My revelations

[jlc31489]

Hello all,

It has been 3 months since my dExGF left me abruptly and replaced me within two weeks.  Since then I have experienced stress, pain, hurt, and extreme depression.  However, I have recently come to several conclusions about myself which brings me to me, today.  I realize that most of what I am about to say has already been said by others and read y'all countless times, I've spent hours reading about her/this/us too. With that in mind, I hope that someone will benefit from my experience.  Any generalizations I make about BPD people and their partners are simply my opinions and nothing more.

Indifference is probably the best word to describe how I feel about my Ex and her actions.  I do intend to stay and be there for her, regardless of how we pan out.  But I am proceeding with cautious optimism and always remember that my desire for emotional stability comes before my desire to be a recipient of their pain inducing actions.

Here is snippet of what I've learned, I look forward to any feedback/advice.

1) You, as the non, are part of the problem.  Whether it was your actions, remaining in proxy with the BPD individual, or a combination of both, the common denominator is you.  Your actions may have caused your partner to dysregulate but that is only a sufficient cause of your relationship's problems; being in a relationship with BPD individual is necessary for the turmoil to exist.  Fix yourself first, and if you decide to stay, remember that you are playing with a loaded gun; you choose whether you are in the line of fire or not.

2) You probably have deep rooted emotional or mental issues, but are able to mask this better than the BPD partner.  Take a good hard look at why you chose this toxic person and why you are continuing to choose them knowing that they are sick, and cause you so much grief. Likely, the reality is that you are probably sick as well.  If you take anything away from your relationship it should be self-realization, and the personal growth therefrom.  Seriously getting help, helps, Zoloft/therapy has done wonders for me and I think I can potentially be a happier person than I was before meeting my Ex.

3) Lean on your support group.  If you don't have one use the internet and find one.  Being able to talk with someone allows you to realize how absurd your relationship was.  However, do this with caution.  I made the mistake of asking for advice, and not following through with it despite its soundness.  This can cause your support to not empathize with you, and I'm guessing more interpersonal stress is the last thing you want right now.

4) Don't analyze, scrutinize, or attempt to understand your dysregulation or your partner's.  The most mentally people will act irrationally under emotional stress, you and your partner are not them so don't place those times under a microscope because you won't find anything that will help you.  Additionally, just assume that all the BPD's actions, the good and the bad, are made while they are under extreme emotional stress.

5) Reading about how to navigate a BPD relationship is beneficial to all of your relationships, but there its benefit is limited.  After you feel like you aren't learning anymore, stop searching. You will never find an answer to why your partner did X when Y happened, each relationship is a unique snowflake treat it that way.

6) Laugh.  Shed those tears laughing and not by ruminating.  Remind yourself of the ridiculousness of the relationship.  Trust me laughing is key.  I'd post a link but I don't recall the board rules, but the Key and Peele skit "Meegan, Come back" is a hilariously accurate portrayal of my relationship, and likely yours, seriously check it out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bpd mother 51]

I see. And if you are going to stay to support her no matter how it pans out, then how are you to move on and be open to a healthy relationship? Or don't you deserve that? I don't move on because I am afraid... .I'm to enmeshed with him, I wont be able to tolerate the grief, I will feel isolated... .the list goes on. So honestly, why did you say you would stay? Why don't you make the break yourself and try to find something healthier? Why is she deciding your future instead of you?

[unicorn2014]

Yes ilc, I too notice you are on the staying board. Those are very good observations and it sounds like your borderline person left you.

[jlc31489]

BPD mother:  I am really sorry that you someone you love is causing you so much pain.  I think that I do deserve a healthy relationship, and that I am deserving of that. Because I truly believe that, I am confident that I can maintain proper boundaries with my ex.  What I want for her to not suffer even if it isn't with me.  That doesn't mean that I will wallow in the fact that I may not have been able to provide that to her?  Absolutely not, failure happens to everyone. 

If I had gone no contact and walked away I think it would have been out of spite and would've resulted in more rumination.  I will resume dating whoever, be it her or someone else, once I have addressed my own personal issues and no sooner.  However, I don't think I would addressed my own character flaws had I not lost the intense love that, I believe, only BPD can provide.  In a way I am grateful for BPD.

Will I be there for her if she needs me, will I be there for her and help her heal?  You betcha.  But I will not become attached until she enters treatment and I am not in another relationship.  Ideally, we would spend the rest of our lives together.  At the same time, ideally I would be a space astronaut.  Sometimes ideally happens sometimes it doesn't.  Such is life.

Have you taken any steps towards how you can cope with the impact your BPD has on you?  Maybe therapy would be beneficial for you.  I apologize if I am oversimplifying your situation, but I believe that we, as non's allow the BPD to hold our life's reigns, and that is neither healthy for you or them.  I feel that once you are in control of you, you can find the strength to be happy.   

Unicorn2014:

I apologize if I have posted in the wrong forum or if my post is demeaning or offensive.  My intent was to express that us non's focus too heavily on their BPD partners actions and how its impacts on them.  All relationships though, are a two way street, so it isn't fair to place the blame solely on the BPD partner when they probably didn't choose to have the life that led to their maladaptive behaviors.

I think you are right my BPD person did leave me, most likely anyone would have left me after what I did.  Had this been a normal relationship I would have coped by going out and trying to forget my BPD person.  As I mentioned though losing their intense love allows the opportunity for profound introspection and personal growth.

Like I said I do intend on staying, but I guess not in the conventional sense.  Like many of you, I understand my my BPD partner more than the BPD person understands themselves. My Ex is in a rebound relationship with someone who she initially used as a means of being vindictive towards me.  Sadly, through the course of painting me black, she has placed herself in a situation where leaving him would cause her friends and family to second guess her smear campaign against me.  Basically she is stuck because the thought of the truth coming and being perceived as being crazy or a liar is more painful than remaining in a shallow unfulfilling relationship.  Basically she stuck, and I am certain she will come back to me when her tower of cards collapses.  If that's not the case then I can only wish her happiness.

These people are experiencing suffering that is beyond non's comprehension.  I love my ex very much but staying with her is a form of enabling, and I feel like complete NC is also.  So I have chosen the path which I believe is most conducive for her suffering to end/be minimized and that staying by means of emotional availability.

[unicorn2014]

jlc, your post was not offensive, I was praising the insightfulness of it.   It sounds based on what you described that your pwBPD left you. I'm not sure what you did. I will reread your initial post to see if it is referenced there. Thank you for posting.