My uBPDxgf will most likely commit suicide pretty soon.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

See earlier posts for more background.

She's now in a special needs living. She has NOTHING left. She also gained a lot of weight and got stretch marks all over because of it, which is (as most of you know) hell for pwBPDs since they are so fixated with looks. She was/is really beautiful. She calls med and cries. "My life can't get any worse." I had enough of it and said "I told you this 3 years ago - you said the same thing back then, that your life can't get any worse, now look where you are. When will you learn to listen?"

She's gained 40lbs, got stretch marks, had to pull out 5 teeth, no friends, no income, no education, no job, only her mother wants to stay in contact (brother, father, grandmother all cut contact with her). She has no home and has been placed in some special needs living crap. I'm all that she has left. And I had enough. I've tried to be nice. I've been nice, I've been cruel, mean, wonderful, violent, calm, understanding, deceitful, honest. I've tried literally EVERYTHING. Nothing changes anything. The nicer I am to her, the more sinister she becomes towards me.

I*ve tried for 3 years. I told her she needs to stop her crap and listen. What did she do? She did drugs and was unfaithful behind my back, OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I forgave her. She kept doing it. Now this is where she is. I've had enough. I have no respect for her anymore. I don't care what she does. I've done my part. She honestly deserves any punishment she gets.

I told her (2 weeks back) she's got until the 10th of September to accept that I'm going to leave her, then that's it. What she does after that is on her, not me. She will most likely kill herself, but that is her choice, not mine. I don't really care anymore, she doesn't deserve ANY respect from me whatsoever.

[LonelyChild]

See earlier posts for more background.

She's now in a special needs living. She has NOTHING left. She also gained a lot of weight and got stretch marks all over because of it, which is (as most of you know) hell for pwBPDs since they are so fixated with looks. She was/is really beautiful. She calls med and cries. "My life can't get any worse." I had enough of it and said "I told you this 3 years ago - you said the same thing back then, that your life can't get any worse, now look where you are. When will you learn to listen?"

She's gained 40lbs, got stretch marks, had to pull out 5 teeth, no friends, no income, no education, no job, only her mother wants to stay in contact (brother, father, grandmother all cut contact with her). She has no home and has been placed in some special needs living crap. I'm all that she has left. And I had enough. I've tried to be nice. I've been nice, I've been cruel, mean, wonderful, violent, calm, understanding, deceitful, honest. I've tried literally EVERYTHING. Nothing changes anything. The nicer I am to her, the more sinister she becomes towards me.

I*ve tried for 3 years. I told her she needs to stop her crap and listen. What did she do? She did drugs and was unfaithful behind my back, OVER AND OVER AND OVER. I forgave her. She kept doing it. Now this is where she is. I've had enough. I have no respect for her anymore. I don't care what she does. I've done my part. She honestly deserves any punishment she gets.

I told her (2 weeks back) she's got until the 10th of September to accept that I'm going to leave her, then that's it. What she does after that is on her, not me. She will most likely kill herself, but that is her choice, not mine. I don't really care anymore, she doesn't deserve ANY respect from me whatsoever.

[Mutt]

Hi Lonely Child,

I can see how this would be frustrating. You stuck by her when her brother, father, grandmother all cut contact with your ex. I think that shows compassion.

I don't really care anymore, she doesn't deserve ANY respect from me whatsoever.

Are you worried about how she will cope after mid-Sept?

[OnceConfused]

sorry to hear about the probability of her committing suicide.

I think you cannot walk around, carrying other people's weight on your shoulders. She has had plenty of advice but she chose (emphasis) the way she is. You have got to live your own live and destiny.

[Sunfl0wer]

Do you mind explaining why you set that specific date?  Not 10 or more days earlier or later?

[LonelyChild]

Hi Lonely Child,

I can see how this would be frustrating. You stuck by her when her brother, father, grandmother all cut contact with your ex. I think that shows compassion.

I don't really care anymore, she doesn't deserve ANY respect from me whatsoever.

