A year out

[Invictus01]

This weekend will be a year since "the love of my life", after two weeks of completely bizarre behavior that followed 6 months of "wow, I can't believe this, I found my soulmate, is this girlie for real?" type of a deal where we stayed in daily and constant contact... .without a fight or disagreement or any other reason I can think of, a month after introducing me to her parents and planning to ditch her family to spend Thanksgiving with me, pronounced me her "friend" in a 3 sentence text, threw away my presents to her and disappeared. What followed was the most painful emotional and mental experience I have ever had and hopefully will ever have. I am old and experienced enough to know that there is no point in begging or pleading or running after a woman when she walks away, especially when she walks away like this, without even trying to explain herself. Absolutely zero point. So, I didn't. I walked away from the "love of my life" without saying a word although it felt like "the love of my life" died in a car accident. My brain for the longest time refused to reconcile what just happened to me. It would flicker between a suicide and ordering a hit on her (and I am not even kidding). I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep most of the nights, I would have absolutely nutty emotional breakdowns once a week when I could feel stuff build up inside of me and I would be on the floor uncontrollably crying because that was the only way I could release what was building up inside of me. My friends thought I went nuts, started suggesting I go visit a psychologist (which I eventually did). For good 3 months, I couldn't do anything at work, couldn't concentrate on anything, my brain turned into complete jello. All I could think of was - "I need to fast forward this a few months, it gotta be better on the other side of this"

She did get back in touch with me. First 6 weeks later wishing me Merry Christmas. Seeing that text made me literally nauseous, like I was about to vomit... .and put me back to square one for a couple of days. I didn't respond. 2 months later, I was learning like a nut about personality disorders, I started feeling bad because I thought I was harming her because I didn't talk to her, I was abandoning her. I sent her a text explaining to her a few things. I received a pretty dry and and harsh response, so I let it be. She showed up again a couple of months later, all nice and cheery, asking me how I was and all that (the one and only time after the declaration of friendship she actually cared to ask me how I was). We stayed in LC for a while and even met up... .at the end, 8 months after damn near killing me, she told me she was sorry (I started to think that word doesn't exist in her vocabulary). We stayed in touch after that meeting for a couple of months. That's as long as I was willing to talk about her and her problems and constantly cheer her up and console her about all the bad things that were happening in her life (which actually I did when we were together too). She could care less about me and what was going with me. Never once asked me or showed any interest. I got tired of it and haven't talked to her in close to 3 months.

This weekend was probably gonna be rather crappy for me. Don't get me wrong, I have no illusions about being with her, have no desire to patch up things with her. But still, kinda tough to erase memories of something that was so real and so fake at the same time. But... .this weekend isn't going to be anything like that. As of a couple of weeks ago, I have somebody in my life. He is four legged, orange and looks like a cat. He completely ruined my Halloween night bar hopping when I run into the tiny orange ass while walking to my next bar destination. There was a long story of what happened that night and the morning after but to make a long story short, there is a pet adoption agreement signed with my name and a chip in him that shows me as his owner. For a guy who has never even had a gold fish in his life, wasn't even contemplating getting a pet, never considered himself to be a pet person, this is something completely bat $hit crazy... .but I just couldn't walk by him. Maybe I am officially a rescuer too.

Anyway for anybody who just got here - it gets better. When and how long it will take? Who knows. Just whatever you do - protect yourself and walk away, no matter how tough it might be. It will never work, at least not how a normal relationship is supposed to work.

[itgirl]

Thank you so much for sharing your progress.  I am out a few months but still LC due to financial responsibilities.  1 December we will have no ties with one another. 

My ex of 4 years replaced me and after 3 weeks of knowing the replacement they are now engaged.  The poor new sod.  I was hurt and I cried.  But somehow that gave me closure.  I am out of the FOG now and I can see the red flags and unhealthy behaviours. 

I just want to let everyone know that it does get better.  I am going to the gym.  Meeting with all the friends that I was isolated from.  And after 3 months I can say that my mood has lifted.  Anxiety is almost gone.  I feel lighter and am FREE.