This is horrible and I'm not okay

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm six weeks out of a breakup. 

My ex has BPD.  I suspected this before, and it was confirmed by our couples therapist.  When triggered, hypersensitive, black and white thinking, terrible fear of abandonment, pushing and pulling, emotionally very labile, etc. 

I left because she was texting explcitly with someone, and had a history of keeping her exes around or interacting with people who were obviously interested in her, in a way that made me very uncomfortable.

I know my own weaknesses-- a soft spot for vulnerable people, something inside me that mistakes feeling needed for being loved.  I seem to make feasts of crumbs, so to speak, and I know that this comes from an early life of intense emotional deprivation.  I hated how she talked to me, how critical she was, how she felt she had the right to comment on everything.  A few of my friendships suffered because she was so hypersensitive when meeting my friends.  She had attempted a number of times to "find a community" but always found a reason not to go back, ranging from "they like you better than they like me" to "I'm not smart enough to belong here" to "I don't have kids, and these people don't have time for you if you don't have kids."

I couchsurfed for weeks after breaking up with her, and finally managed to get my stuff into a new place.  I cleaned out my bank account to do it. 

Flash forward to my trying to reconnect with people, since I was very isolated in our relationship.  I started organizing a group for people in our area, based in my city, for people who are in area programs like I am.  I should emphasize that she is not part of such a program.  However, the facebook group has a slightly larger mandate. 

I have added a number of my colleagues to the group-- people I work closely with, and people who I know in my professional work. 

She joined the group.  I told her that I am the organizer, and it makes me very uncomfortable because things are so contentious between us, and that there are other social spaces here.  She responded with what essentially amounts to an f you, don't tell me what to do, that's not what the group says, and we were going to start a community together. 

I don't know what to do.  I am trying my best to disengage and this feels horrible.  Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I was just getting my mental space back, becoming myself again after not having that available to me because so much of my energy was bound up in the relationship for so long.  It feels like that all over again-- so much real estate in my head, feeling like my energy is being drained from me again.  I know this is partly how much she is under my skin, but I am trying to simply get the hell away from her and she is making it impossible.  And now, incursion onto what I consider to be my space, where I have colleagues, is making me horribly nervous.  Especially when this was something new, and a remedy to the isolation I expereinced in the relationship-- it's like that is happenign all over again.

Would love your thoughts.  I suspect it may sound like small potatoes, but after the 2.5 years of history and feeling like this almost constantly, I wonder if I will ever be able to get away from her.



 

[vertigoflash]

I'm six weeks out of a breakup. 

My ex has BPD.  I suspected this before, and it was confirmed by our couples therapist.  When triggered, hypersensitive, black and white thinking, terrible fear of abandonment, pushing and pulling, emotionally very labile, etc. 

I left because she was texting explcitly with someone, and had a history of keeping her exes around or interacting with people who were obviously interested in her, in a way that made me very uncomfortable.

I know my own weaknesses-- a soft spot for vulnerable people, something inside me that mistakes feeling needed for being loved.  I seem to make feasts of crumbs, so to speak, and I know that this comes from an early life of intense emotional deprivation.  I hated how she talked to me, how critical she was, how she felt she had the right to comment on everything.  A few of my friendships suffered because she was so hypersensitive when meeting my friends.  She had attempted a number of times to "find a community" but always found a reason not to go back, ranging from "they like you better than they like me" to "I'm not smart enough to belong here" to "I don't have kids, and these people don't have time for you if you don't have kids."

I couchsurfed for weeks after breaking up with her, and finally managed to get my stuff into a new place.  I cleaned out my bank account to do it. 

Flash forward to my trying to reconnect with people, since I was very isolated in our relationship.  I started organizing a group for people in our area, based in my city, for people who are in area programs like I am.  I should emphasize that she is not part of such a program.  However, the facebook group has a slightly larger mandate. 

I have added a number of my colleagues to the group-- people I work closely with, and people who I know in my professional work. 

She joined the group.  I told her that I am the organizer, and it makes me very uncomfortable because things are so contentious between us, and that there are other social spaces here.  She responded with what essentially amounts to an f you, don't tell me what to do, that's not what the group says, and we were going to start a community together. 

