Should your therapist tell you your ex has BPD?

[soar]

A few months after I was cut off from my BPD relationship I started seeing a therepist. I saw her fairly regularly for a year so she got to know me and my story pretty well.

Since then I have seen other therepists but not for an especially long time so I can forgive them for not identifing the BPD traits of my ex.

It's 3 years on now, I only discovered BPD (myself online) a couple of months ago. I felt very let down by my original therepist because she never mentioned it... .but it seems so obvious now.

I emailed her the other day asking if she ever considered my ex having BPD and if she did, why she didn't mention it. I never used the word 'diagnose'.

She said "A Psychologist or a Psychiatrist are the only professionals who are qualified, to provide an individual with an actual diagnosis of a "Borderline Personality Disorder".  So it really wasn't my place to "diagnose" her with that condition."

What are people's thoughts on this?

[OnceConfused]

I think your T answers that very appropriately.

1. She cannot diagnose PROFESSIONALLY someone without having talked with your x

2. To label someone as BPD without proper analysis , she could be sued later by your x for slander and defamation of characters. A doctor cannot tell you that your wife has cancer based only on what you tell him/her that she has frequent headache.

My T only told me in a very soft way : "google the term Borderline Personality disorder" and she left at that. My T had dealt with BPD in her very first case out of school so lucky for me, she was aware of the symptoms. Your T might not have dealt with BPD so she had to stick to the book.

The real question is has this T helped you in doing whatever you need to do ?

[balletomane]

I am a therapist myself, and I would never tell a client that I thought their partner might have a particular mental health condition. There are some good reasons for this. Firstly, a mental health professional can't diagnose someone they've never met. There has to be an in-depth face-to-face assessment. In the mental health team where I work a diagnosis of personality disorder would not be made on the basis of just one meeting - we assess the person over time, to get a better picture of their difficulties, and more than one professional is usually involved. While a partner or other relative's input is very valuable, it's not enough to make a diagnosis or even to start advising the partner about a suspected condition.

Secondly, most therapists aren't actually trained to diagnose - that is the role of the psychiatrist or the clinical psychologist, as your therapist says. It's considered a serious breach of ethics to give a diagnosis if you're not qualified to do it, as it could have harmful consequences for the person you're diagnosing and also for the people connected with them. Your therapist could have got into serious trouble if she had mentioned that she thought your partner had BPD and then you had complained about her for doing this. Usually the most a therapist can do is say, "It sounds as though your partner has significant problems and I think it might help for him/her to meet with a psychologist."

I can understand why you feel upset and hurt. I've been devastated by a relationship by a guy with BPD (at first I refused to believe my partner's diagnosis was correct, because I've only encountered BPD in acute inpatient settings, where it's very severe) and I know how important it is to feel affirmed, and how liberating it is to finally understand what was going on. Unfortunately the most your therapist could have done was to support you and affirm your experiences, not give specific info about your partner, no matter what she suspected.

[soar]

I think your T answers that very appropriately.

1. She cannot diagnose PROFESSIONALLY someone without having talked with your x

2. To label someone as BPD without proper analysis , she could be sued later by your x for slander and defamation of characters. A doctor cannot tell you that your wife has cancer based only on what you tell him/her that she has frequent headache.

My T only told me in a very soft way : "google the term Borderline Personality disorder" and she left at that. My T had dealt with BPD in her very first case out of school so lucky for me, she was aware of the symptoms. Your T might not have dealt with BPD so she had to stick to the book.

The real question is has this T helped you in doing whatever you need to do ?

I wasn't expecting her to diagnose her. Only what you said... gently suggest it if she felt it might be relivent. My T has BPD listed on her counselling page so she must think she knows somthing about it.

No I can't say she has.

[soar]

I am a therapist myself, and I would never tell a client that I thought their partner might have a particular mental health condition. There are some good reasons for this. Firstly, a mental health professional can't diagnose someone they've never met. There has to be an in-depth face-to-face assessment. In the mental health team where I work a diagnosis of personality disorder would not be made on the basis of just one meeting - we assess the person over time, to get a better picture of their difficulties, and more than one professional is usually involved. While a partner or other relative's input is very valuable, it's not enough to make a diagnosis or even to start advising the partner about a suspected condition.

Secondly, most therapists aren't actually trained to diagnose - that is the role of the psychiatrist or the clinical psychologist, as your therapist says. It's considered a serious breach of ethics to give a diagnosis if you're not qualified to do it, as it could have harmful consequences for the person you're diagnosing and also for the people connected with them. Your therapist could have got into serious trouble if she had mentioned that she thought your partner had BPD and then you had complained about her for doing this. Usually the most a therapist can do is say, "It sounds as though your partner has significant problems and I think it might help for him/her to meet with a psychologist."

