healing from a breakup with my BPD wife

[lom48]

My 14 year relatationship with my Borderline wife just ended.  I feel a lot of anxiety, I assume because I have been walking on egg shells for a very long time. I also feel very isolated.  The hardest thing for me is to get rid of the obsessive thoughts about my borderline wife and get the chatter and visions out of my head.  How can I start to clear my head?

[Mutt]

Hi lom48,



I'm sorry to hear that. I think that it helps to talk to clear your head. Do you have kids together? Why did she leave?

[lom48]

She does not trust me. I have never given her any reason not to trust me.  She tries to control everything in my life, mostly with my me and my 2 kids from a previous marriage.  We had the perfect life in my eyes, but she constantly found things to complain about.  She has a lot of the symptoms of a borderline, but can only put the blame on everyone else in her life.  I spend more time thinking about the good times that we had than the bad, so its hard to fully let go.

[Mutt]

lom48,

I can understand thinking about the good times when your r/s just ended. A pwBPD lack trust in themselves and lack trust in others. She likely feels out of control and is trying to control her environment. Was she emotionally unstable before she left?

I can relate with how frustrating that feels in a relationship when our ex partners blame their actions and behaviors on us. When we relate with someone often it becomes a relationship and a relationship reflects back what we put out there in the world and we can get a realistic perspective about ourselves. BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are caused by someone other than themselves.

How old are the kids? How are they coping with their step mom leaving?

[lom48]

Yes, she was emotionally unstable when she left.  It was the Thanksgiving weekend and she was alone in Vegas with her daughter because her family did not invite her for a get together.  She knew I was having a good time with my kids on Thanksgiving, but she is the one that wanted to spend it in Vegas.  My Kids are 23 and 25, they never had a good relationship with their step mom. They never felt like they could do enough for her.  The confusion of the ups and downs are really tough to get a grasp on.  1 week prior to Thanksgiving she wanted to be together and was fine, then all of a sudden, she's done.  Leaves a person feeling very confused.  Even after reading numerous books on BPD, its hard to understand what is going through their head. I feel very disposable, like the 14 years was a lie. She was abandoned by her father at an early age and her mother was a very controlling woman, so didn't have it real easy.  I just wish she could have realized she had BPD, so we could have at least had a chance.  Thanks for listening

[Mutt]

Does she have a habit of leaving and coming back? Are you done with the r/s?

[lom48]

It has happened before a few times. We actually divorced 3 years ago and didn't see each other for over a year. I was getting ready to move to California, so we decided to meet one last time to say goodbye and it started up again and its been almost 2 years together and now we are done again.  I just need to be strong if she comes back again and run for the hills. Its like a drug though.