Are you worried about how she will cope after mid-Sept?

Yes, I'm worried. I cannot bear this crap anymore. She does NOTHING good to her life. I've begged her, scolded her, whatever, for years, telling her she HAS to do something productive like finish her high school ed or something (which she sould have like 5 years ago but never did, she's 23).

sorry to hear about the probability of her committing suicide.

I think you cannot walk around, carrying other people's weight on your shoulders. She has had plenty of advice but she chose (emphasis) the way she is. You have got to live your own live and destiny.

Thank you.

Do you mind explaining why you set that specific date?  Not 10 or more days earlier or later?

She did. She said she needed until the tenth to get used to the idea. I didn't bother to ask why.

I feel very sorry for her but I've warned her so so so many times and I've given her so so so many chances to change, and she won't. She says I'm going to see she's a different person by the tenth, but I've heard that 50+ times during the years.

[BorisAcusio]

Hi LonelyChild,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate to your ordeal as my ex was in a similar state when we broke up, only 15 years older.

scolded her, whatever, for years, telling her she HAS to do something I told her she needs to stop her crap and listen

Borderlines are true survivors, they always get by somehow, even in the face of extreme chaos, chaos that most of us couldn't even handle. While you're concerns are valid it feels like that you're setting her up for the ultimate failure if she does not fit into your idea of reference of how she should live her life. These "tyrannical shoulds" that white knights bring forth fit neatly into their concept of persecution, bondage and slavery. While they need others to vocalize strong opinions about themselves, giving away power makes them feel like being kept hostage.

Scolding is what a parent would do to a child. This is no different from the initial primary caregiver she has now in her psyche and who scapegoats her for the failure to become whole.

You're efforts are honourable, but she needs to make her own decisions without somone trying to guide, cajole and judge her.

She honestly deserves any punishment she gets.

Why do you keep forging ahead when you clearly have no respect for her, explicitly conveying how defective she is? What is the payoff? What does she represent to you?

[LonelyChild]

Hi LonelyChild,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate to your ordeal as my ex was in a similar state when we broke up, only 15 years older.

scolded her, whatever, for years, telling her she HAS to do something I told her she needs to stop her crap and listen

Borderlines are true survivors, they always get by somehow, even in the face of extreme chaos, chaos that most of us couldn't even handle. While you're concerns are valid it feels like that you're setting her up for the ultimate failure if she does not fit into your idea of reference of how she should live her life. These "tyrannical shoulds" that white knights bring forth fit neatly into their concept of persecution, bondage and slavery. While they need others to vocalize strong opinions about themselves, giving away power makes them feel like being kept hostage.

Scolding is what a parent would do to a child. This is no different from the initial primary caregiver she has now in her psyche and who scapegoats her for the failure to become whole.

You are absolutely right. The last year, there's been very little accusations from my part. Instead, I've been more calm and just stated that certain things are not ok. This obviously has no effect either. Although I understand where you're coming from, the SANE part of her agrees with me that prostitution and drugs are not a healthy way of living. But also, as you say below, she needs to make her own decisions. Which is where I've been at for the last 2-3 months, accepting that she needs to make her own decisions. This hasn't changed anything either, she keeps doing that kind of crap. So the only thing left for me to do is abandon ship. Which makes her want to die and triggers her fear of abandonment. But I don't care anymore. I've done my part.

You're efforts are honourable, but she needs to make her own decisions without somone trying to guide, cajole and judge her.

There is nothing honorable. I've given up. I've accepted that she will most likely never change and will continue to lead a life in utter chaos and pain for herself. I don't think that's what she really wants to do. But since she won't listen to reasons, that is what she will keep doing. So what do I do? I leave.

She honestly deserves any punishment she gets.

Why do you keep forging ahead when you clearly have no respect for her, explicitly conveying how defective she is? What is the payoff? What does she represent to you?