I can understand why you feel upset and hurt. I've been devastated by a relationship by a guy with BPD (at first I refused to believe my partner's diagnosis was correct, because I've only encountered BPD in acute inpatient settings, where it's very severe) and I know how important it is to feel affirmed, and how liberating it is to finally understand what was going on. Unfortunately the most your therapist could have done was to support you and affirm your experiences, not give specific info about your partner, no matter what she suspected.

Thank you for your explanation. I can see where you're coming from.

[scgator]

I am a therapist myself, and I would never tell a client that I thought their partner might have a particular mental health condition. There are some good reasons for this. Firstly, a mental health professional can't diagnose someone they've never met. There has to be an in-depth face-to-face assessment. In the mental health team where I work a diagnosis of personality disorder would not be made on the basis of just one meeting - we assess the person over time, to get a better picture of their difficulties, and more than one professional is usually involved. While a partner or other relative's input is very valuable, it's not enough to make a diagnosis or even to start advising the partner about a suspected condition.

Secondly, most therapists aren't actually trained to diagnose - that is the role of the psychiatrist or the clinical psychologist, as your therapist says. It's considered a serious breach of ethics to give a diagnosis if you're not qualified to do it, as it could have harmful consequences for the person you're diagnosing and also for the people connected with them. Your therapist could have got into serious trouble if she had mentioned that she thought your partner had BPD and then you had complained about her for doing this. Usually the most a therapist can do is say, "It sounds as though your partner has significant problems and I think it might help for him/her to meet with a psychologist."

I can understand why you feel upset and hurt. I've been devastated by a relationship by a guy with BPD (at first I refused to believe my partner's diagnosis was correct, because I've only encountered BPD in acute inpatient settings, where it's very severe) and I know how important it is to feel affirmed, and how liberating it is to finally understand what was going on. Unfortunately the most your therapist could have done was to support you and affirm your experiences, not give specific info about your partner, no matter what she suspected.

This concerns me just a little. I have a what I feel is a really good T that I've seen in the past and have been seeing for the last 2 months. She knew my suspicions about my uBPDexgf. At the tail end of our relationship my ex asked to come to a therapy session. I allowed it and my T talked to both of us at the same time for about 10 or 15 minutes as she doesn't do couples' counseling. The following session I was talking about my ex and said that while I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose she definitely meets many of the criteria for BPD - my T kind of interrupted me and assured me my arm chair diagnosis was correct and my ex had BPD.

She's a good T, does EMDR and the things we work on seem to be working for me. Think I should I be concerned at all? And I mean for my own therapy, my ex is in denial. Whether she has BPD or not, it's the blatant lies, projection, button pushing and manipulation (not to mention threatening to kill me) all done to purposely hurt me (she admits this) that make me understand I will never be happy in any kind of relationship with her. Sure, maybe for a short while between bursts but never consistently. I'm focusing on me, healing and my therapy but now I feel like this could be a  .

Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!

[soar]

This concerns me just a little. I have a what I feel is a really good T that I've seen in the past and have been seeing for the last 2 months. She knew my suspicions about my uBPDexgf. At the tail end of our relationship my ex asked to come to a therapy session. I allowed it and my T talked to both of us at the same time for about 10 or 15 minutes as she doesn't do couples' counseling. The following session I was talking about my ex and said that while I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose she definitely meets many of the criteria for BPD - my T kind of interrupted me and assured me my arm chair diagnosis was correct and my ex had BPD.

She's a good T, does EMDR and the things we work on seem to be working for me. Think I should I be concerned at all? And I mean for my own therapy, my ex is in denial. Whether she has BPD or not, it's the blatant lies, projection, button pushing and manipulation (not to mention threatening to kill me) all done to purposely hurt me (she admits this) that make me understand I will never be happy in any kind of relationship with her. Sure, maybe for a short while between bursts but never consistently. I'm focusing on me, healing and my therapy but now I feel like this could be a  .

Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!

I think your question would be better answered by balletomane.

I do however want to ask you about EMDR... have you had it? Does it work?

[disorderedsociety]

Hmm that makes me wonder

Is an LPC-S, NCC, LCDC, Counselor qualified to diagnose BPD?

[Suspicious1]

I had a Clinical Psychologist who diagnosed PDs for the medical and social services, so was very experienced in them. Because I work in T myself I think she was a little more comfortable than she otherwise would have been in exploring the traits I saw in other people, but of course she would never diagnose someone she was working with directly.

