Ex-girlfriend diagnosed with BPD a week ago.

[SlowlySurely]

Hello, I'm new here. My ex-girlfriend (lesbian) broke up with me about a year and some change ago after our 3 year relationship. (She married a man 6 months after our breakup). I was the one that decided I didn't want any contact so we haven't spoken at all.  I was doing fine, going to therapy, etc but I felt like I was still holding on to our relationship, I just couldn't shake it.  Even trying to talk to other women was a task that mentally exhausted me. Then a mutual friend revealed to me last week that she was diagnosed with BPD and I was relieved and heart broken at the same time. Relieved because for this past year I had been going over the relationship a million times in my head, trying to figure out what went wrong and what happened during the relationship itself. I felt like I was going crazy. Heartbroken because after reading over the traits and articles, I have no doubt in my mind that she has BPD. I feel like such a fool loving someone who can't love me back. All this time I thought, maybe she misses me? Maybe I cross her mind? Guess not. I guess I'm just looking for support. I don't know what else to do, I've worn my friends out talking about her and they don't understand the impact. So I decided to come here.

[focus]

Welcome!

Breaking up with a person with BPD isn't your avarage breakup.

So no wonder they don't understand the impact.

Reading here has been giving me closure of sort. Seeing that I'm not alone helps.

I hope it does the same for you.

There are a lot of well informed, smart and goodhearted people on this board. We all are here to get support and support one another.

[SlowlySurely]

Welcome!

Breaking up with a person with BPD isn't your avarage breakup.

So no wonder they don't understand the impact.

Thank you for the warm welcome!

My friends/ family really don't understand the impact. The most common response I get from my friends is "Get over it!" or "You'll find someone perfect for you!"  I have been reading and just from what I've read I finally feel like someone understands me and the things I went through in that relationship! I'm a year and 3 months no contact but just a week into the diagnosis so I feel like I'm going through the motions all over again, just with help this time.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi SlowlySurely, 

Welcome aboard.

It is really tough exiting a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. It seems like your mind has a million questions that need to be answered. Although you may have an answer of what caused some of the erratic behavior, it still can feel like an enigma.

The impact can be devastating.    Many people who did not experience the intensity of a person with BPD (pwBPD) don't seem to understand. In a relationship with a pwBPD you hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

What types of things have you been struggling with or working through?

[js friend]

Hi slowlySurely,

I was married 12yr to udexh  and it has only been since finding this site that I have know doubt that he is more than likely BPD. It is really difficult for others to even imagine what it is like to be in these r/s if they havent been in one themselves.So yeah I also got the "just get over it" bit too. Your friends mean well but I think what we have suffered is a kind of PTSD. Finding out that your ex has just been diagnosed will bring up all these feelings as well as validation of what you went through.  I always tried to fix things in my marriage but there was always another ball up in the air and I  always got blamed for everything that was wrong, went wrong or had the potential to go wrong. When you live with that for even a short amount of time your emotions and confidence take a knock so there is no suprise that now you are more cautious about getting into a new r/s as we are always looking for   

After my divorce I did have some counselling which helped at the time, but it what really helped me to come to terms with it all has been reading the posts of others on this site who have had  similar experiences to myself .This site has even helped me with a potential recycle recently which I think I have handled really well. I was able to show no interest without being rude and It has worked. I havent heard from him for 1 month now so I think he has got the hint. Before knowing what I know now I may have been up for it thinking that it is better the devil you know than getting into something new with someone else.Now I can can definitely say that I have 0 desire to get back with him!

I have to say that knowledge is definitely a powerful tool!


Welocme to bpdfamily.com.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

[cyclistIII]

Welcome SlowlySurely! I think learning more about BPD will help give you some perspective on why she did the things she did, which hopefully will lead to a better sense of closure; it definitely seems to be helping me.

You are not a fool! You couldn't have known!

[SlowlySurely]

Hi SlowlySurely, 

Welcome aboard.

It is really tough exiting a relationship with someone who suffers from BPD. It seems like your mind has a million questions that need to be answered. Although you may have an answer of what caused some of the erratic behavior, it still can feel like an enigma.

The impact can be devastating.    Many people who did not experience the intensity of a person with BPD (pwBPD) don't seem to understand. In a relationship with a pwBPD you hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

What types of things have you been struggling with or working through?