I do not forge ahead. I used to - not anymore. The payoff is dumping my guilt. Not on her, just getting rid of it. I feel horrible for abandoning someone so volatile and vulnerable. But I cannot bear more anger, attacks, lies, deceits, etc. I care deeply for her, but that has no impact whatsoever since I cannot help her and she only manages to make things worse all the time. The final draw is to disappear from her life. She either faces her troubles on her own and changes things (unlikely looking at her history) or attempts suicide (very likely).

[SouthernMama]

I want you to pause, and think very carefully about your words.

In July, I had reached my breaking point w/ my ex-BPD. I filed to terminate parental rights. He committed suicide 2 weeks today.

While I understand your frustration, I'm saddened at your assessment of her. I too, watched as my dear ex-BPD went downhill physically, but it never lessened my opinion of him. What made me most sad, was how isolated & mentally ill he had become. I want to caution you to speak so lightly of suicide. I have a burden of guilt that I will forever carry. I have many regrets that I let frustrations & anger override my compassion, patience & love.

If you leave, ease her gently away from you.

10% of BPDs will succeed in killing themselves.

[nowwhatz]

As someone who has heard many suicide threats I have to agree with Borisacusio.  This woman will survive.   I am sorry to hear how much anguish this is causing you. Bpd seems like a bottomless pit... .no rock bottom in one of those.

You are truly a compassionate and kind person do what you are doing. Please be careful and take care of yourself first.

[LonelyChild]

I want you to pause, and think very carefully about your words.

Thank you for your post. I'm sorry for what has happened to you. I am very afraid that she will actually do it. But I don't think it's a burden I should carry. I will ease her away, but I cannot bear more of this. She calls me many times every day, crying over how bad her life has become. Yet she did and does nothing to better it. I think she wants to but she doesn't know how. She cannot function among people at all anymore.

As someone who has heard many suicide threats I have to agree with Borisacusio.  This woman will survive.   I am sorry to hear how much anguish this is causing you. Bpd seems like a bottomless pit... .no rock bottom in one of those.

You are truly a compassionate and kind person do what you are doing. Please be careful and take care of yourself first.

Thanks. This is a very difficult decision but I feel it needs to be done. I cannot help her. Yet she has nothing when I disappear from her life as well. I try to tell her kind things, that she's actually a pretty sweet girl, that she has potential, is intelligent, but that she needs to heal on her own for a bit. I hope that she will take care of things and try to move in a better direction in life. I cannot stand this anymore. I feel that I will lose myself if I stay in this situation.

[BorisAcusio]

I want you to pause, and think very carefully about your words.

In July, I had reached my breaking point w/ my ex-BPD. I filed to terminate parental rights. He committed suicide 2 weeks today.

While I understand your frustration, I'm saddened at your assessment of her. I too, watched as my dear ex-BPD went downhill physically, but it never lessened my opinion of him. What made me most sad, was how isolated & mentally ill he had become. I want to caution you to speak so lightly of suicide. I have a burden of guilt that I will forever carry. I have many regrets that I let frustrations & anger override my compassion, patience & love.

If you leave, ease her gently away from you.

10% of BPDs will succeed in killing themselves.

I am sorry for your loss. The suicide of a loved one is devastating.

While it can occur at any age and gender, the typical suicide completer borderline is an older, nontreatment seeking male, young females at their prime are much less affected unless there are other risk factors present(substance abuse, isolation, self harm, previous gestures and attempts).

LNC!

At this point, the relationship clearly became toxic, each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually. While isolation is the single worst thing that can happen to her right now, it is also clear that you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker for your partner. Your primary responsibility is yourself and your own emotional survival.


If you choose to detach, do it in a gentle way and do not hesitate to call 911 if suicide threats occur. She may actually get help and not hiding the abuse anymore.

[LonelyChild]

I want you to pause, and think very carefully about your words.

In July, I had reached my breaking point w/ my ex-BPD. I filed to terminate parental rights. He committed suicide 2 weeks today.

