks trying to "escape" her and the regrets/recycling impulse came after that.  In that relationship, however, they had separate social media accounts just to contact each other, and her phone number changed immediately after the relationship was terminated.  It makes me wonder if the only reason he didn't recycle her is because he literally could not find her and read that as further rejection.

The idea of being recycled brings up such a bundle of mixed emotions for me that I don't even know where to start.

[rotiroti]

Perceptions and emotions are a powerful combination for a pwBPD. That incident with the clergy could be construed as something far more serious to your partner's eyes.

As for the mixed emotions, is it more positive or negative?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Perceptions and emotions are a powerful combination for a pwBPD. That incident with the clergy could be construed as something far more serious to your partner's eyes.

As for the mixed emotions, is it more positive or negative?

Neither of us is particularly religious, so I doubt that the incident with the clergyman had much more import than if I had contacted anyone else he knew.  At any rate, he told the clergyman something so awful about me that even the minister blocked me on Facebook!  I think it bothered him that I tried to "control" a mutual friend more than anything else.

It's more negative.  The entire relationship was permeated by the "walking on eggshells" feeling from the very beginning, so that is not something I relish returning to.  I am trying to get myself strong so that I'm not so vulnerable to a recycle.  If my exBPD showed up tomorrow acting like nothing had happened, I would find that extremely tempting, however.  He and I are genuinely compatible beyond the "idealization" and have a remarkable amount of our background and interests in common (well-documented, too -- not just mirroring).  I don't consider myself codependent and the "caretaking" aspect of the relationship was not validating for me.

Maybe what I really want is vindication, I don't know. 

[rotiroti]

Got it, I meant how it could be construed as something far more serious. I think it's an option to consider as evident by your clergy also blocking you.

I can understand how the common interests and background can lead to ambivalence and it's something I struggle with. We had the same ethnicity, both work in the same field, and have common interests across anything you can name. Even niche markets for music and film we had in common. We both played for a band on our spare time... .not to mention we've known each other's families for a decade. All of this just added intensity to my relationship which I would confuse for intimacy.

This is in contrast to my r/s prior to the pwBPD whom I barely had anything in common with, but she was open-minded and always tagged along to music venues and outings. My point is that while common interests and background are nice and aid in forming attachments, it should be taken with a grain of salt.

For me, the walking on eggshells and abuse eventually out shadowed the good things. I can see that you have very good insight on your situation and your current vulnerability. I was *this* close to recycling, but had an honest discussion with myself in addition to studying all I could about BPD. I read your previous post and got to read your backstory - the fact that you listed his incompatibility with your values is a big step towards the right direction because it's important to take every aspect of our partners into considerations.

Make the decision that works best for you!

[GreenEyedMonster]

Right now I just can't even wrap my mind around the idea of him recycling me.  If I heard from him, I think my brain would blow up from the shock.  Yet everyone here says to watch for it.

I even know that he almost recycled a woman he accused of wanting to kill him.  And yet . . . my brain screams, "It does not compute!"

I just really simply cannot logically comprehend that such a thing would EVER happen.

And yet, he is a not-so-attractive middle-aged man with absolutely ZERO skills to get a woman, who has been single for all but about a year of his life.  His time with me was probably the best four months of his life.  And he dumped me and shut me out, so he perceives himself as being in control.

I'm a very logical/rational person and I just can't grind this one out in my head.  I think that's why it's driving me nuts.

[rotiroti]

Well love is illogical, wouldn't you agree?




Recycling attempts are real from my experience. I was certain that I had burned all bridges and shipped the ashes into outerspace, but sure enough contact always came through

[GreenEyedMonster]

One time I had a friend give me the silent treatment after I tried to get too close to him.  He even stood me up when I tried to visit him in a foreign country.

Eight years later . . .

He showed up with a Facebook friend request.  I literally started screaming from the shock.

I do understand that there will probably be a recycle attempt.  I get that.  But it terrifies me that it does not make sense.  I guess that's the crux of the mental illness, though.  I want this to make sense so that I can figure it out and be ready.  But I'm not going to be ready, am I?  It is going to come when I least expect it.  It is going to come shortly after he feels like he is finally in control of the situation again.

I'm sorry to sound like a broken record here, but it's just so incredibly implausible.  There is nothing about my situation that suggests that he is even thinking about ever speaking to me again.  He would probably like it if *my* ashes were shipped into outer space.  And he will still come back?  Seriously?

[rotiroti]

If logic's your game, you could approach it with some facts about pwBPD:

1. A pwBPD experience extremely strong emotions.

2. These emotions are swept away by the next set of emotions.

3. One of these sets of emotions could be loving memories of you and it sweeps away all the negatives he might be holding onto ('painted white'. This is what I gathered by what you said about your partner trying to 'remind' himself that his last ex was bad for him

[GreenEyedMonster]

This has to look like some kind of crazy when it happens.

I am posting from a dinner party my ex is avoiding because his "stalker" is here.

I get it, really.  I just can't see his feelings for me changing.

It makes my brain feel like mud.