I've finally decided

[purekalm]

I've finally decided to separate after almost seven years of marriage. I quite literally can't take it anymore. But, the more I've thought about it the more I've realized I don't even want to try to reconcile anymore, I want to be free from him for good. I want to divorce him. He honestly doesn't believe he has a problem and will pretend to seek help, I don't want to do this. I'm so done with his sordid song and dance. My biggest issue is my son. Now, he currently doesn't have any contact alone with him because he can't be trusted. It's part of my safety plan, as well as he has child abuse history where he was initially blamed. Just a few days ago I went to the bathroom and I heard my husband's voice and after every time he talked my son started crying. I hurried out of there to see my son hiding under the kitchen table watching my husband walk around. My son has autism and a speech delay, so even though I asked he couldn't tell me what happened, but you could see the fear in his eyes. I've been asking either one of my parents or my brother to watch him now just to use the restroom. This is ridiculous! With his history, what are the odds of getting complete and total custody of my son and taking away any rights my husband has to him in a divorce? All my husband ever wants to do is buy him something, he doesn't actually spend time with him, and I honestly don't think he'll fight me too hard on this. My main concern is my son. Oh, and he'll be signing a separation agreement soon that we will get notarized that forbids him from any alone contact with my son, will that help damage any case he might have? If he was a good father, I wouldn't pursue this. But as it stands I'm starting to actually fear for his safety. Please advise, and thank you all for previous support, it is VERY appreciated to a broken heart.

[enlighten me]

Hi Purekalm

Im so sorry that you and your son have had to go through this.

I think your concerns over your sons safety with his dad are perfectly valid.

How old is your son? You say he has autism and a speech delay. Is he able to communicate when he is calm?

There are some lessons that may be of use on the leaving board

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

And the family law board

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=239547.0

I hope you find these of use.

Please keep posting. It does help to talk to others who have been through and are going through what you are.

Were here for you.

EM

[purekalm]

Sorry it's taken so long to reply, had technical issues.

My son is 6 and even when he's calm, explaining something that happened isn't easy for him. You can ask him all sorts of ways, but the way he responds with his actions is the best indicator.

I have read a ton of the info and the one thing I can definitely say for sure is I'm cycling through all the emotions of loss right now. At first, I was so angry, then kept crying randomly, depressed, angry, crying and angry, still going round, currently depressed. Sigh. =(

I just hate this. At first he was upset, then in like a day was totally fine with it. Last couple days he's been a total jerk. I mean, I could have kicked him out with no place to go, but I'm letting him stay this month to get enough saved to get himself a place. On top of all he's put me through I can't believe sometimes he still has the gall to treat me like crap. I mean, really?

I've definitely felt lonely and weak at times. But either he acts like a total jerk or I remind myself of a time to snap myself back to reality. It just hurts, it isn't fair. I signed up for forever. I didn't want anyone else but him. I didn't even look or care because I was already taken. I was faithful, and yet, I'm the one suffering the most. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to raise our son by myself, even though I already have.

I want someone to care for me the way I care for them. Know what I like, what I don't like. Hold me when I'm sad, just to hold me and not always want something from me. Be able to tell me they love me for me and not the things I do for them. I mean, I don't know how many times I've asked him why he loves me and he gets mad at me because he can't even think of anything! Heh, it's like, whatever. How many times am I gonna let you squash my heart and hand it back before I step back and stop trying to glue pieces together that... .just don't fit. I just, want to scream the injustice of it all.

I'm not a victim, though I am, and right now I just wanna be free. I've felt like I've been trapped for a long time now. I've wanted out. Not out of the relationship, out of the craziness. Out of this nightmare that's taking over my life. Just wanna wake up and it was all one long horrible dream. I know that won't happen, but reality doesn't stop the pain. It only makes it worse.

When I have to look at him and remember the few good times and what I won't have at all anymore. He thinks I'm just angry and hate him, even though I let myself be vulnerable time and time again to tell him that's not true. The pain is so intense of having to lose someone you never planned on losing it's easier to go through day to day being a little ticked than breaking down and crying all the time. Besides the fact I couldn't if I tried because my son is so sensitive I can't really have any other emotions besides happiness because he cries and gets really upset. "Mommy happy, mommy happy." It just makes me feel even worse.