Hello EaglesJuju   Thank you for your kind words! It's been a tough road and finding out that she has BPD definitely explains a lot but I'm still so confused. Did she love me? Did she ever love me? Does she miss me? Will she ever remember me?  I guess these were the things I thought she might be doing, going to therapy and just assuming that the relationship was emotionally abusive and that's why I was having such a hard time letting go but since learning of her diagnosis I'm not sure what to think anymore!

Those moments where everything was good and she was sweet and loving and caring and told me everything I thought I could ever want, was that all a lie? She would often "reason" with me by saying nothing is all black or white, and everything has good and bad. Seems reasonable right? But I'm pretty sure she split me black, granted we haven't talked in a year and 3 months I'm still wondering how this whole relationship happened, it seems so surreal now.

[cyclistIII]

I think she loved you; my understanding is that pwBPD feel things intensely in the moment and what they say is, in that moment, completely true. But they are impulsive and inconsistent, and true intimacy is too scary for them to deal with, so their feelings can radically change without warning.

Does she still think about you? I don't know, but whether she does or not probably has a lot more to do with how she processes her own fear of intimacy than it does with who you are as a person or how you treated her.

And of course, she was wonderful, or you wouldn't have loved her, but her disorder made her incapable of sustaining a long-term healthy connection with you. That's not your fault, and it's not really her fault either, but it is what it is and there was nothing you could have done to change or fix it.

That is my take anyway. Hope you are finding the site helpful!

[SlowlySurely]

Hi slowlySurely,

After my divorce I did have some counselling which helped at the time, but it what really helped me to come to terms with it all has been reading the posts of others on this site who have had  similar experiences to myself .This site has even helped me with a potential recycle recently which I think I have handled really well. I was able to show no interest without being rude and It has worked. I havent heard from him for 1 month now so I think he has got the hint. Before knowing what I know now I may have been up for it thinking that it is better the devil you know than getting into something new with someone else.Now I can can definitely say that I have 0 desire to get back with him!

I have to say that knowledge is definitely a powerful tool!


Welocme to bpdfamily.com.

I wish you all the best on your journey.

Hello! JS Friend   Thank you for your kind words as well! I already feel better just having people know how hard it is to "get over" this relationship and why it's not "simple" in the least. Even though I cut off contact with her and we haven't spoken I still feel like I'm reeling from this, possibly from a lack of understanding from my current world? I definitely understand the   ! I haven't been on a date and the thought of going on one sends me into a tizzy!

Working with my therapist from the emotionally abusive relationship angle- I've worked a lot on my self esteem, co-dependency, self-love, boundaries etc. and I was feeling good but still on shakey ground, but since learning about her BPD I feel like I don't know which way is up. I so desperately want a healthy relationship but after this I'm not sure it's worth it anymore.  :'(

[SlowlySurely]

I think she loved you; my understanding is that pwBPD feel things intensely in the moment and what they say is, in that moment, completely true. But they are impulsive and inconsistent, and true intimacy is too scary for them to deal with, so their feelings can radically change without warning.

Does she still think about you? I don't know, but whether she does or not probably has a lot more to do with how she processes her own fear of intimacy than it does with who you are as a person or how you treated her.

And of course, she was wonderful, or you wouldn't have loved her, but her disorder made her incapable of sustaining a long-term healthy connection with you. That's not your fault, and it's not really her fault either, but it is what it is and there was nothing you could have done to change or fix it.

That is my take anyway. Hope you are finding the site helpful!

You have no idea how much better your message just made me feel cyclistIII !

It's so hard, I've read alot of things online about how people with this disorder think in all black or all white. So I've been thinking about it in that way as well, like maybe she never cared?  She's married now and he has money and gives her whatever she wants. I can't help but feel like I can't compete with that and it makes me feel worse, like all the love I gave her wasn't good enough and was so easily discarded.

I feel so much pain, but thank you for your understanding!

[greenmonkey]

I am nearly a year out - I have been in strict no contact all this time.

I have read, re read everything I possibly could on here. The stories are so similar, the silent treatment, the rages, the lying, cheating, criticism and the list goes on.

