Official psychiatric help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Today I decided to ask for official psychiatric help. After the break up that I have initiated (1 month ago, NC since then) I started reading about BPD, codependency, FOO issues etc. And I think that I am on a good track but wanted to add additional help to my healing process... .

I called one private psychiatrist, I found very good reviews for her on one psychiatric forum, briefly explained what is the history of my BPD relationship,  and arranged a meeting on Thursday.

It is hard for me to explain my feelings after that... .In one hand, I feel better since I believe that it cannot hurt me to go and seek additional help, it can only help. But also, on the other hand it is hard to admit to yourself that you need help, it is not only about BPD relationship, it is about you and your issues that pulled you into BPD relationship.

I am 29 years old, and I feel bad about that fact... .I feel bad because I feel like I have missed a lot of my life in 20s seeking for the wrong type of love... .It is hard to admit that I didn't know how to love, starting from myself... .

[blackbirdsong]

Today I decided to ask for official psychiatric help. After the break up that I have initiated (1 month ago, NC since then) I started reading about BPD, codependency, FOO issues etc. And I think that I am on a good track but wanted to add additional help to my healing process... .

I called one private psychiatrist, I found very good reviews for her on one psychiatric forum, briefly explained what is the history of my BPD relationship,  and arranged a meeting on Thursday.

It is hard for me to explain my feelings after that... .In one hand, I feel better since I believe that it cannot hurt me to go and seek additional help, it can only help. But also, on the other hand it is hard to admit to yourself that you need help, it is not only about BPD relationship, it is about you and your issues that pulled you into BPD relationship.

I am 29 years old, and I feel bad about that fact... .I feel bad because I feel like I have missed a lot of my life in 20s seeking for the wrong type of love... .It is hard to admit that I didn't know how to love, starting from myself... .

[Michelle27]

I sought help several times during my relationship with my ex.  The first time it was during the worst of the dysregulations, when they were coming every 3-6 weeks and I started carrying around overnight stuff in my car in case I had to flee, which I did dozens of times.  I really see my own co-dependency when I look back at that period because my goal in therapy was "how do I help my husband?".   I will never forget that it took about 4 sessions for the therapist to get it through my head that it wasn't my job to help him, it was his. Seriously took me 4 sessions.  I finally understood that I needed to take care of me, and that's what led to losing 140 lbs over the next few years.  It also allowed me to grow in ways I needed to but not enough to make my self care a priority.  A year ago I sought therapy again when I realized that I was struggling with the decision about leaving or staying. I really wanted to leave but I was scared.  Ended up staying with that therapist for about 9 months and while she never got me to make a decision one way or the other, she helped my faulty thinking patterns and I was able to work on my  codependency even more.  It was invaluable. 

[hashtag_loyal]

It is hard for me to explain my feelings after that... .In one hand, I feel better since I believe that it cannot hurt me to go and seek additional help, it can only help. But also, on the other hand it is hard to admit to yourself that you need help, it is not only about BPD relationship, it is about you and your issues that pulled you into BPD relationship.

This is very true.

Many years ago I chose to confront some very serious mental illness of my own without the help of a trained professional, and I now deeply regret it. A good psychiatrist and/or therapist can greatly aid in the healing process.

I think you are doing the right thing in seeking help for yourself. Kudos for having the courage and awareness to look inside and decide to seek help!

[steelwork]

blackbirdsong, congratulations. I hope this therapist is a good fit for you. It DOES feel better, even to have an appointment, right? Like there is a net under you now.

About this:

I am 29 years old, and I feel bad about that fact... .I feel bad because I feel like I have missed a lot of my life in 20s seeking for the wrong type of love... .It is hard to admit that I didn't know how to love, starting from myself... .

I give you this, from W. Somerset Maugham's "Of Human Bondage":

"It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched for they are full of the truthless ideal which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real, they are bruised and wounded. It looks as if they were victims of a conspiracy; for the books they read, ideal by the necessity of selection, and the conversation of their elders, who look back upon the past through a rosy haze of forgetfulness, prepare them for an unreal life. They must discover for themselves that all they have read and all they have been told are lies, lies, lies; and each discovery is another nail driven into the body on the cross of life.”

Actually, I recommend the novel to all of you. I has a lot to say to those who who have loved someone at their own expense.

[Mutt]

Hi blackbirdsong,

You're a young man. What if you passed on this incredible opportunity and you found yourself in your 30's, 40's, 50's or older?  I think that you will find a lot of people that don't know that you create your own happiness and happiness is not found in someone else.