While I understand your frustration, I'm saddened at your assessment of her. I too, watched as my dear ex-BPD went downhill physically, but it never lessened my opinion of him. What made me most sad, was how isolated & mentally ill he had become. I want to caution you to speak so lightly of suicide. I have a burden of guilt that I will forever carry. I have many regrets that I let frustrations & anger override my compassion, patience & love.

If you leave, ease her gently away from you.

10% of BPDs will succeed in killing themselves.

I am sorry for your loss. The suicide of a loved one is devastating.

While it can occur at any age and gender, the typical suicide completer borderline is an older, nontreatment seeking male, young females at their prime are much less affected unless there are other risk factors present(substance abuse, isolation, self harm, previous gestures and attempts).

LNC!

At this point, the relationship clearly became toxic, each successive break-up increases the dysfunction of relationship and the dysfunction of the partners individually. While isolation is the single worst thing that can happen to her right now, it is also clear that you are no longer in a position to be the caretaker for your partner. Your primary responsibility is yourself and your own emotional survival.


If you choose to detach, do it in a gentle way and do not hesitate to call 911 if suicide threats occur. She may actually get help and not hiding the abuse anymore.

Well. She IS isolated. She has no (literally zero) friends, no family around (only her mother keeps in contact, the others have abandoned her), no job, no income. She's currently in an assisted living apartment so she has some people around, but she has to move out 23:rd and go back to her apartment (which is in a very poor neighborhood with lots of crime, where she isolates herself even more). She has scars all over her body from self harm. She also has had years of substance abuse. So yeah... .

I wish things were different, but I can't really take it anymore. She basically cries for entire days at a time.

[castillo]

I want you to pause, and think very carefully about your words.

In July, I had reached my breaking point w/ my ex-BPD. I filed to terminate parental rights. He committed suicide 2 weeks today.

While I understand your frustration, I'm saddened at your assessment of her. I too, watched as my dear ex-BPD went downhill physically, but it never lessened my opinion of him. What made me most sad, was how isolated & mentally ill he had become. I want to caution you to speak so lightly of suicide. I have a burden of guilt that I will forever carry. I have many regrets that I let frustrations & anger override my compassion, patience & love.

If you leave, ease her gently away from you.

10% of BPDs will succeed in killing themselves.

I echo the words of SouthernMama. I too lost my ex uBPDgf in Janauary to possible suicide or drunken impulsive recklessness.

My last words to her were not nice and now I carry the guilt around of did what I say give her the impedus to commit suicide or get so drunk that it brought on the impulsive recklessness that killed her.

Your GF has so many similarities to mine. Her life was out of control in a downward spiral and I too could see that she was destined to die by her own hand in some way.

She would ask me for advice and I would give it to her. Only for her to ignore it and choose the most stupid action possible for the situation. She would later come and say "You were right".

I got fed up of hearing the phrase "You were right"

During times that I went NC I told her it was too painful for me to watch her slowly kill herself and that was the reason for me leaving.

I wish I had been gentler in leaving that relationship, but I can't change that now. You still can.

[LonelyChild]

I wish I had been gentler in leaving that relationship, but I can't change that now. You still can.

Thanks. I need to get out of this. But as you say, I need to do it in a compassionate, calm and gentle way. She doesn't deserve it to be honest, but for the best of both her AND me, that's the way to go. I haven't always been nice to her - I've been very mean and cruel at times when talking to her about things she's done. I stopped that a while back and came to the realization that I'm kicking someone who is basically passed out on the ground in terms of living situation. I don't want to do that to myself, and not to her either. I wish her all the best and I will keep telling her that it's ok that she calls me if she needs to and that I will support her emotionally and give her advice (which she always ignores) as best as I can. I will keep telling her that I hope for her best and that she can manage to sort her life out. I honestly hope - in all seriousness - that she can find someone who can be more of an equal to her and that they can be happy together. Our r/s is too infected with lies, deceits, frustration, etc. She can grow to be a decent person, but that work, she needs to do on her own.

[nowwhatz]

That is great advice if you try to detach to try to be gentle about it.  I was not and now that some time has passed I regret not being a better person.