My ex partner (lesbian too) probably has every trait you can imagine, We lived together for just a year, as she was destroying me emotionally and psychologically, she would have done financially given half the chance. I have a private blog that I have spewed my mashed up brain out on. It has been therapeutic beyond belief and saves my friends from listening to the same over and over again.

I am now so much better, I have just started dipping my toe in the water with regards to dating, but I am more aware of red flags than I ever have been - I am being cautious but having a flirt and a laugh and getting that side of me back that she took away.

Don't rush, you will get there, and just understand you could not have done anything different, the outcome would be the same under any scenario, the disorder comes into play before you even know about it.

Be positive think about you

[SlowlySurely]

I am nearly a year out - I have been in strict no contact all this time.

I have read, re read everything I possibly could on here. The stories are so similar, the silent treatment, the rages, the lying, cheating, criticism and the list goes on.

My ex partner (lesbian too) probably has every trait you can imagine, We lived together for just a year, as she was destroying me emotionally and psychologically, she would have done financially given half the chance. I have a private blog that I have spewed my mashed up brain out on. It has been therapeutic beyond belief and saves my friends from listening to the same over and over again.

I am now so much better, I have just started dipping my toe in the water with regards to dating, but I am more aware of red flags than I ever have been - I am being cautious but having a flirt and a laugh and getting that side of me back that she took away.

Don't rush, you will get there, and just understand you could not have done anything different, the outcome would be the same under any scenario, the disorder comes into play before you even know about it.

Be positive think about you

Greenmonkey Thank you so much!

I like you have been strictly no-contact for a year and 3 months

and... .

I thought I was almost ready to start dating again, but after hearing about her BPD I'm worried I'll pick a similar partner! I've just started hanging out with my friends again and being social, witty, funny, and loud like how I was before we got together (She also thought that my outgoing personality would attract more women to me) She was so jealous according to her I was cheating on her with everyone and anyone even though she's the one who ended up marrying a man, so I stopped going to social functions, stopped hanging with my friends etc. it was miserable for several reasons but the main one probably being that I'm an extrovert. I just loss so much of myself in that relationship that I'm slowly starting to reclaim and adding this new found information into the mix definitely validates my feelings but also feels like a setback.  

[JohnLove]

I think she loved you; my understanding is that pwBPD feel things intensely in the moment and what they say is, in that moment, completely true. But they are impulsive and inconsistent, and true intimacy is too scary for them to deal with, so their feelings can radically change without warning.

Does she still think about you? I don't know, but whether she does or not probably has a lot more to do with how she processes her own fear of intimacy than it does with who you are as a person or how you treated her.

And of course, she was wonderful, or you wouldn't have loved her, but her disorder made her incapable of sustaining a long-term healthy connection with you. That's not your fault, and it's not really her fault either, but it is what it is and there was nothing you could have done to change or fix it.

That is my take anyway. Hope you are finding the site helpful!

You have no idea how much better your message just made me feel cyclistIII !

It's so hard, I've read alot of things online about how people with this disorder think in all black or all white. So I've been thinking about it in that way as well, like maybe she never cared?  She's married now and he has money and gives her whatever she wants. I can't help but feel like I can't compete with that and it makes me feel worse, like all the love I gave her wasn't good enough and was so easily discarded.

I feel so much pain, but thank you for your understanding!

SlowlySurely, welcome to the family. I wanted to add that gender dysphoria is a BPD trait. When you don't know about BPD it is easy to invalidate the pwBPD. This man may be charming, he may have validated her, he may even be perfect, but your comment that he has $$$ may have been a major drawcard and "giving her what she wants" can soothe a pwBPD but in my experience it'll never be enough.

I recommend reading How a BPD relationship evolves on this site. It may help with the closure youre seeking. Rarely does one recieve this from their BPDex. He may not know it yet but if she is BPD then he is in for trouble with a capital T (no, I don't mean therapist ) and there must be a REASON she has been recently diagnosed. Marriage seems to bring out the worst in a pwBPD. It's never all unicorns and rainbows.  

Peace to you.

[JohnLove]

Greenmonkey Thank you so much!

I like you have been strictly no-contact for a year and 3 months

and... .

