Techniques to help forget about them?

[Schermarhorn]

Hey, I was wondering if anybody had techniques they would like to share to keep their ex off their mind. I have tried to keep everything that reminds me from her away from me, but she still wonders into my thoughts several times a day.

It has been several months, and I am still missing her. Today has been particularly bad, because I had a dream of her last night. I understand the healing process takes time, but at this point my grieving has lasted longer than my relationship with her.

As if a BPD breakup wasn't bad enough (undiagnosed, but if its not BPD it is something very similar), she was my first so I am worried I am going to be stuck like this for life.

I go through angry stages, remorseful stages, and then just get to the point I want to just quit thinking about anything period.

I just don't know what to do. I don't cry about it anymore, but she is still on my mind so much that it's like I can't live my life anymore.

[Mutt]

Hi Schermarhorn,

I can see how it would feel like we're going to be stuck like this for life we're going through grieving a loss. I think it can be really hard to visualize better days ahead of us when we're in pain, it can feel overwhelming. My advice is reflect, don't repress, you don't have to go through this alone, talk about it here and with a T. Do you have a T?

[Schermarhorn]

Hi Schermarhorn,

I can see how it would feel like we're going to be stuck like this for life we're going through grieving a loss. I think it can be really hard to visualize better days ahead of us when we're in pain, it can feel overwhelming. My advice is reflect, don't repress, you don't have to go through this alone, talk about it here and with a T. Do you have a T?

No I do not, but I pretty much come on this site whenever I get the urge to contact her. It has worked great for that purpose. I haven't tried initiating any communication with her since the breakup. So at least I can be happy about that.

[Darsha500]

Hey Nonya,

Whats been really helpful for me is getting engaged in life, making new memories. For me this has meant getting really involved in the community of people of which i am apart. This has allowed me to get out and do new things, meet new people, be of service to others, and, in general, keep me occupied. This has been incredibly helpful for me. I think allot of it has to do with the novelty of the new situations. By getting really involved with something new and exciting, I'm sort of rewriting the story. Im replacing all of the sorrow with new memories and experiences, and making room for whats to come next.

Perhaps consider getting involved with some sort of club. If your in college thats a great place to start. Find something that you are passionate about and do your best to engross yourself in it. This has been working for me. I think about my ex less and less, and her memories are getting less and less painful.

Godspeed Nonya.

Have faith that brighter days are ahead.  

[once removed]

ever heard the scenario where someone tells you "dont think of an elephant. dont you dare think of an elephant"?

pain has a way of insisting that it wont be repressed. the grief process has a way of insisting that it wont be linear. try to avoid kicking yourself. i think the fact that you have grieved longer than the relationship is not relevant.

i had a three month relationship when i was eighteen. it really did a number on me. i dream about it occasionally and the thoughts really linger through the day. its been eleven years vs three months. my point is not that im hung up on her, or that you will be forever hung up. i would bet you wont.

my advice is dont fight this. let yourself feel, let yourself grieve. repressing doesnt help and may make things worse.

but thats not to say your question is off base either. grieving can get counterproductive. we do want to do our best to move forward, as we are able, trusting that in time, these things become routine, and we often dont even notice that we have moved on, we look back and see it.

the following link may help in managing some of this: TOOLS: Dealing with ruminations  

[scgator]

Hey Nonya,

Whats been really helpful for me is getting engaged in life, making new memories. For me this has meant getting really involved in the community of people of which i am apart. This has allowed me to get out and do new things, meet new people, be of service to others, and, in general, keep me occupied. This has been incredibly helpful for me. I think allot of it has to do with the novelty of the new situations. By getting really involved with something new and exciting, I'm sort of rewriting the story. Im replacing all of the sorrow with new memories and experiences, and making room for whats to come next.

Perhaps consider getting involved with some sort of club. If your in college thats a great place to start. Find something that you are passionate about and do your best to engross yourself in it. This has been working for me. I think about my ex less and less, and her memories are getting less and less painful.

Godspeed Nonya.

Have faith that brighter days are ahead.  

This is what really helped me. Getting out, meeting new people, making new memories. I also went to therapy for awhile and worked hard on myself. Worked to face and overcome the issues that led me to stay in the rs as long as I did. Ending all communication with my ex also helped greatly. All of it was uncomfortable in the beginning but as I progressed, things got easier. 

I'm about 4 months out from a 9 month rs and have made new friends, have a pretty active social life, am comfortable being alone and have started dating again. All things I was afraid wouldn't happen when I first left the rs.

Even though we all have very similar experiences, the recovery model is not the same for everyone. Hang in there and as everyone says, things will get better.

[Johnny1more]

I understand where you are at, and I have been there almost constantly for over a year until a month ago when I decided to accept the happy memories and thoughts I was having and focus on them. Guess what happened? The bad and upsetting ones began to drift away, and dramatically reduced in number. Remember you probably had some wonderful times together, perhaps intimacy as you have never before experienced it before. I did and I'm in my 60's. The bad things are because of her illness... .she loved her happy times with you too, even more than you can imagine. Read all about that illness here on this site, understand her and BPD better. Try to let the bad memories wash over you and think of those lovely warm experiences you shared. Focus on them, it will do you no harm. Logically and correctly you know that you should not be in this relationship, remembering the good times will help not hinder your coming to terms with it.

