Triggered by BPD Student

[SummerStorm]

As most of you know, I worked with my former friend BPD.  Last year, she had a student in class who has been diagnosed with BPD.  I had that student in class when she was a freshman (she is a senior this year).  I only just recently found out about her diagnosis, after mentioning my former friend's diagnosis to the emotional support teacher at work.  

But anyway, this student has always been pretty attached to me, and it never really bothered me that much because I put the same boundaries in place with her as I do with all of my other students.  Also, since she was diagnosed early and not only has supports at school but also therapy outside of school, she has improved dramatically since her freshman year.

On the day before she tried to commit suicide, my former friend actually mentioned this student to me and eerily said, "Yeah, she'll probably end up majoring in science like I did and then have a mental breakdown like I did" (referring to her first suicide attempt).  Less than two weeks later, our friendship was over.

Since learning about BPD and going through what I went through with my former friend, I find myself being triggered by this student quite often because she is SO MUCH like my former friend.  Just yesterday, she came by my room and said, "I miss you!"  Today, she came by and said, "I love you!"  Now, students say they love me all the time and some even call me "Mom," but with her, it triggers me because I know she's borderline and because she also really liked my former friend.  They both also love Harry Potter.

There isn't really an easy solution to this problem, and I'm not even sure what the point of this post is, but this whole situation definitely hurts the detaching process.

*Edited because this English teacher found a typo* 

[Learning_curve74]

Hey SummerStorm, it sounds like you are being very insightful about your situation. Sounds natural for you to be triggered by this BPD student after what you went through with your BPD friend.

We can't always avoid uncomfortable situations and negative feelings. Have you thought about ways to cope and soothe yourself when faced with being triggered?

[cloudten]

This is something I am really struggling with myself as I am figuring out my own issues.

I think I am realizing that my mom has NPD. I have been struggling with how to love my mom after realizing that I have never really loved my mother.

I don't really have any advice for you here, just empathy... .other than most people do not know how to love unhealthy people.

You will have to figure out some sort of healthy coping mechanism and self soothing mechanism.

How exactly is it triggering you? Are you negative toward the student?

[SummerStorm]

This is something I am really struggling with myself as I am figuring out my own issues.

I think I am realizing that my mom has NPD. I have been struggling with how to love my mom after realizing that I have never really loved my mother.

I don't really have any advice for you here, just empathy... .other than most people do not know how to love unhealthy people.

You will have to figure out some sort of healthy coping mechanism and self soothing mechanism.

How exactly is it triggering you? Are you negative toward the student?

No, it's more like I'm taken back in time, to around April or so, when my former friend BPD would walk into my classroom, hug me, and say "I love you" or when she would tell me she misses me. 

Also, yesterday, I reminded the student that she still had this snake thing from Harry Potter that she borrowed to use in an art class, and she said, "I'll return it.  It's not like I'm going to steal it from you or anything."  This was almost exactly, word for word, what my former friend BPD said to me when I reminded her that she still had three shirts that she borrowed from me. 

[balletomane]

I find myself being triggered by this student quite often because she is SO MUCH like my former friend.  Just yesterday, she came by my room and said, "I miss you!"  Today, she came by and said, "I love you!"  Now, students say they love me all the time and some even call me "Mom," but with her, it triggers me because I know she's borderline and because she also really liked my former friend.  They both also love Harry Potter.

The bolded part jumped out for me. You say yourself that this student is only doing what other students are doing (and to a much lesser extent - she isn't calling you Mom). So it's not her behaviour that's bothering you. It's because you know her diagnosis, as you say yourself. I think this knowledge is causing you to make some exaggerated comparisons and actively seek out links to your friend. But lots of people absolutely love Harry Potter, so saying she's similar to your friend on that count is like saying, "She and my former friend are so similar, they both have two legs." When you catch yourself making these comparisons, I think you need to remind yourself firmly that your student is her own person, not a carbon copy of your friend, and go on treating her as you would any other student.

I'm concerned that the emotional support teacher would just disclose a student's diagnosis to you like that in the middle of a casual conversation about your former friend, as that's personal information and it might upset the student (rightly so) to know she was being discussed in any other context than how best to support her in her studies. To be honest it sounds like you and the support teacher have been breaching some boundaries here, and that you are now doing 'secondary projection' - attributing your friend's difficulties and traits to your student. What your friend did to you and how she hurt you is nothing to do with your student and I think you need to actively push back against any temptations to compare them or to discuss the similarities with colleagues. If similarities are upsetting you, take it to a therapist - don't share your concerns with people who also see and work with this student, as that isn't fair to her.

[cloudten]

So it is sort of a little post-traumatic stress? Glad to hear you aren't taking it out on the student.

I never cease to be amazed at how similar pwBPD can behave with each other.

What do you do for yourself when you are triggered?