I thought I was almost ready to start dating again, but after hearing about her BPD I'm worried I'll pick a similar partner! I've just started hanging out with my friends again and being social, witty, funny, and loud like how I was before we got together (She also thought that my outgoing personality would attract more women to me) She was so jealous according to her I was cheating on her with everyone and anyone even though she's the one who ended up marrying a man, so I stopped going to social functions, stopped hanging with my friends etc. it was miserable for several reasons but the main one probably being that I'm an extrovert. I just loss so much of myself in that relationship that I'm slowly starting to reclaim and adding this new found information into the mix definitely validates my feelings but also feels like a setback.  

Personal growth isn't always easy but it's always worthwhile. Sorry to hear what you've endured but her gift to you is that I'm now betting you won't lose yourself so readily in a relationship ever again.

And sometimes progress is 2 steps forward and 1 step back. Process it all. Don't be afraid. You are on your path. 

[SlowlySurely]

SlowlySurely, welcome to the family. I wanted to add that gender dysphoria is a BPD trait. When you don't know about BPD it is easy to invalidate the pwBPD. This man may be charming, he may have validated her, he may even be perfect, but your comment that he has $$$ may have been a major drawcard and "giving her what she wants" can soothe a pwBPD but in my experience it'll never be enough.

I recommend reading How a BPD relationship evolves on this site. It may help with the closure youre seeking. Rarely does one recieve this from their BPDex. He may not know it yet but if she is BPD then he is in for trouble with a capital T (no, I don't mean therapist ) and there must be a REASON she has been recently diagnosed. Marriage seems to bring out the worst in a pwBPD. It's never all unicorns and rainbows.  

Peace to you.

Thank you JohnLove! It's so funny, I didn't even think about her diagnosis and how it came about until you said it. She just has this way about her that makes it seem that everything is fine and dandy and superb so I didn't even think for a second about what might have happened to make her come to terms with that diagnosis.

Peace to you as well!

[EaglesJuju]

Hello EaglesJuju   Thank you for your kind words! It's been a tough road and finding out that she has BPD definitely explains a lot but I'm still so confused. Did she love me? Did she ever love me? Does she miss me? Will she ever remember me?  I guess these were the things I thought she might be doing, going to therapy and just assuming that the relationship was emotionally abusive and that's why I was having such a hard time letting go but since learning of her diagnosis I'm not sure what to think anymore!

I do believe that pwBPD can love. It is understandable questioning whether or not she loved you, especially how these types of relationships end. Think about it this way, did you feel as if she loved you in the beginning of the relationship? Was the only time that you feel that she did not love you at the end of the relationship?

I too have wondered if my pwBPD has missed me. A lot of his behavior has implied that he could care less about me and wanted me out of his life for good. He said, "I have thought about you everyday and missed you since I have been gone."  His behavior was completely opposite of what he truly felt. Maladaptive behavior is essentially a means of survival for a BPD sufferer. 

Those moments where everything was good and she was sweet and loving and caring and told me everything I thought I could ever want, was that all a lie? She would often "reason" with me by saying nothing is all black or white, and everything has good and bad. Seems reasonable right? But I'm pretty sure she split me black, granted we haven't talked in a year and 3 months I'm still wondering how this whole relationship happened, it seems so surreal now.

I do not think it was a lie. PwBPD have a problem with object constancy. They cannot view a person as virtuous and having faults. It's is all or nothing with a pwBPD. PwBPD are dependent on their feelings at that particular moment to either perceive a person as all good or all bad.  Sometimes a pwBPD will split themselves black. 

[SlowlySurely]

I do believe that pwBPD can love. It is understandable questioning whether or not she loved you, especially how these types of relationships end. Think about it this way, did you feel as if she loved you in the beginning of the relationship? Was the only time that you feel that she did not love you at the end of the relationship?

I too have wondered if my pwBPD has missed me. A lot of his behavior has implied that he could care less about me and wanted me out of his life for good. He said, "I have thought about you everyday and missed you since I have been gone."  His behavior was completely opposite of what he truly felt. Maladaptive behavior is essentially a means of survival for a BPD sufferer. 

I do not think it was a lie. PwBPD have a problem with object constancy. They cannot view a person as virtuous and having faults. It's is all or nothing with a pwBPD. PwBPD are dependent on their feelings at that particular moment to either perceive a person as all good or all bad.  Sometimes a pwBPD will split themselves black. 