I can relate to your feelings because I sometimes feel the same about my exgf... that she will commit suicide. Then the sadness and regret pours in which can be a trigger for me to break NC.  In reality like many have said pwBPD are the ultimate survivors.

I almost lost myself because of the r/s and am hanging on to keep what I have left of myself and eventually elevate to where I want to be. But from a "norm" perspective as troubled as I am I could not imagine being in my exgf's shoes right now... .I could not handle it... .no way... .but she can.   I used to joke with my exgf that she should have auditioned for reality tv like survivor or big brother etc because of her exceptional survival and manipulation skills. 

I hope things can get better for your ex and this stress can be removed from your life as soon as possible.

[LonelyChild]

I met up with her last night. Went to her assisted living place and took her out for a walk.

She was crying, telling me how she messed a certain thing up. I had already given her advice on this, but she decided to ignore it (for the 1000th time) and things got messed up as they always do. She cried and begged for help. I kind of shrugged it off and she started attacking me. I didn't express any emotion, just calmly told her that she shouldn't be attacking me since I haven't done anything wrong. She broke down and said she wanted to kill herself.

I know some of you have gone through this much longer than I have, but I've really accepted the fact that there's not going to be any change. She's going to need a decade of intense therapy to make progress - if any.

I fear that she will end up killing herself and I have dreams involving her committing suicide. I don't really know what to do. I don't want to hang out with her anymore because it only feels like a burden or chore. She gives me NOTHING back. Never have and never ever will. Not because she's a bad person, but because she doesn't know how and also because she's at war with her inner demons 24/7.

I'm thinking maybe the final move is to abandon her and leave her to herself and hope that will bring about some kind of change. What do you guys think? Me being there for her obviously doesn't change anything.

[Mutt]

Hi LonelyChild,

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like it was a difficult visit last night.

I'm thinking maybe the final move is to abandon her and leave her to herself and hope that will bring about some kind of change. What do you guys think? Me being there for her obviously doesn't change anything.

You say she may need a decade to change ( if any ) and if you abandon her now that that may be the catalyst for her to change. It may also re-enforce that loved ones abandon her like her brother, father, grandmother.

Have you radically accepted her for who she is or are you trying to make her change?

[LonelyChild]

Have you radically accepted her for who she is or are you trying to make her change?

I think I'm two thirds of the way to accepting that this is who she is, and whoever else she was in the beginning of our r/s was just an act.

* She NEEDS to change. Not for my sake, not for our sake, but to have a functioning life. This is something she needs to face on her own. I've tried to calmly state it to her in the following manner (although probably childish of me to do so): "Mark my words, you WILL need to change if you ever hope to have a fulfilling life, you will just keep grinding the same issues and conflicts over and over otherwise." I am no longer frustrated by her not changing. I just keep moving more and more away from her since she won't change. This upsets her to no end. From her point of view, I'm abandoning her and she doesn't understand why (emotionally). This saddes me deeply because I do not want to hurt her, I want her to be well. But since she is unable to work on problems, she's unable to change anything for the better. Every decision she makes is (in general terms) the worst decision she can make in that particular situation. Of course it is frustrating to see someone hurting themselves like this.

* I no longer think that she's going to change much. She's 23. She basically needs to go through some kind of ego death for change to be possible. She needs to eradicate her own person through therapy. I've talked to her about this (tried to do it on an appropriate level and absolutely not in a demeaning way): "You're going to need support for a long time and for real change to occur, you will first have to deal with much, much pain." I don't think she really understands as she relates to this from a 4 year old's perspective, more or less. This is depressing in some way, but I also accept that there is no way for me to convey it any clearer than that. I wish her all the best. I no longer have any anger (not consciously, I am sometimes angry at her in dreams) for her being unfaithful, using me, etc. She's not doing it to hurt me or to be sinister; she just can't do any better. I am no longer jealous of her affairs. I can let her have that - she has so little else in her life. If she finds comfort in them - go right ahead. I think she will end up disrespecting herself even more though, but I've done what I can to tell her that too: "You need to start caring for yourself, you're a sweet girl, don't do that to yourself." She usually starts crying when I say things like that, which, to me, is a sign that she connects with the reality of what she's done to herself (prostitution etc) in some way.

