So Im pretty sure my wife is out to dinner with another man right now...

[pineapple78]

I dont know why Im writing this here. I guess because I dont have anyone else to talk to. A few weeks ago my wife was saying some awful things in public about my sister that were simply not true and i said after biting my tongue for as long as I could "That not right, its you that have been inappropriate to her". I know I know, silly me... .I tried not to respond but it was so wrong what she was saying to other people I could not keep quiet anymore.

She immediately burst into tears and I asked her to come out of the restaurant to talk to me but she wouldn't. She has been giving me the silent treatment since even though I apologised. Its been feeling like she was trying to distance herself emotionally from me.

Things have been reasonably good between us during a turbulent year which started with me discovering she was engaging in an email/emotional affair with some guy she met on a dating site. I discovered this quite by accident and she promised it went no further and she would not go down that road. I have been trying to build trust since though its hard.

Anyway so its been almost 4 weeks of her pushing me away and today she had to go to the city for business and organised to stay with my sister. She told her she was going to be there at 9.30pm because she was going to go to ikea. I called her early in the evening around 6ish and she was angry with me but something didnt feel right. She took a bottle of wine with her to sydney for dinner though she is not having dinner with my sister and will not answer my calls. She left ikea before 6pm as there is a charge on the account for it. So she has been out now somewhere in the city not answering calls which is never like her for almost 4 hours and she has not turned up at my sisters.

Im 99% sure she has met up with this guy and its killing me. I went to a couples psychologist today and she has a booking tomorrow. I thought at last there was hope she might get diagnosed and we could move forward but from her conversation earlier it seemed like she was aiming to tell the psychologist the reasons why she was going to ditch me.

I love my wife very much and was so close to getting her some help to make her life better but Im too late. She just messaged me with a lie about where she was. She said she was at Ikea but she left there around 6pm according to her purchase.

I guess I will be free from the chaos of living with a BPD, but I feel so alone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

 :'(  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.  Please don't feel that you can't come here and let it out.  That's why we're all here.      

[pineapple78]

She finally called me and I can tell she is lying but there is not much I can do about it. At least she was honest about the way she has been feeling about me. She said she knows that what I said to her is not enough to condemn me but her feeling is so strong that I have betrayed her and she can not stop herself from feeling that.

She gave me a story which did not add up about where she was. Told me she had a tough day in the city and was just sitting down by the water for 4 hours thinking. I know this is not true but I cant prove it isnt so have to leave it to her to talk to the psychologist tomorrow. I told her I did not believe her and i could not ask her to tell me the truth anymore but could she at least be honest and tell the psychologist the truth about it all. I dont know if it will help but ill see what happens.

[CrazyChuck]

I like to try and match things to a personal experience of mine to get a better feeling and understanding. My uBPDw about two months back tried really hard to make me think she was cheating. She didn't come out and say it. But there were so many clues. The first was she didn't answer my calls or texts during the time. She is always very quick to return calls and texts normally. She was very vague about what she was doing. She even asked if I thought she was cheating and laughed when I said yes. I really thought she cheated. And one day our daughter said something about them going to the mall. After a few questions, I figured out it was during that same time. My wife could have saved me tons of stress and frustration by saying she went to the mall with our daughter. But she led me to believe she cheated. I have no idea why she would do it except to cause chaos. This is just something you might think about.

[walbsy7]

My uBPDw tells me all of the time that "guys" are messaging her all of the time. She TELLS ME that she is flirting with them, sending them pictures, etc, like out of the blue or in arguments. I think it may be a tactic they use to keep is in the relationship in fears of us abandoning them, which sounds counter intuitive but they want to make us jealous so we work harder to keep them, in a crazy way it makes us look like we are at fault because we are not supplying them with what they need. My wife I know would never ever go out with a man, or visit someone or anything like that, but she certainly attempts to put a solid lie on me at least 3-4 times a week.

[workinprogress]

I like to try and match things to a personal experience of mine to get a better feeling and understanding. My uBPDw about two months back tried really hard to make me think she was cheating. She didn't come out and say it. But there were so many clues. The first was she didn't answer my calls or texts during the time. She is always very quick to return calls and texts normally. She was very vague about what she was doing. She even asked if I thought she was cheating and laughed when I said yes. I really thought she cheated. And one day our daughter said something about them going to the mall. After a few questions, I figured out it was during that same time. My wife could have saved me tons of stress and frustration by saying she went to the mall with our daughter. But she led me to believe she cheated. I have no idea why she would do it except to cause chaos. This is just something you might think about.