It's so strange to me, it's like part of it is them talking and saying things and the other part of it is the disorder talking.

I barely remember anything nice she said to me, after we broke up in November of 2013 we stayed in contact because I felt guilty cutting her off, she sent me a text saying how much she missed being in a relationship with me and how she apologized for not making me feel like I was the most important person to her(she flirted with other men and women alike, went on dates behind my back etc... ). I took it as a sign that maybe she realized that she did love me and that what we had was real but... .we all know how that turned out. DEAD END.

I don't understand the lucid moments. I think that's what throws me off the most, if they were consistently mean 24/7 I would understand it better I think, but it's the moments of kindness, the moments where the disorder is not speaking for them, where I see the person I fell in love with that makes it harder. Those are the moments I question. I do believe she loved me but I don't know.

I *want* to believe she misses me too. She missed her ex when we were together, she texted him shortly thereafter and throughout our relationship.  I cut off contact with her after she revealed to me she was going to get married (2 weeks after we had sex--I know, I know stupid decision) but that was the last straw. I blocked her number, social media etc... she reached out through a mutual friend asking if I was okay, but she never tried to contact me after that. It seemed that  she was interested in contacting everyone from her past (especially while we were together) except for me. She just let me go. Obviously for the better which I realize, but I still wonder, why didn't you reach out to me? Was I not worth a thought or a goodbye?

I'll probably never have the answers to those questions but I haven't quite stopped asking yet.

[thisagain]

Hey SlowlySurely,

I also have a lesbian BPD ex who has a past (and probably future) with men. Even though when her emotions are relatively under control, she is thrilled to be a lesbian and has no interest in men at all. In fact twice during our relationship she went through a phase of wanting an open relationship to sleep with men, which really hurt me especially since her emotional issues were keeping us from having sex anyways.

People with BPD have an unstable sense of self, which can affect their sexual orientation. I also think that the flip-flopping helps them keep an emotional distance. When she was with me, whenever she got afraid of being too close she would insist she was bisexual and bring up wanting sex with men. Just as a way of distancing and differentiating herself from me. It was something she could dangle over my head when she was painting me black and raging at me--she's not that into me, I don't meet her needs and there's no way I could, she'd actually rather be with someone totally different. And I'd imagine being with a man is easier for them in some ways, because they aren't that into him sexually and there may be different expectations from men as far as the level of emotional intimacy.

Some people here will tell you that none of it was real, and any connection you felt was just her mirroring you to try to draw you in, or you being drawn to the idealization. I think that could be true; I certainly watched my ex turn into 50 different people like a chameleon to please whoever she was talking to. But there were also moments that I remember as more balanced and genuine (your "lucid moments", and those are what hurt me the most to remember too. There were the times when she painted me black, the times when she painted me white, and then rarely times in the middle when I felt a real connection (as opposed to some frantic desperate idealization).



What does her BPD diagnosis change for you? You mentioned that you've been making progress in therapy by viewing the relationship as emotionally abusive... .does the BPD diagnosis change the fact that her behavior was emotionally abusive?

[SlowlySurely]

Hey SlowlySurely,

I also have a lesbian BPD ex who has a past (and probably future) with men. Even though when her emotions are relatively under control, she is thrilled to be a lesbian and has no interest in men at all. In fact twice during our relationship she went through a phase of wanting an open relationship to sleep with men, which really hurt me especially since her emotional issues were keeping us from having sex anyways.

People with BPD have an unstable sense of self, which can affect their sexual orientation. I also think that the flip-flopping helps them keep an emotional distance. When she was with me, whenever she got afraid of being too close she would insist she was bisexual and bring up wanting sex with men. Just as a way of distancing and differentiating herself from me. It was something she could dangle over my head when she was painting me black and raging at me--she's not that into me, I don't meet her needs and there's no way I could, she'd actually rather be with someone totally different. And I'd imagine being with a man is easier for them in some ways, because they aren't that into him sexually and there may be different expectations from men as far as the level of emotional intimacy.