[SummerStorm]

I find myself being triggered by this student quite often because she is SO MUCH like my former friend.  Just yesterday, she came by my room and said, "I miss you!"  Today, she came by and said, "I love you!"  Now, students say they love me all the time and some even call me "Mom," but with her, it triggers me because I know she's borderline and because she also really liked my former friend.  They both also love Harry Potter.

The bolded part jumped out for me. You say yourself that this student is only doing what other students are doing (and to a much lesser extent - she isn't calling you Mom). So it's not her behaviour that's bothering you. It's because you know her diagnosis, as you say yourself. I think this knowledge is causing you to make some exaggerated comparisons and actively seek out links to your friend. But lots of people absolutely love Harry Potter, so saying she's similar to your friend on that count is like saying, "She and my former friend are so similar, they both have two legs." When you catch yourself making these comparisons, I think you need to remind yourself firmly that your student is her own person, not a carbon copy of your friend, and go on treating her as you would any other student.

I'm concerned that the emotional support teacher would just disclose a student's diagnosis to you like that in the middle of a casual conversation about your former friend, as that's personal information and it might upset the student (rightly so) to know she was being discussed in any other context than how best to support her in her studies. To be honest it sounds like you and the support teacher have been breaching some boundaries here, and that you are now doing 'secondary projection' - attributing your friend's difficulties and traits to your student. What your friend did to you and how she hurt you is nothing to do with your student and I think you need to actively push back against any temptations to compare them or to discuss the similarities with colleagues. If similarities are upsetting you, take it to a therapist - don't share your concerns with people who also see and work with this student, as that isn't fair to her.

I had the student in class, and that information is in her IEP, which can be accessed by any certified teacher.  These aren't exaggerated comparisons.  This student had my former friend as a teacher, related to her, idealized her, and still talks about her.  

I find it a bit offensive that you are downplaying this, as you know neither the student nor my former friend.  I have known the student for four years.  She has displayed these behaviors for four years.  I have discussed these behaviors periodically with her emotional support teachers for four years.  

Yes, lots of people like Harry Potter.  The snake thing is a holder for a wand, and my former friend BPD put it all together for me when I got it.  Now, the student has borrowed it.  It's a trigger.  Just because you think it's not doesn't mean it isn't.  

And yes, other students say they love me, but they say it in a casual way.  She first started saying that to me her freshman year, a few weeks after school started.  The students who call me "Mom" are ones I've developed a special rapport with, and I had them in class for two years.  I've helped them apply for college.  I've read the papers they've written for other teachers.  So, in many ways, I am like a parent figure to them.  

The disclosure of her diagnosis wasn't in the middle of a "casual" conversation.  The ES teacher worked with my former friend, discussed the student with my former friend, and knew that her student idealized my former friend.  She also knew that my former friend was in the hospital back in June and asked if she was okay.  As I knew the teacher would be familiar with BPD and because I am no longer friends with my former friend and will never speak to her/see her again, I told her that she was diagnosed with BPD.  Her reply was, "That doesn't surprise me.  She has a lot of the same behaviors as [student name]."

I never said that I have any problem interacting with the student, in terms of avoiding her or treating her negatively.  However, when someone who was close to my former friend and has the same disorder as my former friend walks up to me and does/says something that my former friend used to do/say, in the same way she would do/say it, it's a trigger.  

When my former friend was planning on moving across the country, she texted me and told me to give that student a hug for her.  

So yes, they are different people, but the idealization is similar, they knew each other, and the student still mentions my former friend sometimes.

I also never said anything about comparing my former friend to my former student and discussing them in the same conversation with the emotional support teacher, so I'm not sure where you are getting that from.  All I said was that I mentioned my former friend's diagnosis to someone who is familiar with the disorder and that person informed me that a former student of mine has the same diagnosis.  It's not as if she just randomly provides this information to anyone.  She knows that I have a history with the student, a solid understanding of the disorder, and know someone with the disorder.  

[balletomane]

I'm not downplaying your triggers. I get triggered by people using the same phrases as my ex used - "now or at any other time" used to provoke a near-visceral reaction in me, and I still get bad memories when I hear it. But this does not mean I would try to associate that phrase itself with BPD.

I used to teach and I would have been uncomfortable if my students told me they loved me or called me mom, and it certainly would be discouraged by anywhere I've ever worked in. So from my perspective it looks as though you are OK with students pushing professional boundaries as a general rule (two years is not a long time to know someone before allowing them to call you Mom, and helping with college apps is a normal thing for teachers to do, not something that turns you into a parent) but then you get upset and triggered when a student with BPD behaves in a similar way. You might perceive her behaviour as different, but if she sees you allowing other students to call you Mom and tell you they love you, it's going to be difficult for her to grasp why it's OK for them to do that and not OK for her to do as she does.

