Feeling like I'm the crazy one?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have this fear that I'm the crazy one. That I have no memory of me being crazy and that it's why all my relationships have failed and been abusive. I either push them away before they can get too close, or I let them in and they destroy me to pieces.

It's like... .like the guy I was talking to after the pwBPD... .they ignore me and something doesn't feel right, and I'm telling them I don't like men who disregard women that way, letting them go.

Or, I'm with someone like the person I suspect was BPD. The first time he ignored me, after making me think we were fine and he really liked me, I text him one last time, giving him a chance because I'm pathetic and hoped he wasn't disappearing.

I have never had a mutual, loving relationship. I can't tell you what that feels like. It makes the world a dark place. It makes me an object to be used and used.

Sometimes, for all the failed romances and men that have left me/called me crazy because I was honest and let them go after I felt disrespected, it makes me feel like the crazy one. I fear one day finding out that there's something terribly wrong with me that I'm missing and the pwBPD ran because of that and I'm actually the bad guy, the butt of the joke.

But, what's wrong with laying your heart on the line and saying you know someone is pushing you away because they're scared? Nothing.

It's all so confusing. I feel defective and like I'm the monster. Why else would I be alone and not capable of finding good men?

[misssouthernbelle]

I have this fear that I'm the crazy one. That I have no memory of me being crazy and that it's why all my relationships have failed and been abusive. I either push them away before they can get too close, or I let them in and they destroy me to pieces.

It's like... .like the guy I was talking to after the pwBPD... .they ignore me and something doesn't feel right, and I'm telling them I don't like men who disregard women that way, letting them go.

Or, I'm with someone like the person I suspect was BPD. The first time he ignored me, after making me think we were fine and he really liked me, I text him one last time, giving him a chance because I'm pathetic and hoped he wasn't disappearing.

I have never had a mutual, loving relationship. I can't tell you what that feels like. It makes the world a dark place. It makes me an object to be used and used.

Sometimes, for all the failed romances and men that have left me/called me crazy because I was honest and let them go after I felt disrespected, it makes me feel like the crazy one. I fear one day finding out that there's something terribly wrong with me that I'm missing and the pwBPD ran because of that and I'm actually the bad guy, the butt of the joke.

But, what's wrong with laying your heart on the line and saying you know someone is pushing you away because they're scared? Nothing.

It's all so confusing. I feel defective and like I'm the monster. Why else would I be alone and not capable of finding good men?

[Turkish]

msb,

I may be somewhat like you in that I have no problem opening up early. Being honest, showing vulnerability. A lot of people, however, aren't like that. It's important to meet people at the level which they are at.

Someone here recently said something like, "you can fix your issues with one person with a completely different person."  That struck me, and I realized I may have been doing that with my Ex, and her towards me. Does that in any way feel familiar perhaps?

[Pretty Woman]

Miss. South,

   I was thinking about this myself over the weekend. A guy hit on me Saturday, "flirting" on FB. We messaged each other and I realized what bull shyt he was saying almost immediately. I think once you date someone who is BPD you tune in more to  . I am not looking to hook-up. Unfortunately I must give off that heir... .but that is not me... .damn artistic tattoos.

.

But you bring up a valid point. Are we over analysing? Are we push-pulling? I think we get used to that being the "norm" for so long... .but I don't think we are crazy.

I don't think you are crazy at all.  You are trying to look at this objectively and are concerned. You are looking to yourself, to heal. I think that is great.

As Turkish mentioned, showing vulnerability... .not my strong suit anymore. I am a lot more guarded and perhaps even cynical... .however I am also shy. If you ask my friends they will laugh at that... .I run a group with 500 members. Opening up is hard for me.

You don't want to fall for the same type of person. There is a fear there. Please keep in mind there are also just aholes out there... .persons that are not BPD, just jerks. My friend had the same thing happen this weekend... .guy dropped off the planet. Not her fault, nor is it yours. If someone is NOT interested they should have the decency just to say that, not walk away.

And we wonder why we have abandonment issues.

[Michelle27]

I absolutely had moments in which I wondered if it was me.  My first husband was controlling and abusive physically.  Then I marry my 2nd husband who (looking back) had 8 of the 9 traits of BPD while we were together and the 9th was something he claimed to have had happen years before I met him.  I got stuck in the FOG for so long that I honestly thought it was my job to fix his issues, at my expense.

I now know that my own underlying issues of low self esteem, inability to put myself first or have boundaries because that might upset my partner are most definitely my issues and things I need to work on.  But that's not being mentally ill or having a disorder.  I am working hard at those things and see major progress.  I do believe we as nons find ourselves in these relationships for a reason... .our issues bring us there, but those of us here, especially on this board are digging deep and learning how we got there so we never get there again.  Time and time again I read about our ex's who continue doing exactly the same things they did with us in a new relationship.  Part of our pain comes in realizing that we aren't as special as we thought we were.  In my case, getting flowers delivered the first week I met my ex was something I cherished, even when things were bad.  Now I know he sent flowers to my replacement the first weeks in so while it hurt a bit, it also confirmed that my interpretation of this act was part of the problem.  In a strange way, it also confirmed that I am NOT the biggest problem, he is.  He hasn't learned anything and is repeating patterns that worked.  I'm happy to see this and be able to move forward in my healing.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Yes it is true. When I first read about it (in another forum) I was skeptical then, but not now. He likened it to POW brainwashing techniques, perhaps not to that extreme but similar. They throw you off balance, disorientate you, confuse you, eventually you start to believe their bulls***. You would never have thought it possible. Another analogy is when they go on their rages, they are spinning chaos, you have to make sure you don't get on it. It will disorientate you and that's went they know you are vulnerable and they take control. Sorry it's complicated, I don't really know how to put it in words. Maybe others can do it better. BPDers in my opinion, have a talent for identifying the weakness in people and exploiting that to manipulate them. I have seen it, maybe not when it was happening to me, but when my stbxw was doing it to others, even strangers. If you notice, they do not behave the same way with everyone.

[Michelle27]

I swear now that for most of my life I had an invisible signal on my forehead that identified me as an easy target. LOL  They really do have the ability to hone in on our weaknesses and exploit them.  I think that's a coping strategy they develop and they do it well.  Hence, the ability to mirror exactly what we want from them in the early stages of a relationship.