Some people here will tell you that none of it was real, and any connection you felt was just her mirroring you to try to draw you in, or you being drawn to the idealization. I think that could be true; I certainly watched my ex turn into 50 different people like a chameleon to please whoever she was talking to. But there were also moments that I remember as more balanced and genuine (your "lucid moments", and those are what hurt me the most to remember too. There were the times when she painted me black, the times when she painted me white, and then rarely times in the middle when I felt a real connection (as opposed to some frantic desperate idealization).



What does her BPD diagnosis change for you? You mentioned that you've been making progress in therapy by viewing the relationship as emotionally abusive... .does the BPD diagnosis change the fact that her behavior was emotionally abusive?

WOW! I'm not quite sure we didn't date the same woman haha! You described my ex PERFECTLY, especially the flip flopping of sexual orientations when she was painting me black. 

I guess the diagnosis just changes the way I see the situation. I kind of thought of her as someone who was fully aware of what she was doing (meaning she could stop being so cruel and mean when she wanted to but never felt the urge to) as opposed to someone with a disorder who needs help. I feel the progress I made in therapy is still valid, I guess I'm just in shock?  Still your point about the relationship still being emotionally abusive is valid. I guess I'm more scared for myself. I was feeling ready to start dating as it'll be 2 years since the breakup in November and it's been 1 year 3 month no contact  but after hearing the diagnosis... .I'm not so sure anymore.

I do agree with you wholeheartedly about the "lucid moments" I like to think I formed a real bond with her emotionally when she *allowed* us to really connect and form a bond. Either way I'm still bruised

Are you dating other women? If so what's been your experience, if you don't mind my asking? I'm always afraid to date and explain the situation to another woman, not that finding a woman to date is easy (maybe I'm just making it hard?)

[thisagain]

It is much easier to think she's just kind of a horrible person at her core, I hear that. You probably see the illness as something separate from her, that could be removed from her to leave a real person underneath who loves and misses you. Like I said, there are differing opinions on whether there's a real person under there. I'm kind of agnostic about that, because everything they do and say is filtered through their disordered lens, so it's really hard to tell what if anything is genuine. Take a moment to think about the term PERSONALITY disorder. When her personality is disordered, what is the "real her" apart from the disorder?

My first post after the breakup was wondering if I should stay in touch with my ex just in case someday she gets better. Because on the off chance that she gets better, I couldn't stand the idea of missing out on a happy healthy relationship with her. But while we were together she broke all her promises about treatment, and is in huge denial about the diagnosis. So I think it would hurt me too much to stick around in the hope that someday maybe she'll see the need for treatment and stick with it. And if I do stick around, she's more likely to carry on with using me to project and blame, which is her coping mechanism to avoid facing up to her problems.

She is a person with a disorder who needs help, but you can't be the person to give her that help. She has to want to get better herself. And she seems to have found someone else to use instead, who enables her maladaptive coping mechanisms. Who knows what led to the diagnosis, but my guess is that she'll be denying it, quitting treatment, and if her new husband tries to have boundaries about how she treats him, she'll just go find someone else to continue playing out her drama.




What about her diagnosis makes you scared to date other people? Are you scared you'll keep attracting people like her? It sounds like you've done a ton of great work in therapy that makes it much less likely, but I totally understand the fear. The beginning of my relationship with my ex felt like it was the most safe and comfortable thing, and then the switch flipped and it was literally traumatizing me.

My breakup was actually a week ago, so no, I haven't been dating other women. But I think lesbians in general are used to all of us having the crazy ex. Personally I would rather date someone who was no-contact with an ex, rather than the usual situation of having the ex-girlfriend-slash-best-friend tagging along on dates and calling every night :P

Try not to talk about her for the first several dates, wait until the woman you're dating starts the conversation about relationship history, and maybe come up with a brief and not-too-detailed explanation of why it ended. If I were you, I think I'd use "she went back to men. I'm so excited to be dating a real lesbian now!" (Unless the woman you're dating is bi or super intense about fluid queer sexuality and all, then that could backfire.)