First of all (and after I'd been going to her for a long time), I was telling her that I thought my mother fit a lot of criteria for the old diagnosis of Neurotic Disorder, and she said "I wouldn't think so but I would suspect a personality disorder". I asked her which one, and she said that she would strongly suspect NPD. She chatted about why she thought that (because she didn't seem to fit the criteria to me and we talked that over). Of course by then she knew I'd never pass this information on and was not taking it as a diagnosis, and she said she wouldn't normally have such a discussion but because of my background felt she could explore the subject on that occasion. I've thought about it often since then, and I can see where my mum does fit a lot of the criteria, and my P's opinion actually helped me a lot in rationalising my mother's behaviour. However if I hadn't worked in a similar sector I doubt we'd have had the discussion.

When it came to my ex, I said to my P that I suspected he had BPD. She asked me why, so I listed some of the things he'd done, and she said "well it certainly sounds as if he ticks a lot of the boxes, doesn't it" and went on to recommend some books she thought I should read to help me move on from the relationship.

That was all though. For me, it helped, but I do know that a lot of P's and T's are reluctant to give things a name in case people feel stigmatised or worried, or in case it prevents their recovery in some way. Me, I find it easier to deal with something when I know what I'm dealing with, but not all professionals agree that it works that way.

[soar]

That was all though. For me, it helped, but I do know that a lot of P's and T's are reluctant to give things a name in case people feel stigmatised or worried, or in case it prevents their recovery in some way. Me, I find it easier to deal with something when I know what I'm dealing with, but not all professionals agree that it works that way.

That's what upset me actually! I felt like my T might of suspected BPD but not said anything because she thought it might prevent my recovery. But I would definately say the earlier I could of found out about BPD, the better.

[scgator]

This concerns me just a little. I have a what I feel is a really good T that I've seen in the past and have been seeing for the last 2 months. She knew my suspicions about my uBPDexgf. At the tail end of our relationship my ex asked to come to a therapy session. I allowed it and my T talked to both of us at the same time for about 10 or 15 minutes as she doesn't do couples' counseling. The following session I was talking about my ex and said that while I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose she definitely meets many of the criteria for BPD - my T kind of interrupted me and assured me my arm chair diagnosis was correct and my ex had BPD.

She's a good T, does EMDR and the things we work on seem to be working for me. Think I should I be concerned at all? And I mean for my own therapy, my ex is in denial. Whether she has BPD or not, it's the blatant lies, projection, button pushing and manipulation (not to mention threatening to kill me) all done to purposely hurt me (she admits this) that make me understand I will never be happy in any kind of relationship with her. Sure, maybe for a short while between bursts but never consistently. I'm focusing on me, healing and my therapy but now I feel like this could be a  .

Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks!

I think your question would be better answered by balletomane.

I do however want to ask you about EMDR... have you had it? Does it work?

Thanks Soar. I have had EMDR and I'd have to say my results are mixed. It does help with traumatic experiences and makes them less emotionally charged or disturbing. It seems to help process memories and feelings. Now my T is using it during a type of guided meditation. It seems to be helping so I'm not complaining but there are times when I'm sitting there listening to tones and have buzzers buzzing in my hands and my T says "let your mind go and notice your thoughts and feelings" and my immediate one is why am I doing this? I know for stuff like PTSD (girlfriend before my pwBPD had it) it works tremendously. And as I said, it seems to help so I'm going with it. My T would rather do the EMDR which seems to allow me to discover my issues and then do some healing work vs her just sitting there listening to me talk.

[Targeted]

My ex convinced me that I was the problem and told me to get a counselor, after some time I started to realise that I was not the problem, I got stronger and more clear headed and she demanded I find someone new because he was not "  helping " our relationship.  While I was searching for answers and discovered this site as well as hours of reading I told my counselor what I found and described the relationship as well as what I knew about her past, her parents, her abuses and her current behavior and asked him basicly if I was " RIGHT " ?

He could only say that it sounds like she may have problems that you can't fix and it's not your job to fix them. He said what really matters is me!  He asked why I would allow myself to be and feel abused by someone regardless if they had a clinical disorder or not?  Is it ok and you will tolerate more if she got a diagnosis? Are you looking for a excuse to tolerate abuse?

He knows full well how much I care for her and loved her so he told me that whatever her problems may be it is ok to love her but even better for me to not allow myself to be abused by someone else's problems no matter what they would be, He would not even say the words borderline, histrionic, narcissistic or anything else! Just that she needs to figure out her own problems,  he just said the relationship does not sound healthy.