Co-dependent meets BPD- the perfect storm

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, you're a caring, loving, compassionate person. You enjoy fixing things, mainly others. You rarely think of yourself. < You may, and PROBABLY had a parent not give you the attention or love you deserved growing up, one of them... .and now, here you are, an adult, unhealed wounds, but you function fine... .

you meet your BPD- its as if its magic! Fate! They gush about how you're so perfect together, you understand them SO well! Your fixer upper mode is ignited, along with your sex drive, and everything that makes sense in the world... .

except... .

its their world, not yours... .your falling into. A terrible trap, a downward spiral with a long way back up, you just don't know it yet. you have fallen into the clutches of a BPD with a billion issues it seems. Poor thing you think. Who could love him/her. I will!  But they dont know how to love you. You believe you will teach them... .they are MUCH more damaged than they led you to believe but you're already in deep now. and red flags are going up everywhere. Your friends and family and concerned. You listen to no one and yet you know youre a rational person. You finally after 3 years later... .find the courage to walk away. They now are texting sad faces and luring u back. But you won't go. Why won't you?  Whats stopping you this time.   Ok- your turn. That was me... .how about you?

[bradycat1971]

Well, you're a caring, loving, compassionate person. You enjoy fixing things, mainly others. You rarely think of yourself. < You may, and PROBABLY had a parent not give you the attention or love you deserved growing up, one of them... .and now, here you are, an adult, unhealed wounds, but you function fine... .

you meet your BPD- its as if its magic! Fate! They gush about how you're so perfect together, you understand them SO well! Your fixer upper mode is ignited, along with your sex drive, and everything that makes sense in the world... .

except... .

its their world, not yours... .your falling into. A terrible trap, a downward spiral with a long way back up, you just don't know it yet. you have fallen into the clutches of a BPD with a billion issues it seems. Poor thing you think. Who could love him/her. I will!  But they dont know how to love you. You believe you will teach them... .they are MUCH more damaged than they led you to believe but you're already in deep now. and red flags are going up everywhere. Your friends and family and concerned. You listen to no one and yet you know youre a rational person. You finally after 3 years later... .find the courage to walk away. They now are texting sad faces and luring u back. But you won't go. Why won't you?  Whats stopping you this time.   Ok- your turn. That was me... .how about you?

[hopealways]

I couldn't have said it better myself.  :'(

[Teereese]

Well, you're a caring, loving, compassionate person. You enjoy fixing things, mainly others. You rarely think of yourself. < You may, and PROBABLY had a parent not give you the attention or love you deserved growing up, one of them... .and now, here you are, an adult, unhealed wounds, but you function fine... .

you meet your BPD- its as if its magic! Fate! They gush about how you're so perfect together, you understand them SO well! Your fixer upper mode is ignited, along with your sex drive, and everything that makes sense in the world... .

except... .

its their world, not yours... .your falling into. A terrible trap, a downward spiral with a long way back up, you just don't know it yet. you have fallen into the clutches of a BPD with a billion issues it seems. Poor thing you think. Who could love him/her. I will!  But they dont know how to love you. You believe you will teach them... .they are MUCH more damaged than they led you to believe but you're already in deep now. and red flags are going up everywhere. Your friends and family and concerned. You listen to no one and yet you know youre a rational person. You finally after 3 years later... .find the courage to walk away. They now are texting sad faces and luring u back. But you won't go. Why won't you?  Whats stopping you this time.   Ok- your turn. That was me... .how about you?

Took the words out of my mouth with the exception of after 22 years later. No sad faces or luring back because I made it clear that would never happen.

I have been recycled so many times. I allowed it. No more. Never again.

[wellnowonder]

Sounds like me, except this time I am leaving.  I have been waiting for this certainty and understanding for far too long.  11 years of marriage.  4 years of knowledge and addressing BPD.  6 or so months before it took an extramaritial partner of his to get him into counseling for what I'm sure he knows now is BPD.

It's not about him anymore. Nothing is stopping me or our children from happiness anymore.  Priorities are where they should have been since day one!

[Michelle27]

Definitely describes my relationship.  No recycle attempts since the final break off as I think all the "recycle" attempts happened  during the last year we were together when I wanted to end it (and he knew that) and he was desperately trying to keep me.  I kept some distance, but started detaching, and grieving the relationship while I waited to see proof that he meant what he said.  Of course, he could never do that even though I do think he wanted to badly.  I finally laid down a boundary and he crossed it which resulted in a therapeutic separation that lasted 3 months before I realized that I was too far detached, could never trust him again and was actually scared of him. I also got a taste of what non-chaos feels like during those 3 months and learned that I actually like living drama free. 

