Big blowup - I might be crazy

[CrazyChuck]

We went on vacation. I was already stressed because (I didn't help her enough through customs, I wrote the parking space number on the parking ticket when clearly I could have asked for a copy, On checking into the hotel I didn't say the right things, I talked too much during checking in to the hotel, and several other "issues" that lots of "I'm so sorry" fixed.). But the vacation was going fantastic, but it is the first day. There were so many "I love you" and lots of holding. I suggested we got to the room and clean up before dinner. We held hands to the room. Big kisses along the way. We have a short make out session, and I jump in the shower, I rush through it. When I get out, I say "your turn honey". She says nothing. So I say it again. She says nothing. I say it a third time. She says "LEAVE ME ALONE!". So I say "what happened? let's go to dinner.". She says "You go with your new friends you talked to in the pool this afternoon.". I ask what she is talking about and she refuses to say a word. After a few minutes of me begging to understand, she just says "LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to eat with you, I will go by myself.". I blow up calling her every name I can think of. The rest of the vacation was me apologizing. And her telling me I ruined another vacation, just like last time. I so wish I had not blown up. But I am so tired of saying "I'm sorry" five times a day. Do you ever get tired of apologizing over and over? 

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[CrazyChuck]

I know I should have validated her feelings. But I just snapped. I feel really ashamed of everything I said. I wonder if I am going crazy. Or maybe I also have BPD.

[Jessica84]

Don't worry, I've "ruined" many vacations. It's to the point where the mere mention of certain city names will trigger a reminder and he'll get a jab in about how I "ruined that place forever" for him.



So sorry about your trip. You are not going crazy!

As for the apologizing, one day I stopped doing that every time he got upset. I started to feel like I was apologizing for existing! Apologize only if you truly feel you were wrong. Try to stay calm and ride the moods. Stay centered. A lot of what they do and accuse of is completely irrational. Plant your feet firmly in reality and you'll see more clearly when you're actually wrong vs. when you're wrong in her eyes.

[LivingWBPDWife]

This is the story of my life, every day, she gets something, and she finds a way to make it bad. This is what BPDs do -- who knows what virtual slight you made to her, you simply can't understand. But, of course, you should have NOT blown up -- of course easier said than done, I am in the same boat, tired, exhausted, SICK of her, and now I swallow all that, take time off work, spend MORE money, take us on a vacation and you go from hot to not in 5 mins, and I have no idea why? And when I ask you won't tell me.

But, this is the BPD mind - she could have got mad for a million reasons that are internal, somehow she was invalidated, or as you know BPDs can't let the past go, they live in the past AND the possible future (bad versions), so who knows what you did, didn't do, might have done.

For all you know, she was mad about something you "might" do tomorrow -- this happens to me ALL THE TIME.

You know what you should do, go on a vacation with one good friend, for the weekend, no strippers, or cheating or clubbing, but just do something completely harmless and hang out and talk with your buddy.

Man -- this all just pisses me off. Its like 10000 copies of the same life we are all stuck in. Literally the same thing happened on our last vacation. I still have no idea what happened, and she won't tell me, because she has no idea.

But, the key is, you lost control -- you should have validated, and just went to dinner and not been mean about it, but just like:

"I see you don't feel good, I am sorry, I am going to get something to eat since I got dressed and I am pretty hungry, and when I get back we can do whatever you want" --

And just left.

[CrazyChuck]

Thanks for making me feel not so crazy

As for the apologizing, one day I stopped doing that every time he got upset. I started to feel like I was apologizing for existing!

She tells me all the time how to properly apologize because mine are not good enough. Once I refused to apologize and she said "that is not an apology". It is like the apology is 90% of her validation.

Several years ago she told me that when we first started going out, she could not trust that I was being "open and honest" about cheating. So she had sex with another man to protect her feelings. She said it was no big deal and not cheating because she had no feelings for him. It was just sex so she wouldn't get hurt. She said she never wanted to do it and if she trusted that I was being "open and honest", she would not have done it. She really got mad that I was hurt about it. So now she uses cheating to trigger me. Last vacation I was talking to a group of people. I was being the center of attention and "Mr Jokes Alot", as she said. I then saw her openly flirting with some man, holding hands with him. When I asked what she was doing, she said she was going to find a man that wanted to give her attention, and I was not going to like the attention she was going to get. I didn't know anything about BPD back then, and I exploded. So this vacation I made sure I was not the center of attention or "Mr Jokes Alot". I used to be very outgoing and probably a little narcissistic. She never told me what was really wrong. But I can only guess that might be it.

you should have validated, and just went to dinner and not been mean about it, but just like:

"I see you don't feel good, I am sorry, I am going to get something to eat since I got dressed and I am pretty hungry, and when I get back we can do whatever you want"

That would have been so much wiser. I really wish I had said that instead of what I said.

[JohnLove]

Hi CrazyChuck, I found your story from a few years ago particularly disturbing. This is typical severe BPD where the "oneupmanship" attitude prevails. She has probably been used in the past, or taken advantage of (even if only "perceived" by her), and now sabotages new relationships based on a desperate need to prevent those tragic feelings happening again. Just know it wasn't you, but you are the trigger for these very unpleasant feelings in her, and that's what she chose to do about them.

And don't be too hard on yourself. Hindsight is often 20/20.