I know all the facts but why do I still miss her?

[DaKid]

I have read so much. And it fits the pattern of BPD almost word for word. I also realize looking back that I ignored the  . I know in my head that I will be better off in life moving on. My heart is yet so broken and hurts so much. The shock of trying to accept that someone who supposedly loved me could treat me this way in the first place. The shock of how quickly I was replaced. The shock of how happy she is now. I know the facts explain why to all of these things. I just don't know how to tell my heart to listen to my head.

[enlighten me]

Hi Dakid

If I could answer that then I would have a practice for the broken hearted. I think for me what helped is looking at why I ended up in this type of relationship. Why I am like I am and how that left me vulnerable. By working on me it made me want her less. The more confident about who I am the less drawn I was to her. We can see all their faults and know why they do it but its not them that we have to change its us.

I started by looking at what I had achieved in life. I looked at my positive points and slowly I began to realise I didn't need others to make me feel good about myself. I thought I was worth a lot less than I actually am and realising this made me realise that the fear I would never meet anyone as good as my ex was a load of rubbish. My ex isn't the best I can do and Im worth more than that. After this I began to realise that I don't need anyone to complete me. I am a complete person already flaws and all. I would like someone to share my life with but not complete it.

By becoming more comfortable with who you are and seeing your vulnerabilities and working on them you may like me be less inclined to want her back.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Well for me personally it was hard because I loved her. Meaning I felt it.  That feeling no one can describe.  What we wait our whole lives for.  What helped me was realizing love is not enough.  I mean I felt afraid, real fear before but it wasn't enough to stop me from achieving my goal.  I as realized in college I tried a few drugs that felt amazing and really good.  I new just because something feels good doesn't mean its good for me.  These line of thought helped me put less importantance on my feelings to move on.  What. Do you do to remind your self about the good inyour life, and other amazing things you achieved.

[parisian]

Hey Dakid,

It's very hard initially trying to reconcile the pain of a break-up. Perhaps do some reading on co-dependency because that is what brings us all here. When we put our love for someone ahead of the love for ourselves, it is so very painful when things break down. It is also hard trying to come to terms with how they could treat us that way when we showed them nothing but love, care and respect. The answer to that question is simply 'the disorder'. We feel torn apart because we gave them everything and they gave us crumbs. But the answer has nothing to do with reciprical love. Our exes are people with a severe illness, so not much about how they treated us makes any logical/reasonable sense. The answer is 'the disorder'.

There is also an element of psychological Trauma Bond break that is happening and contributing to all the pain also. Do a little research on that and it may help explain some of the pain. Treat yourself kindly and do some nice things for you - you deserve it. x

[Mutt]

The shock of how quickly I was replaced.

Hi DaKid,

I can relate with how traumatic that feels when a pwBPD will quickly attach to someone else. The core feature of BPD is an intolerance of aloneness. A pwBPD seek external assurance and have a fundamental failure with object relations with a primary caregiver and cannot conjure an image of a nurturing caregiver and sooth themselves and become adults with behavior patterns that are fashioned with inconsistent, absent or frustrating caregivers.

when the person with BPD is confronted with the potentional loss of the caring, holding other, a different set to clinical phonemena becomes evident-phonemena that link the theme of intolerance of aloneness to the DSM-IV criteria for BPD. Now, prompted by fears of abandonment, the angry devaluation or the self-injurious behaviors become apparent, often with unexpected suddenness and intensity (pg 20) Gunderson, Links 2nd ed.

[Darsha500]

I'm 3 months out as well.

I want you to imagine a scene, perhaps you'll find it helpful.

I want you to imagine yourself in lotus posture, deep in meditation. Your face is bruised, blAck eyed, blood dripping from your head wounds. Tears running from your eyes. Your body scratched and scared. Surrounding you lies the wreckage of all you knew. Your home has been reduced to rubble, picture frames and memories strewn everywhere.

Yet you remain composed, you remain intact, like a monk sitting beneath a water fall, freezing water showering down upon him. You are the embodiment of courage. From the vantage point of your minds eye, you see all manner of tormenting thoughts and feelings arise. Yet you make space for them all. You allow yourself to experience the whole spectrum of emotions without trying to magnify or minimize any of them, you are simply present.

Behind you, in the distance, there is a tornado, whirling forward, leaving only wreckage in its wake. This is the storm that overtook you, the storm that tore you asunder.

... .there is no going back. This is what I had to repeatedly tell myself in the earlier days.

This imagery, representing the aftermath of a failed BPD relationship, popped into my head the other day. I find it consoling. For me, it is an image that fosters my resolve: That despite all that transpired, I persevere. In complete acceptance of what is, I am at peace with my suffering,

The Buddha claimed that man’s suffering stems - in large part, if not entirely - from ignorance.

But what is it we are ignorant of?

Our true nature. Our true, authentic selves, unencumbered by our deeply entrenched self-negating beliefs and the divisiveness of our thoughts.

In line with what others have said, I am convinced that a key part of the detachment process lies in introspection. Indeed, the disaster that is my failed BPD relationship prompted one of the most fruitful periods of introspection in my entire life.

As Lifewriter suggested, when we turn our view inward in search of the internal factors that compelled us into such dysfunctional relationships, our perceptions are likely to change immensely upon their discovery. It is in this discovery that we free ourselves from ignorance.

For me this has meant looking back at the relationship dynamics within my FOO. I cant tell you how many times I’ve been struck with awe upon gaining an insight. Its almost as if I were groomed to be susceptible to a BPD relationship. Its in this tracing back, this excavation of the unconscious, that we discovery our own defects of character, and those forces that kept us bound up in dysfunction.

When we see these motivating factors for what they are, our BPD partners are seen more for what they are, I believe. Its almost as if, like our ex partners, our behaviors were prompted by our own disordered personalities.

Just some thoughts Ive been having, that I wanted to share.

If you want some book suggestions PM me.

[DaKid]

Thank you everyone for all the insights. I have read over them a few times already. I know I just have to look inside of myself and accept everything. And the fact that I can only change myself.

[Mutt]

Dakid,

You have the right idea. Reflect, don't repress. You suffered loss.

My advice is unburden the pain here on the boards and share your thoughts and feelings.

Radical acceptance takes time.

[Freeatlast_1]

Dakid, loving a BPD intensely and deeply is not uncommon. Most of us felt it. I thought mine was my "soulmate". These people groom you to fall head over heals with them. They give themselves completely into the relationship, making it seem that you're in control of the situation, and once they know your soul is hooked, devaluation starts. There seems to be a pattern. Not to say she didn't love you or doesn't, she probably did and still does, but that doesn't change her patterns and behavior. My ex was abused as a child, she had a very rough life, and I understand where her BPD comes from, I understand that she can turn into a stone cold being within seconds, detaching from all her emotions. These were defense mechanisms she had to build to protect herself from her past. Still, that does not change who she is now and how she handles a relationship, and yes, love is not everything. There is respect and trust, both of which are usually missing in a r/s w a BPD. I WISH my ex can be normal all the time, I'd even go to therapy with her, I'd support every move to better the r/s, but of course, she wouldn't want to do it and she is fine with who she is.