I don't know what to do.  I am trying my best to disengage and this feels horrible.  Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done.  I was just getting my mental space back, becoming myself again after not having that available to me because so much of my energy was bound up in the relationship for so long.  It feels like that all over again-- so much real estate in my head, feeling like my energy is being drained from me again.  I know this is partly how much she is under my skin, but I am trying to simply get the hell away from her and she is making it impossible.  And now, incursion onto what I consider to be my space, where I have colleagues, is making me horribly nervous.  Especially when this was something new, and a remedy to the isolation I expereinced in the relationship-- it's like that is happenign all over again.

Would love your thoughts.  I suspect it may sound like small potatoes, but after the 2.5 years of history and feeling like this almost constantly, I wonder if I will ever be able to get away from her.



 

[MSNYC]

Wow, that really stinks. I can't believe how viciously she is trying to invade your circle, a space you've created to heal. Do you have people in this new circle you can disclose to honestly (without sounding petty or catty) that she is invading your space, that it's no longer a safe space? Can you start another FB group that has strong privacy setting and you get to decide who joins it or is able to see it?

[Turkish]

That's an invasion of boundaries, especially hurtful since she told you off. Given that you own the group, can you block her from it, or do you fear negative feedback if she starts causing problems behind the scenes?

[vertigoflash]

Hi folks, thanks for your responses. 

I tried to bring this up to the group co-organizers, but found I didn't quite have the words.  I am one of three organizers.  I think that they feel weird about just all out blocking someone from the group, and they're relatively new acquaintances, and I was reluctant to fully disclose why this made me feel so anxious because I don't know them well.

I am not sure how to do this without sounding catty, and also feel very bad that this is still following me around-- I know it isn't but it feels like my shame.  And drama-- so much frigging drama which I hate that I'm bringing in, so early. 

Maybe something like this? 

What was difficult to say yesterday, and still is, is how terribly hard it was for me to leave the relationship.  It was very toxic for me.  It has been extremely difficult to detatch.  After a month of not having a place to live, I finally was able to start reclaiming my mental and emotional space when I moved into my own apartment.  Rebuilding my social networks on campus was a part of that, since I felt very isolated for a lot of the relationship, including from some of my own friends. 

I can't help but wonder that her being so insistent on joining a space where I'm meeting new people, queer people in particular, is intentional-- in our last few conversations, references were made to "all my new friends" and I finally had to tell her to stop asking me if I was dating anyone, because it wasn't any of her business.  We're trying to resolve outstanding issues, but I feel like when one thing is tied up something else becomes an issue, whether it's my stuff, this, or other things. 

I know this is a lot to disclose, and I didn't expect to bring this into this space, and I hate that it has come up.  But her unwillingness to respect the request I made to her is telling to me, and an extension of problems we had more broadly in our relationship and behavior that I have found difficult before.  I know that the mandate of the group is that it's mainly for [people in programs like ours], as well as a little broader.  I understand if we want to keep it that way.  However, it doesn't feel like a safe space for me at the moment, not least because her last response to me was quite hostile. 

I'm trying to put down boundaries with her, but it's been very difficult.  If it comes down to a choice, I may have to bow out of organizing, because I'm trying to not invite more difficulty into my life.  It's been a long 2.5 years and I'm just trying to do my best to disentangle.  I may have to restrict my participation to events held just on my campus, since at least there's more of a boundary there. 


... idk, how does that sound to you guys? 

[MSNYC]

I think brevity will be key here, if you don't know these folks all that well. You could say something like, She is a very sick person and the relationship had it's toxic moments. While you don't want to get into details or bash her, you are also concerned with your well-being and protecting some very necessary boundaries. And that, while you don't want to bow out of this group, you would do so if she were an integral part of it. Definitely say the safe space thing (though in activist spaces it's become a dumb cottage industry to say that and it ends up alienating everyone), and you can even mention that you're deliberately trying to build community right now as you deal with the fallout of this relationship.

The only reason I say not to send out a 4 paragraph explanation is cuz, well, no one's got the mental energy to mull over your life situation quite that much except maybe your best homeslice.

[vertigoflash]

that is an excellent point. thankyou!