Did they retaliate against NC? If so, how?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it looks like I will finally be able to start the process toward no contact sometime next month, moving out of my parents' house.  Here's where I need your help.

If you went NC, did your FOO retaliate by trying to either lure you back in or otherwise "punish" you in some way?  What kind of measures did you have to take in response?  I'm hoping to get as many other people's experiences as I can in order to learn what kind of stuff to be prepared for.  Unfortunately I don't think my family is above resorting to stalking or things like that... .

Thanks in advance.

[exodus]

So it looks like I will finally be able to start the process toward no contact sometime next month, moving out of my parents' house.  Here's where I need your help.

If you went NC, did your FOO retaliate by trying to either lure you back in or otherwise "punish" you in some way?  What kind of measures did you have to take in response?  I'm hoping to get as many other people's experiences as I can in order to learn what kind of stuff to be prepared for.  Unfortunately I don't think my family is above resorting to stalking or things like that... .

Thanks in advance.

[Area57]

Mine called me repeatedly and when I wouldn't answer, called everyone I new that she had access to their numbers and made up lies about to me to try to get me to have no friends or support group.

Then she sued me in small claims court for money she gave e to go to college with.

After about two moths she tapered off.  Then years later I got sucked back in somehow dangit.

[Auslaunder]

My mother's been NC for a long time, about 12 years. My dad passive aggressively would not honor the divorce agreement, always making payments late and threatening not to pay unless xyz happened, but he never followed through. My eldest brother was seriously disabled so he would claim a need for contact with her. All contact regarding medical decisions went through my middle brother or myself or his doctors. She kept a couple junk emails for him and all his emails go there. Its a good outlet for him and i suggest the strategy. My brother keeps an extra phone for his calls. He still emails frequently and sends her gifts. I started giving the gifts to his girlfriend and that slowed it down. He stalks a little bit. He's shown up uninvited to see her. She has an alarm system at her house.

[HappyChappy]

If you went NC, did your FOO retaliate by trying to either lure you back in or otherwise "punish" you in some way?

The best advice I can give you is at the begging of NC, is you will probably feel very vulnerable loads of F.O.G. but hold on tight. NC gave me time to heal and then the fear/vulnerablity fades to grey over time. I went NC due to illness (my PTSD) so it was sudden and my BPD really did up the ante. It also gave an excuses she couldn’t really attack. When I have PTSD I can’t be in the same room as her.

That said she was hurling accusations, projecting the blame, maily based on her rights to access her grandchildren and rights as a mother. She made lots of hints of lawyers, and changing wills and stopped sending us Brithday cards. A big old 8 year old strop on that’s lasted a couple of years.  Maybe it’s a world record strop ? But show no responce and it should slow down. The members of my FOO not living with my BPD totally understood and where supportive. But they did pretend they also had no contact with me as a BPD’s back and white thinking assumes you chose a side.

There’s a term called charming – where a BPD will trie and real you back in. Plenty of that. My BPD started using Facebook – so I de-friended her. She went out of her way to find other forms to contact, so called me at work (got those calls blocked) we’re ex-director and she’s never visited our current home. My BPD doesn’t like e-mails as they leave an evidence trail, so all communication was encouraged that way. She kept them short, and full of accusations. Oh and she'll send her flying monkeys after you. Anyone she knows you're in contact with will be worked over big time. The only chinck in our armor was when she did the old "I'm in A&E, you're dad will die". Got that message from other relatives also. No one died, infact no one went to A&E.

Main thing is, if you feel you need to, you probably do. Because the forces of F.O.G. that prevent NC are mighty and if you’ve overcome these that speaks volumes. Welcome to the club. Best of luck.

[oceaneyes]

I've been NC ~6 months now from my uBPD mother. She had an outburst where she physically assaulted me and then raged at me on the phone later on. I normally don't respond to her when she's raging, so I just quit responding indefinitely.

When I first decided to go NC, I blocked her number on my phone and blocked her on all social media outlets. It was nice and quiet till about 2 weeks ago. She sent me a text that went to my computer (if you use apple products you'll need to block contacts on your phone, ipad, and macbook separately!) and basically was trying to guilt trip me into talking to her again. I'm not interested in having any sort of relationship with her. So I blocked her and didn't respond. A few days later she tried to call me from her work phone—blocked that one too. Then she started following some other social media accounts I'm associated with. It got to the point that it felt like stalking. I just continued to ignore her and I haven't really heard anything else since.

