Hello new here and guilty/ revelation this year.

[J635]

I'm kind of busy right now but I just wanted to start a thread. I'll be posting my story shortly. I kind of feel guilty and afraid to suggest that my parent my have BPD. I feel like I'm betraying them even though I'm really not but I need someone to talk to and I can't talk to immediate family about this. Just in the last month or two I suddenly realized that what I always thought was normal just wasn't, and it's taken til my early 30s to realize this. It's like a freeing revelation but scary all at the same time.

[Panda39]

Hi J635,

I just wanted to say Welcome   

You've found a great place to talk about what is going on with your parent.  If you are like me when I first arrived you will be surprised by how much you have in common with others here.

I hope to hear more of your story when you have time.

Again Welcome,

Panda39

[Turkish]

Hello J635,

I'd like to join Panda39, in welcoming you here 

I was in my 40s, land here out of a BPD relationship, and t was months after I started wondering about my mom. Whatever brought you here, it helps to talk. What are your biggest struggles right now?

Turkish

[Kwamina]

Hi J635

I would like to join the panda and wolf in welcoming you to our animal fam... .uhh I mean bpdfamily!

I was 30 when I learned of BPD and it was a significant turning point for me. It was freeing yet also very surreal and I can very much relate to you finding it scary.

What are the things you now realize weren't 'normal'?

When you have more time I'm looking forward to reading more of your story here.

Take care

[J635]

Well basically this has been going on my entire life, and I kind of toyed with the idea that something was wrong a few times but dismissed the thought. This past August is when it really hit me. The behavior has been going on my entire life , but our family basically chalked it up to my mom being just a high strung person with a temper. In the past few years I had the opportunity to work as a mental health nurse and I think that's what helped me to figure this out. It's all of a sudden BPD popped into my mind and as I began to read more about it I'm convinced my mom may have it.

    What led me to question my whole life? There was this one week in which I just became drained, last August, from several arguments clustered together in a short period of time. It was so bad that week, It really made me see that there was real problem.

When my mother gets angry a lot of times starts with something small or insignificant that she perceives as significant. She'll get angry and start getting on my case as if I did something really wrong.

Most of the time I either try not to say much or I try to over explain a situation so that she won't be mad. It usually doesn't work. If I don't say anything she's mad because I don't say anything. If I do try to explain things to her it doesn't work because she doesn't really listen and just keeps taking and being aggravated. She'll make these statements about me that aren't true. When She's finally pushed me over the edge because of her unwarranted attacks and I do become angry, my mom accuses me of displaying the behavior that she is acting out. She tells me , " That I'm mad for no reason," that , "I just came at her" , that " I just keep talking and won't let her speak and that I always interrupt." Sometimes she will call me names.

She'll say things and then when you response is related to what she just said like two minutes ago , she'll say she didn't say that. I've known for years that she projecting her behaviors and attitudes on to me and other people she has been mad at, but I didn't know why. I just knew that it wasn't fair and it made me feel crazy to the point of questioning my own behavior.

[J635]

I never understood why my mom perceives peoples attitudes and intentions the wrong way and sometimes it feels like it's next to impossible to get her to see otherwise. There are some many things I need to sort out, but one huge issue for me right now is this internal struggle I have had for years with feeling like have to do whatever my mom says. It's like it's been ingrained in me from birth somehow that she is always right because she's the parent. In fact she has made statements like that at different times in my life where it was ," You're a child and I'm the parent." I struggled so bad with trying to become an adult and make my own decisions. I struggle with guilt a lot.

[Kwamina]

Hi J635,

Thanks for sharing more of your story

I've known for years that she projecting her behaviors and attitudes on to me and other people she has been mad at, but I didn't know why. I just knew that it wasn't fair and it made me feel crazy to the point of questioning my own behavior.

I never understood why my mom perceives peoples attitudes and intentions the wrong way and sometimes it feels like it's next to impossible to get her to see otherwise. There are some many things I need to sort out, but one huge issue for me right now is this internal struggle I have had for years with feeling like have to do whatever my mom says. It's like it's been ingrained in me from birth somehow that she is always right because she's the parent. In fact she has made statements like that at different times in my life where it was ," You're a child and I'm the parent." I struggled so bad with trying to become an adult and make my own decisions. I struggle with guilt a lot.

It does seem that your mom was doing a lot of projecting. I am sorry to hear you have gone through to these struggles and are currently still finding yourself struggling. I encourage you to take a look at some resources here that I think you might find insightful. We have an article here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) that I think might also apply to some of your experiences. Here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you perhaps feel like your mother uses things such as fear, obligation and guilt to intimidate and control you?

The article also lists steps you can take to help you get out of the 'FOG':

1. Don’t respond the moment a demand is made. Give yourself time to think and assess the matter.  We want to respond - not react.

2. Let go of your emotional ties to being controlled, at least briefly, and try to be an independent observer. Gather the information you need to construct a wise response - one that is neither enabling nor confrontational.

3. Respond in a constructive way. For instance non-defensive communication: Do not defend or explain your decision or yourself in response to pressure.

4. Be ready for some pushback or more aggressive responses. Often things will get worse before they then get better - our resolve will be tested - this is common in any type of relationship retraining.

5. Periodically evaluate the progress. Keeping a log of events, actions, and outcomes is helpful for this purpose. A lot can be learned from looking at the history - what works, what does not, and if progress is being made.

You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt (FOG): How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us