is this bad enough to tell the police?

[klacey3]

My ex has contacted my friend pretending to be worried about me as I havent responded to his recent emails. He then insulted me to her and said i was a headfu**.

I got angry and told him to stop messaging my friends and to stop messaging me and that we were not ever getting back together. He started telling me I was a lying slut etc and how I play games by telling him I loved him and then ignoring him and arguing with him for blanking me. (What actually happened was He kept asking me near his birthday a while ago how i felt etc so i said happy birthday and i love him but will never be with him again because its too painful and for him to stop messaging).

I told him today i dont want to go to the police and i know he doesnt want that either but i will not hesitate to if he continues. He told me he didnt care and to go ahead as it would prove to him and everyone else I am a liar and dont love him.

The conversation then went like this:

Him: " You wont talk to me because your ashamed of yourself and your right to be because its absolutely wrong"

Me : "the only thing im ashamed of is talking to someone who accuses me of lying about my family being ill and threatening to f*** me up mentally"

Him: "if you're not ashamed of yourself that just shows how much of a sick cu** you are. Dont even think we wont talk again because I will make sure we do"

Me: "You are abusive. You need help. Do not threaten me"

Him: "You're lucky I have fallen for your fuc**** psycho ways or i would have hurt you. I will see you"

I didnt respond to that message. 2 hours later he sent me:

Him: "not physically before you start going into lying drama queen mode as you slut yourself off to the latest co** you can get your mouth around"

Is this serious enough that I can go to the police about? I am a bit confused as he didnt actually say he would hurt me, he said if he didnt love me he would, and then said he didnt mean physically...

[Loosestrife]

Yes, I would class this as threatening behaviour and get it logged. I would block your ex now. How are you feeling? Have you got someone at home with you? 

[FannyB]

I would definitely get this logged. However my faith in the UK constabulary is not great so prepare to be underwhelmed by their response!   They may have a word with him and he will try and twist it as a 'domestic'. Whether this will embolden him or make him back off is anybody's guess - but he does seem to be obsessional about you.

[klacey3]

Thank you both for your replies.

I must still be in the fog because I didn't see it as being that bad after reflecting on it...     what was the threatening worrying part about his messages?

There are a few things holding me back anyway. 1 - he told my friend i have abused him for 12 months while he sat there quietly and took it. I am worried he would say this to the police and I will end up being investigated. There have been times where I have  told him he was a manipulative lying idiot etc when he has angered me so he could flip it all onto me and make false accusations which i may not be able to disprove.

2 - am worried police wont do anything and it will just get worse.

[jynx]

Is this all being done through email?  Do you have proof of you telling him not to contact you anymore?

I think you have enough right here to contact the police, but if you also have the above I think you could get a restraining order.  This is harassment. 

You really don't have to worry about the things that you said to him previously.

If these are emails or text, save them all.

[Suzn]

Hi klancy

Sorry you're going through this with your exbf.   Do you feel afraid for your life? If so, that's all that matters, contact authorities to protect yourself. If not, do not engage in these circular arguments . You may find some helpful advice here... .

COMMUNICATION: How to stop circular arguments

We've all been in them - those horrible arguments discussions. You know, the ones that make you want to

They go round and round and round.

Your SO doesn't even make sense half the time.

You're not even sure what you are arguing about  

They can go on for hours and hours.

No one ever wins them.

Both people get hurt by them.

You want to pull your hair out  

Why do they happen?

Cause our partners are mentally ill and have difficulty expressing themselves in clear enough fashion for us to understand.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and feelings = facts to them.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and they need to control what they can - us.

Cause our partners are mentally ill and can't stand to lose.

Cause we like to "be right" too.

Cause we can't let it go either.

Cause we need to prove our point.

Cause we are too afraid to walk away from the argument.

Cause we want to hurt them back.

Cause we feel trapped - either literally or emotionally.

Cause we hope that we can change their minds.

Cause we hope that we can get them to understand.

Cause we are co-dependent and need to "fix" them and their flawed way of thinking.

How do we stop them?

By taking control of the only thing you can - yourself.

That means that you recognize what is happening - a pointless argument that is going badly and that needs to end - then finding the courage/strength/attitude to  take action and take a TIME OUT .

~ You don't wait to win or lose. It's not a competition.

~ You don't worry about how they will respond. This is about protecting yourself - not them.

~ You don't hope that it will end soon. You are not a helpless victim.

~ You don't fear their anger. You have a right to protect yourself from harm.



Write this on something and read it 10 times a day till you firmly get it.

* Don't argue

* Don't defend

* Don't justify

* Don't explain

* Don't counter attack

* Take care of yourself and take a time out.


Do you feel strong enough to stop the argument?

What do you fear if you don't?

[klacey3]

I know I should ignore him but its so hard when his messages make me so angry. "Yeah you as ___ing usual u little cu*t didn't wanna type the add on I wrote In the next email saying "obv not physically"

Get other people involved. Coz then I can get my people involved"

I told him how wrong he was being and how hurt i was at his actions. His response was "day off getting laid?"

I am so angry at him for being so heartless but also at myself for responding. I am worried the police wont do anything  

[Tyrwhitt1]

Hi, I hear where you're coming from. I was in a situation where my now exBPDh was threatening but I also knew he could lie and twist things around. He would say it's your word against mine, and it was.

I went to the police (UK) and without making allegations or wanting him spoken to, said my peace and for three months put on a log where my mobile number was listed in such a way if I called 999, and hung up, the police would come on a blue light. It gave me some peace of mind.  If the police are faced with two sides of an accusation without evidence, they're in a tough place. They can however log that they give you advice, and if you need to go back to them, that's then on record.

[klacey3]

They logged it. Nothing more at this stage. Feel a bit like an idiot now...

[blissful_camper]

You did the right thing logging it. It adds to your paper trail in the event that he continues to harass you. Yes, he's being abusive.

I was once in a similar situation where an ex became obsessive. The police spoke with him but that actually escalated his behavior. The advice I was given was to not block his access to forms of communication such as phone/voicemail/text because that provided an outlet for him to vent. Take that away and sometimes the obsessed will force direct in-person contact. The goal is to avoid in-person contact.

I would suggest not responding to him anymore. Let him have an outlet, add to your paper trail, and approach law enforcement again when necessary.

Reason for edit: what I mean by outlet is let him leave voice messages, send emails, texts, etc, but at your end don't engage with him at all.  (NC)