Cheating

[Depression = 72% of members]

Last week I found out that my SO cheated on me. Although we are now broken up, we weren't when this occurred a few months ago. The other woman contacted me. I have proof that it did happen, that they were in a relationship for about one month. It did not end well. I feel so so betrayed. I have never felt this way before. I am wondering how others deal with this. I am not interested in getting back together with her... .this is a complete dealbreaker for me.

[bluejeans]

Last week I found out that my SO cheated on me. Although we are now broken up, we weren't when this occurred a few months ago. The other woman contacted me. I have proof that it did happen, that they were in a relationship for about one month. It did not end well. I feel so so betrayed. I have never felt this way before. I am wondering how others deal with this. I am not interested in getting back together with her... .this is a complete dealbreaker for me.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry to hear this has happened. I don't have personal experience to share about this, although I have friends who have gone through this.

This is a tough thing to deal with, but in general, the situations I have seen tell me more about the cheater than the person that has been cheated on. The reasons for cheating are complex. Although it takes two for any relationship, what makes someone cheat is also about them. Where a person has a poor sense of self, low self esteem, cheating can produce a temporary sense of feeling attractive and desired.

Real relationships, long terms ones, are complicated and take effort on the part of both people. The initial part of a relationship can be euphoric, two people who don't know a lot about each other are in the process of that "high" of initial attraction. They are also on their best behavior. Someone who needs a mask can find it easier to be in that stage than the real thing where the mask comes off.

The low point you are in can be an opportunity for growth. I know this sounds strange from the outside, but our relationships tell us something about us. We tend to match up with people who match us emotionally in a way. You and your gf matched up emotionally in some way, but the relationship was also difficult for you. This low point is an opportunity for some personal growth- sometimes through counseling- so that in the future, you will be attracted to, and attract, someone who is emotionally as healthy as you are.

I have head it said that when we jump from one relationship to another, to escape a bad relationship- without taking that interval for growth, we are likely to end up in a relationship with similar issues. This is because part of those issues are us.  I have heard that is is good to resist the urge to find someone right a way to ease the pain, and that it is better to take the time to heal.

And for now, it hurts, that is OK to feel this and cry if you need to. I hope in time, that you will look at this time as having made a difference and hope that you find happiness. I think there is a section on this board on healing that may help you.

[Michelle27]

I am sorry.  I know how devastating this can feel.  I had suspicions for many years that my stbxh had cheated on me but no proof.  I came to terms with it and decided it didn't matter because at the time he claimed he was heading into therapy and wanted to fix things.  However, when I DID find out that one of the affairs (I am sure there were more) was a year long affair and she was an acquaintance of mine.  Even after finding that out, I tried to stick it out a little more as he seemed to have some feelings of remorse, but at some point, I realized I couldn't get past it or the abuse, or the stalking, or the other lies... .  Even though we've been officially done for months (and will never ever go back), sometimes that still hurts.

[babyducks]

hey bluejeans,

I am so sorry you are going through this on top of all that you have been through.    

just like you noticed before the lessons and links on the right side of the screen have valuable information in them.  please take a look.

the healing process and the detaching process is going to take some time.   there are stages of grief and questions to work through.

hang in there

'ducks

[Darsha500]

Blue jeans,

I too was cheated on. It really hurts and has been really difficult for me to not ruminate on the feeling of betrayal. Today, while at the gym, I was inturupted by intrusive thoughts about the cheating incident. I was in a state of shock and had to go to another room to try and pull myself together. As I was looking in a mirror, I asked myself, "when is this gonna end? How are you gonna get through this?" Then I remembered what someone said on this board in answer to the question "how to cope with the emotional fallout of a failed BPD relationship." The person said, "you deal with it as best you can."

So as I looked in the mirror, I reassured myself that I'm doing the best I can right now to get through this. It can be very difficult not to ruminate, and I think to a certain extent it does serve a purpose. Perhaps I will ruminate until I am just done ruminating; until I am simply bored with ruminating - no longer interested in rethinking and rehashing every little details. I go over the same thoughts over and over and over. I'm like "I've already thought through this before, why must be be compelled to do it again."

Meditation and awareness, I think, are key. It really helps to be able to notice when the painful thoughts crop up. It gives me the opportunity to disengage.

I also find myself cussing my ex out in my head quite often. When this happens I've been trying to remember to ask myself, "where does all thT rage and anger come from?" The answer: my hurt; my Brocken heart.

After this I make an effort to connect with this pain; to feel it fully. Then I wish myself loving kindness by reciting various lines. May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I be at peace, my I know the joy of love, etc. This does well to pacify me, more or less.

It has been suggested  that extending this same loving kindness to your ex may further promote detachment. Easier said than done.

[pallavirajsinghani]

I think that bereavement counseling/grief counseling can help tremendously.

Afterall, it is death of a dream.  Although no one is dead, the grief is as intense.  It is a shattering of,  "what could have been".  It is the dying of the hope.

Please do not go through this all alone... .harness all the positive factors in your life... .friends, family... .and professional counseling.  Surround yourself with a team... .the counselor is your quarterback, your favorite watch sports with buddy is your first defensive lineman, your mom/sister/friend is your nurturer--you get the analogy.

Even things like getting massages help (yes, I can see many of you smiling, but touch is very therapeutic... .it can have a tremendous healing effect).

[lovenature]

Hi blue jeans, my uBPDexgf lied to me about a relationship with another man, told me explicitly they were just friends, then when we became closer intimately she said she told me their was someone else in her life and she wasn't comfortable with what we were doing.    Then she said she told him it was over and they could only be friends, I had no idea about BPD and she played the victim and I the rescuer so I believed her. I was then constantly accused of being with other women; they can't accept fault, too much pain for them-has to be someone else's fault.

Remember BPD is a serious mental illness and they typically have the emotional maturity of a 3 year old, I know how much it hurts to have been honest and faithful, only to be accused of cheating by your SO who was the one who cheated. It is all about them and they are not capable of empathy and can't be reasoned with.

Hang in there. 

[Turkish]

Hi bluejeans,

I'm sorry she did that to you. Cheating is a huge betrayal.

It's good that for you this is a deal-breaker. That's you standing by one of your core vales.

Has she, r do you think she is going to reengage with you?

[bluejeans]

Thanks, all.  I am having a hard time completely disengaging. We still have things to work out like getting her things out of the house. We have a mediation coming up in two weeks. In the meantime she is suggesting that she wants to get back together, that we may have a future together. I am completely done, though, but haven't told her such. We haven't even talked about the cheating directly yet... .I am working with my T to figure out the best way to move forward. As awful as it has been for so long it is still hard.