Could she be trying to get you to come out and accuse her of cheating?  Then she could go to her friends or fan club and say, "he's such a jerk, he accuses me of cheating all of the time!"

[ForeverDad]

You may never get confirmation of the truth, either way.  However, if you feel it in your gut, it's a real possibility, if not probability.

If there are no children from the marriage, then consider yourself facing a much less complicated and distressful future whether or not the marriage ends.  If the marriage does fail, then at least you know there can be an 'end' at some point.  With children, as wonderful as they are, the co-parenting troubles go on and on.

You are both adults.  No one, not even the psychologist, can make either of you change.  It's up to her whether she wants to change or not.  While you can learn better communication skills such as those advocated here, try to avoid triggering her too many times or do any number of other things, in the end it is still her choice whether to work with you or not.

[pineapple78]

Could she be trying to get you to come out and accuse her of cheating?  Then she could go to her friends or fan club and say, "he's such a jerk, he accuses me of cheating all of the time!"

Perhaps though I don't think so. I caught her out in the lie about where she was but she refuses to admit she is hiding something. Im pretty positive something happened and to make matters worse she went to see the psychologist for the first time today and she has recommended to her without speaking to me again that we have a trial separation. The psychologist saw me first and told me without me first suggesting it that it seemed like it was probably an issue of BPD though she would have to speak to my wife further. A trial separation has made me feel very uncomfortable because I have trust issues with my wife now. I dont know the motivation from the psychologist yet but we have been living apart mostly for the last 6 months anyway due to difficult circumstances so another 3 months of separation seems a bit counter productive to me.

I was so looking forward to her getting some help but it feels like she has just got ammunition to make our lives more chaotic and im feeling pretty lost as a result. Total anticlimax and I was so looking forward to moving towards making our lives better and I cant see how this will do so right now.

[JohnLove]

Hello pineapple78. You and I both know this is hardly good enough. It looks suspicious and it seems bad. Trust is very important in an intimate relationship.

If this T has taken her at face value, I am not surprised by her suggestion but realise this. pwBPD are often master manipulators... .just because she said her T suggested a trial separation is no real guarantee that is what her T actually said.

With any therapy for BPD I believe things often get worse before getting better.

[pineapple78]

I dont think I can do it anymore. I have been suffering terribly with depression and anxiety as i was in an abusive workplace and then came home to a wife who could explode at anything and now am stuck doing a new job I hate in a place i dont want to live because thats where my wife wanted to be. Now im stuck in this place i dont want to be but am not welcome anymore in our home either and now im told i need to move out somewhere else for a trial separation. When does it end? I feel like there is nothing left for me. I dont have anyone to talk to but on here.

Im afraid of moving on but I dont think I have a choice anymore. Im not even sure what to do with myself right now which sucks. Anyway thanks folks you know what its like... .

[workinprogress]

I dont think I can do it anymore. I have been suffering terribly with depression and anxiety as i was in an abusive workplace and then came home to a wife who could explode at anything and now am stuck doing a new job I hate in a place i dont want to live because thats where my wife wanted to be. Now im stuck in this place i dont want to be but am not welcome anymore in our home either and now im told i need to move out somewhere else for a trial separation. When does it end? I feel like there is nothing left for me. I dont have anyone to talk to but on here.

Im afraid of moving on but I dont think I have a choice anymore. Im not even sure what to do with myself right now which sucks. Anyway thanks folks you know what its like... .

Do you own your own home?  If so, you may not want to move out for the trial separation until you speak to a lawyer.

[Suzn]

I dont think I have a choice anymore. Im not even sure what to do with myself right now which sucks.

Hello pinapple78

This is a rough place to be, I'm sorry you are struggling.  

You have choices. A good practice is to sit down and write out a pro's and con's list. For staying, for leaving. Don't leave anything out and that means to also take into account your stress and anxiety level and how it's effecting you. Your health is important. I have found a pro's and con's list effective for making really hard decisions. It will also help once you have all your options written down, if you are still struggling with your decisions, to share them either with a friend who can be objective or share here so that your support group can help you.