I do wonder how I would explain my nervousness and my need to be extra-heard and supported when I tell my new partner how I feel, ask her for what I want, etc. Because my ex shot me down so much when I had basic human feelings and desires, raged at me, and twisted it around to make it look like I was the abusive one. I think I would need a new partner to be extra kind, supportive, and validating. Maybe I shouldn't date until I don't have those side effects anymore, I don't know 

[SlowlySurely]

It is much easier to think she's just kind of a horrible person at her core, I hear that. You probably see the illness as something separate from her, that could be removed from her to leave a real person underneath who loves and misses you. Like I said, there are differing opinions on whether there's a real person under there. I'm kind of agnostic about that, because everything they do and say is filtered through their disordered lens, so it's really hard to tell what if anything is genuine. Take a moment to think about the term PERSONALITY disorder. When her personality is disordered, what is the "real her" apart from the disorder?

My first post after the breakup was wondering if I should stay in touch with my ex just in case someday she gets better. Because on the off chance that she gets better, I couldn't stand the idea of missing out on a happy healthy relationship with her. But while we were together she broke all her promises about treatment, and is in huge denial about the diagnosis. So I think it would hurt me too much to stick around in the hope that someday maybe she'll see the need for treatment and stick with it. And if I do stick around, she's more likely to carry on with using me to project and blame, which is her coping mechanism to avoid facing up to her problems.

She is a person with a disorder who needs help, but you can't be the person to give her that help. She has to want to get better herself. And she seems to have found someone else to use instead, who enables her maladaptive coping mechanisms. Who knows what led to the diagnosis, but my guess is that she'll be denying it, quitting treatment, and if her new husband tries to have boundaries about how she treats him, she'll just go find someone else to continue playing out her drama.




What about her diagnosis makes you scared to date other people? Are you scared you'll keep attracting people like her? It sounds like you've done a ton of great work in therapy that makes it much less likely, but I totally understand the fear. The beginning of my relationship with my ex felt like it was the most safe and comfortable thing, and then the switch flipped and it was literally traumatizing me.

My breakup was actually a week ago, so no, I haven't been dating other women. But I think lesbians in general are used to all of us having the crazy ex. Personally I would rather date someone who was no-contact with an ex, rather than the usual situation of having the ex-girlfriend-slash-best-friend tagging along on dates and calling every night :P

Try not to talk about her for the first several dates, wait until the woman you're dating starts the conversation about relationship history, and maybe come up with a brief and not-too-detailed explanation of why it ended. If I were you, I think I'd use "she went back to men. I'm so excited to be dating a real lesbian now!" (Unless the woman you're dating is bi or super intense about fluid queer sexuality and all, then that could backfire.)

I do wonder how I would explain my nervousness and my need to be extra-heard and supported when I tell my new partner how I feel, ask her for what I want, etc. Because my ex shot me down so much when I had basic human feelings and desires, raged at me, and twisted it around to make it look like I was the abusive one. I think I would need a new partner to be extra kind, supportive, and validating. Maybe I shouldn't date until I don't have those side effects anymore, I don't know 

Yes I think that's it! I'm really afraid to have my voice heard by other women and I need them to be kind and and supportive all that stuff. I am afraid I'll pick someone like her again although my reaction to any behavior that resembles her is VERY strong.


I think that's part of it too, I'm always thinking that she's happier with him than she was with me, deep down I know he's dealing with the same headache that I was, so I also feel bad for him as well. I'm sorry about your breakup. I know how difficult it is, if you want to talk I'm here. I'm not sure about your friend circle but most of my friends are straight so trying to explain a queer relationship was a lot and trying to explain a emotionally abusive queer relationship was too much, other than the friend that alerted me to her diagnosis, I haven't told any of my friends about her BPD, I don't think I intend to either.

As far as dating again, I think you should definitely take some time for yourself before you go back into the field but also just talking to people as friends can help you understand the type of behavior that will be a trigger for you. One of the greatest things I learned in therapy is vulnerability (still working on it) but I'm trying not to present myself as this person that doesn't need kindness and soft touch and affirmations. I'm learning to be less ashamed/embarrassed to need those things from another woman and voicing that. You have needs just like the next woman you interact with will, and I know you won't have problem meeting her needs (we tend to be generous people) but she shouldn't have a problem meeting yours either.  I'm also much less afraid to walk away from someone, after living through this, I'm not afraid to be alone anymore, still afraid to get hurt, but much more likely to walk away sooner.

"Everything you feared has already happened to you" -not sure who said this but I agree. You can do this!