Can a spouse who is committed to therapy improve?

[Sidney01]

Hello,

My wife of 11 years was just diagnosed with BPD.  I see so may horror stories telling me to take the kids and run. I always new she had an "extra gear" that I called it that would allow her to be easily influenced by others, do immature things, and the final straw was finding out she had been having a sexual affair.

I am just trying to understand if there are any success stories out there? Apparently my wife is not a serial cheater, but has had sex with someone she "trusts" about 12 times in the last 3 years. At the same time she pulled me into marriage counseling to try and fix her perception of our marital problems as well as disclose the affair.

My understanding from the Neuro's is that she has the intimacy intelligence of a tween, and that while the initial couple of encounters with the OM may have been infatuation, they quickly turned into her "piece on the side" as she calls it. The Neuro's tell me BPD's hate themselves and will often do these types of relationship harming things to self medicate (sex, gambling, drugs, etc... .). She set up strange boundaries that I do not understand, such as they could only have sex in a hotel room, that they each had to pay half, that they could not go out to dinner, etc... .no romance, only sex. Texts I discovered supported this, and it was like a couple of teenagers with the dirty talk, which makes the tween thing make sense.

She has accepted the diagnosis and has started therapy, and while very scared she also wants to be happy and knows she has been miserable for a long time. The Neuro's say she can be helped and, though the therapy will be long and difficult, can prove quite effective. I always said if someone cheated on me I would be gone, however, while BPD is no excuse for cheating I am leaning towards at least trying to stay and see if she can be helped. Her childhood trauma stems from both verbal and physical abuse as a child from her mother as well as marrying a serial killer at 15 that abused her for 7 years before I met her. I am told that it is naive to think someone with this type of trauma can be loved enough to get over it - that would be like trying to "love" cancer out of someone - that it takes professional therapy to really improve. 

I always thought she was strong and that to have been through so much she had a great outlook on life, but apparently she just puts on a smiley face and represses everything - never disagreeing with me but pushing anything that angers her inside. Once the affair came out that triggered her abandonment issue and everything is now flooding out, and it's very overwhelming to experience.

Obviously a very confusing time - I'm very hurt over the affair but her own emotions overwhelm her so much that while she is honest it's hard for her to talk about the affair at any length without going into a panic attack or disassociation state. Again my understanding is that her own emotions that are now coming out to her are so "big" to her that her ability to emphasize is almost non-existent. I am told that her trauma was extremely dehumanizing and with DBT as well as some other types of therapy they can work to "re-humanize" her. Cheating is grounds for divorce under any circumstance, but I'm told her ability to compartmentalize made it more about her past than about me personally. The docs by no means are encouraging me to stay as my trust has been violated, but believe my presence and support would be very helpful.

Every situation is different, but are there any success stories out there? I really appreciate any feedback and thanks for the time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Inquisitive1]

Wow! That's a lot to take in.

Yes, there are success stories, but not miraculous, sudden turnarounds. Success happens incrementally, over time.

Also be aware that there are different levels and versions of BPD. Some BPD self-harm, others don't. Some high functioning BPD can high demand jobs, others are largely debilitated.

I always think of inability to control ones own emotions as the cardinal feature of BPD--emotional dis-regulation. Once they start to feel angry, a BPD has a difficult time becoming calm on their own.

I think you would be best served to read up on BPD and get a better understanding of it. Then you'll be in a better position to figure out what to do next. There's a bunch of good stuff to read on this site and some good books to be found. Definitely worth your time.

[HappyNihilist]

  Hello Sidney, and welcome! I'm glad you found BPD Family. There are a lot of people here who understand what it's like to be married to someone with BPD.

The diagnosis is still fresh, and it's understandably a bit of a shock. There are many couples who have successful relationships in spite of one spouse's personality disorder. Here you can learn effective tools for improving communication and handling situations within your marriage.

To answer your question - yes, someone who is committed to therapy can improve. For people with BPD (pwBPD), DBT and other types of therapy help them learn healthier coping skills and self-soothing techniques that can greatly improve their behavior.

It sounds like both of you are getting good information and she is receiving good treatment from professionals. You're trying to understand her disorder and how it affects her behavior and thoughts. These are very positive things.

I know that the infidelity hurts and brings a sense of betrayal. I think you have a good grasp on how it's not personal towards you - it's a manifestation of her disorder and trauma.

Your wife has indeed experienced some serious trauma and dehumanization. Married to a serial killer? I can't even imagine. She most likely has battled PTSD along with her BPD. These disorders truly do a number on a person's cognitive skills and often lead to self-destructive behavior. It's great that she recognizes that she can get better, and that she is willing to work to do so.

