A question about validation

[La Carotte]

Hello. I'm posting on the Leaving board and am in NC with my ex, so I hope you don't mind me posting here as well. I suppose I'm trying to figure out what I could have done better/differently in relation to a particular recurring thing, in the hope that I can make my peace with what I did do, and move on. (Of course, what I really want to hear is, "You did everything you could do, FIT!" But I know that isn't going to happen, and I do want to learn from this.)

Thanks in advance for any thoughts.

My ex and I had an affair when we first got together. My partner at the time had lbeen living in a different country for 3 years, we rarely saw each other, but noneless we hadn't ended it when I met ex. I have never done anything remotely like this in my life, I'm ashamed of it and know that I will never do anything like this again, it's too harmful.

My ex's previous two partners had left ex for other people.

This combination has meant that ex has never ever been able to accept that I won't go off with someone else, because, "it's what you do." This has resulted in ex being completely obsessed with me and every single other person I come across in my world, including shop assistants, the workman mending the road, my hairdresser, colleagues, friends, and oh goodness me, if ever I go out and speak to a new person.

I have spent the time telling ex that it is not what I do. I did it once when  I was in a non physical relationship with someone I felt of as a friend who was living in a different country, which is in no way comparable with the relarionship that ex and I had and the love/passion I felt/feel for them.

But to no avail, ever.

For a couple of years I closed down my world and stopped going out, seeing friends, phoning friends etc. but it was never enough and I was raged at/dumped constantly anyway. So about six months ago I decided that I was just going to get on with my life and accept ex when they were there, and not when they weren't. And I was no longer going to accept being accused of sleeping with a shop assistant when I went out to buy milk. Or being sworn at and called disgusting names.

On the whole I stopped JADEing, and just said that what ex was saying was not true and refused to engage.  Unfortunately what this usually meant was a barrage of texts/calls getting more and more abusive until eventually I would block ex for a period, alway saying that was what I was about to do, but nonetheless something that ex quite understandably hated.

So my questions:

How could I possibly have validated those accusations without feeling like I was somehow accepting the truth of them? They were not valid in any way. They didn't have a grain of truth in them. And I really really hate being accused of something I haven't done and then told I'm a liar. Over and over and over.

When I stopped JADEing things got worse as that was generally accepted as an admission of guilt because I wasn't defending myself because I couldn't because I'd done whatever I was accused of. What could I have done?

I believe I was right to start re-engaging with the world again, and tried to reassure ex at every stage. I accepted that I had to give minuscule details of my every movement and interaction and did that. Ex said I was secretive and lying but I was not. What could I have done to seem more open?

Is there anything else I could have done proactively to make the situation better, given our history?

It is this problem that caused the breakdown of our relationship as every bad thing followed from that.  I believe it is irretrievable now as too much damage has been done, and I don't believe ex will ever be able to accept that I'm not a lying deceiver out to hurt and abandon them. And I'm no longer willing to be accused of that on a daily basis. But I think for my own healing it would be helpful for me to understand my role in it all.

I'm sorry if I've posted this on the wrong board and appreciate it may be moved somewhere else.

Thank you

FIT

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[babyducks]

Hi FIT,

How could I possibly have validated those accusations without feeling like I was somehow accepting the truth of them?

Here is my two cents.    In the situation you describe you don't validate the accusation, you validate the emotion behind it.   Some form of "it must be stressing to continually fear this".

They were not valid in any way. They didn't have a grain of truth in them. And I really really hate being accused of something I haven't done and then told I'm a liar. Over and over and over.

You don't validate the invalid.  Being called a liar is invalidating to you so you put a boundary about this.  Something like "When I hear the term liar I feel upset and angry so I will be ending the conversation."

When I stopped JADEing things got worse as that was generally accepted as an admission of guilt because I wasn't defending myself because I couldn't because I'd done whatever I was accused of. What could I have done?

Yup things would have gotten worse, this is called an extinction burst.   They require a heavy mix of appropriate validation and boundary enforcement.   What works best for me is SET.  Support Empathy Truth.   "This is a change for our relationship. I can see it's an adjustment for you.   I need to have contact with my social circle I will be back at this very specific time."

I believe I was right to start re-engaging with the world again, and tried to reassure ex at every stage. I accepted that I had to give minuscule details of my every movement and interaction and did that. Ex said I was secretive and lying but I was not. What could I have done to seem more open ?

I'm not sure about the minuscule details of every movement... .   my thought is this might be enmeshment and you would likely want to avoid that.    If it was me I would have pushed back against this.   I have the right to expect privacy. 

'ducks

[La Carotte]

Thanks for your comments, babyducks. Everything you said makes sense to me, but in reality I just don't think I'm capable of doing it(even if that was an option, which unfortunately I  believe it isn't now). It all feels  too triggering and too unfair for me and I get too cross and defensive, and so even if I do manage not to engage, which on the whole now I do manage, I'm still not in a place to be able to access those kind of statements, and if I'm honest, there's part of me that feels resentful at having to. And of course then I feel terribly guilty because I know that it is all so much worse for ex than for me, which is what then makes me try and rescue things once Ive calmed down,  but of course by then so much more damage has been done and so, the negative spiral continues downwards. Which is why I've reluctantly agreed with ex to have NC, and this time I'm going to stick with it.

I did have to smile at your comments about privacy. Ex has hacked my email, stalked me, had friends and work colleagues stalk me, hacked my FB messenger. Each time, justified because ex Knew I was cheating. And even when no evidence was found, because I never have, there was never once an apology or regret for doing it. Just recently ex came to my house, stole my journal, copied it and returned it. Obviously for the completely legitimate reason of finding evidence of me and others. What ex actually found was pages of love for them and angst at their cruel actions and words... .and a comment about ex's lousy cooking. Guess which bits were ignored, and which has been used to beat me with since? And again, the true awfulness of invading someone's privacy like that ignored by us both. I suppose I think that when the trust and lack of respect for what is ok is so low, there isn't much hope.

Sorry, babyducks, I think I've ranted a bit, probably inappropriate for this board. I do appreciate your comments, they've made me think. I'll go back to the Leaving board.

All the best

FIT

[babyducks]

Well FIT,

if some one hacked my email, stalked me, hacked my FB messenger AND stole my journal I would be cross and defensive too.          honestly I would be more than cross and defensive.   

pwBPD will crash through boundaries.   for me when my boundaries got crashed I had to telegraph that it was not okay.   I would not tolerate it.   I can't say it was easy to enforce boundaries.  to tell you the truth, it was probably the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life.   and I don't know that I did it ~right~  I muddled my way through it the way most of us muddle our way through these things, doing the best we can with what we have today.

hang in there/

'ducks