Feeling mad at wife's family.

[wundress]

I feel furious this evening at my wife's family... .they are so ignorant and self centred! Been lying in bed for hours now trying my best not to message them a long rant about their failings. So I thought I would post what I would say to them here to avoid causing damage and to hopefully get some advice. Admin please delete if not appropriate.

"To x,

I don't know what right you think you have to the sympathy vote. You never learn do you? Your daughter is in crisis due, in part to your failings as a family.  You think you are such an open family but I have never met a family with as many secrets as yours. I have been keeping Z's confidence for 5 years now but that is nothing to the lifetime she has been holding it all in. To her it is like a death sentence.

Whilst you are feeling sorry for yourselves that your daughter won't talk to you, ponder on this... .

As a child she witnessed her mother getting drunk aas often as possible with no thought about her children. Eventually mother decided to have an affair which led to her parents divorcing. Your daughter remembers moving from house to house. She missed her father who she idolised and missed stability. Whilst on one of mother's drunken nights out mother finds a new bloke to move in with her children. This bloke beat your daughter and used to lock her in a dark room and take the door handle off. Around the same time she remembers her beloved dogs being taken away by the RSPCA with no explanation to her.

Whilst mother went on further drunken nights out your daughter was sent to her great grandfather's house for the weekend. He too was an alcoholic. He sexually abused your daughter. Even when she protested to you and cried and screamed that she didn't want to go, not once did you question why

This man manipulated your daughter, took her innocence and tried to take away the few good things in her life. This continued for around 3 years

To this day she can smell the alcohol and tabaco from his breath.

Around age 10 she started smoking and quickly progressed to  cannabis and became heavily addictf in order to block out the past. Around the same  age she remembers having to bring mother home from the pub after she refused to be brought home by father (after you had rekindled your relationship). She also became involved in petty crime and hanging around with men four times her age who were heavy criminals.

For five years she was addicted to weed. You did nothing to prevent it. She used to run away from home and the police would be sent for her. One time around age 14 she spent the night in the cells at your insistence. Still you took no responsibility or asked any questions. Shortly after this you decided to put her into care. It was only by the gracr of the extended family that she was saved that fate. You would have happily abdicated your responsibility.

She moved out and got herself clean of drugs. All by herself! You have never given her any credit for this.

After she had made peace with you, mother, you took her to Spain on a hen weekend. Yes, aged 15 and on an adult holiday. Her so-called friends went too. Whilst mother was getting drunk in the bar, your daughter was getting drunk with her friends in a room. There were also several unknown men in that room getting drunk with these young girls. Your daughter passed out on the bed. The friends and men left. Only one man didn't.  That night your daughter was horrendously raped whilst you were getting drunk. Next morning you didn't even notice the pain your daughter was in.

She never told a soul until she met me four years later. For some reason you despised me. Believe me it is nothing compared to my hatred of you. How do you think it made your daughter feel when she had to be taken to a clinic by me to be tested for STD's because she had no idea whether her rapist had worn a condom? How do you think she feels when you go on about what an awful child she was and how she was so lucky not to be put in care?

I am sick of the excuses made for your bad behaviour. I am sick of taking the blame because your daughter can no longer cope. I am sick of hearing about her "poor parents". Take some responsibility. Start caring about your daughter who has kept this from you, ironically,  because she didn't want to hurt your feelings!"

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Turkish]

That's a brutal story of abuse and neglect. I can see why you are furious.

What do you feel the reaction will be if you send it, and will you and your wife be safe? Does she know you want to send this?

[wundress]

Part of me wants them to feel some of the pain my wife feels. I want them to stop their self pity. I want the wider family to accept that my partner's illness is serious. I want them to stop blaming me as well. They seem to think my wife has left the marriage because of me rather than because she has BPD and can't cope with what happened to her. As a family they constantly seem to protect her mother and make excuses for her behaviour.

I've been trying to protect my partner from how I feel about her parents. If she knew I wanted to send this she would be angry and afraid. That said she nearly told them about the rape this week. But she wanted to do it to hurt them. I ended up talking her out of it as she would end up being the one hurt. They would probably reject her.

