To block or unblock? That is the question.

[kc sunshine]

Today, day 2, I'm having trouble keeping her blocked on my phone. I'm in total turmoil about it.

Pros:

People say that NC is a good way to go, that it might bring perspective, peace, and healing.

I don't have to know that she is not contacting me.

I can imagine that she is trying to (not healthy, I know!)

I don't have to check my phone to see if she is contacting me.

I have control over the situation.

My decision is about whether to block or unblock, not whether to call her or not.

It is like staying away from an addiction.

I told her I'd block her so it is sticking by my words.


Cons

I might miss things that she is texting  :'(

She might not remember/have heard that I have blocked her

Is it a control maneuver? Is what I need to do is let go of control (surrender to a higher power re: whether she texts or not) instead of go into super-control mode?

Any insights, dear BPD community?

[burritoman]

The pros outweigh the cons. Wait a week and see how you feel, then two weeks, three. Before you realize it it'll be a month. See how you feel again. My second or third day of no contact I was overwhelmed with powerful anxiety and almost texted her. My sister talked me out of it. Now a month later I'm glad I didn't. Just keep moving forward.

[steve195915]

The turmoil of NC.  It's so hard, wondering if they're trying to contact you, wondering if they're calling to apologize and willing to answer unanswered questions, wondering if they are hurting like you are, missing their voice and touch, wondering if you could do things better and make it together and be happy if you go back.

The truth is a SO pwBPD may be trying to contact you but it's not to admit any guilt or sincere apology, they don't feel the loss and hurt like we NONs do.  Any tears they shed and any words they say are to manipulate you.  Yes you can go back and maybe do things better on your end to diffuse the worst blowups, and you may enjoy temporary happiness, but remember that BPD is an uncurable mental illness.  All the behaviors will still be there, the pattern will repeat.  Ask if you want to go through it again, do you deserve better?  So try to keep your mind strong and stay NC.  You are not alone and have support here!

[starfish03]

Yes, turmoil is a great word for it and I'm sorry you are going through that pain. I was in torment over going no contact all last week and I just went no contact 2 days ago -- well, I bought myself time. I asked for space for ~ 8 weeks. I hope that this time gives me some perspective so that I can just get a sense of stability or a taste of liberation from this relationship. It was only in the breakup that I learned my partner has BPD.

For me right now, if my partner with BPD was texting, emailing, calling I would be unable to do any of my own healing work because I would maintain all my focus on him. Last week was torturous because every spare moment was checking if he had written more and painfully debating what and when and how frequently I should respond.

While I was unable to commit to NC FOREVER, I followed advice from people here and created a window of time without contact. I think that can be an agreement with yourself even if you don't communicate it to the other person.

I also found this site (I don't know the etiquette here if sharing other resources is ok so forgive me if not,) www.letmereach.com/2013/12/11/the-no-contact-7-day-challenge-quitting-your-narcissist/ which had a questionnaire that I filled out reminding me why no contact is helpful for me right now.

Wishing you peace and light as you walk through the dark painful parts.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you for these words and resources! That questionnaire seems great and I'm going to check out the meditation. Any chance, starfish, you could share any of your responses?

I am so tempted to contact right now! But it is 6 pm and there are only 3 hours left of the night before I can go to sleep so maybe I can make it.

Maybe I'll write here what I am tempted to write to her-- it is definitely about trying to get closure. We talked about doing a little ceremony to mark the end-- like a time capsule box to put our rings and other little relationship stuff in and to bury it near "our" spot. Sounds a little tortuous, no? But could be healing? It would be contact though.

[starfish03]

I'm glad you liked the resource. I think this is a good space to share whatever you need. I was so appreciative of the feedback I got last week that has launched me to a slightly better feeling place. I'm also working through Melody Beattie's Codependent No More book as I feel that my caretaking is probably unhealthy as I put others' needs ahead of my own. I am ever so slowly learning that I cannot truly love and support others unless I am filled from within first.

Some tools I use to help me when I feel urgency and the obsessive thoughts are becoming overwhelming is:  I don't need to know all the answers right now. I don't need to figure it all out today. Do I really need to act right now or can I give myself a break and come back to it tomorrow? Instead of acting hastily on my own, can I share with 3 friends, pray about it, and/or wait 5 hours or 24 hours before taking action?

Here are responses to the NC questionnaire I'm willing to share:

The No Contact Questionnaire

1.   Three things I will gain by going No Contact are:

1. perspective

2. time to grieve

3. freedom to choose from a place of personal power, spiritual guidance, emotional balance, and mental clarity

2.   The reason No Contact will change my life is because:

I’ll be treating myself with love and respect and putting my wellbeing first.

3.    People besides myself who will benefit from my going No Contact:

My mom, my friends, and yes, even him.

4.   Six months from now, I’d like to see myself:

Feeling happy on a regular basis.

Visiting with friends more.

Knowing and enjoying things I like doing – no, love doing.

Trying new things.



6.   I cannot go on with this relationship because:

I cannot trust myself or him, which leaves me in a constant state of anxiety.

[kc sunshine]

Thank you for posting these! I'll work through mine and post as well!

[steve195915]

Thank you for posting these! I'll work through mine and post as well!

I have struggled with going NC or LC and have a post with similar discussions.  I failed at trying to go NC in the past as the pain and wondering was too much;  what/how are they doing? are they hurting like I am?, are they trying to contact me?  Also going NC I seemed to focus on all the great times together and how much love I had for them and wondering if this is the right decision as I wasn't focusing on all the hell they put me through. 

From all the posts I read on this subject, by a large percentage of recommendations it seems to be best if you go NC.  Again though each relationship is individual with unique personalities, situations, experiences so it's something you have to decide. 

I'm trying the LC route and though only a week in, it's working for me.  I have accepted the fact that I will not go back into the relationship and have an extremely strong resolve.  Having LC has lessened the pain and anxiety I felt from "not knowing and wondering" the NC route brought.   I still have pain with knowing my dreams are shattered but that would be there whether NC or LC. 

LC has also allowed me to look at our relationship more objectively.  With each and every contact, I have been able to have more of an awareness of the detrimental behaviors, actions, and thinking of my BPDex that has resulted in lessening the emotionally attachment.  I always keep in mind that BPD is an incurable mental illness and a life together with this person would be filled with nothing but more pain, verbal abuse, lies, breakups, heartbreaks, and will just be a never ending cycle. 

Though I'm attempting LC and I have knowledge of one other person that actually succeeded in detaching while being in LC,  we are in an extreme minority.  Whatever way you go, be strong and remember you deserve better!

[thisworld]

Mind you, the Dane who came up with the question in the Nunnery scene was contemplating suicide, so I think the answer is in your question. 

[blackbirdsong]

For all of you going LC, are you also considering the other side - how BPD partner will react on that?

You all observe the concept "it is easier for me to go LC", but don't you afraid that they will not let you go so easy in case of LC. That scares me.

[steve195915]

For all of you going LC, are you also considering the other side - how BPD partner will react on that?

You all observe the concept "it is easier for me to go LC", but don't you afraid that they will not let you go so easy in case of LC. That scares me.

I suppose it depends on each particular circumstance but for my BPDex it meets all her needs in that in her mind she's keeping me as an option and when she wants to vent I provide the sounding board providing validation and empathy and I also help her from time to time.  It's very common for pwBPDex's to initiate contact again where they may want an immediate recycle or just as a furure option so they're happy with LC.  And if they push hard for a recycle and you don't comply, the worst is they blow up and go NC.  Then they'll usually contact you again.