* I wish I didn't have to abandon her. But it's an egoistical feeling, because I kind of want to watch over her, which is not my job. But I would be sad if she would fall deeper. I would like for her to mature through therapy and become happy with someone who can respect her (I no longer can after everything she's done to me, us and herself). I feel that she doesn't give me anything and never really have. So I think maybe this is partly FOG, but not as strong anymore. I've grown very much through our r/s and I thank her for that. Unfortunately, she didn't grow with me. As seems to be the case with BPD - they are literally stuck. Their only way out is to destroy themselves and go through years of reparenting.

* I fear that me abandoning her could cause her to commit suicide. My intellectual point of view: it doesn't make much difference. Her life is absolute hell. See earlier posts for background. Her life is probably not much better than being a prisoner in some al-Qaida camp and enduring daily sessions of torture. No one should have to go through that. Death WOULD bring her peace. Her life is not worth living. But it would leave me with HUGE guilt if I abandoned her and she committed suicide a few weeks later. But then again, intellectually (and as many others tell me) I have done everything in my power to support her, and it hasn't changed anything. So I've done my part. I still think I would feel much guilt though. I HOPE that she can turn her life around. But it's unlikely given how isolated she is etc, etc. She's a very lovable and kind person when she feels safe (which is basically never these days). I have no hate left towards her. I sincerely wish her all the best.

So I'm not sure I've radically accepted everything yet, but life needs to move on. My emotions towards her are now more like a distant relationship to a helpless, messed up little sister. The only decision left is HOW I detach from her. This decision needs to be done with her best in mind. I will always manage, but she might not.

[rotiroti]

Have you radically accepted her for who she is or are you trying to make her change?

I think I'm two thirds of the way to accepting that this is who she is, and whoever else she was in the beginning of our r/s was just an act.

* She NEEDS to change. Not for my sake, not for our sake, but to have a functioning life. This is something she needs to face on her own. I've tried to calmly state it to her in the following manner (although probably childish of me to do so): "Mark my words, you WILL need to change if you ever hope to have a fulfilling life, you will just keep grinding the same issues and conflicts over and over otherwise." I am no longer frustrated by her not changing. I just keep moving more and more away from her since she won't change. This upsets her to no end. From her point of view, I'm abandoning her and she doesn't understand why (emotionally). This saddes me deeply because I do not want to hurt her, I want her to be well. But since she is unable to work on problems, she's unable to change anything for the better. Every decision she makes is (in general terms) the worst decision she can make in that particular situation. Of course it is frustrating to see someone hurting themselves like this.

* I no longer think that she's going to change much. She's 23. She basically needs to go through some kind of ego death for change to be possible. She needs to eradicate her own person through therapy. I've talked to her about this (tried to do it on an appropriate level and absolutely not in a demeaning way): "You're going to need support for a long time and for real change to occur, you will first have to deal with much, much pain." I don't think she really understands as she relates to this from a 4 year old's perspective, more or less. This is depressing in some way, but I also accept that there is no way for me to convey it any clearer than that. I wish her all the best. I no longer have any anger (not consciously, I am sometimes angry at her in dreams) for her being unfaithful, using me, etc. She's not doing it to hurt me or to be sinister; she just can't do any better. I am no longer jealous of her affairs. I can let her have that - she has so little else in her life. If she finds comfort in them - go right ahead. I think she will end up disrespecting herself even more though, but I've done what I can to tell her that too: "You need to start caring for yourself, you're a sweet girl, don't do that to yourself." She usually starts crying when I say things like that, which, to me, is a sign that she connects with the reality of what she's done to herself (prostitution etc) in some way.

