4 weeks NC and struggling more and more

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi

I am now 4 weeks NC and have somehow managed not to respond to a few 'reach out messages' from my ex. The thing is - things seem to be getting harder now she is no longer reaching out. I keep crying uncontrollably and the feelings to contact her are growing stronger each day. Im still hurting that she could just end the r/s via email and detach after everything we've been through. I miss her so much that I can't breathe sometimes. Every morning I wake up in pain and every night I comfort eat/drink. I'm getting into a rut and I'm starting to think that contacting her and going back is the only option that will make me feel good again.

Any advice from anyone who has reached this point would be much appreciated.

Thanks

Loose

[Loosestrife]

Hi

I am now 4 weeks NC and have somehow managed not to respond to a few 'reach out messages' from my ex. The thing is - things seem to be getting harder now she is no longer reaching out. I keep crying uncontrollably and the feelings to contact her are growing stronger each day. Im still hurting that she could just end the r/s via email and detach after everything we've been through. I miss her so much that I can't breathe sometimes. Every morning I wake up in pain and every night I comfort eat/drink. I'm getting into a rut and I'm starting to think that contacting her and going back is the only option that will make me feel good again.

Any advice from anyone who has reached this point would be much appreciated.

Thanks

Loose

[itgirl]

You are doing so well.  So much stronger than in the beginning. 

When last has she reached out?

If you were to contact her what would you say?

Sometimes its good to imagine what you want to achieve and maybe you will find your answer.

[fromheeltoheal]

I can relate Loose, it's very difficult when someone we were so close to leaves our lives, very painful, disorienting and it can feel like our life is shattered, true in a sense, that life is shattered, and the project now is to dig out of the rubble and rebuild, tough to imagine when all you can see is rubble.

I'm getting into a rut and I'm starting to think that contacting her and going back is the only option that will make me feel good again.

That might provide short term relief, but long term it would be worse than it was, like getting drunk, immediate relief from current pain but worse pain the next day and nothing got solved.  One thing that helps is to make a list of all the unacceptable stuff you tolerated in the relationship, disrespect, abuse, devaluation, whatever, and review that list, and add to it as you remember things; that will provide a focus shift, along with the knowledge that whatever you were subjected to, it will be worse if you were to reconnect with her.

It's getting harder because the 'reach out' messages were a way to keep the attachment alive, for her and for you, and now that they've stopped there's more distance between you.  Going from a sliver of hope that things could work out to no hope at all is a huge leap, painful, but one that needs to be taken to detach.  It doesn't take a lot of effort though, letting go of something is easy, you don't have to do much, just let go, it's fighting it that is hard, but we fight it because actually letting go is painful.  Best to focus on that letting go and feel all the emotions that come up around it, the only way out is through, and it WILL get better; the emotions you'll feel is what pain leaving feels like, and once it leaves you will feel light and free, promise.  Take care of you!

[disillusionedandsore]

I've been there Loosestrife... .It gets worse before it gets better,  truly letting go and grieving the loss of the relationship hurts a lot in the early months. I comfort ate too and cried bathtubs of tears... .It takes a while to recover and detach. You are worth the effort,  your future happiness depends on it.   

[enlighten me]

Hi Loose

I can relate totally. Having come through it I liken it to going cold turkey (from what Ive read). We need our fix. Its wearing off so we crave it. Its on our mind 24/7. The only thing that I have done like this is to give up smoking. That was way easier though. You know its bad for you. You know it didn't make you happy but you still miss it.

At the moment your going through a change. I read somewhere that the brain pattern of someone after a break up was almost identical to that of a person coming off heroin. If that is true then its just your body readjusting to not getting its fix so to speak.

It does get easier, Theres no magic milestone as everyone is different and recovers at a different rate. One day you will wake up and she wont be the first thing you think of. Eventually you even think about them unless you are reminded of them. The things that remind you of them will become less and less. Food, songs, places will have different memories associated to them and slowly they will become a distant memory.

[Loosestrife]

You are doing so well.  So much stronger than in the beginning. 

When last has she reached out?

If you were to contact her what would you say?

Sometimes its good to imagine what you want to achieve and maybe you will find your answer.

About a week ago, I think I would still be suceptible to a recycle

[Loosestrife]

Thanks all. I will keep taking one day at a time. 

[Ripped Heart]

Loosestrife, your reactions at this time are entirely normal and natural. In most relationships in general, we go through a phase of grief and it sounds like that's what you are doing right now.

The moment we choose to break that contact is like a death in that sense, we greive the loss of the relationship and the person we were emotionally invested in. Being in a relationship with a pwBPD, the finality can sometimes hit us very hard. After all, we invested so much of ourselves into that other person. So at the end we have so much of that emotional energy unspent and no outlet except inwards on ourselves.

I found in my case too that even though things were over, just getting that text message it didn't hurt as much because that person is still there and even if you don't move backwards, it cushions the blow. However, it can also prolong the agony. It's like a smoker deciding to quit but then opting to just smoke on a weekend or once a week. It's not over until its final and that's when it seems to hit the hardest.

On the other side though, what awaits after the grieving process is you have control of who you are, you have energy to use on yourself and be the person you want to be. Again, just like someone quitting smoking, you never hear about anyone believing quitting was a bad move, instead its all about that new energy, new lease of life and things they can now do within their life. To get there was a difficult journey but the rewards are worth every moment.

You are doing great there loosestrife and I wish you all the best as you continue on what is a tough road but it can and will get easier

[Loosestrife]

Thanks ripped heart 

[Mutt]

Hi Loosestrife,

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry if I don't know all of the details. How long were you together?

Im still hurting that she could just end the r/s via email and detach after everything we've been through.

Someone else said these break-ups can be shattering. I completely understand how that would hurt after the way she broke up with you by email and she's detached. Its rough.

Do you feel like you got closure?

[Loosestrife]

Hi Loosestrife,

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry if I don't know all of the details. How long were you together?

Im still hurting that she could just end the r/s via email and detach after everything we've been through.

Someone else said these break-ups can be shattering. I completely understand how that would hurt after the way she broke up with you by email and she's detached. Its rough.

Do you feel like you got closure?

We were together 2 years and there was no closure.

[Mutt]

Hi Loosestrife,

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry if I don't know all of the details. How long were you together?

Im still hurting that she could just end the r/s via email and detach after everything we've been through.

Someone else said these break-ups can be shattering. I completely understand how that would hurt after the way she broke up with you by email and she's detached. Its rough.

Do you feel like you got closure?

We were together 2 years and there was no closure.

I understand how your still hurting with how your ex didn't give thought and consideration with breaking up with you by e-mail. I'm sorry to hear that she didn't give you closure Loosestrife and how painful that experience is. We can give ourselves closure, and it can take time. I'll  give you advice my T gave to me when I was grieving, stay away from drugs and alcohol.

[Loosestrife]

Thank Mutt. I really want to make contact, it's all I think about during my waking hours. It's hard as the few attempts she did make yo contact me afterwards just said she missed me, they didn't actually say she wanted the r/s to work. I don't think I can take anymore rejection, the pain is killing me as it is.

[Mutt]

I understand how hard it is to resist Loosestrife. I found that when I had the urge to reach out I came here and shared. I found the urges passed and I felt grounded. It gets better.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks. They do indeed pass. I just gave to gave faith in the process

[Mutt]

Thanks. They do indeed pass. I just gave to gave faith in the process

You're not alone Loosestrife. I agree have faith in the process.

"Follow the stream, have faith in its course." ~ Sheng-yen