[dealingwithit]

Best description I have ever read. I have been with mine for 21 years... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey bradycat, Sure, I followed Alice down the rabbit hole and spent 16 years in BPD Wonderland, and nearly lost my head to the Queen of Hearts!  Family and friends were scratching their heads at my detour into craziness/nonsense.   Seriously, I suspect that most Nons have codependent tendencies, because you have to be a care-taker to hang with a pwBPD.  It took me a long time to realize that care taking is unhealthy for both the care giver and the care recipient.

I finally laid down a boundary and he crossed it which resulted in a therapeutic separation that lasted 3 months before I realized that I was too far detached, could never trust him again and was actually scared of him. I also got a taste of what non-chaos feels like during those 3 months and learned that I actually like living drama free.

Hey Michelle27, I can relate.  When I first separated from my BPDxW, it was odd to return home after work without the expectation of a confrontation.  I quickly adjusted, and discovered that I enjoy boring nights without drama.  [big sigh of relief].   

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

No luring back this time... .its called Restraining Order.

That doesn't mean I don't love him and miss him... .but the restraining order is as much for me as it is for him. Yes he gets arrested if he so much as sends one frowny face... .

But it has given me a boundary to adhere to. I have always been one to follow my heart and emotions and feelings... .and this gives me a more concrete boundary.  If I contact him, which is allowed, i would be breaking the DMZ. I don't want to break it. I am nearly 4 weeks out- and although mornings seem to be a hard time for me as we would always text a lot in the mornings if we weren't together. But if I break that... .it is only going to set me back.

I am beginning to breathe again and feel again and be myself again. I am singing again and working out again... .I am doing the things that make me happy and this time NO ONE will take it away from me.

My biggest wish in the whole wide world is that all of you who are struggling with NC or recycling is that you could get to where I am now. It hurt getting here... .it hurt a lot... .but you have to push through it... .you have to be persistent. You have to trust that there are better days ahead. Just because you have a bad day and all you want to do is show up on their porch saying "take me back!" doesn't mean you should. Cry, hit stuff, go for a walk, call a friend, shut off the world... .do whatever you need to do to get thru it... .i promise tomorrow is a better day because you confront your pain today.

[dealingwithit]

Yep, pretty much.

[Forteventur]

Everything matches, except there's no luring (I kinda wish there was), because apparently she already moved on to someone else as if we were nothing and I was horrible.

[Moorwen]

Same here, though i went after 40 days. Can say i dodged a bullet. Would take her back, would walk the earth for her, and swim an ocean, till i saw posts here and realized depths of what happen. I refuse to be anyones toy no matter how i felt with them. If you can't trust, if you can't count on such person (and i couldn't) the only guaranteed thing is loads of pain. I can kill myself better then she can, ty. No need to enter that maelstrom of misery and misfortune again. And yes, you said it all... .My story to a letter, except time that passed. She is now in NC and i'm too. If she reaches out at some point, she will find casual friendly person, not person who would sacrifice his life for her... .

[ShatteredSoul]

Well, you're a caring, loving, compassionate person. You enjoy fixing things, mainly others. You rarely think of yourself. < You may, and PROBABLY had a parent not give you the attention or love you deserved growing up, one of them... .and now, here you are, an adult, unhealed wounds, but you function fine... .

you meet your BPD- its as if its magic! Fate! They gush about how you're so perfect together, you understand them SO well! Your fixer upper mode is ignited, along with your sex drive, and everything that makes sense in the world... .

except... .

its their world, not yours... .your falling into. A terrible trap, a downward spiral with a long way back up, you just don't know it yet. you have fallen into the clutches of a BPD with a billion issues it seems. Poor thing you think. Who could love him/her. I will!  But they dont know how to love you. You believe you will teach them... .they are MUCH more damaged than they led you to believe but you're already in deep now. and red flags are going up everywhere. Your friends and family and concerned. You listen to no one and yet you know youre a rational person. You finally after 3 years later... .find the courage to walk away. They now are texting sad faces and luring u back. But you won't go. Why won't you?  Whats stopping you this time.   Ok- your turn. That was me... .how about you?

Sounds pretty accurate to me to. I was with my exBPDgf for 9 1/2 years though... .We recycled many times during the relationship. I'm now 3 1/2 months away from her. We had a huge argument and blow up. I can now say i'm sure i'm split black and hated forever. It's messed up i understand her more now after we broke up, i just wish i could have done more. So much hurt, so much pain... .