So sad, but true. We can't even go to the store together anymore because husband flips so bad over everything. One time a month ago we had to run in for something and we were walking away from the Inside Out stuffed character display and without even looking at either one of us my son said ":)addy angry. Mommy sadness." My husband didn't get it at all, thinking it was funny. I about broke down right there and said quietly to myself "Yep, you got us pegged don't ya buddy?" Disability or no, he knows.

But you know, I am SO TIRED of being sadness! I just want to be me again. I'm starting to and I think that is part of why my husband is so upset. I'm not relying on him for anything right now unless I absolutely have to. I took care of myself before and I can do it again, it's just a lot more complicated and difficult now with my son. But not impossible, and I know 100% we're better off without him. (Shakes head) Even making up the terms of the separation he wants to be separated for a year "at least" and only visit or see us "once a month". I mean, he just, he doesn't care at all.

Sigh. Sorry for my rant. No one has to read it, I just needed to write it. Thanks for giving me the space. =)

[enlighten me]

Hi Purekalm

I stayed with my exgf for a month after I finally got the courage to end things. It was horrible. No one else knew we had split up and 10 days after we had it was my sons first birthday. We had a party for him and she had her family and friends over. They sat there inviting us to things and chatting as if nothing was wrong. At one point my ex even came over and sat on my lap. I wanted to sit there crying in front of everyone as that day is what I wanted. Partner, family, friends all enjoying and celebrating. I was never going to have that with her because as soon as it was over things would go back to the way they had been.

It is hard when you have to see them day in and day out.

Once he has moved out your son will see less of the sadness mummy and will start seeing joy mummy.

Maybe go and buy yourself the joy figure to remind you of this.

EM

[purekalm]

=( So sorry, that must have been so hard. It feels so cruel when they do things like that.

Yeah, technically my son is 5. He turns 6 the first week of November. Just a few days after he's supposed to be out. He hasn't even mentioned his birthday... .

It is hard to see him everyday, knowing, just knowing it's over. It's been almost six months since we've even been near each other after a certain event. He tries to act like things are normal sometimes and kiss me, but I always turn my head. He gets angry when he gets my cheek, but, I can't. My heart can't stand it. Don't try to give me hope when I know it doesn't exist for us. It just makes me more sad and angry.

All he has for me is lust, and I'm not even good looking, ! He actually said to me the other day that I've been looking really hot lately because of the weight I've been losing. Ha, heh. I just looked at him. That's what you got to say to me? Not that you love me, not... .just wow. The sad thing is, I should know better by now and it shouldn't surprise me.

My son hasn't even watched the movie, just little videos and trailers and loves them. Guess which two he picked first? Sadness, then anger. I told my mom I had a feeling there was a reason behind those two, and sure enough... .he wants fear next. (Cries.)

My mom is going to get him Joy for his birthday, so I'll get to see her anyways. =) Yeah, more than anything I have to do this for him, he's been through enough and so have I.

Thanks for replying.

[enlighten me]

Its a painful time for you and your son. One thing that struck a chord was you turning your cheek. This is what my ex used to do when I went to kiss her good night. This was long before the relationship ended. I realised later that this was the first sign it was over between us. That she no longer had those feelings for me. Its was a painful realisation but I understand it now. It takes two to have a relationship.

It does get better. Once your ex has moved out then it will feel strange at first. Its uncomfortable because you have got so used to walking on eggshells that when the weight is lifted off your chest and you can breath normally it doesn't feel normal.

Your son will probably notice the change in you before you do. Mine pointed it out to me before I had realised it.

Good luck and keep posting.

[purekalm]

In my particular case, I don't want it to be over but there's no choice but to accept when someone proves over and over for almost seven years that they don't even care about you let alone love you. I started turning the cheek when I just couldn't take the switching anymore. He'll be normal one second, hour, day then hating on me the next. He wouldn't let me get close and told me it was hard to tell me how he felt and let me in and then I'd hear intimate details about his past from my family or himself telling me something he told someone. I'm like, really? What the heck?

Yeah, I kicked him out once before last July, but it only lasted a month because I wasn't really ready to let go I just couldn't take it anymore. I know some of those feelings to expect this time except that it's different insomuch that a huge part of me will be relieved when he's gone. I've been sleeping on the chair in the living room because I just can't even sleep in the same room with him anymore. It's not comfortable!