You and your wife, BPD or not, are both adults and you're married. Taking everything that's said as ultimate truth and your current overall situation is causing you anxiety. Getting a handle on that anxiety is hard however it's difficult to think straight when anxiety is running the show. Deep breaths and working on centering ourselves, working on making decisions with intention will help get it under control. In other words, shifting your thoughts to working on a solution that you can live with first and then looking into what you need to do going forward. Be it talking with the T and or talking with an attorney so that you know what all of your options are. Having all of the information is necessary to making an informed decision. This gives you something constructive to do and it can also help with lowering your anxiety.

No matter the outcome, taking the driver seat for your decisions about your life will give you confidence and a shift in confidence can do amazing things. Right now you are allowing other people to drive decisions that are yours to make.  

Being prepared with all of the information will help and the tools here can help with communicating with your wife.

How to respond to heightened emotions

We often allow our emotions to do the driving. You sound triggered and understandably so, this can cause us to react in ways that can ultimately compound anxiety.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Your marriage doesn't solely belong to your wife, you are the other half and your needs and well being are equally important. You don't have to run or react immediately. You can pause and take a step back to evaluate what will be best for you going forward. Being capable of stepping back a little emotionally and evaluating is necessary to a more successful relationship with a pwBPD.

Hope this helps.  

[walbsy7]

I dont think I can do it anymore. I have been suffering terribly with depression and anxiety as i was in an abusive workplace and then came home to a wife who could explode at anything and now am stuck doing a new job I hate in a place i dont want to live because thats where my wife wanted to be. Now im stuck in this place i dont want to be but am not welcome anymore in our home either and now im told i need to move out somewhere else for a trial separation. When does it end? I feel like there is nothing left for me. I dont have anyone to talk to but on here.

Im afraid of moving on but I dont think I have a choice anymore. Im not even sure what to do with myself right now which sucks. Anyway thanks folks you know what its like... .

I feel like I am in that same exact deadend like you are. The only thing that keeps me around I feel like is right before I am about to break and hit a new low, I have a nice couple hours with her (all under her control of course) and I remember how much I love her and realize that this is the women I married. Then of course it will go back downhill faster than anything. When you get in those situations, try to do something that makes you feel better, a hobby or something. Go shoot a basketball for an hour and clear your head. It is good you are in therapy, I am not there yet but trying. It is worth letting that run its course. I have realized that my uBPDw tends to go through cycles and phases, and what tips her off will soon go away and it will be something completely different later. Then 2 years go by and it cycles back to the beginning issues. I have come to accept that and by doing it I am prepared for the blowouts, as best as I can be at least. Read up on some of the articles here and begin applying them to your life. Take care of yourself first, but also try to support your SO within the boundaries you establish.

[thefixermom]

pineapple78, this is a time for you to take things a day, or even an hour or a minute, at a time, and not think too hard about what to do next.  Sometimes, when we don't know what to do... .we shouldn't do anything... .other than take care of our basic needs, and let all that has happened begin the process (several uncomfortable phases) of healing.  You have a lot going on and no place stable to stand at the moment.  But rest assured, this is only temporary and you are in this exact place for a perfect reason.  I would suggest doing anything you can think of that brings some wholesome pleasure to you. Is there some activity or hobby you enjoy but your wife did not partake in so you gave it up?  It sounds to me like you have given up so much of yourself and that is perhaps at the root of your loneliness and feelings of being lost.  I'm not discounting the overwhelming pain and disappointment of your relationship potentially disintegrating.  I know first hand how that distracts from any possibility of joy.  But you must find some joy! Even if it has to happen side by side with the pain inside you. Cell by cell, you can start to fill yourself up with some authentic parts of you that have been long neglected.  Sometimes our darkest days are the beginnings of the best times in our lives, once we regain our sense of self.  It takes some time so don't rush it.  You have been so focused on her, her, her... .and I understand that!  But it comes at a cost.  This is why the pain is there... .to teach us... .so that once we finally regain our stability, we learn to protect it so that no one can ever destabilize us again. It has to come at a painful price in order to get our attention.  I say that as someone who has been there several times... .took me awhile to learn!  You can actually come to appreciate the aloneness for a time as you get to know and love yourself again. Wishing you the best.

[ForeverDad]

From what I've read in other threads here, a therapeutic separation may help a troubled marriage but that generally involves both individual and marital counseling.  If it's just mostly separation, without monitoring and progressive goals, then that leaves things wide open for more divergence, incidents, misunderstandings and whatnot.