lost and not sure what when and how

[santo]

Hi I have never done this before and am not sure where to start so please bare with me. I will also apologies if my spelling and grammar is not perfect I am slightly dyslexic and have ADHD.

so where I am stuck and I am so glad that I found this site thank you I have been reading up a lot on BPD because I am trying to understand my marriage breakdown that happen over 18 months ago after a 22 year in the same partnership. 

so when I say understand I do know the reasons and have taken on and know the things that I am responsibility for and have sought reasons why I was the way I was hence me finding out I was ADHD and ADD a little over 12 months ago.

my ex partner  was also diagnosed with bipolar  but  recently found out that it was BPD instead, we have be both through a natural disaster about 5 years ago and it took it toll on our relationship and finally I was asked to separate because she no longer loved me or found me attractive,

so over the past 18 months I have been trying to win her back and we have had big breakdowns and I have caused a lot of stress on both of us. but where I get lost is my ex will say she is not sure what she wants and can be nice to me and then I will try to please here but it always comes back to I cant to or take responsibility for anything but in the reality I have but not to the standard she would like or in the time frame. I still love my wife deeply but find it very hard to say and do the right thing, I did recognise on reflection of our 22 years together that a little over 10years ago after she had gone through and very triatic experience and was hospitalised I made a chose that I would not let that happen again and I had to make her happy no matter what, ( this was the beginning of the end I realise now) we also have to children that have ADDA and ADHD which love with her I will visit the family home a lot and cook clean and do what ever need doing but then I get told I and not helping but add more stress so if I back off I am told that I do nothing and she over whelmed and has so much to do but cant get it done.   

so my question is how do I deal with my wife and her the up and downs i want to help her through this when she does not want my help as she says that she can do it on her own, but all friend and family can see she is struggling which when said pushes her further away.

if anybody can help with some advice it would be great

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chilibean13]

Welcome Santo. So many good resources here. One thing that is imprtant to remember is that you cannot make your pwBPD better. She has to do it herself. What you will find here are resources to help YOU get better--better at responding, better at not taking the blame, and better at not being alone. I highly suggest starting with the lessons on the right side of hte page. It's chalk full of articles and help on BPD and how to handle it.