* I wish I didn't have to abandon her. But it's an egoistical feeling, because I kind of want to watch over her, which is not my job. But I would be sad if she would fall deeper. I would like for her to mature through therapy and become happy with someone who can respect her (I no longer can after everything she's done to me, us and herself). I feel that she doesn't give me anything and never really have. So I think maybe this is partly FOG, but not as strong anymore. I've grown very much through our r/s and I thank her for that. Unfortunately, she didn't grow with me. As seems to be the case with BPD - they are literally stuck. Their only way out is to destroy themselves and go through years of reparenting.

* I fear that me abandoning her could cause her to commit suicide. My intellectual point of view: it doesn't make much difference. Her life is absolute hell. See earlier posts for background. Her life is probably not much better than being a prisoner in some al-Qaida camp and enduring daily sessions of torture. No one should have to go through that. Death WOULD bring her peace. Her life is not worth living. But it would leave me with HUGE guilt if I abandoned her and she committed suicide a few weeks later. But then again, intellectually (and as many others tell me) I have done everything in my power to support her, and it hasn't changed anything. So I've done my part. I still think I would feel much guilt though. I HOPE that she can turn her life around. But it's unlikely given how isolated she is etc, etc. She's a very lovable and kind person when she feels safe (which is basically never these days). I have no hate left towards her. I sincerely wish her all the best.

So I'm not sure I've radically accepted everything yet, but life needs to move on. My emotions towards her are now more like a distant relationship to a helpless, messed up little sister. The only decision left is HOW I detach from her. This decision needs to be done with her best in mind. I will always manage, but she might not.

These are all noble points, but seeing her as a little sister or whatever role still sounds like enmeshment to me. For example, yes she SHOULD change for her own sake, but it should not require any input from you (despite good intentions). As for self-harm, yes it's a possbility, but it is not your responsibility. especially if you are trying to detach.

You recognize that she has the right to live her own life, yet try to steer it in the right direction. I know it's tough to see anyone, let alone a loved one, make terrible decisions over and over again. It's hard to not care and to step out of that caretaker role.

You mentioned wanting to detach, what are some of your goals?

[Mutt]

Hi LonelyChild,

I don't think it's about ego's, I think when we care too much, I think that's called love.

She's 23 and a young woman. She may very well have many years ahead of her and opportunities for change.

Change comes from you, change doesn't come from someone else.

I understand how difficult that is when we know what the likely outcome will be with a pwBPD, I think it helps when we validate the valid and not the invalid and let the person make their own choices.

[LonelyChild]

You recognize that she has the right to live her own life, yet try to steer it in the right direction. I know it's tough to see anyone, let alone a loved one, make terrible decisions over and over again. It's hard to not care and to step out of that caretaker role.

You mentioned wanting to detach, what are some of your goals?

She's not living the life she wants. I sometimes try to coach her (through conversation, and only on her initiative nowadays) to move towards the goals that she claims she has. She makes decisions to move in the opposite direction from them.

My goals are moving on with my life, finding reciprocal love and stepping out of the FOG.

Hi LonelyChild,

I don't think it's about ego's, I think when we care too much, I think that's called love.

She's 23 and a young woman. She may very well have many years ahead of her and opportunities for change.

Change comes from you, change doesn't come from someone else.

I understand how difficult that is when we know what the likely outcome will be with a pwBPD, I think it helps when we validate the valid and not the invalid and let the person make their own choices.

It's hard, but not as hard as it used to be. I accept that she will never have anything to give back. I grow and mature faster than she does, so she will never get a fair chance to catch up. There will come a day when she accepts it too, unless she kills herself. She's absolutely entitled to prostitution, drugs, lies, whatever. I don't think that's what she really wants though.

[Mutt]

Hi LonelyChild,

It has to be very hard going through this and scary to see someone we care about self-sabotage. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I accept that she will never have anything to give back.

I agree, my ex partner is emotionally immature, she's the same person I met 10 years ago. She gave me many powerful lessons, and she continues to teach lessons about myself.

It's good to hear you know what you want