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[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello. I have decided to join this forum, in the hopes that I may find some positive, useful ways to help myself cope with my mother's specific BPD traits. My father passed away 5 months ago. My parents were married for 61 years. Both artists in the classics, they were very busy with their creative abilities. I was lucky to grow up in a home where they were both available when I needed them. I have always although, had a difficult relationship with my mother. Controlling, forceful and demanding of behavior she deemed appropriate. My mother would use corporal punishment to drive the point home. I remember being locked in the bathroom,after having my face washed with cold water and the lights would be turned off, if I would cry and loose control of myself. I have had a very eventful life. I am married, have children and am a professional nurse. I have lost 2 children to cancer and have 4 surviving children. My mother relocated near me a few months ago and her needy, abusive traits are in full swing. She refuses to join a support group for widows, she refuses to see a psychiatrist, she is constantly saying "Why did i move her for" when I cannot meet her needs when she wants. I am tired of blaming myself, I am not a bad daughter.I have my own life too. I am hoping to learn some constructive methods to deal with the onslaught so I can enjoy my life and my family, as well as my mom. Thank you

[Alsherm]

Hello. I have decided to join this forum, in the hopes that I may find some positive, useful ways to help myself cope with my mother's specific BPD traits. My father passed away 5 months ago. My parents were married for 61 years. Both artists in the classics, they were very busy with their creative abilities. I was lucky to grow up in a home where they were both available when I needed them. I have always although, had a difficult relationship with my mother. Controlling, forceful and demanding of behavior she deemed appropriate. My mother would use corporal punishment to drive the point home. I remember being locked in the bathroom,after having my face washed with cold water and the lights would be turned off, if I would cry and loose control of myself. I have had a very eventful life. I am married, have children and am a professional nurse. I have lost 2 children to cancer and have 4 surviving children. My mother relocated near me a few months ago and her needy, abusive traits are in full swing. She refuses to join a support group for widows, she refuses to see a psychiatrist, she is constantly saying "Why did i move her for" when I cannot meet her needs when she wants. I am tired of blaming myself, I am not a bad daughter.I have my own life too. I am hoping to learn some constructive methods to deal with the onslaught so I can enjoy my life and my family, as well as my mom. Thank you

[hopeful12345]

I have post traumatic stress from my family so I am not sure I can help that much. I do know the longer I don't see or talk to them, the better I feel. You aren't obligated to take care of your mother. You have been through enough sorrow of your own. Maybe write down on paper some resources for her, such as a grief group, and hand it to her so she can't say she doesn't know where to go for help and needs you. Then if she tells you she doesn't know why she moved close to you again, you can just ignore it and tell her you gave her a good place to go to heal. Honestly, I don't know if I'd have had the nerve to do that myself, but I would want to.

I hope you get better suggestions than this one and hope things get better for you.

[Auslaunder]

Hi alsherm  ,

Welcome! I'm glad you've taken some positive from your childhood. Did you inherit your parents artistic abilities? The children of parents with BPD often have difficulty with self soothing which causes higher anxiety levels and depression. I've found creative outlets, like creative writing and photography, to be helpful for me to express the emotions I have difficulty expressing or would feel guilty expressing otherwise. When I was a child I would sing to myself when my BPD father was raging at someone other than me or after being punished by him. I find music and singing helps me to calm down the most of anything to this day and like to sing to my young neice. What your mother did to you locking you in the bathroom when you expressed normal emotions was very wrong. I'm sorry. Do you feel able to express your emotions as an adult or do you have difficulty controlling your emotions, a lot anger for example? That is normal for people that experienced that type of abuse. I found group therapy the most helpful for this because I could express myself in a safe environment but also had to challenge myself to do this in front of a social group. Taking care of yourself first will help you be more able to handle your mother.

You say that your mother has moved close to you recently. I'm sorry for the loss of your father and also your children. That seems so unfair.  :'( How was your relationship with your mother before she moved near to you? How were you handling her behavior? If you haven't read much about BPD, I suggest that as a first step to understand her behavior. You are not responsible for her behavior or "moods" even though BPD are very good at blaming us and making us feel like we are the source of their distress or would be able to prevent it somehow. That causes us guilt, that we are bad daughters, but it isnt true. They look for an outside source of their trouble which is actually an inner turmoil. Unfortunately that outside source is usually the ones closest to them. Learning to detach and having "cool empathy" will allow you take actions that protect yourself from the harm of further abuse and give her the support and help she needs. The support she needs isn't anything she asks for. The article at the top of the forum on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and how BPD use these to control behavior is a good resource and I like the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline