Extinguishing microtantrums

[Lostindirt]

I have read the article regarding extinction bursts with the strategies to curb unwelcome behavior like tantrums and rage fits.   It sounds very helpful, but my question becomes what if the outburst only lasts a couple of seconds.  My uBPD gf will be upset about something and typically yell at me in the middle of a sentence

example : I ate chicken for lunch  I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CHICKEN TONIGHT! (in hostile tone)  and occasionally apologize in the next breath (micropush-pull)

The stuff I've seen on here is typically just walking out on the conversation, but I feel like this would possibly be an overreaction.  I know it would probably make the behavior turn into a larger tantrum. My usual reaction is something like this:  I really don't appreciate it when you yell at me, but I forgive you.  (invalidating?) Maybe I should start trying to practice validation preemptively as soon as we disagree?

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[waverider]

  I really don't appreciate it when you yell at me, but I forgive you.  (invalidating?)

Correct, it sounds patronizing.

"would you like to rephrase that?" ~Puts the ball back in their court as to whether the conversation continues or not. It is then up to them if they want to keep having to rephrase things. It is obvious you didn't like it without "lecturing" them which can trigger a defensive reaction and generally creates a bad atmosphere.

It is best to not let them get into the habit of throwaway 'sorrys', to correct an action is worth more than wiping it clean with a sorry.

[Lostindirt]

Waverider,

Sorry I'm a little confused.  Do you think I should state that boundary and move to,  Do you want to rephrase that?  Or simply say do you want to rephrase that?

[waverider]

Waverider,

Sorry I'm a little confused.  Do you think I should state that boundary and move to,  Do you want to rephrase that?  Or simply say do you want to rephrase that?

Two separate issues.

Boundaries are about major things, and require immediate and unnegotiated actions such as disengaging/leaving. Enforcing boudaries at times does take an overreaction to drive the point home.

microtantrums, to use your phrasing, can be dealt with using less confronting methods like that suggested. If that has no impact, and it annoys you enough then you go to the more severe actions like boundaries.

Boundaries should be used sparingly otherwise you will be in endless conflict, and the conflict will be about constantly erecting boundaries (seen as controlling) rather than about the issues themselves.

There will be a whole bunch of things you will just have to let go and accept. At least until more important things are addressed.

[babyducks]

Maybe I should start trying to practice validation preemptively as soon as we disagree?

I have found validating early in a conversation to be very helpful.   What seems to be true for me and my partner is if there has been a period of high validation, if I have been regularly validating the 'easy' things,   when we get to a thorny moment she is less tense and less worried about being invalidated.    I try to not wait for a disagreement to validate.   I find it harder to validate while a disagreement is brewing.

In the example you gave

My uBPD gf will be upset about something and typically yell at me in the middle of a sentence

example : I ate chicken for lunch  I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CHICKEN TONIGHT! (in hostile tone)  and occasionally apologize in the next breath (micropush-pull)

I will  push back a little.   After the I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CHICKEN TONIGHT, I pause and deliberately become very still and quiet, maybe tilt my head a little like the RCA dog.  I let the silence linger just for maybe 3 to 5 seconds just long enough to be a little uncomfortable and then I move right along with the evening by resuming the conversation.   I want to make it clear I felt that wasn't appropriate with out berating or making an issue.   Like most people with BPD my partner is very sensitive to tone of voice and facial expressions, so I make sure my facial expression is mild disappointment or I simply don't look at her, I look away.   And that is usually enough to get my point across with out ruining the evening.

[Chilibean13]

I will  push back a little.   After the I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CHICKEN TONIGHT, I pause and deliberately become very still and quiet, maybe tilt my head a little like the RCA dog.  I let the silence linger just for maybe 3 to 5 seconds just long enough to be a little uncomfortable and then I move right along with the evening by resuming the conversation.   I want to make it clear I felt that wasn't appropriate with out berating or making an issue.   Like most people with BPD my partner is very sensitive to tone of voice and facial expressions, so I make sure my facial expression is mild disappointment or I simply don't look at her, I look away.   And that is usually enough to get my point across with out ruining the evening.

How does this work out for you? It sounds like magic!  It acknowledges the behavior but ignores the junk behavior at the same time.

[Lostindirt]

Waverider,

I see what you mean about endless conflict if one is constantly drawing boundaries. You said

microtantrums, to use your phrasing,

Just curious what you would call these outbursts?  Trying to learn terminology like this I find helps me to research things about this condition. 

Babyducks,

I like the approach and will probably try this first.  When I don't rush into the fray to defend myself at what I feel like is mistreatment (but I realize it is just a burst of uncontrolled triggered rage) I often react with silence, but I'm sure with a shocked, insulted or disbelieving face at the flare up over things that are in my opinion so minor.  Have you noticed a decrease in this behavior when using the small silent treatment?

[waverider]

I like the phrase microtantrums. I guess its a short lived  flare up. if it was in reaction to you denying a need it would be a short extinction burst.

Once you really understand these outbursts and get used to them you will be able to react without apparent shock or disbelief. It comes down to the same consistent response, and she will expect it. It will stop triggering both of you.

[babyducks]

Babyducks,

I like the approach and will probably try this first.  When I don't rush into the fray to defend myself at what I feel like is mistreatment (but I realize it is just a burst of uncontrolled triggered rage) I often react with silence, but I'm sure with a shocked, insulted or disbelieving face at the flare up over things that are in my opinion so minor.  Have you noticed a decrease in this behavior when using the small silent treatment?

It's worked well for me.   I don't over play it.   My partner is sensitive to my moods and expressions (more than I would have ever thought) so a very small reaction from me creates an impression.   I don't let it linger and I don't get drawn into a debate.    I also don't do it a lot.   I don't want to develop it as a habit.