The final straw - why I had to go no contact

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

One of you pointed out that I never said what my friend/exwBPD did that caused me to end things. Here it is:

It goes back to an event in '88.  I travelled across the US to visit him that summer - we were going to spend a few weeks travelling together.  When I arrived, his ex had gotten in touch and invited herself along.  I was given no say and they both treated me like I was invisible for what was supposed to be my vacation with him.  To be clear, he and I weren't in a relationship at the time, so he wasn't cheating on me.  Just ignoring me after I'd gone to a lot of trouble to hang out with him

One evening he drove all 3 of us to a motel in another city and checked us in.  One room, twin beds.  I got into one and they got into the other and proceeded to have sex.  They didn't check if I was asleep first - i wasn't - nor were they particularly quiet or covert.  I wanted desperately to leave, but couldn't - no car, little money, no place to go.  I was 21 - he was 27, the ex was 30.  I felt imprisoned.  Add to this the fact that I'd been sexually assaulted at 13, and at this time still had some fear and anxiety around sex.  (He knew this.)  The whole thing was humiliating and more than a little frightening to me.  The next day, we all acted like nothing had happened.  I never told anyone what had happened.

Finally, last year, I confronted him on this over the phone.  He remembered it, and said 'that may be the worst thing I've ever done to anyone and I can't believe I did it to you'.  He was very apologetic and I accepted his apology.  It was so long ago, I couldn't see the point to not letting him say sorry.

Then quite recently, he put up a picture of him and me on my page on Facebook.  It was taken the day after the motel room event.  I hadn't known the photo existed.  The moment I saw it, I had a panic attack.  I had them in waves for the rest of the night.  Seeing the photo brought it all back to me.  It was awful.  I asked him why in the world he'd put up that photo.  His only answer was it is the only good picture he has of him and me together.  That was all I got from him.  He apologized when I told him it upset me.  But then he froze me out for 3 weeks.  I knew he was freaking out because he hates it when I find fault with him.  But I'd hoped that this once he could actually consider me first.  I mean, I''ve had to go back into therapy just to deal with what that photo brought up for me.  But for him, my telling him that was not okay was a bigger deal.  He just couldn't get past it.  He wrote me a long, scathing email, calling me a bully with anger issues, all because I told him the photo had upset me. 

How could I possibly stay friends with him after that?  I couldn't, and I didn't.  I'm still reeling from this.  Does any of this ring any bells for anyone?

[wakingfirst]

One of you pointed out that I never said what my friend/exwBPD did that caused me to end things. Here it is:

It goes back to an event in '88.  I travelled across the US to visit him that summer - we were going to spend a few weeks travelling together.  When I arrived, his ex had gotten in touch and invited herself along.  I was given no say and they both treated me like I was invisible for what was supposed to be my vacation with him.  To be clear, he and I weren't in a relationship at the time, so he wasn't cheating on me.  Just ignoring me after I'd gone to a lot of trouble to hang out with him

One evening he drove all 3 of us to a motel in another city and checked us in.  One room, twin beds.  I got into one and they got into the other and proceeded to have sex.  They didn't check if I was asleep first - i wasn't - nor were they particularly quiet or covert.  I wanted desperately to leave, but couldn't - no car, little money, no place to go.  I was 21 - he was 27, the ex was 30.  I felt imprisoned.  Add to this the fact that I'd been sexually assaulted at 13, and at this time still had some fear and anxiety around sex.  (He knew this.)  The whole thing was humiliating and more than a little frightening to me.  The next day, we all acted like nothing had happened.  I never told anyone what had happened.

Finally, last year, I confronted him on this over the phone.  He remembered it, and said 'that may be the worst thing I've ever done to anyone and I can't believe I did it to you'.  He was very apologetic and I accepted his apology.  It was so long ago, I couldn't see the point to not letting him say sorry.

Then quite recently, he put up a picture of him and me on my page on Facebook.  It was taken the day after the motel room event.  I hadn't known the photo existed.  The moment I saw it, I had a panic attack.  I had them in waves for the rest of the night.  Seeing the photo brought it all back to me.  It was awful.  I asked him why in the world he'd put up that photo.  His only answer was it is the only good picture he has of him and me together.  That was all I got from him.  He apologized when I told him it upset me.  But then he froze me out for 3 weeks.  I knew he was freaking out because he hates it when I find fault with him.  But I'd hoped that this once he could actually consider me first.  I mean, I''ve had to go back into therapy just to deal with what that photo brought up for me.  But for him, my telling him that was not okay was a bigger deal.  He just couldn't get past it.  He wrote me a long, scathing email, calling me a bully with anger issues, all because I told him the photo had upset me. 

