Do you think we ever "get over" them fully?

[kyon147]

Recently I have been missing by exgf after a month of NC and 2 months since we broke up. I thought I was doing well and I think I am but I feel like I will never fully get over her, she was a big part of my life and someone I loved dearly.

That love however is what is hurting me.

Makes me wonder if you ever do get over someone you truly loved.

[Joseph54]

Yes, I think we do.

I have been apart from my BPD wife for 1 1/2 years, I have dated a bit and have enjoyed other relationships.

We first split up 4 years ago after 2 years of marriage. Reunited with counselling that failed and permanently split.

Today looking for our marriage certificate in order for her to file for a divorce decree, I started to cry and did so for 2 hours saying good bye to her in my mind and on paper journalling.

I do not miss the relationship as it was a train wreck but I am grieving the lost hope and dreams.

She is just as dysfunctional as ever but I no longer get drawn in by her.

She texted me Sunday night wanting me to file and pay for the divorce.

I refused as I already gave her an extra $57,000 to get her out of my life and also paid the entire cost to get the separation agreement done, 10 months ago.

Yesterday, She agreed to pay and file for the divorce so I got what I wanted.

I believe this may be part the end of the grieving.

I know I will find someone good for me because I am learning how to be good to me.

You'll be ok too.

[Mutt]

Hi kyon147,

I'm sorry to hear that. You were with your ex for almost 5 years. That's a significant relationship. I had similar feelings. I missed my ex and NC triggered a lot of anxiety. Its hard to cut off contact with someone that you shared a significant amount of time with daily.

You're grieving a loss. I can relate with how much that hurts. To answer your question if you truly do get over it. I think that everyone processes loss differently. Some people move on and some people it takes longer for them to move on.

I didn't think that I would be able to get over my ex. The path was not linear. I had good days and bad days. Some days felt like one step forward and two steps back. There was a period where I felt great and thought I had gotten over her and to find that the most difficult stretch was the end of healing. The beginning was tough but it's raw and I was emotionally distressed.

The five stages of detachment to the right side of the board is a good benchmark. I was married and the divorce decree really helped me with freedom because I felt whatever remaining obligation that I had was over.  I did reach step 5  where the event or loss us not the central focus of your daily life. It felt great because I have the fredon to choose wherever I want to go and who I want to be with that has healthier behaviors.  Hang in there.

[borderdude]

my ex and I are working together once a week, she has begun flirting , happends everytime when her rs breaks down, they do not last for long usually.

I will not go back, even if I play with the thought.

[thisagain]

I guess it depends on what you mean by "get over"? She was a big part of your life and someone you loved dearly. You don't forget that.

I had a very intense (though non-BPD) relationship five years ago that lasted only three months, and I still think about her sometimes. I miss certain aspects of being with her. But I'm not sad that the relationship ended and I don't want to get back with her. Staying with her (in a foreign country) would have meant giving up my career goals, and now I have my dream job. So you could say that I miss her and still have some feelings toward her, but none of them are painful feelings.

I expect that I'll always think about my BPD ex and feel sad that she was so ill and incapable of a healthy relationship. Although I hope to reach a place where I realize that my life is great exactly the way it is and I wouldn't change a thing, because if BPDex had been healthy and we'd stayed together, then I wouldn't have all these other great things and (hopefully) some amazing future partner.

I'm about a month farther along than you on the breakup timeline (3 months since breakup and 2 months NC). Most days are fine, some days I'm genuinely excited about doing my own thing and meeting new people, and yesterday I was sitting under my desk at work crying. Go figure.

We've been on a traumatic emotional rollercoaster. You know how sometimes you get off a boat or a rollercoaster and it feels like the ground is moving and you're still on the boat? I think it's to be expected that our feelings will come in waves. The way you feel right now is probably not how you'll feel in a week, a month, and definitely not forever.

[FannyB]

Hi Kyon


I think most of us get over our exes in time - human beings are natural survivors and we gradually adapt to our new reality in the same way we come to terms with the death of a loved one.  

I don't think that many of us revert to the mental state we were in before the BPD relationship though. A relationship with a borderline affects us profoundly and will facilitate change.

So in conclusion, I think you will get over your ex - but you won't be quite the same again. Whether you become better or worse for the experience is largely up to you.

Fanny

[borderdude]

its been a while, but I recall in the get to known phase ... .everything my inner red light intuition told me, was 100% correct. Believe in your inner voice.

[Mutt]

FannyB,

Well said.

So in conclusion, I think you will get over your ex - but you won't be quite the same again. Whether you become better or worse for the experience is largely up to you.

I feel better, stronger and happier than before I met my ex wife. When she left I felt like I was broken into a million pieces like shattered glass. I knew that I would make it through but I didn't know how. It was the most painful experience I felt in my life. Talking to a T and a support group like us helped. We help mend each others wounds.

kyon147,

My advice to you with where you are at the moment. Talk about it. Have faith. Go directly through the pain and don't take the long way around it. Stay away from drugs and alcohol.

