Does it get better?

[Jenna74]

I'm 4.5 months NC, the longest period of NC in four years.  Please tell me it gets better?  That I stop feeling anxious and nervous and unable to think of anything else except running it all over and over in my  head.  They say time heals all but this is hell.

[Should I stay or...]

Hi Jenna74,

we are on the same timeline, about 4 months out NC and was in, an on again off again 5 year relationship... .I'm trying to walk the walk of who I am again, it's tough. I miss the good and there was so much... .But the push pull and the self destructive behavior was always and would always break us up. Self destructive behavior for me was; when things were going well she's want to blow it up by trying to find fault with nothingness... .

wishing you well, let's see who's story has a reprise, keep posting it helps.

Should

[hopealways]

Well looks like we are all in the same boat I am 4.5 months NC. Yes it does get better but then there are awful days too. The healing process is not linear by any means.  A month ago I thought I was fully healed then two weeks ago I start missing her, wondering whether she will ever reappear or if she ever loved me.

I have to remind myself that I was involved in a VERY VERY traumatic relationship masked in the fantasy of my true love. I put up with a lot. The push/pull alone is something that will drive anyone nuts.  We need more time to heal.  Hang in there guys.

[homefree]

I was just reading that addiction recovery from using drugs tends to take 2 years, and that episodes can appear even late in that period. It said that people who think it is over after a couple months are prone to being unprepared or vulnerable to late down periods and it can make them susceptible to relapses. I would have to imagine that the intoxicating perfect drug of a fantasy love relationship has similar aspects. 

I was somewhat encouraged to learn that the rollercoaster of emotions is actually a normal part of the brain finding a new normal, and is part of the healing process, not a failure of the person to 'be better'.

like hopealways says. Hang in there. You are biological. Change happens over time, sometimes so slowly in our eyes, but it does happen. Just treat yourself as well as you can and don't be too hard on yourself. The healing will come.

[Cane787]

It does get better, as long as you let go of the hope they can heal since time has passed.

After a 30 year relationship I found out far too late, from reading and a psychotherapist, that my ex was a high functioning BPD. I was no contact for 4 years from a terrible fall out that she rewrote history on. Due to that long break and my happiness from surviving cancer, I then grew into wanting peace, closure, to share my happiness and new lease on life.

The reunion went very well. I love her, it all came natural to laugh, talk, and try to help. As usual I was idealized non stop in the beginning, she tried her best to show a difference in her maturity, which I believe was genuinely there, to the best of her ability. Then the covert abuse started, slights that nobody might have noticed if it weren't for my lengthy experience. The splitting, I could tell she was trying to fight but it was there since she was against any treatment. The manipulation with going back and forth with how she felt. The punishment tactics that she has conjured up in her mind that I deserve for ever staying away from her.

So I am now NC, for good. If a four year separation/reunion couldn't put a great so called love in concrete, and her admitting this disorder out loud doesn't push her into therapy, I don't want to be around for what comes next.

I've finally learned I am better off to feel the pain, keep my sadness for her disorder to myself and stay away for my own sake and sanity.

[Jazzy]

I have been NC for 7 weeks now and I was also wondering if the pain is something I have to live wih all my life.My BPD exbf just does not seem to get out of my mind. I miss all the good times we shared , but I also remember how awful the last 6 months of our 6 year relationship were when he turned cruel  almost overnight.I cannot seem to forget  him for even a single moment and the only time I get any reprieve from the pain is when I am able to get sleep at night. The worst time seems  to be when I wake up in the morning and everything just comes flooding back into my mind.They  are mostly  sad thoughts  because dee down I still love him and miss the person he was in the initial stages of our relationship, but  there also is  a lot of anger wondering how I  could have ignored all the red flags and  not seen through his mask all those 6 years. So Like everyone else I just hold on and try and be patient and hope I can reach a point where I can forget all the pain he put me through and live a normal life. Right now it seems impossible.I can only hope it will get better with time.Being a part of this forum at least makes me feel I am not alone.

[focus]

I'm almost 6 months NC.

It does get better. But it takes time.

hopealways rightly said "traumatic relationship", and because of it, the healing process takes more time than we would like.

In my case, I went and I am still going to therapy.

My breakthrough happened around 4.5 months into NC, when my therapist pointed out I had shifted the focus towards myself. That was the turning point when progress really started and I found I was getting better.

I have also been attending CoDA meetings since late September, to address my own codependantcy issues and work on myself.

I have learned that the ex wife was not the only unhealrhy person in the relationship. I was unhealthy as well. I still am, but I'm working on myself to better myself and to become as healthy as possible.

I am owning my part of this towards myself. I have to treat myself better, and stop taking crap from orher people.

I have a "Knight in shining armor" complex that I am addressing as well (my codependantcy). I need to stop saving and fixing other people and work on fixing myself.

It does get better. It takes time and a lot of patience and work.

I would recomend reflecting on yourself and work on yourself in the process.

Good luck!

[apollotech]

I'm 4.5 months NC, the longest period of NC in four years.  Please tell me it gets better?  That I stop feeling anxious and nervous and unable to think of anything else except running it all over and over in my  head.  They say time heals all but this is hell.

Hi Jenna,

Yes, it does get better, slowly. As the days pass, thoughts/feelings over your ex will eventually fade. Keep yourself occupied, but more importantly, keep your mind occupied. Because of the normal intensity of a BPD relationship, you were on your own drugs for four years (brain chemistry). These relationships don't mature to the point to where the Non comes off of those "superficial" drugs and real love blossoms. We were mired in the "giddy" stage. That's the chemical reason for the "addiction" lingo that goes along with these relationships. The "coming out of the FOG" statement is another example of this self-induced chemical dissipation. So, it does get better; give it time. You experienced something very intense for an overly extended period (abnormal). It will take you awhile to revert back to baseline normal, but it will happen.

[Jenna74]

Thank you all.  I'm glad I found this forum because I don't have anyone that really understands this.  I'm so tired of the roller coaster of it all.  I just want to be better, I want to be able to trust someone again and I'm looking ahead and not seeing that happening anytime soon.

[apollotech]

Thank you all.  I'm glad I found this forum because I don't have anyone that really understands this.  I'm so tired of the roller coaster of it all.  I just want to be better, I want to be able to trust someone again and I'm looking ahead and not seeing that happening anytime soon.

Hi Jenna,

Yes, (in bold above) is one aspect of a BPD relationship that I previously spoke of (overstimulation for an abnormal amount of time). That induced chemical changes in your brain that will take time to fully dissipate (revert back to baseline normal). Hang in there, you will get free of the madness. Keep posting here; keep learning about what you've been through; ask questions; post comments---it all helps with your recovery. You are not alone; people on these boards definitely understand what you've been through.

[Mutt]

Thank you all.  I'm glad I found this forum because I don't have anyone that really understands this.  I'm so tired of the roller coaster of it all.  I just want to be better, I want to be able to trust someone again and I'm looking ahead and not seeing that happening anytime soon.

Hi Jenna74,

I recall the days where I wanted to not feel the pain if only for 15 minutes. I was so tired of feeling the same thing day after day. That pain will go away and you will trust someone again, not everyone will treat you like your ex partner did. Hang in there.