But, it is what it is and I hate it. I just get so mad there's nothing else I can do. I've taken about every road there is to fix myself, him (which I learned not to do) and you're right, without him trying there's just no relationship. It took me a long time to come to that realization. I didn't want to admit it, didn't want to look at the fact that what I had thought would last until I grew old and died is already over... .and I blame myself. I chose him right? If it wasn't for that I never would've been through all this. As much as I blame him I blame myself for being too naive and trusting... .he was my first and only "relationship" at 23 years old. I just wish I could go back sometimes and be like DON'T! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! =) Ah well, too bad, cause here I am.

He probably will notice before me. I just want to focus on getting healthy for both of us and taking him out of the picture is the best way I can see right now. Even though I go back and forth with my feelings, I know we'll both be so much happier without him constantly ignoring/yelling/whining/complaining and all the other aggravating crap he does or doesn't do.

[enlighten me]

Hi Purekalm

I was caught in a similar trap of my mind. I didn't want it to be over and I guess part of that fear was because I didn't want to be alone. Ive been single for 18 months now. Not been on a single date and you know what. Im happier than Ive been in a long time. When you learn to like yourself or even love yourself you realise that you don't need someone else to complete you as you are already whole. That doesn't mean that meeting the right person wouldn't be nice but they should be there to share life with not to fill a gap in it.

[purekalm]

Exactly! Share, not complete. That's all I ever wanted. Someone to share life with. The ups and downs, I mean, that's what I promised to do for him and I meant it. I've DONE it! Even though the majority of it all has been down, I've been there to the best of my ability. Every time I needed him, I just fell to the ground. He never caught me, but he certainly watched me fall.

Liking or loving myself has always been something EXTREMELY difficult for me. All I've ever been able to see since I was a child is my faults and play down any strengths I might have. My own worst critic, and I can't get away from me. I've tried... .=)

BUT, I know part of that is because of what my parents did to me. I was the good kid and I was smart and loved school so I didn't cause a lot of trouble. I blamed myself for every time my parents fought and I was just a mess. Besides the fact that they would hold me above my siblings and be like "why can't you guys be like your sister?" I figured out that was why I always panicked in school whenever the teacher would call my name, I didn't want to be the center of attention for any reason. It made me and my siblings fight more than we already did and hate me, compete with me in a competition I never signed up for and didn't run in. I had to do everything myself because I shouldn't need help, I can do it myself. I think that's why God gave me my son, I HAVE to rely on someone cause I can't make it through otherwise.

Sorry, rambling. But yeah, definitely hard lessons I've learned and will continue to learn. Just, hopefully not as hard or long as this!

And congratulations EM! It's so nice just to be happy with yourself. That's what I'm aiming for. =)

[enlighten me]

Yes you cant run away from yourself. I can also understand the self criticism as I am my biggest critic.

Recently Ive begun to let go of stuff. Ive been out of work for nearly a year now so financially Ive been struggling. I would panic and not sleep if I thought a bill would be missed. Now I realise that I can play catch up. It will get paid just not on the day it was meant to. My world hasn't ended because a payment didn't happen on a particular day.

I went through life like this. Always thinking a deadline was more critical than it was. I realise that the amount of pressure I put on myself wasn't necessary. This is just one of the things that I am changing about myself and I feel so much calmer for it. Its still a balancing act though. I don't want to swing to far into don't care territory.

[purekalm]

I definitely agree. I've always put more pressure on myself than I could really manage or when I would get totally overwhelmed fall into a pit of depression that just kept on with everything I didn't do that was piling up. Panic, panic. It didn't help.

I grew up poor and still am now unfortunately, though I hope to change that at some point. My parents filed their bills in the trash can. Yep, my dad had so many surgeries and stuff he had millions of dollars just in medical... .But for me, I always wanted things paid on time, paid in full, not like my parents. I met my husband and went right back to the insanity of him not realizing how important it is to actually pay your crap and not get in debt! Now, I myself am in debt because of him. Another weight I've got to shoulder that threatens panic if I'm not careful.

I understand. Going so far as to say "I don't care" puts you in just as bad a place as "It HAS to be on time!". For me, too much care is panic and stress, not caring enough tips the scale to depression. I've fought so hard to climb out of that, I don't want to be in that well again. The farther you get the harder it is to get the gumption to climb back out. It just doesn't seem possible or plausible. Why try? I say to myself. You know you'll eventually end up in here again because you're a miserable, weak failure who can never do enough, be enough, you're just not and you know it. Depression is so cruel. I wish I could do like my mom has said and "Snap out of it", but it's impossible to see yourself as anything but worthless until you force yourself too. Which... .is just so hard.

Balance is something I'm trying to achieve with this split. He throws everything off. I still have to deal with my dad (I share a place with my parents and brother) but I've got more practice and it's a totally different relationship than with my husband.( I don't want to call him that, but he's not technically my ex yet either... .Saying that word means there's some attachment and I don't feel it you know? Ah, little things.) When he's around it's a totally different atmosphere, and it's not even me hating on him or anything, just the vibe he tosses around. It affects my son and makes him cranky. To be honest, does the same to me. But, there's an end now, so I know we can make it. =)

[enlighten me]

It is a balancing act. Like with the bills I don't dismiss them as I know they will get paid. I don't get into a panic anymore.

I try to put this into practice in most aspects of my life now.

I have a dream of a house in the country I may never get there but I believe having something to aim for drives us forward.

[purekalm]

Ah, a kindred spirit! A house in the country is definitely one of my dreams. Not a mansion or anything, something nice and cozy, surrounded by beautiful life giving trees. I'm with you, I hope I get there too.

Yeah, sometimes it's easy to get swept up in the moment and forget the healthy way to deal with situations but balance is something I've been aiming for without realizing it before you put it into words.

I just gotta say, thank you EM. I was starting to feel out of control with everything and I appreciate you responding and helping me to ground myself again. Sometimes all it takes is a different point of view from someone who actually understands what you're going through. =)

I don't claim to be completely fine, but grounded is good for now, so thanks. Thanks to everyone here that takes the time to reply to someone in desperate need of an answer, a friend, even just a reply. =)

[enlighten me]

Glad I could help. It helps me to stay grounded as well. Being able to read what others post and see things from a different perspective. Also helps to not feel so crazy at times .

Your going forward which is good. At times its hard to keep that momentum going.

[Kwamina]

Hi again purekalm

Thanks for this update, I had been thinking about your story. It's very sad and unfortunate that your son needs to be protected from his own father. It is what it is though. Given all you've been through, I understand why you now would feel like more drastic steps are necessary to keep your son safe and also preserve your own well-being.

I don't claim to be completely fine, but grounded is good for now

I see you've gotten some great responses from EM Good to hear you're feeling more grounded now. Just take it one step at a time and know that you have us for support here

[purekalm]

Hey Kwamina,

Not used to being remembered, so thanks. 

Yeah, I feel the exact same way. He should be able to be with his father. Every time I'm out and I see these dads with their kids or holding their newborns and... .it just kills me. My son will never have that.  :'( :'(

Yeah, I've been a total mess all this time, completely losing myself and not even realizing it. I was talking with my mom the other day and she was reminding me how she kept trying to tell me that I was changing and I wasn't the same person anymore. But, because it was done gradually at first, I couldn't even see what I had let him do to me. I got angry, like, just leave me alone I'm fine. (Shakes head) I so wasn't, man I so wasn't. =(  I just kick myself for not being able to see it for what it is sooner. I knew, I know I knew. I just didn't want to believe it. I mean, who wants to admit that the person they quite literally gave everything to doesn't even care about them, forget loving them?

The last month, when he started pulling away more from me before I brought up the separation he found a clan to join in xboxlive and got all these friends and literally spends every minute of the weekend in front of the t.v. having a great time with his "friends". He ignores both of us, not like he didn't already, but it's like he has this whole other life that he created on his own and we're just not invited. It's so insane that someone can be this way. That he can stand there, put a ring on my finger and promise to be there forever in good times and bad and... .never mean one word of it. (Sighs)

Yes, EM has been great at making me think from a different perspective and just feeling like I'm talking to a real person and not something cold and automated!

