Newbie

[bpdmom1]

I've been reading some of the posts and see a lot of similarities.  We put our daughter in a therapeutic boarding school and now after 3 months we are starting to see a change. Since she is under 18 she hasn't been diagnosed with BPD, but it keeps coming up that she has BPD traits and after reading and studying up on it, she seems to fit the diagnosis 95%.

We talk with her therapist once a week, plus her coach.  She made it to the next level so we were able to take her off campus.  Some topics came during the visit and we found out later that she didn't like and during our last conference call with her coach she stated we shouldn't come see her for awhile and that she is setting a boundary on us.  The boundary doesn't bother us.  She doesn't like how we parent her sister and feels her sister as gotten away abusing her over the years without us punishing her properly.  I felt this was something that needed further exploration with her therapist. All I had to offer was we need to discuss this further in group therapy as our reality on the subject differs.  My husband didn't say a word as he was getting irritated and her coach directed us that she needs to be heard and validated.  It is hard to validate when her reality is completely different than the truth.  We really can't say we understand her as we don't and she really doesn't want to hear our reality.  Her coach wants us to practice validating next call.  I think we need to learn how to validate without making her think we agree with her distorted truths.  What I want to say to her is "It is none of your business how we parent your sister.  You don't even know how we parent her as we don't involve you with her parenting.  You were more abusive to your sister than she was to you and she only lashed out when you pushed her to her limit."  Of course that wouldn't go over well and she would lose her positive momentum.  I'm really hoping someday I won't have to worry about how she might react.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ProfDaddy]

Been there.  dS11 is at his 3rd year in an RTC -- he aged out of one, still too dangerous, disruptive, and difficult to have at home.  He has major rivalry issues with D14 (well, with anyone that gets the spotlight other than him).  The family dynamic, when he is involved, is tense and twisted.  We needed help from our own family therapist on our end, to re-establish a healthy dynamic without him, in addition to the team at the RTC.  Anyhow, enough about me.  

Trust your gut on this... .but don't respond out of anger.  I like what you said about "I think we need to learn how to validate without making her think we agree with her distorted truths."  Seek help on this one, request a call with her coach or therapist from the RTC, just the adults without your daughter, in advance of her call.  They can help you plan, practice, and maintain your own boundaries.  You can express your concerns to the therapist or coach, in advance.  

One of the moderators posted something today in another thread about the S.E.T. approach https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm to communication.  Perhaps it or something like it applies here.

[mimi99]

Welcome. I also have a BPD daughter. She was diagnosed in her late teens and went through a year of intensive DBT. We were not aware of any long-term residential programs at that time. She is now 24 and I sometimes wish we could force her to go to one!

I came to realize since joining this community that I have been very invalidating over the years. As a mother, I felt the need to help her to see reality, instead of the twisted version that she came up with most of the time. As a result she felt invalidated constantly. I don't think that any amount of "correction" I give will help her to see how distorted her reality is. I have been reading the posts here and trying to use the tools at the right. I've been practicing validation and it seems to help. She doesn't think any more normally, but she doesn't freak out on me as much. (That's huge) If she says something completely crazy, I don't have to respond. Or I attempt to validate by saying something like, "I can see how that would upset you". She recently commented that she noticed that I was attempting to acknowledge her feelings and that she appreciated it. Big improvement. It hasn't fixed her, but it does make our limited interactions a bit calmer.

It doesn't mean that we validate ridiculous statements, just try to look for the feelings behind the statement. I am oversimplifying and new to this myself, but practice has helped me. Maybe you could read the validation tool and think up some possible scenarios to practice your skills with before you actually have to do it with her.

Make the most of this site. There is a lot of help here

[lbjnltx]

Hello BPDmom1,

I'm so glad that you found us!

I wanted to offer you a great resource on validation, the book I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg was mandatory reading for us when my daughter was at Falcon Ridge RTC.  A used copy is cheap to get.  I call it the validation bible.

In the meantime, we have info presented in video form to help you learn the importance and impact that validation can have for your daughter, your relationship with her and yourself:

https://bpdfamily.org/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html

Here are some articles based on the info from "I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" that can help you start validating right away.

Validation and Teens

There is a lot of info in the links I provided, be patient with yourself as you learn and absorb.  It takes time and is worth the effort.



lbjnltx

[bpdmom1]

Thank you all for the insight.  My husband and I watched the validation video and it was helpful.  I also ordered the book.  It looks like we have a lot of good resources here at our finger tips, but I would also like both my husband and I to work on what ever is needed for I'm worried she will regress when she gets home.  We've been working with her therapist, which is helpful.  I'm wondering if it would be a good idea to find a therapist that is trained in BPD to help my husband and I learn these tools.  We've gone through a lot of therapists with my daughter and the one that she finally connected with stated she was her most difficult she has ever worked with.  I'm wondering how I might find a therapist for my husband and I to help us in these BPD skills on our end.  I'm also wondering if anyone is aware of a service my daughter can call when she is in crisis.  Not sure I'm looking for a crisis center, but a 24x7 therapist or group of therapists she can reach out to when she is struggling, feeling overwhelmed and wanting to harm.  When she returns she needs resources to help her get through real life.   

[lbjnltx]

A DBT program usually offers phone support for patients.  Whether or not it is 24/7 support really depends on the program.

Is your daughter receiving DBT in the RTC she is at?  It is important for her followup treatment to reinforce the skills she learns at RTC and even more important that Mom and Dad do too.

There are websites and crisis phone numbers for teens regarding suicidal ideation and self injury.

suicidepreventionlifeline.org. has info to connect with local crisis counselors.

insteadofcutting.tumblr.com/hotlines has a list of national hotline numbers for teens to call and get support.

Check out these and other resources through a google search and vet them before giving your daughter access.  There are online support groups for teens, like this one:  www.teenhelp.orgwhich is mentor moderated.  Beware of chat rooms that are not moderated, they can do more harm than good.

Additional resources to consider:


Your Life Your Voice

www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/AskIt/Pages/default.aspx

1-800-448-3000

www.youthcrisisline.org/

[bpdmom1]

Yes, I believe they are doing DBT with her.  We tried outpatient DBT twice before once was 1 hour once a week and then intensive 3 hours, 3 times a week.  Neither program offered calls off hours.  I'm not aware of any other DBT support other than that unless you are inpatient. 

She will turn 18 before coming back home.  They might recommend she doesn't come home.  She has only been in residential RTC for about 4 months now, so it is hard to tell.  She will be finishing her senior year there.

We've been happy with the facility.  It is actually the second facility she has been in.  The first was more of a hospital to assess her to see if she met the criteria for the RTC she is in now.  They have been working with her really hard and I'm seeing a big improvement, but she still has a long way to go.   She even told us that she now has the tools she needs to manage her emotions and practices affirmations each morning.  She is having less issues with her peers since she first started.  I'm feeling cautiously hopeful.   

I'll take a look at your links.  Social media has been a huge issue for her so any type of message boards might be a bad idea for her. 

[bpdmom1]

I'm excited to find out that she will get support after she graduates and will have phone numbers to call if things get bad for her.

ProfDaddy ~ My heart goes out to you. 

[lbjnltx]

My d could call the RTC anytime and speak with the residential staff, though not therapists, they were well versed and experienced in talking the girls through a crisis.  For 3 months after RTC she had weekly calls with her regular therapist there.  Reminders of skills by her T were very helpful to keep her ontrack and the skills fresh in her mind.

Having a good working knowledge of the skills she learned helped her Dad and I model, remind, and hold her accountable for the use of them.  I hope that your family has the same positive experience.