How could I possibly stay friends with him after that?  I couldn't, and I didn't.  I'm still reeling from this.  Does any of this ring any bells for anyone?

[Mutt]

Hi wakingfist,

I'm sorry to hear that. I would feel really upset if I had planned to spend time with a friend and I wasn't aware that the ex was coming too. It sounds like you had a caring and supportive relationship ( platonic love? ) before it turned into a romantic one.

I understand how much that hurts when someone that suffers from BPD doesn't put themselves in our shoes and think about how actions hurt us. I think that he didn't think about ( empathy ) how the picture would be upsetting for you after the way that he had treated you like you were invisible back in '88.

I knew he was freaking out because he hates it when I find fault with him.

I think that you have the right idea here where you say that he hates it when you find fault with him. A pwBPD feel chronic shame and some experts would say that BPD is a shamed based disorder. Shame is a very powerful emotion. Many of us would have to think back in our childhoods to recall how that feels. A parent or school teacher may of triggered shame in us. Shame is feeling like there's something wrong with us ( faults ) and it's likely why he didn't talk to you for three weeks.

[hopealways]

Mutt, thanks for all your responses, you seem like a very kind and compassionate person. Thank you for being you.

[patientandclear]

Wakingfirst, yes, I can relate.  I hear you saying that what doesn't work for you is NOT that he did this rotten thing many years ago -- you've forgiven him -- and not that he put up the picture -- you can understand that he didn't realize how it would affect you.  What you can't accept is that you confiding your feelings in him about it, resulted in him belittling and attacking you.

Yes, I can very much relate.  The closer I got to my ex wBPD, the more real our r/ship got, and in my book, the more worthwhile, the more sensitive he got about feeling that I did not approve of him in any way.

This past year we had quite a bit of meaningful, intimate, important emotional connection.  But several times, I shared my actual feelings with him -- when he hurt me or when things happened that evoked prior times when he'd hurt me. Each time, it made him really angry, and he pulled away, scoffed, or punished me.

He just can't hear such things, apparently. I get that that flows from a disorder.  But I'm not sure what to do with it in a r/ship.  What IS a r/ship where one of the partners can't tell such things to the other partner?

[wakingfirst]

"He just can't hear such things, apparently. I get that that flows from a disorder.  But I'm not sure what to do with it in a r/ship.  What IS a r/ship where one of the partners can't tell such things to the other partner?"

Yes, Patientandclear, that's what it boils down to for me.  I know now that I suppressed my feelings about that earlier incident because I understood that he, that the two of us, could not handle looking at that together.  I suppressed my feelings rather than lose him.  I take responsibility for that, I did it to myself. 

His apology, when it came, seemed really heartfelt, and we had what I thought was a moment of mutual clarity where we really saw each other.  And that was beautiful. But I think I took it to mean more than it did.

I still don't really get why he put up the photo - but while all of my other friends were saying I should get rid of him, I was saying, 'Look, I know this man.  He's not a predator.  He's ill, and he makes bad choices.'  And I did my best to meet him halfway.  I spoke to him calmly, I listened.  I looked beyond my own pain to allow for the pain I know he feels, lives with. 

But, wow, he really could not do the same for me.  Emotionally, excuse the expression, he has absolutely kicked the crap out of me over this. As you say, it's the disorder, we get it.  But how can I continue to call this person my friend?  When he hurts me and then gets angry at me for being hurt?

You say that the closer you've gotten to your ex wBPD, the more sensitive he has become to any criticism from you.  So clearly, your opinion has come to mean a great deal to him.  That's both an accomplishment and a responsibility, and I can tell you have taken that quite seriously.  That's a really special thing.  But how long can that work in just one direction?  Please take care of yourself.

Mutt: Shame - yes.  The phrase that made my ex wBPD happiest was not 'I love you' (close second) but 'You're a good man'.  I was forever reassuring him of that.  It's what he wants most to be.  God, this is sad.

Thanks, folks.