She has accepted the diagnosis and has started therapy, and while very scared she also wants to be happy and knows she has been miserable for a long time. The Neuro's say she can be helped and, though the therapy will be long and difficult, can prove quite effective.

I think it's a very good sign that your wife is accepting of her diagnosis and is willing to work on herself. It sounds like she's doing this for herself, too, so that she can feel better - and when someone is in therapy for themselves (rather than to try to appease someone else), then the commitment is usually stronger.

Obviously a very confusing time - I'm very hurt over the affair but her own emotions overwhelm her so much that while she is honest it's hard for her to talk about the affair at any length without going into a panic attack or disassociation state. Again my understanding is that her own emotions that are now coming out to her are so "big" to her that her ability to emphasize is almost non-existent.

Your understanding is sound. When someone (even without BPD) is overwhelmed so much by their own emotions, their capacity for empathy decreases dramatically. With BPD, it becomes a case of emotional life or death. It's very difficult, if not impossible, for them to empathize or even acknowledge others' feelings when they're so overwhelmed by their own.

What are your goals going forward? Are you still deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage?

Keep posting. It helps to talk.

[Sidney01]

Thank you for the reply - I am currently reading the "Walking on Eggshells" book and will certainly be researching more on this site than others. She is fairly high functioning - can hold a job for a long period of time (2 plus years) but eventually she will misinterpret something and get fired.  A Psychiatrist told her she must be on the lower end of the spectrum to have been able to hold together a family and some sort of employment for so long, however she does not handle the money in the family. She's worked for me and my business for 4 years. Always does a good job at data entry, order fulfillment, etc... ., but needs specific direction. Gets confused when I try to add context to a task (which makes sense now as direction is black and white and context adds grey which she doesn't understand), but a very hard and good, accurate worker.

Never self harming until I found out about the affair and tried to leave, triggering the abandonment issue and threatening suicide, etc... .Damaging cars, phones, from what I read the typical rage that many BPD's display however I have never seen this from here in almost 13 years together until now. As long as I don't threaten to leave she can control the rage, and I have agreed as a basic ground rule not to threaten abandonment as this will trigger her, but if I mention the affair too much and get angry she will self harm and call herself names, so I have to try and not do that.

My upbringing makes it very hard to stay after infidelity - always thought this was a deal breaker, however trying to find hope that she will not go down that path again. I know there are no guarantees. She had a job as a surgical tech but got hooked on Valium and lost it back in 2007.  She lied until the cops came and told me she had stolen a prescription pad, then fessed up to every detail. I should have known then that she needed therapy but she went to rehab and has stayed away from drugs ever since. I'm hoping the infidelity issue might be able to be tackled. I've asked if she wanted an open marriage and she is emphatic she does not, that she was lonely, unhappy in our marriage and her pulling us into therapy was her way to figure out if we could make it or not as she was turning 35 and wanted a happy marriage, not to continue to live the way she was. We had only been to 3 therapy sessions so she had not had a chance to disclose the affair, but her plan was to do so by the end of the year. I confirmed she talked about this plan with our neighbor who knew, so that gives me hope, but I never thought she would cheat ion the first place and I am so devastated that it's hard to even eat at this point (I found out July 3rd). I've been told not to make any major decisions while being this traumatized so I'm just trying to take it day by day.

After the drug issue in 2007 I became fairly resentful of her ruining her career and went into drill sergeant mode to keep her from doing anything else self destructive (I obviously failed). I was pretty mean and degrading some times, which I'm sure doesn't help someone who doesn't like themselves in the first place. Not blaming myself for the cheating, taking my responsibility for 50% of the relationship issues, but I certainly took the wrong approach. Berating her when she did something wrong feeds the self hate, and I guess complementing them when they self depreciate feeds the need for outside validation, so you have to change their entire way of thinking so they learn to self validate. For example, I was told to gently challenge the "I'm a bad person" comments with "why would you think that? Do other people make mistakes? Are they bad? If not, then why are there different rules for yourself instead of everyone else? Are you still doing that behavior?" etc... as opposed to "No you're a good person not a bad one".