When I first went NC, I was worried that she'd get desperate and show up at my house one day, but I think she enjoys feeling like a victim. In her eyes, I've abandoned her. I'm sure she's playing it up to whoever will listen for sympathy, and she thinks that eventually I'll forget and start talking to her again. She's far too waify to actually act on her emotions. I predict that she will periodically try calling me from a random number or possibly mail me letters. She's spent years telling me that I will eventually quit talking to her and that she's afraid I won't talk to her, so I think she knew this was coming.

I would suggest blocking as much as possible, and when the F.O.G. creeps in just remember all the hurt they've caused you and then think to how much better you feel now without them in your life. Having any kind of relationship with my mom is not worth the trade for my own happiness. You have to do what's healthy for you. Good luck!

[HappyChappy]

When I first went NC, I was worried that she'd get desperate and show up at my house one day, but I think she enjoys feeling like a victim. In her eyes, I've abandoned her.

I thought my BPD would come around banging on doors and trying to embarrass me (an old trick of hers) but like yours she never did. But on reflection her need to stop and do the silent treatment probably prevents that. And when we were in contact, she would constantly demand more and not enough contact from us kids, yet she rarely took the imitative. But BPD want the world to evolve around them. Does sound by other's accounts on here that NC was never as bad as we first expected. How are you feeling about it all exodus ?

[Leaving]

My mother is NBPD and typical for narcissists, completely discards anyone she has conflict with ( including her children).  I was never the one to initiate NC- she always was.   I think it's only normal for people to have disagreements and then want to resolve them but that has never been the case in my family.  A disagreement with my mother always resulted in her withdrawing, sulking, ignoring and or discarding.  She has never once admitted any fault, tried to understand someone's feelings and never tried to make amends.  She discards people and replaces them very quickly and never looks back.

[13YearGoodbye]

... .Duplicate, sorry... .

[13YearGoodbye]

I changed my phone number, so I haven't got any calls or texts from her. However, she's been calling/texting my friends and family, asking them to get messages to me. Inquiring about my well being, etc. (Or as I think of it: Telling outrageous lies).

I love the spam filters on my email program... .I added her email address to them. Some email  still got through, but some may not have.

I expect that eventually she'll tell her kids to contact me to try to shame me... .I haven't given her family or friends my phone number. I don't have a plan in place for dealing with that yet. I'm postponing a decision until it happens. I would like continuing contact with the kids, but it would require some sort of acknowledgement from them that she is an alcoholic and/or has BPD.

She may show up on my doorstep. I intend to run away.

[WindyDay]

My sister and I had been NC for 7 years because she had an outburst that she could not face so waited I guess till she thought I would forget. I then let her back into my life 4 years ago at the urging of my parents saying she has changed... all the typical things... big mistake of course. 2 months ago another outburst then she ignored me once again, which I am ok with and welcomed. I decided this was a great opportunity for NC again and blocked her from social media. She has since decided it was a good idea to start texting my 14 year old son, gave him a large Gift card for his birthday that was over a month ago and has her daughter texting him constantly... which she has not done before. I am sure this is her way of trying to Charm but I am really trying not to react even though my son thinks its creepy. Our numbers are changing this week so hopefully it will stop without me having to intervene.

[exodus]

Then she sued me in small claims court for money she gave e to go to college with.

How far did she actually manage to take this?  Did the judge just basically laugh in her face or what?

[exodus]

She kept a couple junk emails for him and all his emails go there. Its a good outlet for him and i suggest the strategy.

Yeah this was already a given.  They only know just one of my many emails.

[exodus]

If you went NC, did your FOO retaliate by trying to either lure you back in or otherwise "punish" you in some way?

The best advice I can give you is at the begging of NC, is you will probably feel very vulnerable loads of F.O.G. but hold on tight. NC gave me time to heal and then the fear/vulnerablity fades to grey over time. I went NC due to illness (my PTSD) so it was sudden and my BPD really did up the ante. It also gave an excuses she couldn’t really attack. When I have PTSD I can’t be in the same room as her.

