Understanding Spouse

[Z-man]

my marriage of 4 years has been a roller coaster of intense conflict and happy moments. This cycle repeats on average once every 10 days. I was the sole earner of the family and money was never an issue. I also encouraged my spouse to study and helped with networking. The conflicts we had were based on ridiculous things that every normal couple would quarrel on. However, the conflict would very soon and each time swell into a war game. And I would be left baffled as to what just happened? I was not getting the attention, respect and gratitude for all that I was doing.

The latest conflict we had resulted in my spouse walking away with our first infant. That sent me into depression. I have since read several articles and seem to conclude this individual has BPD/NPD. When I mentioned to this person that it is my opinion you have some sort of personality disorder the person did not disagree nor agree. Given this person is a medical doctor and based on the response I received I took it as confirmation that this individual also feels there is something not right.

This person has also fought with elders within my family without any remorse. It's things like this that have led me to believe this person has NPD.


Question: how do I handle this situation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Z-Man,

I'm glad that you found this site and are looking for ways to handle the situation you are in.

How long ago did your wife leave with the baby?  Is this the first time she has ever left?

lbjnltx

[Z-man]

Hi Ibjnltx,

Yes first time with the baby. But she keeps saying she wants to get back and let's me meet the baby too. Hoe, she seems to place 90% of the blame on me. Before this she mentioned a couple of times during major conflicts that she will pack up and leave.

Z-man

[lbjnltx]

I'm glad that you are getting to see your baby! 

I'm going to move this topic over to the Staying Board.  The members there can help you learn the necessary skills to co parent and help you figure out what direction you want to go with the relationship with your wife.

lbjnltx

[an0ught]

Hello Z-man,

dealing with push-pull is hard and exhausting  . You are paying the price for problems that are not yours at all. Take good care of yourself - see this as a break you use to recover. I'm not saying all will be fine and she will return - nobody knows - but right now see this as recovery time you use to the best of your advantage. Chances are if you are doing better the relationship will do better... .

There is little advice possible in the sense of do this then that will happen. However the LESSONS provide you with a path to acquire skills that consistently applied tend to nudge situations into a healthier direction. BPD by definition is so volatile that any specific interaction often can go in any direction. That makes it so disorienting. With the right skills you can see the patterns behind the behavior, can react appropriately in a situation and that often makes all the difference.

,

a0