[wundress]

I read the letter to my wife today.  She completely understood and asked if she could have a copy of it because I put it better than she could.

[waverider]

I read the letter to my wife today.  She completely understood and asked if she could have a copy of it because I put it better than she could.

This is the real importance of letters like this, as they structure our thoughts, or in this case you have done it for her, and validated her by putting it in your words.

However, sending things like this only escalates what is most likely beyond repair anyway.

It is better for you both to focus on disengaging physically and mentally from toxic influences rather than engaging them.

I have similar issues with my wifes family. It is hard to let go of the need to "let it out", it will take time, but more conflict is not going to make your lot any easier

[wundress]

So do you think I should encourage her to see less of her family? She always seems to come away from them feeling frustrated. She told me yesterday that it's like a compulsive need to see them but when she does it reinforces her dislike for them. I jokingly called her a masochist. 

[waverider]

So do you think I should encourage her to see less of her family? She always seems to come away from them feeling frustrated. She told me yesterday that it's like a compulsive need to see them but when she does it reinforces her dislike for them. I jokingly called her a masochist.  

It is an unsated need she has. It has been called an inability to cut the umbilical chord. Having never "bonded" in the first place she can't them move on to independence, which is natural progression. Instead she is stuck trying form this bond which never happened, and which is never going to happen.

It is almost like self harm. It is self feeding, it creates drama, and yes she is also a participant in this. Almost like the kid who keeps rattling a cage and making the dogs bark, and then runs to a rescuer (you) which is then validating.

I am sick to death of hearing my wife talk about FOO issues and yes where there is smoke there is fire but pwBPD know how to maximize that smoke.

It will be hard for her to disengage, but it has to start with you, and I know how hard that is even for you as all this toxic stuff seeps under your skin and you need someone to blame too. But how bitter is it making you feeling this way? Confrontation is not going to resolve it, only escalate it.

Validate and support her with her issues, but try not to get involved in going over and over the details of issues, that simply consolidates it rather than soothes.

[wundress]

I think I see what you mean.

I told her I find it hard to be around them but I will for her sake if that's what she wants. I don't want tl be involved in their drama and won't be making much of an effort with them. In the past I've not been able to be myself around them and I acted like a chameleon in order to gain their approval. It was a stupid thing to do because I don't much care for their approval anyway. Frankly, we are from very different class backgrounds and they behave in ways I don't find acceptable.

I've asked her to consider taking a step back from them for the sake of her own recovery. I gave her my opinion which is that whilst she sees them and gets annoyed by them it keeps bringing up the past for her and hinders her progress. For instance there was a family birthday party she went to and her mother got drunk. My partner told her straight that she found her drunkeness disgusting and that she wasn't going to stay any longer. She left straight away and came to stay with me. I think it frightened her how strongly she felt about her.

[Lostindirt]

Wundress,

I don't know my girlfriend's story anywhere near that well, but from what I do know I can completely empathize with your anger.  The most painful part to me is that the abusers seem to carry on with a normalish life rutting in their own scum and happily oblivious to the pain they pass on. These crimes too often go unanswered in any meaningful way. Then those of us who have the maturity and patient/codependent  (masochistic?) personalities pay for their crimes by bearing witness to all the pain and dysfunction they have caused. COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED ANGER. 

[waverider]

Victim personalities can't abandon their persecutors, rescuers cant abandon their victims, this keeps the rescuer locked in  a toxic triangle with the persecutor. This brings balance to the victim and hence no real motivation to move from survive to thrive ambition.

Every now the the victim will prod the persecutor to engage the rescuer and keep the whole dynamic spinning. The victim will repeat the same provocation in a deluded expectation that the outcome may be different.

They like the ongoing act of being rescued, which is different to having been rescued as completed event... This is the basis of victimization neediness, it provokes outrage in the rescuer, which validates the victim.

There maybe no smoke without fire but pwBPD know all about putting green leaves on the fire to maximize smoke. They even keep a box of matches in their pocket.

If the persecutor leaves the scene they will find another, it may even be the rescuer, especially if the rescuer stops their supply of rescuing. That is abandonment.