[Sidney01]

Thank you for the reply Happy. I want to try to stay in the marriage. I feel that someone who has been abused and discarded as much as she has deserves sympathy, help, and a second chance. I'm also trying to make sure I do it for the right reasons and am not co-dependent or have too much of a white knight issue. I have always loved her for her many good traits - she can be very kind, affectionate, detail oriented and attentive to our children, and she is usually a joy to be around. I do believe in her own way she loves me, although both of us probably need help in therapy for it to become a more healthy love both ways. She's had discussions with our neighbors regarding whether or not she loved me for security or for who I am and decided that while she loved me for me she thought the marriage was not very well balanced and she pulled us into therapy to try and fix it. I think that says a lot for her, now understanding that she has BPD and was still able to accomplish that.

Her mother was a very abusive untreated bipolar and her father left. I know her biggest fear was to be diagnosed with a mental illness like her mother as she had such a horrible childhood, so this was very hard for her. The Neuro said that they believe that this is acquired, not hereditary or biological, so that increases the chance for successful therapy.

[babyducks]

Hi Sidney,

Welcome to the family.   

Just as no two people are the same, I do not believe any two people with BPD are the same.   While our stories share a lot of common ground we are all unique.   The decision to stay or go is a difficult one and I always say it should be based on our own personal values and experiences. 

I made the decision to stay.   My relationship broke down into violence and I ended up with a broken hand which required surgery, 4 screws and a titanium rod to repair. My partner disassociated very badly at that time, and we took a small break to let emotions cool.  Most people thought I was nuts to return.   

I am just trying to understand if there are any success stories out there?

Now a couple of years later I would consider us a success story.   My partner is diagnosed Bipolar 1 and BPD.  She takes her medication religiously, and has recently graduated after 9 years of therapy including 2 years of DBT.

I attended therapy for 2 years, and regularly, daily come here to work the lessons.

The r/s (relationship) we have today doesn't have any rages, is calm.   Very occasionally my partner will have a slight emotional dsyregulation but nothing like what we lived with before.  It's manageable now.   Since my partner is prone to mania, we have taken some precautions about practical things like finances, credit cards, and alcohol but that comes from the bipolar.   From the outside it probably doesn't look like a "normal" relationship and frankly I don't give two hoots.  It works for me and I am happy.  There is no one I would rather figure this out with.

The Neuro's say she can be helped and, though the therapy will be long and difficult, can prove quite effective.

The Neuro's are right.   The therapy was long and difficult.   Mine was no fun either.      If you decide to stay I would suggest you find a therapist just for yourself.

I am told that it is naive to think someone with this type of trauma can be loved enough to get over it - that would be like trying to "love" cancer out of someone - that it takes professional therapy to really improve. 

I agree.   I can be a support,  I can encourage,  I can offer a second opinion but at the end of the day my partners mental health decisions are hers alone.  Right now I have no idea what medications she is on, and I wouldn't ask.  That's her business to take care of.   

Every situation is different, but are there any success stories out there? I really appreciate any feedback and thanks for the time.

You are right, every situation is different.  I was fortunate that both of us we willing to do whatever it took to make this relationship work.   Both of us were willing to look beyond hurts and blame.  Both of us made changes.   

I took the liberty of making a cut and paste from the intro to this board.  It describes what we try to do here.

General Approach: The approach is four-fold: 1) to understand the fundamental struggles of a person with BPD and the challenges that this disorder brings to a relationship; 2) to understand our role in the relationship problems;  3) to learn tools and techniques to help in day to day interactions; and  4) to learn healthy and constructive ways to develop ourselves outside of the relationship.

A relationship with a borderline requires a great deal of strength - the healthy partner must assume the role of emotional caretaker or emotional leader in the relationship. This requires strength, understanding, knowledge and patience. Self-care provides us strength, understanding connects us, knowledge guides the our behavior through which we affect others and determines what is perceived. Patience and time are on our side.

Additional Guidelines for this Board: Please read the community guidelines (see link at the bottom of every thread). The following guidelines are also in effect for this board:

•Please do not urge participants to exit their relationship. Members post here to find solutions to difficult relationships. Please allow them the opportunity.

•Please do not use this board as a place to complain about your partner without seeking constructive relationship advice.  We are here to find solutions.  It is a given that  our partners are difficult.

•We are not victims and this board is not about right and wrong. Please do not  take sides in couples disputes or seek to have other members agree, support or defend your position in your relationship disputes.  This will only serve to polarize matters in your real life and make resolution further out of reach

coming here with those guidelines in mind has helped me improve my relationship.

whatever you decided to do, we will help support your decision.   best of luck

'ducks

[an0ught]

Hi Sidney01,

BPD is one of the mental conditions where targeted therapy can make a lasting difference and does so with a high likely hood. She certainly will benefit from your support but what is even more important for both of you is that you recover yourself and give support in a healthy manner (see LESSONS)



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