Am I going Crazy

[frignat]

Okay so I am pretty new on this board and I posted an introduction somewhere earlier.  

So My wife of 9 years filed for divorce in February 2015 and went after me trying to destroy me.  We have had these crazy breakups where she just checks out and won't talk to me.  They keep getting worse and worse. In February it was the worst though because after a night of drinking she had me arrested after she was so mean and saying horrible things.  Anyway all those charges were dropped but it cost me to lose a well paying bank job.  

We then reconsiled in early June and that lasted 2 months.  She gave me the lovely cards again saying how much she loved me and made this beautiful book of pictures of her and the kids.  The first month was great no problems then the second month things fell apart.  We were drinking more and more and this resulted in fights.  We only made it to 2 therapy sessions but some of that was because the therapist was out of town for a while. She decided after one of the fights it was over.  Then 2 days later she was reconsidering then over again. Now I am not totally innocent because during this process my insecurities got to me and I sent some text that were not really that mean but they offended her terribly.  

She is now divorcing me and seems so totally okay with it all.  There is no closure at all.  It is so strange and maybe its me.  I just feel so terrible and so betrayed.  She will not even talk about reconsilliation or continuing any type of therapy.  

Its over and I know it but I can't let go.  I have been 2 therapy appointments a week.  I feel depressed beyond belief.  My kids are suffering.  She seems to have a turbo charge in her setting up her new life.  I was not perfect bit I tried so hard to make the marriage work.  She could not get close to me emotionally.  How can she be so okay with detaching like this.  Can any of you help me with what I am going through.  I am really confused.  Its not normal or maybe it is.

[scgator]

Sorry to hear that you and your  children are having to go through all of that. It can be totally confusing at times. My rs lasted nowhere near as long as yours, however mine and many others all sound the same, regardless of length. Reading many accounts has helped me know I am not alone in this and it does get better with time and distance - I can attest to this. It seems we as nons have issues to address ourselves and the breakdown of my rs was the catalyst for me to work on myself. I hope my ex eventually does the same but that is not up to me, never was. I wasn't perfect either but I tried. I tried everything I could think of to improve the situation but nothing worked. If I hadn't developed depression, anxiety, physical bodily reactions around her and overall fear of her I may have recycled many times but I physically couldn't. I'm thankful now that my body overrode my mind on this one.

Its not normal or maybe it is.

Unfortunately, it seems in these type of relationships it's normal. They move on in a whirlwind and leave us trying to figure out what happened and why. There is no closure unless you do it for yourself. My daughter was affected by it as well, as was my exgf's son. My ex-wife moved my daughter across the country to "help" and now I barely get to see her. My exgf's son went to see his father in another state and never returned - he said he was afraid of his mother. It's all very sad but all very much beyond our control. Hang in there, focus on you and your kids - if you're seeking advice, I would say work on you and why you got into and stayed in the rs, stick with the therapy, get some for your kids and keep coming here to vent, ask questions and listen to others' accounts. The people on here have been awesome in helping me get through what has become a life-changing event for me. Welcome to the family - you are definitely not alone.

[enlighten me]

Hi frignat

Its all very confusing. Why the push pull behaviour?

Its hard to understand why they want to make it work then they don't.

They are torn between the wanting what you had and not having to deal with whatever feelings the relationship brings up. A lot of the time its guilt. They can see what they put you through and it hurts them to know that they did this. The problem is feelings don't relate to product. If they feel guilt they may show it as anger. If they feel sad they may show it as fear. The way they express their feelings isn't necessarily what they are feeling.

You cannot change how someone feels and you cannot deal with those feelings if you don't know what they are.

It is easier to run away from something than face up to it. This could be what your wife is doing and why she is so adamant to divorce you. By facing up to it she has to take blame and look at her actions. This for a pwBPD can be the most painful thing they ever have to do.

[TheRealJongoBong]

Frignat you are not going crazy, you are just responding to a crazy situation. The only way that I can understand what my wife has done (incidents very similar to yours BTW) is that she literally isn't experiencing the same reality that I am.  Her method of thinking is to create a reality which justifies her feelings - I observe reality and then experience feelings reflecting it.

From your description your wife has formed a feeling that you are bad and has created a story to justify this feeling. At another time she recalls the original feelings she had for you and this makes her recall the stories justifying this feeling. Every time she experiences something new her feelings respond to it, and her reality snaps to the stories justifying those feelings. From your perspective it then seems like there's the "good wife" who loves you and the "bad wife" who hates you, and the two switch back and forth for no apparent reason that you can see.

It appears to me now that your wife has experienced enough bad feelings that the "bad wife" persona is dominant. Everything your wife now experiences is filtered through the "bad wife" which further reinforces the bad feelings, which further reinforces the "bad wife". At this point it's very typical that the "good wife" feelings are being completely smothered and now you are painted black.

It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest that after some period of separation your wife's bad feelings about you will start to fade and allow the good feelings to predominate, and then she will start to pull you back into the relationship. If the dynamic of your relationship stays as it was she will then experience triggers which will reactivate the bad feelings and, look out!, the cycle will repeat.