I am definitely taking baby steps. I keep going from "good riddance" to wanting to cry or scream or slam a door. I can't, obviously, my son would flip. But, I'm still going round and round and I know it will get easier when he's gone and I won't have to deal with him pretending everything's just fine. I mean, he seriously believes I'm gonna wait a year... .For what? He's not going to get help, or he would have already. Thanks for the support. Having people going or have gone through some of the same things and can understand where I'm coming from makes things a little easier to deal with. This site is awesome, and might I say perfect for introverts like me?

[Kwamina]

Yes we accept everyone here, especially introverts

Yeah, I've been a total mess all this time, completely losing myself and not even realizing it. I was talking with my mom the other day and she was reminding me how she kept trying to tell me that I was changing and I wasn't the same person anymore. But, because it was done gradually at first, I couldn't even see what I had let him do to me. I got angry, like, just leave me alone I'm fine. (Shakes head) I so wasn't, man I so wasn't. =(  I just kick myself for not being able to see it for what it is sooner. I knew, I know I knew. I just didn't want to believe it. I mean, who wants to admit that the person they quite literally gave everything to doesn't even care about them, forget loving them?

This reminds me of an old post of mine in which I quoted the American author Zora Neale Hurston:

"People seldom see themselves changing. It is like going out in the morning, or in the springtime to pick flowers. You pick and you wander till suddenly you find that the light is gone and the flowers are withered in your hand. Then, you say that you must turn back home. But you have wandered into a place and the gates are closed. There is no more sharp sunlight. Grey meadows are all about you where blooms only the asphodel. You look back through the immutable gates to where the sun still shines on the flowered fields with nostalgic longing, but God pointed men’s toes in one direction. One is surprised by the passage of time and the distance travelled, but one may not go back."

This quote can be linked to the concept of 'radical acceptance' (Marsha Linehan, PhD.):

"There are three parts to radical acceptance. The first part is accepting that reality is what it is.  The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause.  The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it."

... .

"You're going to want to accept that the event has actually happened. You're going to need to accept that there's a cause. It happened for some reason. You may not know what the reason is, but there is a reason. And, you're going to want to accept that you can move through it. You can develop a life that has satisfaction, meaning and worth in it. Even with this painful event in your life."

Accepting reality for what it is in this case would mean accepting 'the passage of time and the distance travelled' and that 'one may not go back'. Accepting that everything has a cause would mean accepting that "you have wandered into a place and the gates are closed" because (for whatever reason) "men’s toes" were pointed "in one direction". In Greek mythology the asphodel is a plant connected with the underworld. Accepting that life can be worth living, even if really painful events are in your life would then mean to accept and believe that you can move out of the grey meadows into a new life and new environment where other flowers can bloom than "only the asphodel". No matter how you decide to move forward, I'd say it's time for you to surround yourself with some new flowers

[purekalm]

Yeah, there's a scripture that says something of the same, a time for everything. Another that talks about hope in the land of the living.

Well, I have yet to see it but I'm sure it exists somewhere. My son is the only reason I force myself to keep going. Otherwise, I might have just given up already. I wanted to die when I was a teenager but I promised God I'd give life a chance. Whatever small flicker of hope still resided I clung to it. And with my own dumb decision I made my life a living hell.

It's easy to believe this is just desserts for being so stupid. It's probably the truth. But, one day I've just gotta get free or I just might go insane. I talk myself into believing my life wasn't/isn't that bad. And then I write it down and I'm like, how am I still able to function? Lol 

Anyways, new flowers sounds nice. I need them. Big, bright and beautiful ones to overshadow all the previous flowers. =)

[Kwamina]

Well, I have yet to see it but I'm sure it exists somewhere. My son is the only reason I force myself to keep going. Otherwise, I might have just given up already. I wanted to die when I was a teenager but I promised God I'd give life a chance. Whatever small flicker of hope still resided I clung to it. And with my own dumb decision I made my life a living hell.

Dealing with these kinds of thoughts can be very difficult. You were still just a teenager. I've hopped over from the Coping & Healing board, I have gone through certain struggles myself during my teenage years and can relate to what you post here. I am glad you were able to cling on to the little flickers of hope  And you know what they say about hope don't you? Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words, and never stops at all! And I'm not just saying this because I'm an exquisitely fine feathered parrot

We all make mistakes. Once we know better, we do better. To be able to thrive, we first need to survive and in spite of everything you have survived which says a lot about your resilience