That said she was hurling accusations, projecting the blame, maily based on her rights to access her grandchildren and rights as a mother. She made lots of hints of lawyers, and changing wills and stopped sending us Brithday cards. A big old 8 year old strop on that’s lasted a couple of years.  Maybe it’s a world record strop ? But show no responce and it should slow down. The members of my FOO not living with my BPD totally understood and where supportive. But they did pretend they also had no contact with me as a BPD’s back and white thinking assumes you chose a side.

There’s a term called charming – where a BPD will trie and real you back in. Plenty of that. My BPD started using Facebook – so I de-friended her. She went out of her way to find other forms to contact, so called me at work (got those calls blocked) we’re ex-director and she’s never visited our current home. My BPD doesn’t like e-mails as they leave an evidence trail, so all communication was encouraged that way. She kept them short, and full of accusations. Oh and she'll send her flying monkeys after you. Anyone she knows you're in contact with will be worked over big time. The only chinck in our armor was when she did the old "I'm in A&E, you're dad will die". Got that message from other relatives also. No one died, infact no one went to A&E.

Main thing is, if you feel you need to, you probably do. Because the forces of F.O.G. that prevent NC are mighty and if you’ve overcome these that speaks volumes. Welcome to the club. Best of luck.

When I first went NC, I was worried that she'd get desperate and show up at my house one day, but I think she enjoys feeling like a victim. In her eyes, I've abandoned her.

I thought my BPD would come around banging on doors and trying to embarrass me (an old trick of hers) but like yours she never did. But on reflection her need to stop and do the silent treatment probably prevents that. And when we were in contact, she would constantly demand more and not enough contact from us kids, yet she rarely took the imitative. But BPD want the world to evolve around them. Does sound by other's accounts on here that NC was never as bad as we first expected. How are you feeling about it all exodus ?

HappyChappy,

First of all I'm glad they let us say "charming" now ... .When I tried using that word in my bloated intro thread it got censored out with "charming" put in its place for some reason.  Go figure.

One really fortunate thing for me is that all the people I intend to keep in my life in any way just so happen to have no contact at all with any of my relatives.  The vast majority they've never even met once as I've been very careful to keep every part of my sphere of influence completely outside of their own.  I suppose if they decide to go full-on stalker mode it's possible they could manage to get a hold of one or two people through various means but it would really make them look like the crazy ones.

Still my mind races at the thought of what they might potentially stoop to.  I've seen them put each others' lives at stake at different times so it appears the only thing keeping them in check is the fear of damaging their reputation.  The other possibility (oh God I HOPE) is that they choose to "punish" me with continued total silent treatment for the rest of their lives.  Let them gossip and slander me to their hearts' content about what an ungrateful, terrible person I am to the rest of the "family" and all their friends... .it will have no effect on me since all those people will be out of my life too.

Also I'm not going NC right away even when I move out.  It will be a somewhat drawn-out process over the span of at least a few months.  Part of this is beyond my control since there's still a joint financial responsibility I have with one of them that won't be settled until said few months have elapsed.  In any case it will give me some time to ease into the whole thing and test the waters so to speak.

[exodus]

Thanks again to everyone else who replied.  I read each one and they all help! 

[Needless2say]

 

When I started NC yes, my uBPD sister tried everything to lure me back.  She used my kids, my husband, my Mom.  Then gave me the silent treatment which was wonderful because that is what I was aiming for with the NC.  She thought she was upsetting me but I was happy about it.  Then she contacted my FOO and started them at first saying things like, 'you know she's missing you' or 'you know she's sorry.'  I used to fall for it, but now I don't.  She's not missing me and I don't know she's sorry because she's never been able to say the word sorry in her life especially to me.  The FOO was truly believing her until one of them recently saw her true colors.  And she spread the word how I was being treated. 

Here is my advice to you:  Keep your head up.  Know you are doing the right thing.  It will be hard especially around holidays and birthdays but in a year or two you will be so happy with your new life you will look back and say to yourself why did I wait so long to do this.

Good Luck