[steelwork]

Hi blackbirdsong,

You're a young man. What if you passed on this incredible opportunity and you found yourself in your 30's, 40's, 50's or older?  I think that you will find a lot of people that don't know that you create your own happiness and happiness is not found in someone else.

Right.

What I think Maugham teaches: so many people, especially thoughtful people, suffer in youth from an expectation that we should be happy just by dint of being young--that certain ideal states of happiness (like "fun" or "love" are supposed to come in our twenties or the years were "wasted." Great damage is done by that expectation.

And I am 50. If I died today, it would be tragic, right? People would say I was too young, right? So that means I'm young. So there.

[cloudten]

Blackbirdsong,

There is no shame in seeking help- at all. I am really proud of you. Seeking help says you are a strong person.

I have to agree with Mutt here... .what if you passed this opportunity to heal yourself only to waste even more of your life?  If I could live my life again, I would have addressed these issues within me after my divorce so that I wouldn't have fallen in with my pwBPD... .4 years ago.

Use this time to really figure it all out!

[WhatTheFrank]

If I can thank my experience with exBPDgf for anything, it is that the stress of the relationship finally pushed me to get help. For a long time, even before her, I knew something was wrong with my brain chemistry and issues I dealt with from previous emotional trauma in my life. I'm now on medication that helps my depression and get to talk about past and current issues with a neutral third party. It makes me wish I had not waited thirteen years until the age of 30 to seek this help, but I'm very appreciative and have no shame concerning it.

[balletomane]

I am starting art therapy just after Christmas, to help me move on from the abuse I experienced in that relationship. I work in child and adolescent mental health myself, and I identified a more oblique form of therapy as being what I need right now - it will enable me to work through very difficult emotions that at present I don't have words for. For me it was hard to reach out for this support because asking for it meant admitting that my ex was abusive, and this has been a very painful and difficult thing for me to accept.

I don't think I have 'issues' that pulled me into a BPD relationship, and as I've said before, this is a common assumption on this forum that I struggle with - the idea that we must all be codependent and all have problematic families. I got into a relationship with a man with BPD because I loved him as a person. He was more than his disorder; he had genuine good qualities. Saying that I must have had a problem in order to get into a relationship with such a person is like saying that no one with BPD can be truly lovable or have the capacity to be a good partner - that anyone healthy would automatically know they're trouble and stay away. As a mental health professional myself, I don't think this is accurate - in a way we ourselves are guilty of 'painting black' when we think like this. For me the painful thing was recognising that my ex cannot be viewed in black and white terms: yes, his behaviour was abusive, but no, he wasn't a monster. It's complicated. And having to accept that there are no simple answers is part of what hurts, at least for me.

I hope your therapy helps and you find what you're looking for.

[Beacher]

Best thing you can do for yourself. It's important to get an objective view from someone else and learn techniques how to deal.Wish I had done it 10 years ago to help me cope with BPD hubby but better late than ever! You're moving in the right direction my friend.

[blackbirdsong]

Small update:

I was today at my first therapy session. Mostly I talked 

The psychiatrist said I seem as a rational person with very clear understanding what happened in my relationship, and that is a good part. She agreed, based on the things I said, that my ex has BPD. She also told me that there are a lot of people with BPD in our environment, but there are different types and degrees of BPD.

She also noted that I am too "psychiatricly analyzing my relationship". We need to clear this next time

It is too soon to tell anything about my emotional issues, also something for some of the next sessions.

I don't know, it is a small step, but it feels good to actually work on your inner self.

[cloudten]

 

It takes time. Keep going... .keep working.

When I started going nearly 2 years ago, I went for 5 or 6 sessions then quit for nearly 6 months. I wish I hadn't quit, but I think part of me wasn't really ready to address what I was addressing in T. Then I went back- and have been back steadily for a year.

What I appreciate most from T is actually not what it is doing for me inside, but that it is helping to preserve my friendships. I was relying on my friends to be my therapists, and it was putting too much strain on the friendships. My friends were tired of hearing about the ups and downs with the BPDx because they simply didn't understand. "Just get over it already" would be common words coming from them. They weren't interested in helping me figure out why I stayed or why I kept going back.

Great job! Keep it up... .it takes time.

[blackbirdsong]

Additional update:

I was today again on my session.

I must admit that I have mixed feelings now: about myself, about my relationship with ex GF, about this forum, about everything  

It seems that I have narcissistic injury after BPD relationship that I have ended. I got too frightened of her and her disorder, that explains my panic attacks immediately after the breakup (pregnancy and STD fear, stalking fear, BPD revenge fear)

There is definitely much more work in front of me, as I expected . She suggested a set of 15 sessions (through 3 months, because this is approx time to heal from trauma)

Through this I will try to dig deeper in my inner self and work on it.