[troisette]

I'm not sure about "get over", I'm in my sixties and like anyone else of my age, I've had my fair share of traumatic events in my life. My experience is that we accommodate them.

Like a serious wound, gaping and unbearably painful at first, it gradually heals and becomes less painful. Leaving a livid scar as a reminder. The scar fades, leaving a silvery shadow.

We can learn not to put our hands in the fire, not to risk such injury again, putting it to positive use.

But the pain of the wound is unbearable at first and we cannot imagine it ever healing.

[hope2727]

If I am any indication no.

Having said that I left a brutal marriage over 10 years ago and thought I would seriously die for several years. I didn't. I miss my ex husband (NPD) sometimes but I did recover. We have to have faith we will recover from these BPD relationships too.

Someone I know once (who it turns out is likely BPD ) told me that events like this take scoops out of your heart. Like a fruit baller or ice cream scoop taking big scoops of tissue away. The hole doesn't fill in. It scars over. Our hearts end up resembling swiss cheese.  We navigate life by walking around the hardened edges of the scooped out bits. Sometimes we lose our footing and slip. Then we slide down the side of the scoop and end up at the bottom for awhile. Eventually we get back on our feet and climb out to start navigating the edges again. Some scoops are big, some are small, and in the end our hear beats on despite them. I know I slip. I am sitting at the bottom of one of my biggest scooped out holes right now (exBPD fiancee and his replacement and joyous NYE memories of us together). Have been since I woke up today. The tears just won't stop. I can't think about some of the scoops (just ask me about my horse sometime and oops down I go into the biggest blackest hole of a scoop). I can't look at scoop pictures (all photos of my farm tucked deep away). I have to avoid areas that have lots of scoops packed together (siblings, father, career). But my heart beats on. Yours will too. Just sit at the bottom of your scoop awhile and then climb on up to the light. Watch your footing it can be treacherous.

Ok have to go seek tissue. Slipped and fell in horse scoop. Oh well better than horse poop.

Hugs all. 

[hope2727]

If I am any indication no.

Having said that I left a brutal marriage over 10 years ago and thought I would seriously die for several years. I didn't. I miss my ex husband (NPD) sometimes but I did recover. We have to have faith we will recover from these BPD relationships too.

Someone I know once (who it turns out is likely BPD ) told me that events like this take scoops out of your heart. Like a fruit baller or ice cream scoop taking big scoops of tissue away. The hole doesn't fill in. It scars over. Our hearts end up resembling swiss cheese.  We navigate life by walking around the hardened edges of the scooped out bits. Sometimes we lose our footing and slip. Then we slide down the side of the scoop and end up at the bottom for awhile. Eventually we get back on our feet and climb out to start navigating the edges again. Some scoops are big, some are small, and in the end our hear beats on despite them. I know I slip. I am sitting at the bottom of one of my biggest scooped out holes right now (exBPD fiancee and his replacement and joyous NYE memories of us together). Have been since I woke up today. The tears just won't stop. I can't think about some of the scoops (just ask me about my horse sometime and oops down I go into the biggest blackest hole of a scoop). I can't look at scoop pictures (all photos of my farm tucked deep away). I have to avoid areas that have lots of scoops packed together (siblings, father, career). But my heart beats on. Yours will too. Just sit at the bottom of your scoop awhile and then climb on up to the light. Watch your footing it can be treacherous.

Ok have to go seek tissue. Slipped and fell in horse scoop. Oh well better than horse poop.

Hugs all. 

[Itstopsnow]

I'm at 2 months NC. The holidays are a trigger. But I know this guy was bad news! At the end I didn't recognize him anymore. What is there really to miss? I think once you're 6 months to 8 months. Time and space and a new routine will help you feel better. We are still new on our journey . We have to take time to replace old habits with new ones. Our heart will catch up. I miss him a lot today. But I also know I'm lucky I am to be without him. The trauma, chaos, drama, and that is not counting his lies, cheating abs rages. Believe me if you had a borderline (they all are different) but they all abuse in some form or another. No love should be like that

[Technique]

I still miss her, at least the version I fell for. We were together for a year and have been split up 16 months. The anger, fear and sadness from the break up has evolved into some kind of sympathy. It's just turned midnight here in the uk and I truly hope she's happy right now, and certainly not suffering. Getting to this point has certainly helped me with my recovery. I know first hand the feeling of betrayal and loss with these kind of relationships, but I can honestly say time has healed me to some degree, not entirely, but sufficiently for me to wish her happiness.

Be kind to yourselves. I wish you all the very best for 2016.

[blanchard]

Yes. 

I've been out for over a year.

The first four months were problematic, but four months after that, the emotional connection was all-but severed completely.

A year later and my only regret is that I didn't depart sooner, as life has never been better now that all the old ties are severed.