uBPDw says she wants dissolution after truth-bomb. ADVICE?

[Dobzhansky]

I am living 1400 miles apart from uBPDw who left abruptly and has been gone 18 mos.  I have the youngest two of three daughters living in the house we hold in common.

Eldest shares she wants me to come to her wedding in Cabo San Lucas over holidays.  Eldest says she has also invited uBPDw/mother but uBPDw disputes this - says she feels she is not allowed to go.  I have been dragging my feet about telling W I am going to

Spoke w uBPDw last night on phone for weekly talk.  A good chat, friendlier than most and good to share experiences with.  I screwed up courage and told her I was going to Cabo for the wedding.  She lost it.  Completely, totally, absolutely.  Yelled, sobbed and swore.  She went silent then as if call dropped.  I encouraged her to call back if she wanted to.

I ran downstairs and used a computer to move $$ to different account in the bank.  She called back two minutes later demanding to know what happened to the cash.  I redirected, trying to see how she was doing.  She afterwards she wanted a divorce - feeling she had been lied to and was being shut out of our family.  "It is the girls and I against her."

This is rich as she had sought a job in another state w/o telling us.  We worked in the same building, and she gathered letters of reference from 6 staff members, and swore them to silence.

She said she would handle the paperwork, then I said I would do it, as I already had it filled out.  She agreed to this, which is great as I am in Alaska and she is in Washington State.

What I would like, please, is someone to dissect(?) these behaviors in the context of BPD thinking.

Colleague in the building has gone through similar and advocates draining all accounts and keeping in a safe or some other to keep lawyers from finding.  Also I should take treasures and stash in offsite storage.

Is this potentially dangerous?  She gets mean easily and does lash out.  Stashing treasures may not be an issue as she took 90% of what she wanted when she left. 

She has left some antique furniture to which she referred tearfully, hoping I could scrape up some decency and keep my rage in check long enough to not destroy them out of spite.

Advice?

[KateCat]

Are you 100% on-board with this divorce now, or do you still hope for a different outcome? (I think recently you had been undecided.)

ADDED: If you are decided on divorce, then there may be things you will want to do very quickly. Like engaging an attorney and filing the divorce petition.

[livednlearned]

Once you start thinking about divorce, prepare as though a court is surveilling your every move. It's a good idea to check with a lawyer about moving money since no one here can give legal advice. What we do have is collective experience understanding how BPD impacts our divorce proceedings.

Your colleague's advice seems a little off to me unless I'm misunderstanding you. You and your lawyer would have attorney-client privilege. Do you mean the other lawyer finding out about your assets? At the very least, consult with a lawyer. If push comes to shove and you find yourself in court, "my friend told me I should hide money so I did ... ." is not going to help you.

It definitely helps to have leverage. Being spiteful will get you nowhere, and probably even set you back.

People with BPD are sensitive and highly perceptive. Your wife probably picked up on hints that she wasn't welcome at the wedding, and then she learned that you are going, which made it feel like she was the odd one out. Then she lost access to the joint account and her fears are now confirmed.

For what it's worth, I withdrew money the day I left my ex at the advise of my lawyer. Anything I withdrew was counted as an "advance" against the financial settlement. It was easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission. Some lawyers will advise their clients to withdrew 100% of the funds. That went against my values. You have to stay true to yourself through a high-conflict divorce because it's easy to lose sight of who you are and what you stand for when there is constant conflict knocking you down.

[ForeverDad]

It ought to be okay to have some emergency cash.  After all, you need to pay bills, have something for the legal consultations, lawyer retainers and also have enough to bail yourself out of jail.  (Yes, false allegations have gotten some of us a night or weekend in jail.  Be prepared even for that.)

What happened to many here was that the stbEx raided the accounts, racked up debt and then somehow managed to get it denied or relatively ignored later in the financial phase near the end of the divorce.  While you could do that too and maybe even get away with it, one of your strategies and goals is to look good to the professionals and hiding assets carries a big risk of sabotaging that.  Sadly, husbands and fathers often face a stereotype that they'll put money over parenting and family.  Some do but we have to be careful so we don't get ourselves branded as that.

You have a right to safeguard at least half of your marital assets.  If stbEx complains, especially if you took more than half, your lawyer can be up front that the funds will be used responsibly for the many expenses during the divorce and will be largely accounted for during the later financial negotiations phase.

How can a misbehaving Ex get away with snubbing the rules but we get stuck with them?  The person misbehaving seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.