I mentioned that I have mixed feelings now, and since I believe we also here look b/w on BPDs, I am not even sure that is smart for me to read all those "horror" stories on this [L3 - leaving] board... . 

The fact is that I am now loosing my "hard  feelings" towards her... .  And must admit that craving still exists. It changed its form.

It think we also paint them black in order to feel better, to heal. But this isn't the right way to heal... .

Sh*t, it seems now that I have made two steps back, but again - it actually shows that I haven't gone forward at the first place... .:confused:

Yup, definitely the craving emotion came back. Few moments ago I was also considering to contact her which was unthinkable scenario few hours ago.

I still think that huge part of me doesn't want to contact her and knows that this would be toxic for me, but there is one tiny part that plays with my head.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey BBS-

I was today again on my session.

I must admit that I have mixed feelings now: about myself, about my relationship with ex GF, about this forum, about everything  

I commend you for diving into this stuff, it can be uncomfortable, but ever notice the things that were the most uncomfortable at first have the most benefit?  And confusion is a good thing, it means we're about to learn something.

It seems that I have narcissistic injury after BPD relationship that I have ended. I got too frightened of her and her disorder, that explains my panic attacks immediately after the breakup (pregnancy and STD fear, stalking fear, BPD revenge fear)

There is definitely much more work in front of me, as I expected . She suggested a set of 15 sessions (through 3 months, because this is approx time to heal from trauma)

Through this I will try to dig deeper in my inner self and work on it.

Shifting the focus from our exes to ourselves is a process and a critical part of detaching.  It's great that you have some help, along with us, as you make that shift.

I mentioned that I have mixed feelings now, and since I believe we also here look b/w on BPDs, I am not even sure that is smart for me to read all those "horror" stories on this [L3 - leaving] board... . 

The fact is that I am now loosing my "hard  feelings" towards her... .  And must admit that craving still exists. It changed its form.

It think we also paint them black in order to feel better, to heal. But this isn't the right way to heal... .

Sh*t, it seems now that I have made two steps back, but again - it actually shows that I haven't gone forward at the first place... .:confused:

A couple of things: anger is a normal, healthy response to abuse and disrespect, and if we just got out of a relationship where we were abused and felt trapped, it's totally natural to be very mad about that as the fog clears and beat up the evil borderline.  That will change with time, clarity, processing and growth, but it's important to not make ourselves wrong throughout the process.  Also, we need to grieve the relationship to detach, and grieving includes stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, not necessarily all of those and in that order, but we need to go through the stages to fully grieve.

And you may find, somewhere through the process, that you develop compassion for you ex, once you can connect with how difficult a borderline's life is, and can reflect on that from an objective, detached place.

Yup, definitely the craving emotion came back. Few moments ago I was also considering to contact her which was unthinkable scenario few hours ago.

I still think that huge part of me doesn't want to contact her and knows that this would be toxic for me, but there is one tiny part that plays with my head.

I don't know if your T mentioned trauma bonding, but when we're enmeshed in an abusive situation we get bonded to our abuser, the longer the relationship and the abuse the stronger the bond, and that can trigger cravings to contact after the relationship ends.  A handy tool, as you detach, is to make a list of all the unacceptable stuff you put up with in the relationship, and the reasons it ended, and read and add to that list as often as you need to, to shift your focus to what is right for you as the cravings lessen, which they will.

The other thing is the difference between intensity and love, and how we might have been in an intense situation we mistook for love, why that is, why it feels like an addiction, where those impulses come from, all stuff that has to do with us and our upbringing, the borderline was just a trigger for it.

This is a great journey you're on BBS, stay with it, one foot in front of the other, and take care of you!

[Skip]

Additional update:

I was today again on my session.

I must admit that I have mixed feelings now: about myself, about my relationship with ex GF, about this forum, about everything  

This is OK. Healthy.  

Many members here have a narcissistic wound. pwBPD traits and pwNPD traits tend to attract. People in relationships with impulsive/poor executive control partners tend to compensate and adopt co-dependent patterns.

You're starting to see that.

And yes, some members will over-pathologize everything their partner did - the first stage of healing is often this outward focus and some of us are so fearful of our role in the relationship failure we adopt an unbalanced view of who did what. The second stage is typically (for those that heal) to start an inward focus and start to balance that view.

You're path is not unusual.

Whether its the Staying Board, Saving Board, Leaving Board - the one person that we can grow, heal, mature - is ourselves.  And in my years here, its the members that do this that make better lives, better situations.

Thanks for sharing.