[OutOfEgypt]

Well, by definition you cannot rid your mind of something (or someone) by trying to NOT think about them.  The mere act of trying to NOT think about them *is* thinking about them.  The best thing you can do is force yourself to do things to create a new life for yourself.  Go out with friends, take a trip, etc.  Replace the things in your life with new things.  Take up a new hobby.  I don't know if you go to church, but if do try joining a study group.  Do different things.  What you need is to move on.  And that means building a life apart from that person.  As time goes on, you will have more of your *own* life under your feet, rather than the fantasy-life-with-her that you were clinging to.

The other thing you need to do is STOP analyzing and obsessing and ruminating and worrying.  I know how it goes... ."What is she doing now?"  "Has she moved on?"  "Why did she do that?"  "How can I fix myself?"  "What if it wasn't all her?"  "I feel like it's my fault."  "Will I be stuck like this forever?"  But all of that ruminating does *nothing*.  You aren't going to figure it all out, and trying to is in large part what keeps you stuck where you are.  You need to find a therapist and reserve that time only, with the therapist, for trying to sort things out.  If you try to sort it all out on your own, you will go nuts and only prolong your own agony.

Think of yourself much like an alcoholic.  She (or rather, the fantasy of her) is your bottle.  You need to do things with yourself and get help for yourself.

[Suspicious1]

I agree that suppressing thoughts is unhelpful. I've read lots of articles that suggest things like flashbacks, triggering incidences, ruminations etc are all helpful parts of the grieving process, helping you sort your thoughts and find your way forward.

Like you, I have been out of the relationship for (almost) as long as I was in it. Maddeningly, this is now nearly 18 months. I still think about him every single day. I'm impatient. I don't want to think about him every single day. I bet he's not still thinking of me. This isn't my first relationship - I'm 40 years old and I've had a fair few heartbreaks to get over including a divorce, but this is the only one that's taken me more than about three or four months to recover from. At the beginning of this process, I thought to myself "this hurts now, but I'll be fine by about September". I've gone past that September. I went past the following one too. I'm now at the point where I'm thinking "will I be ok by next September?". It's hit me like a ton of bricks.

That said, if I stop thinking about the fact that still I miss him, and I focus on what progress has been made, there's actually quite a lot. Alright, it's slow, but it's happening. It might still hurt, for example, but it doesn't hurt every day. It doesn't even hurt every week. Maybe every month, maybe not.  But it used to hurt, excruciatingly so, every single second, day and night.

I'm at the point now where I think "maybe this isn't about him at all - maybe this is pointing at a lot of other unresolved issues that I'm just taking some time to work out". I've had a LOT of grief to process over the last couple of years - it's not just my exBPDbf I've had to handle. Could it be that I've directed the grief in that direction as a way to manage it more easily? Who knows.

Anyway, I did some counselling, but not about him (I'd probably benefit from that). I tried to create new routines focussing on the things I loved - the things that worked for me were long walks, bike rides, yoga. I engaged in a bit of my own splitting - this has always worked for me in the past when I've had difficult breakups - I make a list of all the things I disliked about the person, then every time my mind wandered into nostalgia, I'd focus hard on the list.

These BPD break-ups suck like no other. I guess it's the lack of closure we get from them, so we have to figure out how to give it to ourselves.

[Learning Fast]

Sage advice from all.  I've reengaged in volunteer work, pursued my interest in vintage autos, started mentoring a new hire at work and took a few trips to visit with friends and family among other things.  Additionally, I've become a more active poster on the various boards.  The caring and wonderful people who populate this site are the best therapy!

One thing that I think is critical to remember is that the process in not linear.  Many of the more experienced members have posted as much and that has helped me immensely during hard days.  Yesterday was a great day with a lot of progress.  Today not so much as I woke up this morning thinking of my ex and haven't been able to shake that thought of her yet.  The lesson for us is to not become too hard on ourselves if we take a step backward.  It is part of the process.

[OutOfEgypt]

The big thing you have to know is that it *does* get better.  It really does.

First time my (now-ex) uBPD wife cheated on me and wanted to leave me, I thought I was going to die.

About every two years after that, there was either threat of leaving me, an affair, or an expressed desire for divorce, or sometimes all of the above.  Each time, I thought it would be easier the next time.  It wasn't... not while I was still with her.  I remember laying on the floor, feeling like I couldn't breathe.  I remember taking walks all the time, talking to myself, to God, to nobody, pacing around because I couldn't handle it.  I remember the sleeplessness and sick feeling in my stomach knowing she was out with someone else.

But I started to get healthy. I started to see a therapist about all of this (rather than the 8-9 other counselors I saw over the years to "fix" what was apparently wrong with me, according to my uBPD spouse).  Eventually, I was the one who wanted the divorce.  I got sick of being lied to, cheated on, and blamed for all of it, while she blew all my hard-earned money, sitting in her bed all day, sleeping, having phone sex, or leaving to screw other guys, while I worked and took care of the kids, cleaned, cooked all the meals, and did all the laundry.  Eventually, I realized that, yes, I may have issues, but nobody deserves to be treated like that.  I don't care if I'm the worst man on the planet.  Nobody deserves that.  I'd rather be single.  Life shouldn't have to be torture like that, especially when I was the one keeping myself in it!

And today... .I have zero feelings of desire for my ex-wife.  None.  I don't think about what could have been because it is resolved.  I'm re-married, and although there is still the lingering problem of having to deal with my ex-wife relating to the children and what she puts them through, and my own emotional issues with that, I'm still far-from-perfect and yet immensely happy.  I can't even imagine ever wanting to go back to a relationship that was more like slavery than a marriage.

So, let this serve to give you some hope.  Time + effort + God's grace + professional help does a lot.  You will get there.