Moment of Clarity

[Beacher]

I have been posting many things here about my BPD husband, my daughters wedding, his affair I found out about 1 week before the wedding. He was incredibly kind for the first time in over a year that week- I'm sure out of guilt but even though he did this awful thing to me, I still had a glimmer of hope we could somehow work it out. The love, what we have built together, all we have been through with sickness and deaths and good and bad times.

After the wedding the shock started wearing off and I saw us heading back to our old argumentive ways, even though he has moved out and felt we needed time and the holidays to try to regroup. I have moments of terrible sadness, one in particular because every single month on the 2nd for 10 years ( I'm serious!) he has given me a card and small gift to recognize the day we met. That stopped in the summer and tonight I found out that on what would have been the official 10 year mark, 7/2, was the day he took this woman to Canada and spent the night weekend with her.its so incredibly sadistic and horrible, but also exactly what this hideous BPD is about- not me. I have this need to talk about it and vent and let him know how terribly he has hurt me, and all I get is " you're just trying to use this as an excuse to ignore our marital problems, and you need to look in the mirror, not always blame me." He went on a character assassination of me for a good 1/2 hour screaming for me to shut up every time I tried to interject. From name calling, I recklessly texted, my stupid f--kin posts on FB, I did despicable things to people at my daughters wedding, and finally I treated him badly while I tried to take care of him after his spinal surgery and while his father was dying ( I took this poor man to the ER, Drs apps, set up hospice, you name it). He screamed he was calling his lawyer to file and I said ' fine' and hung up. I can't do it anymore. I am finally seeing a lawyer Monday to get things going. He has texted me and wants to chalk it up to a bad morning, and left several messages. For the first time I am going NC, very very sad so close to the holidays but I just can't do it another year. Also found out I have a herniated disc and can barely walk, will lose pay at work and god knows how will get through the surgery living alone ( I do have friends and family, thank god) , but I will have ME. And right now, that's ok.

[ArleighBurke]

What a tough decision to make. After 10 years of being with someone I can imagine it would be the hardest thing to do. But it sounds like it is time. Time for you to decide what is best for you.

Good luck. Keep us posted. 

[Reforming]

Hi Beacher,

I'm so sorry to hear about the painful time you're going through. Ending a longterm relationship where you share a troubled history can be so painful, sad and so difficult. And it's even harder when you'r struggling with other life issues

I found it incredibly difficult to end my relationship. It was one of the hardest and most painful decisions of my life.

I'm not going to pretend that everything magically gets better or that you won't be left with doubts or questions. I think that's true of any really hard choice, but you can learn to live with your choice and recognise that it is very painful it is the right one for you. 

The end of relationship, especially when there's been infidelity, leaves a lot of open wounds and it takes time and work to heal them. Try to be gentle to yourself, but don't be afraid to look for help from friends, family and if you have any access to it professional guidance.

I found abstaining from alcohol, exercise (I know this is very difficult for you right now), journalling, therapy and connecting with my family all really helped

It's tough road, especially when you're feeling physically vulnerable, but it will get better if you can be kind to yourself and rediscover your strengths

Keep posting and sharing. There are many members here who want to help and support you

All the best

Reforming.

[Michelle27]

I know how tough of a position you are in now.  It's rough.  My relationship with my ex was 15 years long and I didn't find out about some of the lies he told for the whole 15 years until afterwards.  It was 2.5 weeks before Christmas last year when he confessed to his year long affair with my so-called friend the VERY year that I was dragging him around to different marriage counselors (all of which he sabotaged) and a couples communication course.  It was a hellish holiday and probably as close as I ever got to a nervous breakdown in my life.  Getting through it for my kids was the only thing that saved me.  The next months were spent hearing his promises about getting help, moving forward with our marriage and me working on my own boundaries and whether or not I could actually get to the point of feeling safe in our marriage again.  I finally determined that I can't.  And while it was painful, it was also freeing.  Working on my own growth was even better. 

[Beacher]

This site is a godsend. Thank you for all your words and support. I am crying just from gratitude that others understand me and have been through it also. When I met him I was in a great place- sober 10 years, a great job, a house, making a good life for my daughter and I. He was too good to be true and in typical BPD fashion told me 2 weeks in he was going to marry me. I would just mention something I liked and would buy it for me, wonderful trips, words of undying love, always at my side, I was the one he had been looking for. Then the rages started- but he was so wonderful and would,lay down his life for me, I knew he suffered from depression and anxiety and was sure I could help him overcome. I still believe he is fundamentally a good person but I will die if I stay. I tried to talk to him about his behavior, tried validating, been to 3 couples therapists, he made me think I am just trashing him and making him the heavy and its " normal" for couples to fight and scream and call names. There's always a price tag with all the wonderful things he has done. I will never forget the love we shared but he insists on unconditional love and I can't give that to someone who treats me like this. The lies are so crazy and the behavior so out there I feel like I'm living in a made for tv drama. He is out of work but before he left installed all these cameras  that cost a fortune to watch me in the house, then had them taken down. Hired a lawyer last year for thousands of dollars when I moved out and then asked to borrow money from my mothers savings to pay bills because we were so poor. The list is so long I can't continue but need to start keeping a journal so when Christmas rolls around and he is either screaming at me or begging for forgiveness, I can remember I don't want this life. Thank you again my friends xoxo