You are triggered because the student with BPD borrowed the snake-shaped wand holder - but, as the authority figure, you do have the power to tell her that no, she can't take it. She does not need your possessions to pass her art class, surely. If you didn't feel comfortable telling her not to take it, is this typical of your classroom approach generally - do you prefer to be informal and not have a lot of rules? If you do, that's OK, but you need to think about how teenagers in general and young people with borderline difficulties in particular might react to that. It could be better for your own emotional health to set firmer rules. It is your classroom and you do have some control there.

It's true that no one here knows each other's full situation. We can only respond to the information given, and you wrote, "I only just recently found out about her diagnosis, after mentioning my former friend's diagnosis to the emotional support teacher at work." This does make it sound as though you were talking about your friend and her diagnosis and then the support teacher decided to divulge info on this student, meaning that it's recent news to you. You also explicitly wrote that the student's behaviour triggers you because you know she has BPD, which suggests that it is your prior associations that are troubling you, not the behaviour in and of itself. So it seems like the logical response to that is to challenge your thought processes around this student. This doesn't mean I don't think your triggers are real.

[SummerStorm]

I'm not downplaying your triggers. I get triggered by people using the same phrases as my ex used - "now or at any other time" used to provoke a near-visceral reaction in me, and I still get bad memories when I hear it. But this does not mean I would try to associate that phrase itself with BPD.

I used to teach and I would have been uncomfortable if my students told me they loved me or called me mom, and it certainly would be discouraged by anywhere I've ever worked in. So from my perspective it looks as though you are OK with students pushing professional boundaries as a general rule (two years is not a long time to know someone before allowing them to call you Mom, and helping with college apps is a normal thing for teachers to do, not something that turns you into a parent) but then you get upset and triggered when a student with BPD behaves in a similar way. You might perceive her behaviour as different, but if she sees you allowing other students to call you Mom and tell you they love you, it's going to be difficult for her to grasp why it's OK for them to do that and not OK for her to do as she does.

Then, you obviously worked in a much different district.  I work in a small, rural district where everyone knows everyone.  My cousins went there, and many teachers live in the district and have students in the schools.  Some students at my school even call the principal "Mom," and she has told many stories of how students in her previous district did the same.  One of the social studies teachers at my school is also called "Mom" by many students.  I have taught under four different principals, and I have never once had one object to students calling teachers "Mom."  It's not as if I am communicating with students outside of the normal school day or doing anything other than helping them with assignments and essays for their 12th grade English class.  The difference between the BPD student and other students is that she stops by and tells me she misses me after she's already seen me at least once that day.  The other students don't go out of their way to track me down or stop by my room every day.  If I see them in the hallway, great.  If not, okay.  You act as if students are constantly hanging around me, telling me they love me.  I might hear it from other students once a month, if that.  I hear it from her almost every day.  Also, she does not see me interact with other students, other than the ones I have in class right now, and I barely know those students.   Most of the students who call me "Mom" are seniors and a few are in dual enrollment and are only at school for a few hours a day. 

You are triggered because the student with BPD borrowed the snake-shaped wand holder - but, as the authority figure, you do have the power to tell her that no, she can't take it. She does not need your possessions to pass her art class, surely. If you didn't feel comfortable telling her not to take it, is this typical of your classroom approach generally - do you prefer to be informal and not have a lot of rules? If you do, that's OK, but you need to think about how teenagers in general and young people with borderline difficulties in particular might react to that. It could be better for your own emotional health to set firmer rules. It is your classroom and you do have some control there.

The fact that she borrowed it is not what triggered me.  It's the fact that her response to not returning it yet was almost word-for-word what my former friend said to me when she was in the psych ward and I visited her.  I think it's hilarious that you assume that I have no rules.  Generally speaking, students tend to complain about me because I don't let them get away with anything in class.  I'm the teacher who makes sure that they are only drinking water in a clear bottle, not eating in class, and not using their phones for anything other than school work.  There are teachers in my building who don't even make seating charts and make sure every student gets an "A" or a "B," so that the teacher doesn't look bad.  That's not me.  The student was completing a stop-motion animation project and needed some Harry Potter figures, which she knew I had.  She returned all but one of them weeks ago. 

It's true that no one here knows each other's full situation. We can only respond to the information given, and you wrote, "I only just recently found out about her diagnosis, after mentioning my former friend's diagnosis to the emotional support teacher at work." This does make it sound as though you were talking about your friend and her diagnosis and then the support teacher decided to divulge info on this student, meaning that it's recent news to you. You also explicitly wrote that the student's behaviour triggers you because you know she has BPD, which suggests that it is your prior associations that are troubling you, not the behaviour in and of itself. So it seems like the logical response to that is to challenge your thought processes around this student. This doesn't mean I don't think your triggers are real.

The official BPD diagnosis is news to me.  Her behavior is not.  And yes, it's the fact that the behavior is coming from a pwBPD.  We all know how idealization works, and I saw it happen with her and my former friend.  Other students respect boundaries.  They know not to follow me on social media and not to e-mail me about things that aren't related to academics.  She does not.